My T is angry with me, sent cops to my house

LOL....yet again

Don't want to pile on, but I guess that's what I'm about to do. The cops coming to your house is an unfortunate consequence of playing games in psychotherapy. Your therapist can't read your mind. She can't afford to assume that you're not really serious, since she senses that you're still testing her. You wanted a response from her, right? Well, you got one.

Just because this kind of thing is a part of your pattern doesn't make you a prisoner to it. You can stop it at any time. Do you not see how it's manipulative? You want your therapist to treat you *special* by not canceling your sessions like she'd do with anyone else. Do you really think that's fair of her? Or you? You're basically telling her she can't trust what you say to her. That's dangerous, TC. She needs to be able to trust you just as much as you need to trust her.

She cares for you a whole lot. That's not something to screw around with. What she said to you through text sounds like something a human being says when they feel manipulated. I think she made a mistake by calling the cops, but I do feel sorry for her. I hope you can empathize with her situation.

Unfortunately, it seems that your T's poor boundaries have allowed for this manipulation to continue - and possibly even to escalate. If I were to tell my T that I wasn't coming in, he'd say "OK, see you next week" - and he would've filled my spot. It's a business, and he shouldn't have to wonder whether or not he's going to be screwed out of income by a wishy-washy manipulative client. He's maintaining healthy boundaries by showing me that manipulation doesn't have a place with him. I am grateful for that.

TC, I hope you can work towards being a little less self-centered when it comes to your relationship with your T. Sharing that you're having conflicting feelings about wanting to attend your session is one thing, expressing that you want to quit is another - and being willing to explore those feelings to find out what's underneath is your work.....but constantly threatening to cancel or quit is just extremely poor behavior, IMO.

And one day, if she does give away your spot, I'd imagine that you would be quite angry at your T for it....which is absolutely absurd considering you canceled....but your excuse "but I've always shown up, even when I've canceled"....doesn't negate the fact that you canceled your session, or quit therapy.

From reading your posts, it sounds like your emotions are out of control alot of the time, and you aren't always stable. So I can understand perfectly why your t worried about you and resorted to having the police check on you when she didn't hear back. She couldn't have known that your Internet was down. You both were used to emailing back and forth. So not getting a reply from you would seem odd, especially when she knew you were already upset and wanted to quit.

It's unfortunate that the cops walked right in, but that's not your t's fault. I'm sure she didn't tell them to just barge in.

I do understand how hard it is to manage intense emotions. I struggle with it all the time myself. And i understand too the fear of attachment and rejection, and the insecurity of never being sure if t cares enough. But i can tell from what you write that your t cares alot about you and really wants to help you. Please try to keep that in mind. Think about what she HAS done for you, rather than what she doesn't do.

I agree that the boundaries have been a little sloppy, and she needs to make her boundaries more clear. I think you need that.

I guess my biggest worry is that you have what seems like a really good caring t, but if you don't find a way to manage your emotions and give her a break, you may end up burning her out and losing her. I would hate to see that happen to you.

But this is just my opinion, and i could be totally wrong.

well, my initial reason for quitting is bc i only have 4 weeks left unless a miracle happens with my ssdi (which i am not expecting). I dont want four weeks of building up to termination sessions. She kept telling me come as long as you can, come in come in come in. So I came.

But I still would rather quit now that know there's a count down to our sessions being over.

Is there nothing you can work out with her to continue contact until your finances are straightened out?

Not that she has offered. She just said keep coming as long as I have coverage. After that I guess we are done. Plus she got mad at me yesterday. Exasperated.

And on top of that, I hurt myself and needed stitches. I have hurt myself more times in 5 months than I did in the 6 years prior.

I am losing control. She thinks I am suicidal and is talking about involuntary hospitalization.

(((((tentative))))))

i think she was just looking out for you. for as long as i've known you, you have been a good judge of your current mental stability. if you feel like you should be in the hospital, please act on that accordingly... I personally think that it would do you better good to continue seeing t for the next few weeks while you can, and during that time, discuss the temination process (if its inevitable that you are going to have to quit t). I think it will give u much more closure and that you will be stabler once you leave t if you spend some time to tie up loose ends. I know you probably want to get as far away from it all as possible right now... but I really think it would be beneficial for you. text me or pm me if you want to/need to/can

It sounds like that might be best for you, TC. Please stay safe.

I do not have time for being in the hospital. I have school and work.

I used to play similar games (back before I got old and tired, lol, can't be bothered these days!) and for every T you play games with, 99% of them will drop you like a hot rock. The exasperation in the sessions? Yeah, that's from the game playing. You got lucky with your T there - she is one of the 1%ers. They are the gems. You should hold onto your gem. If your SSDI or whatever its called over there comes through and you can keep going to therapy, remember your gem!

It's not about my Ssdi "coming through" - I already have it. It's about losing it. With it, I Lose my insurance.

She always always keeps her cool with me. Yesterday was the only day ever that she was short with me/exasperated. I think I finally rattled her a little. I feel bad about that.

Do you actually ever re-read what you write?

Your "me me me, entitlement" is overwhelming.
You claim you behave as you do because you do not trust, but yet you talk, connect, and let your T touch you; these actions require a great deal of trust.

You make excuses so you can treat her poorly, to be disrespectful, and manipulative. You know you are doing it.
There is not enough money in the world that a T should continue to play your games and be abused by clients. She is a fool if she chases after you.

You are manipulating PC readers as well, because you know just as each time before that you will return. Same thing, different day. Make your T look like the "bad guy", cry out for attention and support, and then go back when T responds how you like or enough readers say "go back, she really cares."

