Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

jersey
could you do

Week 1: Monday
Week 2: Friday
Week 3: no session
Week 4: Tuesday

etc?

Thanks SAWE- That's an awesome idea, but I work everyday except Tuesdays. She does evening sessions on Monday and Thursday but they are very very hard to book.

I was just thinking that every 10 days might be easier than every 2 wks. Every 2 wks is hard, I've been there.

To make it easier..I try not to count weekends and just think.. Well, she don't work weekends so they don't count, because shes not seeing anyone. Sometimes that works and sometimes not. This is one of those weekends where its not..but it helped to write that out.

When you tell me "I don't look anorexic" it triggers me, even though I am in recovery from my ED but know I'm still not 'healthy' yet. When you tell me you know anorexics in hospitals, I respect that disclosure, but I am not them, even though you have no idea what my weight was before I boomeranged back to you. It feels like you don't believe me, even though my GP has it documented. I am trying so hard to recover properly damn it!

trigger:







I want to slash, bash and smash myself, my whole body until the pain inside goes away and I am properly punished. It will take a LOT.

Roseleigh

I am in the same place as you. You are not alone. I hope we both find healing.

I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I let you down. You're trying to help me and I won't let you. I hate myself for that. I wasted your time. I was not compliant because I refused to feel anything. I just stared out the window and distracted myself. Totally disrespectful. I'm so sorry. I'm scared to cry though because the pain is deeper than anyone can ever imagine because I cover so well. I've never sobbed in front of anyone. If I cry as hard as I do when I'm by myself, then it gets pretty bad. I don't want you looking at me. I'm used to lying on my stomach and crying into my pillow or putting my head down on my desk not sitting up on a couch. I've been practicing though. I know I'm weird. I don't look forward to our next session at all. I'm guarding my feelings because I have to live with the pain. I'd rather hide it so I can be distracted by current issues than to bring up past ones and have to deal with double pain.

Trigger si

The reason I seem calmer and not as anxious at appointments is because I now beat myself with a piece of pipe before coming to the appointment. That keeps me from shaking the whole time. It is not because of your great and awesome powers of therapizing. The need to do so is becoming greater all the time so that I can come in and then so I can function afterwords. This has happened the other two times I tried therapy too.

I waited the entire weekend for you to email me back. Again. Only this time, you emailed me first on Friday about needing to rearrange our schedule. I responded to you, but you never got back to me. Yes, I know, in the grand scheme of things, who gives a flying f uck. The answer to that is: I do. Damn it. Why do I?

I'm really, really struggling right now, and this week is going to be super hard. I appreciate that you've scheduled a phone call with me for this Friday, but I really needed an appointment with you sooner. I know you're booked up, and I know it's not an emergency for me yet, but it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a crisis situation. My major source of support will be unavailable the first three days next week. I have to deal with stuff I'm not sure I can handle. You may be getting bombarded with emails from me. I try so hard to respect your time and not email more than once or twice a week...but I may have to make an exception. I hope you'll understand and can support me.

Dear T,

This week has been VERY hard for me. I keep thinking about how we ended the session, and I get scared to start from there!!! I don't know why I said what I did. I'm NOT that young girl anymore, so why do I still have those feelings? They're normal for back then, not NOW.

I'm so afraid that something will happen and I won't have my session this week. I feel it and I'm anxious. Maybe I'm just setting myself up so I won't be disappointed. If you get the flu, or I have to go out-of-town, it will be about 3 weeks! I can't go so long with these feelings. I just can't! On the one hand, I'm all right and keeping busy painting and writing. On the other hand, I'm in misery and need to see you so badly. I should be over these issues already. Shouldn't I?

Love,
rainbow

Thinking of quitting but so far you only know that I've cancelled next week's appointment.

My life is over. I hoped I wouldn't wake up this morning

I'm not sleeping because I'm thinking about you. I am always f ucking thinking about you. I want to shrug off this part of me - the one that feels so small and pathetic and needy.

