Unburdening/Trauma/IFS

My t has started doing with me what she calls "unburdening." I think it's like trauma work, but might be based in IFS therapy. It has to do with unloading the inner pain and false beliefs about self that have been been wrongly loaded onto us by experiences we've had in the past. It's probably also similar to EMDR but without the eye movements.

Anyway, i've held in and resisted my pain for a very long time. I've been afraid of it, afraid to feel it, afraid it would kill me. And, when trying to confront the pain in therapy over the years, it has often been too overwhelming and destabilized me. In fact, i am not a good candidate for EMDR because of this.

Well, lately, my t has been pushing me to confront the pain and let go of it. To stop carrying it around. We've talked about what has caused the pain, and now she would like to see me unburden it. So we have started practicing having me visualize releasing the pain into the elements, wind or water, or wherever i want to picure it going. I've been attempting to do this, and it has helped some. But it doesn't feel like it's that simple, to just "decide" to let go of pain and then do it. Once i expell some of the stored up energy, by crying and releasing it, i do feel some relief. But the next day, i feel stirred up again, as though there is alot more under the surface. I actually feel more needy, and need to email my t more. Once we have started accessing it, I have trouble putting a lid on it until the following week.

Recently, i realize that i am also reluctant to let the pain go. Not because i want to keep suffering, but because it has been a part of me for as long as i can remember. For the part of me that holds pain, it seems like unburdening the pain will leave an empty shell with nothing in it, or that this part of me would disappear. I don't know how else to explain it. My t has been asking me, what would that part that holds pain like to do, once it has let go of all the pain and suffering? I can't seem to answer that. The purpose of this part of me seems like it has always been to hold emotional pain, away from other parts of me.

I feel crazy typing this, and maybe i am not even making sense. Does anybody get it/relate to what i'm saying?

I feel like for some reason i am just not good at trauma work. It stirs me up but i can't get rid of it. i don't know "how."

Oh i know exactly what you are talking about!! My T talks about how i am afraid to get better, how im afraid to let go of my depression/self harm/eating disorder. Like you, its been apart of me for so long that i almost feel like i will be nothing without it. Like i wont be myself anymore.

I dont have much advice for you, other then to keep working at it. Hopefully one day you can let go of the pain. I am still working on letting go of all my pain also. I am not quite sure HOW i am going to do this. Right now i see a therapist, a psychiatrist, a dietician, a case worker, i attend group therapy, i will start more intensive eating disorder treatment at the end of july, tomorrow i will be told if i am a candidate for inpatient or partial hospitalization. So i may not be able to let go of my pain yet, i may not be ready to. But i have a team people who are willing to help me try. Trying is all i can do right now. I plan on trying until one day i succeed. Its gotta happen eventually!

So NO you are not crazy and not alone! You ARE good enough! just keep working at it

I find it useful sometimes to realize the pain is a phantom, like a phantom limb; what caused the pain is gone. Holding on to the pain just doesn't make sense; in my case, it was realizing I was afraid of being afraid that I needed to let go of, not any actual, current realistic fear. We get so invested in the way things were/seem to feel and forget they are not the actual event itself, what I like to think of in terms of, "the map is not the territory". The damage has been done, the storm has gone through and we can get on with rebuilding instead of staying stuck with how bad the storm was and doing the "what if" spinning of our wheels worrying about the future which we cannot know.

No. Not crazy. Or, if you are, I am the same kind of crazy. I feel exactly the same way. Like these memories and pains are just a part of who I am. Who would I be if I didn't have them? I can't even imagine.

Hi Carly011,

It’s good to know that somebody understands me and that I am not just nuts.

I’m glad that you have a team of people who can help you through your healing journey. I rely mostly on my therapist, as well as my husband. And on God. I don’t have any close friends in 3D life -- although I do have a couple of email friends, and it helps to have support here as well.

I think you nailed it on the head when you said that we’re afraid to change because we don’t know who we will be without the pain. It has become such a part of our identity. Even through my many years of repression and denial, I think the pain was always there. When I think back to my childhood, I remember a great deal of emotional pain, even when I was very young. As an adult, I learned to push it away so I could cope. Since my breakdown and entering into therapy, I am very aware of it again. It’s a big part of my “self.” I have not yet figured out how to separate out the traumas and pain--from who I am as a person. So that is what I need to work on in therapy.