Classic borderline "love, hate" or "worship, devalue" --- Look at your posts. See the pattern. Yes, your T is tired of your games, wouldn't you be tired of someone manipulating and abusing you?

It's MY therapy. It IS all about me. ME ME ME ME.

And so I'm Borderline- and I exhibit borderline behavior- so what? That's why I'm in therapy. Obviously. To talk about ME ME ME ME ME ME and my borderline behaviors.

It is not all about ME ME ME when you abuse another person that is in a relationship, trying to help YOU YOU YOU. Consideration of your T and her job and need for income and how you treat her is a component of being human.

Keep making excuses for your behavior. People who abuse people do that. Most people want to try and find alternatives to treating people like ****. Apparently you do not.

and im abusing her.. how? exactly? please spell it out concretely so I can let her know how horrible I am and how badly I treat her. a bullet list would be great.

Unfortunately, I'm sure a bullet list would be easy to do based on the things you've posted....I would think that if you could imagine yourself on the receiving end of your behaviors, it wouldn't be too hard to see how impossible it is to tolerate.

But I'm hoping that your T is healthy enough and skilled enough in dealing with borderlines to be able to see through your behaviors and not let it affect her....other than being exasperated at maybe the lack of progress.

Naturally it would be taken out of context, as we are only hearing how you're portraying it.

From your T's response, it seems as though she is able to let your behavior not affect her, which is good for her. It's certainly not healthy modeling, which is what I find incredibly important in therapy. I need someone to help me see what good boundaries are, healthy behavior, something I can emulate and work towards as I've had a dysfunctional upbringing.

But maybe that's not what's important in your therapy...or at least, not yet. It seems to me that she is playing the role of the "all accepting parent that loves unconditionally, regardless of poor behavior"....Maybe down the road, she will be able to help you see how destructive that behavior can be to relationships.

Seems like you're trying to instigate a debate on what is considered poor behavior? It's difficult for me to imagine that you don't already know.

It makes sense that the important work in your therapy is the relationship/attachment. That certainly is the bigger picture here. I can see why your T feels that this is important, as it's something you seem to be really struggling with.

Now that you've had another lesson in what happens when you say something contradictory to your intention, are you going to change your behavior? Or try to?

I think there's a sense of exasperation because you have so much insight into your problems, but there doesn't seem to be any attempt to use it for your own benefit.

I have problems with trusting people too. But for me, the source of the problem isn't a history of csa. It's people "playing games" and being needlessly complicated with their emotions/behaviors. For easily exhausted people like myself, this is being abusive. I imagine if I knew you in real life and I had wrapped myself up in a tight knot with worry over you--only then to be cussed out--I'd be REAL exhausted.

Not to hijack....but I can very much relate to this....which is why my work IRL is to get out of relationships like this. There have been way too many borderlines in my life. I need to figure out why I gravitate towards those types of relationships when they are clearly unhealthy for me. Luckily, I am doing much better with this IRL now - by setting limits, making myself a priority and terminating those unhealthy relationships. It frustrates me to discover that I'm "doing it to myself" again on PC....gotta figure this out and get back on track.

I don't trust that at all.

You said that you wanted to know so that you can share it with your T and show her how awful you are.....yet you claim that you've shared the supposed "abuse" that has been referenced here on PC, which she laughed about, etc.

So, it's pretty clear to me that your intention is to decide how to invalidate what most of us here may see as "abusive".

Not playing that part of this game.

Now, onto figure out why I'm even involved in this game to begin with...

Good point. It must be exhausting.

One thing I've heard about dealing with borderlines in therapy is that they're pretty willing to share what they're feeling (by way of expressing, acting or reacting)....which is, perhaps, an advantage. I'm much less willing to be so transparent, which I'd imagine makes it difficult to get to the root of matters. The tradeoff, perhaps, is that I'm an easier client to feel safe with.

Maybe. I don't know. I don't really put myself out there to find out anymore, because I just don't care to. The experiences I have had have been enough to make me wary of healthy people, let alone those who have psychiatric issues.

But you do have a choice about your behaviors. Everyone does. Even when I am ticcing, I have a choice about whether to stay put or go somewhere else and get myself under control. Even when I feel all volition seeping out of me right before a catatonic freeze comes over me, I have a choice whether to stay in the middle of the intersection or slither over to the sidewalk.

I don't know, TC. It seems like these kinds of threads are also a pattern of yours. The OP always puts your therapist in the "bad guy" position, and then gradually, as posters put your feet to the fire, information comes out that makes things seem not so bad. We started off the thread with your therapist and you exchanging harsh words. Now everything seems to "joy to the world" again, with added information that you'd left out in the OP. It's like a roller coaster. First I think "OMG, that's awful! Bad therapist!" and then I get judgmental on you and then I don't know what to think.

And that's kind of how I am now. I don't know what to think. But I am feeling that we're not getting all the information we probably need to really evaluate what's going on.

You're absolutely right! I have no desire to delete my responses. It's just as important for my work to understand why I chose to respond...especially when it's been my work to avoid BPD-type relationships. My lack of limit-setting, recognizing red flags, and my tendency to be intimidated and easily taken advantage of by others allows me to be an easy target for borderlines.

Perhaps it's as simple as a lapse of good judgment on my part....doing what's familiar rather than what's best for me....or maybe it's more complicated than that. Something I need to figure out, so I can work towards becoming stronger in my journey for better health and happiness.