Tears are triggering for me ***TRIG FOR SI***

I remembered last night why I don't like to cry.

H and I had a rare argument last night. I don't want to go into details about it and we were fine by the end of the night. However, the crying spell that accompanied it carried me straight back to the past.

Sobbing is not a relief for me. Sobbing signals frustration beyond comprehension. I visited (metaphorically) my teenage years with my parents, my first serious romantic relationship, my 20's and my courtship with H, and my relationship with my ex-GF.

Most of the sobbing in these relationships involved me not getting my way somehow. These were my borderline "glory years". In those times, sobbing was accompanied by SI and abuse (verbal from my parents, verbal/physical combinations with my first lover and ex-GF). It was a time of extreme self-hatred.

The argument last night was of little consequence in and of itself, but the tears that accompanied it took me back and reminded me of the reason why I stifle them. I believe everything happens for a reason and the reason for the tears were a part of my processing so I can move forward. I think I need to learn how to use tears in a cleansing way that does not result in the destructive behavior from my past. I did not SI last night, but the urge was strong. I haven't SI'd in 7 years.

I feel horrible today. Hopefully work will distract me from it and I'll get by until I see T Wednesday at 4pm.

Sobbing was not a relief. It was severely triggering.

I'm so sorry about these painful memories. Maybe crying in T, with her support and guidance, will allow you to have a different, more positive experience with tears? This is where I am, too. I realized that my blockage is bc when I cried in front of my parents they never comforted me. The one time that I really lost it with a T, she didn't either and I ended up feeling most painfully alone and put up a shield against crying in front of parents or parent figures. I hope you have an OK day and a good session on Weds.

(((((Chopin)))))
So awful and yet a breakthrough
a blessing that Wednesday 4pm less than 2.5 days off now.
Think of yourself holding one of those lines connected
with the tag-team on the other side and
pull-pull-pull your way to your T & Wednesday ...
wear yourself out with the effort and blow SI ideas away

Chopin, your path to the next level is always unique
and too often pain-filled ... but it's always AHEAD!!

Roadie

This seems like a HUGE breakthru! Like maybe it goes back even to earlier times, how were ruptures handled when you were small, that so much frustration came out later, and still is being stifled? My own short answer to this is, my mother scared the pee out of me, and in early teen years I remember vowing never to cry again. Anyway, really good work Chopin.

Sorry you had a rough night Chopin.

Therapists have different theories about how they react to crying. Quite a lot of them are not "comforting" when the client cries because of various theories and approaches.

When that one I see mentioned crying with her (and even writing it is still unsettling to me) and said it was useful to have someone there with you while you cried. I do not imagine she would be actively comforting in any fashion.
The reason I mention this is perhaps one needs to check with the therapist and find out what the therapist does when a client cries to make sure their reaction meets with your expectation.

I have welled up in T while relaying angry feelings. It seems anger is the only feeling that leads to tears, probably because I am so good at suppressing anger. As much as I avoid crying, it is more preferable than loosing my temper. It only happened a couple of times, and I wouldn't consider it to be a cry at all, but my T said the same thing each time: allow yourself to cry. I didn't though, some weird control thing comes over me and the emotion stops.

we understand. crying scares the crud out of all of us,watching others is a trigger and even thinking about it -for us-is a bad thing. sorry it was so bad for you♥♥♥

Thanks, east. That's what I am hoping; that crying in T will transform the crying experience. Crying is never fun, but I think I need to learn to cry to mourn. I don't know if I've ever cried to mourn someone/something. That was inhibited at a young age.

Thanks Roadie. True...and that's how I'm trying to look at it. After I answer these posts, I'm going to move forward and distract by working (it's a good idea to work while at work, after all ). I no longer have the urge to SI. That stopped when the tears stopped. Last night was painful, but taught me a vital lesson and brought back some memories I'd suppressed.