Have you found out whether you are a candidate for inpatient or partial yet?

I wish the best for your healing.

Peaches



Hi Perna,

Everything you have said is ringing true with me. It makes sense. I don’t know why I am stuck in the stage of looking at the past, the traumas, and the pain. Like you said, what’s done is done. Now I’m in the present. But it’s like a part of me is still back there, going through the traumas over and over again. Like reliving it, like the movie Groundhog Day. I can’t seem to bump myself into the present. I guess I am still stuck feeling hurt, wishing it had been different, feeling like it was unfair, and just feeling sorry for myself in general. I don’t want to stay here, but I don’t know how to move on.

I’m really confused by how I’m reacting to the unburdening/letting go of pain work in therapy. When we practice letting go of the some of the pain, I should feel relief, feel better. But after we do it, during the following week, I notice myself feeling more anxious. My parts feel stirred up and needy (I’m dissociative but not DID). I seem to need my t’s support more, rather than less. Do you have any idea why this would be happening? I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m guessing it must be some sort of resistance, but I don’t feel like I have my heels dug in and am refusing to change. I feel willing, but steps forward are making me feel more anxious.

Peaches


Hi Lucydog,

I’m sorry you struggle with the same thing I do. It seems pretty sad that we are clinging to pain, rather than wanting to let it go. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that’s not healthy. But I have not figured out yet how to cross that bridge. I think I know “what” I need to do, but not “how” to do it. Maybe the best thing we can do is keep trying.

Peaches

Add me to the list of people who have felt like letting those things go means losing myself. I will say, from the other side of it, that in letting those things go, I'm still fundamentally myself, but I like this version of me a lot better.

Exacting a change to a situation that you have never experienced before is really frightening -- even if that situation is objectively a better one. You're not crazy!

For me, some of the fear of letting go of the depression and old pain was the fear of acquiring new pain, new things to blame myself for. If I made the decision to get out of bed and go DO things, I would be making new mistakes. I had so much hatred and blame for myself for the things I had already done/done wrong, I was afraid of new mistakes. If I open myself up to new relationships, it was just new people to hurt me or reject me. A lot of the early work I did in therapy was to address that negative self-talk and give myself some compassion and empathy for the fact that everyone makes mistakes.

I feel, maybe based partly on what you said and partly on my own experience, that you ARE doing the work of letting it go by acknowledging your reluctance to let it go and having some understanding of the ways in which it is an intimate part of who you are. I think it is essential to do this before you can move on.

In my own version of this, there was not one moment where I "let it go", but there have been many, both big and small. Occurring over years, but faster and bigger in the past year. For me, this was very connected with self acceptance-- as I suppose the more confident I became with knowing that I would be okay even when I changed, I become more comfortable with letting the old pain go.

This may sound really strange, but I have found it comforting to realize that no matter how much I let go, I never forget what happened to me. "It" is still a part of me and a part of my life, even without the old pain. When I have memories now, it is almost like I am grateful that I can still hold onto those old experiences, without the negative emotional attachment. I can tolerate the memories as if they are another part of my life experiences.

I don't have anything else to add but I can relate to every post on this thread!!

It feels good to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks for posting this peaches!

Hmmmmmm, got me thinking......lots of thoughts about this are popping up in my mind (for me the trauma I went through was only back in 2004 but it feels stuck there for life)

I struggled with the concept of RADICAL ACCEPTANCE in DBT, thinking I just had to do it once & it was done.....but that's not the case.....Radical Acceptance most of the time has to be done over & over & over & over & over until it can finally be felt & then sometimes Radical Acceptance is a constant thing that we continually have to do until what ever it is that we are needing to accept has either changed, gone away, or we have changed enough that it really doesn't bother us. It seems like what we are doing with the pain is actually radically accepting what happened & the pain we felt (so that we can let it go)

Another thought: I always wondered why we hold onto the bad things that happen in our life......again, something we were discussing in DBT.....we hold onto the bad things in our memory because those are the things we learn from & we feel the need to remember so that we won't be caught by them again in the future.