Dear T,

I don't like you. You've got no sense of humour, you have no warmth, you're cold clinical and operate not as a person but as a text book automaton. You make all these promises and I think they're just lines from the text book, I think you have no idea what the words really mean.

I'm seeing you in a few hours and I think you're going to be defensive and waste half my session trying to explain your motivations and reasons for the way you were last session, instead of listening to ME and hearing what I'm feeling and thinking and needing and wanting.

I feel utterly crap because I know it's not going to work with you and that means I've come to the end of the line with therapy and that is really really scaring me.

Why couldn't you have listened to me? What I need and want isn't that obscure or difficult to provide. You just aren't capable, just like every other T I've seen, of stepping outside your own limited experience and entering my world, learning my language.

I can't keep blaming myself for therapists' failures, but I know I am and will keep doing so. I feel so bereft and frightened.

Dear T,

Why am I so LAME at this???????????? why can't I GET IT ????????????

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
why does he stay with me?
Why do YOU?!?!?!

Life feels like a cruel joke sometimes.

See you tomorrow.

T what would you like me to paint for you? I am stuck with this... It's not so easy anymore. I feel like giving up again giving up on everything

I am p issed, T. I haven't been p issed like this in a long time. The entire weekend I waited for you to respond to an email that YOU sent to me first, I was on edge. I didn't want to have that s hit clouding over what is supposed to be relaxing time, but there it was.

Today, you finally got back to me. And all to say pretty much nothing. I was waiting to see if I'd need to rearrange my schedule, but you couldn't let me know your schedule sooner? I was trying to help YOU out by shifting things around.

I'm not even being coherent right now. Since this morning, I've been hurling epithets at you in my head, and when I finally got your email, I just let loose with an outright F uck You. F uck you, T. This is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous! Who cares? Ahhhh.....

Dear T,

Did you read what I wrote above ? Your attitude today was not at all as I expected but almost as bad as I expected anyway so no real difference .

I never did get around to reading it to you though I did print it out and bring it to session. It seems you can't really take my rage with equanimity after all though I suppose you've been much more accepting of it than anyone else I've seen.

I'm not sure about today. At least I'm still in therapy so that's got to be something to feel positive about. Well actually yeah, I admit I did feel just a little bit grateful to you after session, but managed to stifle that feeling pretty quickly. Just writing it here so I can remind myself in future. Not for you to know about

Dear T-
I am greatful for you. You are a great T!

I have become adept at the techniques you say, maybe it's time for a break, get more involved in life. But why don't I feel better. And do you, after all this time not realize how alone I am? Please don't send me packing until I've made more progress getting more together in my life. so you are not my only support...so the loneliness between sessions isn't so terrible.
I feel like you are trying to put a 'fixed' stamp on my forehead even though I don't feel better. Maybe it makes you feel better. Or you sensed the transference I have been so careful to try and hide and you want to be rid of me. That look of sadness that came across my face when you spoke of your family. I pushed it away quickly enough, I thought, but you are a professional. You saw it. Then the next session...the above happens. And I am in fear that next session will be the last and I will be out there completely alone. I am afraid that we have been on different wavelengths now and maybe we weren't connecting at all - for all of this time. I want to fix it. I don't know how.

Oh dear. I was so mad at you last week (I totally over reacted) and thought you had fallen from your pedestal. But you are so wonderful, so kind, so beautiful, and you made everything better. So now you're not just back on your pedestal, the pedestal is even higher than before. I want you to help me with these really strong feelings I have but I am too ashamed to talk to you about them. I hope I can get to that stage soon, with your help.

Dear T, thanks for being so good at what you do. I have a lot of thoughts I'm going to want to talk about next week. Starting with that comment I made about my dad at the end of our session yesterday. I never knew I saw him in that way, it shocked me coming out of my mouth, honestly I'm not even sure I knew what the word "emasculated" meant but well there it was and I realize I really do see him that way. And it makes me hate my mother even more. Gah.