Thanks, Hank. I may still be suppressing something related to my parents, but I do know one situation (now after answering Wikid) wherein tears were inhibited. We were pretty much indoctrinated in parochial school that tears accompany our sin; failing God, so to speak. The fundamental atmosphere I was in demanded perfection, or one wasn't "saved". We were taught God turned away from us when we "sin". I'm not a Biblical literalist, but in that school, where it was taken literally (except when it wasn't ), many things that weren't in there were "sin" (i.e. rock music, women wearing pants, men with long hair, etc.). So, if one was crying, one must be sinning, so the implied message was, "don't cry, be perfect."

Thanks, stopwolf . I've talked to my T twice about what she does when a client cries in session. The first time, she said she does nothing to comfort the person; that comforting is inhibiting. The feelings must be worked through. She said she comforted a client once and it turned out to be a big mistake. She said sometimes she talks and sometimes she prays while the client is crying. The second time, I asked if she just sits and watches the client cry. She said, "No, it's so much more than that." I didn't know what she meant then, and I still don't know. I figured if I ever cried, I'd find out.

I don't cry when I'm sad. I haven't done that since I was a small child. I just feel this overwhelming heaviness when I'm sad and I think the inhibition of the crying means I never really process sadness. I don't cry when I'm angry either. I cry when I experience frustration, especially at myself for having failed someone or something (which is what was triggered last night; that I'd failed H...it wasn't true, but I believed it for a little while).

Thanks, TD. You remind me of a coworker of mine. I started crying (just a few tears rolling down my cheeks) at work because I thought said coworker was trying to tell me I had failed my clients. She freaked out. I know now that she cannot handle seeing anyone cry and she rarely cries herself.

Wow...thanks everyone! Y'all are really helping me figure this out!! My mood is improving. I think I'll go work for a few, then come back in a couple of hours to see if anyone has any more ideas I can mull over.

Chopin...you have been fighting so hard to CRY and it turns out it didn't get the results you were expecting.... I agree with having to mourn our past to move into our future, some people will need tears, some will need laughter, some will just need time. Healing comes in all sorts of packages... when we aren't looking the healing will find us.

((((((((((Chopin)))))))) no advice, keeping you in my thoughts. Sorry crying is a big trigger. I can relate my mom beat me everytime i cried, so did other people who abused me in my life. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I hope the T experience transforms your crying for you.
When I was a child, I would cry and cry, but no one was ever there to comfort me. I finally learned that I cried only to comfort myself.
Now, when I cry I try to find a very private place. For me, crying feels like a weakness, because I can't control it. I don't want anyone to comfort me. The people who should have comforted me were the ones responsible for the abuse that caused the crying, so I don't know how to be comforted. I definitely don't want to cry with t-I am too guarded! Also, I get terrible headaches afterwords that last for the rest of the day and sometimes beyond. My t says I should cry as a release, but crying for me only causes more physical pain.
My point in sharing all of this, Chopin, is to let you know that you are not alone in not crying "correctly". I hope you can find a way to make crying a comfort for you. When it all works out, I will be interested to hear how you accomplished this task.
Bluemountains

This is some great insight, Chopin. Add me to the list of people who have a messed-up relationship with crying. My inability to control my crying as a child should have been a red flag for my parents -- instead it was a point of shaming and professed embarrassment on their part. It took me a really long time to feel ok about crying in therapy... which is part of why, reading through what I could of your posts about a "safe place to cry", I could empathize with your frustration with your T. Feeling safe while crying is not really something I see as pathological in any way, or indicative of your viewing therapy incorrectly. In fact I think it would be great if you could remove some of the triggering aspect of tears... and part of this involves feeling safe while doing so: that you're not going to SI, that the tears won't have negative consequences from the people you care about, and so on.

And I wanted to say, GOOD FOR YOU for not SI-ing. That's really awesome.

Chopin,

First, I'm sorry that you had the triggering experience, but it seems that you at least learned a lot from it. Back in your so-called "glory days" of borderline, do you feel that you used tears as a means to manipulate? If so, could it be that you now avoid or suppress crying because you've tried to eliminate manipulative or false behaviors? Obviously there are lots of reasons for crying that have nothing to do with manipulations--these are just my ponderings.

True...and T said that "letting go" may not involve tears. However, I feel like I haven't truly mourned certain aspects of my life and I believe I need to release through tears to do so. That being said, I will see what happens.