Another thought which ties with the number of times (once is not enough) it takes to let go of the pains. I The more pain we have gone through & the longer it lasted while we had to deal with the trauma, those neuropathways in our mind on how we handled it & the thoughts on what was going on, grew in thickness & solidarity. Those neuropathways need to be broken & new ones set in place......the thicker the pathways, the longer it takes & the more work it is to be successful.

It's important to know that we are who we are today because of the past experiences we have lived through......doesn't mean that all those things work in our life today & those things that are a problem need to be addressed & dealt with like the pain & the anger. I think ListenMoreTalkLess really hit the reality of what letting the pain & anger go, but you don't forget what you have gone through because it is an important part of your life that you have learned valuable things from.......letting go of the strong emotions tied to it is the goal. Our mind is made up of many areas, the 2 major ones dealing with mental health issues is the limbic system (the inner part of our brain where our emotions come from) which controls our action responses to things comes from, & the frontal lobe where our reasoning & morals & logic is located. It takes both parts working together to have a truly healthy way of dealing with problems & traumas. Emotions are important because they tell us there is a problem & want action......the logic is important because it's our problem solving area of the mind that helps us determine the best action we need to take. It's when the trauma gets stuck in the emotional mind (Pain, anger) that we have the problems. It's important to process the pain & anger (it sounds like you have been doing that)......the letting it go of those emotions is a long process.....not a "flip of the switch", "I let it go so it should be gone" sort of thing. It takes a long time to remove something that has been built up over such a long period of time & there will always be some level of emotion that may be triggered out of the blue once you felt like you had let go of it all......so don't feel discouraged because it takes the mind so long to be able to let go. It's not that you aren't letting go a little bit at a time, but it just feels like it's not doing anything (patience is critical with situations like this). Sometimes we don't see all the progress we've made until farther down the road because it takes so many little baby steps to get there.

I think the ultimate goal is to remove the extreme emotional feelings & reactions that are still holding you captive from the trauma & get it so that the memories of the trauma are sitting more in your reasonable, logical mind then in the emotional area of it......just a thought.

I know that I am still working on dealing with the trauma I went through in 2004 with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer......blaming my mother for her stupid thinking that caused the situation in the first place & the anger I felt toward her because of putting me in a situation that had always been my worst fear of being accused of something that I never did when the home care person tried to get me out of her way (think she was after my mother's house) by calling the police & having them accuse me of the abuse that she was doing to my mother. Also felt anger at all those around me who didn't support me when it was all happening around us because things like that just don't happen to normal people. I look at that trauma & realize how trivial it is compared to the major trauma & the extended trauma's that others go through. When I look at how I have reacted to that situation, it makes me understand much better what others are going through......& it's not easy to let go of any part of it & still find a way that I can usefully use the experience to help others avoid any similar situation.

Be nice to yourself in this process & be patient. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day & it didn't end up in ruins over night. You will get to a comfortable place with this & have a better understanding of yourself in the process

(((((((((((((((((((( peaches )))))))))))))))))))

it totally, absolutely makes sense to me. especially this >> Recently, i realize that i am also reluctant to let the pain go. Not because i want to keep suffering, but because it has been a part of me for as long as i can remember. For the part of me that holds pain, it seems like unburdening the pain will leave an empty shell with nothing in it, or that this part of me would disappear. [...] My t has been asking me, what would that part that holds pain like to do, once it has let go of all the pain and suffering? I can't seem to answer that. The purpose of this part of me seems like it has always been to hold emotional pain, away from other parts of me. [/quote]

I really, really get this. I'm right about in the same place.
To "who could I be then? This is the 'me' that I know", T2 says, You will still be you; you will get a new kind of innocence. I have NO idea what she is talking about. I am working on trusting her, deeply, really, because for this part of the journey I have no eyes, no map, no safe zone.

It sounds like yr T is very familiar with this work (as mine is) and is strong, to see you through it. I am wishing the best for you.

i almost wept with relief reading this, to know that others feel the same way about letting go. Someone mentioned What will be left if i let it go, the pain is so much part of who i am not that i will be an empty shell. I've always felt guilty for feeling that way about recovery. My therapist says even letting the pain go is a loss in itself and a grieving process.

Peaches, can you let your therapist know that this work is making you feel like you need her more, maybe she can support you more outside of therapy while you go thru this intense process?

I am so sorry this happened to you. It must have been really tough to go through it.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts on Radical Acceptance.

I worked out a nifty trick to deal with pain. I'm not sure if this is very good advice or not but hey it worked for me (but take this idea with a grain of salt). The key is, you transform it into anger. Anger is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to deal with than pain. And its easy to let go of too. So what I did was I concentrated on the specific things regarding the pain that p1ssed me off. Eg. If it was someone repeatedly telling you you were a horrible person, you think to yourself "How DARE you say that to me? what makes you better than me? Look at you, you are ugly/unemployed/whatever irks you about this person" etc etc. Really get yourself riled up. And then in the future whenever you think of this pain you just automatically get angry instead of sad. It doesn't take all that long to do this either.

Then when you want to "let go" of the anger all you have to do is exercise or go and bash up a pillow or punching bag or whatever, and boom its gone. Wayyyyyy easier than to deal with the pain itself. I would not recommend doing this with multiple issues at once though because it changes you into a really horrible angry person. But one issue at a time is fine. If you did it with one issue at a time, serial style, I think it would be a very beneficial technique. And the bonus of this technique is that you don't have to sit in front of a therapist as a snivelling mess to deal with the issue, you can do it in the privacy of your own home!

WOW! I could have written this. I'm at exactly the same place (and we're doing IFS work). I know that I need to let go of a certain pain and a certain idea (that someone, like my T, can be my mom), but it's so hard and what will I replace these spaces with? They almost 'comfort' me because they are such an inherent part of me.

So, yes, like many, many others (which assuages me, too) this makes incredible sense to me. But, we must work through it and pop out the other side healthier, stronger, and pain-free... MUCH easier said than done!

Hi Sally Brown,

You hit the nail on the head when you said this:

Exacting a change to a situation that you have never experienced before is really frightening.

It’s fear of the unknown. I’m a planner and like to be prepared for everything. . .and yet when it comes to changing myself through therapy, it is very scary because I don’t always know the when, where, and how of my healing journey. When I feel I don’t have enough information or control to know ahead of time what the future holds, it makes me very anxious. So if I appear to be digging in my heels, it’s not due to lack of effort or lack of desire to get better, but a fear of change. And what change will mean for “me” . . .the “me” that I’ve always seen myself as. And I guess the “me” I am used to is one that feels a lot of internal pain and angst. It doesn’t feel “good,” but it feels like “me,” if that makes sense. Somehow, I need to get used to the idea that I can let go of pain and still be me, that I can feel better and still be me.

Hi Mykidsarecool,

I could relate to what you said about the fear of starting new relationships because you felt you would make the mistake of bonding with somebody who would hurt or reject you again. I totally chose the wrong friend more than once, and ended up terribly, terribly hurt. So yeh, I don’t trust myself to make good choices yet, so I keep isolating until I feel I can understand and choose friends who will be healthy for me. I also hate, hate, hate making mistakes and am pretty hard on myself.

It sounds like your early work in therapy has helped you with compassion and self-acceptance. Can I ask what specifically helped you learn to deal with yourself more compassionately? Did you use affirmations? Or did you just start feeling more tender and accepting of yourself, as you noticed your t treating you that way?

Hi Listenmoretalkless,

Thanks for recognizing that I’m doing the work. I guess I am. At least I notice that I’m still clinging to my pain, and some of the possible reasons why. Knowing that, I can chip away bit by bit at the fear that is keeping me from making the next leap. It makes sense what you said about the “letting go” happening in bits and pieces. That seems much more do-able to me and less scary.

Hi Geez,

It helps to know you relate. But I’m sorry you struggle with this same thing too. Hopefully, we can encourage each other!

Hi Eskielover,

Thank you for the insightful and comprehensive post. I appreciate all the time it took for you to do that!

It’s good to know that Radical Acceptance is a process. It makes more sense to me now. I still struggle with Radical Acceptance. I find myself thinking things like, “But it should have been this way, or That should not have happened, or That person should have treated me this way, or “That was wrong and unfair.” When someone has treated me in a way that has felt unfair and has caused me much pain, it’s hard to accept that, whether it was fair or not, “it was what it was” and perhaps nothing can be done to fix or change it now. Equally hard are situations where the person who hurt me failed to apologize or even acknowledge the harm they’d done. I’m a Christian, and the Bible teaches that we should freely forgive. I am able to understand that we all make mistakes, and that is true also of the people who hurt me. I’m working on forgiving them for their actions toward me. Perhaps my expectations are too high for people. I tend to assume people will do the good and right and caring things in life. But when they do not, I feel very disappointed and disillusioned. So Radical Acceptance and Forgiveness are still very much things I need to work on.