I'm sorry to hear that. I was verbally "beaten" by my mom, first love, and ex-GF; but also physically struck by first love and ex-GF. I relate to you too.

Thanks, Blue. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I hear you on the headaches; my head and eyes are hurting today.

Thanks, Sally. Welcome back (again), BTW! I relate to the shaming. That's basically what happened to me (and many others) in school. Sinners, every one of us.

Thanks, autumn. No, but the tears would come during attempts at manipulation. That could be another block because I try to be on the "up and up" so to speak and am very careful not to manipulate. However, according to H and T, I still do, unbeknownst to me. I'm trying to learn to recognize when I'm doing it.

This is SO me - the exact same thing happens to me, right down to the getting angry, tears well up, lump in throat, chest tightness, then I shut down every time. I don't know why. T and I are working on this - I just sent him a long email with a copy of a post on a thread in here about crying in therapy. Made me feel very vulnerable - I'm a little embarrassed now to face him on Friday but my need is too great to keep avoiding this issue.

Wish I knew what the answer was....

It's fascinating to me to see all the different opinions and responses about crying. I don't cry with anger - when I'm angry, I'm angry. But I do cry fairly easily with hurt and sadness. I've hit on some deep, deep sadness in therapy the last few months and there have been a lot of tears. But I haven't cried in front of T, although my eyes have welled up a few times and I've gotten all choked up.

Somehow I see it as a sign of weakness - shameful, embarrassing. If I cry in front of him, then he wins.

Chopin
You're comment on crying out of frustration really struck a cord with me. I am going to have to think about this some more.
Sorry this is painful for you, but it does sound like a breakthrough.

Thanks, Towanda. Did you send your T my post: A safe place to cry?

I know the "vulnerable after sending an email" feeling very well.

Thanks, Bunny. I see it that way too. And in the session I transcribed, T said there are people who do that..."you almost got me...but I won."

Thanks, sconnie. I think it is a breakthrough and one of the ways I know it is now I'm looking forward to T on Wednesday so it can be handled. It wasn't pleasant by any means, but I like moving forward and this feels like progress!

Me too, I'm usually mad and get frustrated at the anger and then that leads to crying, which makes me even more mad....its a cycle

I don't cycle like that. I did let it come naturally last night, even with all the "flashback" memories. I didn't try to stop it. I let it all out.

[quote=Chopin99;2395756]Thanks, Towanda. Did you send your T my post: A safe place to cry?

I know the "vulnerable after sending an email" feeling very well.

Yes, that was the post I sent him the copy of. And I was oh so vulnerable in that post. My hand must have hovered over the "send" buttom for almost ten minutes before I took a deep breath then pushed it. I opened up and stated some very raw needs that I needed him to address - left me feeling a new sense of heightened vulnerability with him. I was hoping in his return email he would address my anxiety about this, but he only stated something about "Thanks for sending, see you Friday" blah blah blah. So now my anxiety level is ratched up about as high as it can go.

Did I ever mention how much I just LOVE therapy.....

[QUOTE=Towanda;2396757]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99 Thanks, Towanda. Did you send your T my post: A safe place to cry?

I actually think you were very brave to send it. I do hate when you send something that makes you vulnerable and get that pat or short response. I hope your session goes well Friday!

Jesus wept.

[quote=Chopin99;2396993]Well we met on Friday. He brought up the subject of my email and we talking briefly about clients crying in his office. His voice was very quiet at one point and he repeated the words I said I needed to hear, "I understand your need for me to say, 'It's ok to cry. You're safe in here. You're safe with me.' He then continued on to say that "You also need to know that I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to punish you."

Wow, was I primed for tears, I could really feel myself letting go. But damnit!! The man doesn't know when to stop talking!! And I've called him on this fact before. He babbled on and on, I don't remember what about....All I know is it shut down my emotions, and I left feeling frustrated as usual.

I did tell him before I left that he needs to watch my body language more carefully, to stop talking occasionally. He said in the future if he doesn't pick up on the fact I'm about to start bawling, to just give him some sort of hand signal and he'll shut up. We'll see....I wanted to throw something at him I was so frustrated