It’s interesting what you shared about neural pathways, the limbic system, frontal lobe, etc. It takes time to retrain or rewire deeply held beliefs and feelings. In my case, I experience a pretty big disconnect between my “emotional self” and my “logical self.” I have some fragmentation and dissociation, which makes those aspects of me feel very different from one another. It’s very hard for me to access both sides at the same time. Instead, I tend to be in the logical part of myself most of the time, until I get triggered and then an emotional, irrational, dysfunctional side of me emerges. That’s the part my t says we need to work more with. I find that when I get triggered into the emotional traumatized part of myself, the logical part of me goes out the window, unless I make very difficult, concentrated effort to try to hold onto it. Sometimes I can do it; other times not.

I’m sorry to hear you went through such a terrible situation with your mom and the healthcare worker in 2004. It sounds like it was really painful and trying, especially when you didn’t get the understanding and support you needed to deal with it. I admire you for allowing the situation you went through to make you a more empathetic person toward others, rather than just becoming bitter. I hope to learn something from my experiences too.

Hi SittingatWatersEdge,

I’m glad you can understand and relate to what I’m going through. From the responses to my post, it sounds like what we’re going through now is part of the healing process, and we are not just crazy! We need to just keep putting one small step in front of the other, and we will get there.

Hi Asiablue,

Yes, I told my t how I was struggling with this. I said that when we do this deeper work, it ruffles me up more, and then I feel like I need her more. I also told her it feels overwhelming, and we need to slow it down some. My t has a tendency to want to push me through it, and at times I’ve had to let her know that it’s just too much to do at one time. I get overstimulated and overloaded very easily, and when I try to do too much at once, I end up getting unstable or shutting down. For some reason, I reach my limit sooner than most other people. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person, so maybe that it part of it. If I don’t actively block it out, I tend to feel things intensely, as well as pick up on other people’s emotions. I also have a really active subconscious and tend to analyze a lot. So my normal mode of operation is on “high.” It doesn’t take a lot to begin feeling overwhelmed and pushed past my limit. I tire myself out. I am also very tired after therapy sessions, and when I get too stressed out, I have to sleep.

Hi KazzazX,

I’m glad this solution works for you. My t tried early on to get me to discharge some anger by pounding on pillows. Although I did it, I admit it was kind of half-heartedly because I felt “bad” about feeling angry. It took a long time for my t to convince me that I could still feel anger and be a nice person. Since then, I’ve come to understand that anger is a normal emotion, and it can be healthy to express it in acceptable ways that don’t hurt others. Slowly, I’ve started being able to recognize my feelings of anger, tolerate, and express them. My h says I show anger a lot more often now. Sometimes I wonder if that’s a good thing. But on the flip side, it’s not good to stuff everything down. That’s part of what caused my breakdown to start with. . . years of stuffing down sad and negative feelings and not acknowledging them.

Hi Eastcoaster,

I’m glad to know that you also can understand my fear about letting go of pain. You’re right, though, that we need to keep working through it so we can come out healthier on the other side.

I also do IFS therapy and attempt EMDR. I could have written exactly what you have written here. So, I totally understand.

"Anyway, i've held in and resisted my pain for a very long time. I've been afraid of it, afraid to feel it, afraid it would kill me. And, when trying to confront the pain in therapy over the years, it has often been too overwhelming and destabilized me. In fact, i am not a good candidate for EMDR because of this."

"Once i expell some of the stored up energy, by crying and releasing it, i do feel some relief. But the next day, i feel stirred up again, as though there is alot more under the surface. I actually feel more needy, and need to email my t more. Once we have started accessing it, I have trouble putting a lid on it until the following week."

"For the part of me that holds pain, it seems like unburdening the pain will leave an empty shell with nothing in it, or that this part of me would disappear."

"I feel like for some reason i am just not good at trauma work. It stirs me up but i can't get rid of it. i don't know "how."