Self-hate.. lets talk about it.

One of the things that really contributes to my depression is the fact that I just don't like myself. I asked my T what are some ways for who don't like themselves to turn it around. One of his suggestions was to challenge the irrational thoughts that make me think I am not a "good person."

Then he said, well what do you like about yourself.. I honestly, couldn't think of anything. I just asked what are the kinds of things that I should like about myself? LOL.. So, he started to state things that people like about themselves that he saw in me. We made it to two things, b/c everything he listed I had examples as to why I am not that (he said intelligent and kind)... So, he thinks there is something deeper that that is preventing me from really accepting the fact that I could indeed consider myself a good person... that I am not broken, dysfuntcional, whatever..

Please tell me, why can't I like myself? I have no clue what is stopping me from actually beliving it. OK - some maybe you can't tell me why I hate myself, but maybe you can gives examples of why other people or you don't like yourself. Any insights at all?

Like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman.. Sometimes its easier to believe the bad things than the good things.

I too have a hard time seeing good in me- most notably why my T sees something in me that makes her want to be nice to me. To be nurturing, protective. I ask her why she likes me and she says that I am smart and funny and scrappy. That she likes that I am a fighter, and that underneath my sarcasm and mistrust there is a sweet person bc I like kids/am good with kids.

I have reasons why none of these things are true. And lately she just shakes her head when I ask for the millionth time "but why do you like me?" Or when I ask "Please stop being nice to me. You have to stop." She just looks at me and says "you really can't figure it out, can you? You just can't understand why someone would like you."

I try to understand but I don't.

Our negative self talk is leftover whispers from the people we grew up with who told us we were not good enough. Now we remember and we tell ourselves.

My T says they installed a program called self hate 1.0 and I have been making my own upgrades over the years, and our work in therapy is to uninstall that malicious software. Sounds like someone installed that same software in you, too.

I think hating myself protects me in an irrational way. It provides a psychological and physical barrier to the possibility of others hating me, leaving me, hurting me, rejecting me. If I have the self hatred hat on, if someone else is hurtful to me, I just up the hatred and I then feel in control. I can hurt myself more than anyone else can. People can easily hurt me because I am so sensitive. It's like me telling people, no matter what you do to me, it will never be any match to what I can do to myself. Illogical. Isn't working. But I keep doing it. Self hatred is what I know best. So, I guess for me it is a self defeating illogical defense mechanism that makes feel in control. My intellect can barely stand to type this.

I always try to tangle up my therapist when the topic turns to self-hate. I don't think self-hate is always irrational. Surely there is SOMEONE out there who is so evil and bad that they'd be stupid not to hate themselves, right? Like, if Hitler had sought therapy, I don't think the therapist would be trying to convince him that he was a lovable person.

But before she can even say it, I realize the obvious retort. Even if the above is true (that some people are inherently unlovable), how can I compare myself to Hitler? Am I that bad?

I don't really get self-love. Seems to me that if self-hatred is irrational, so is self-love. I can understand acceptance, though. And self-compassion. I can try to give myself a break when I screw things up and try to stop comparing myself to other people. I can also stop thinking about myself so much and try to live outside of my brain and self-consciousness.

I think for me its more of self acknowledgement and lack of self love....its not that I hate me, I would hang out with me if I were someone else, although I feel like I would annoy me....seriously can't believe how crazy and self absorbed I sound right now, but its true. Self love to me sounds arrogant, like I'm tooting my own horn and that too me is NOT something I want to portray...so I choose to pretend I have no needs and really no feelings, I guess I try to think I don't exists.

I don't know if I've ever felt self-hate; it sounds so strong. I certainly had zero self-esteem. It came from growing up invisible or seen as failing--never having my self recognized and acknowledged.

From our earliest development, our selves are part of, and later reflected by, our caretakers. If that mirror never showed us anything positive, or later filled us with only negative messages, then we just can't recognize positive naturally--we can't feel it as real.

From a psycho-dynamic perspective, the attachment to a T through the therapy process can "re-parent" us to repair the faulty messages or address the deficit.

I found this approach worked for me when all the behavioral affirmation stuff just didn't--it always felt like simply applying a band-aid over an ugly infection.

I used to really hate myself. After my first round of therapy, I decided there were going to be some things I was going to change about myself. For example, I decided to work actively to be less selfish. I have been pretty successful with that, although I've noticed my selfishness increase in the past couple of months. I think it's because I've been actively working in shame and shame makes me focus inwardly. However, I'm still trying to look outside myself.

I like what TC said related to negative self-talk. I saw someone post on facebook one day that what we tell our children will become their inner voice. I believe this is true. I still hear the voices from my past tell me I'm not good enough.

I saw that and posted it to , as a passive aggressive F you to my mother... of course she didn't get it...

self love to me = conceit and self absorbed.... hows that for black and white?

I can't really offer any advice since I have the same problem. I can give you hug though

I hate myself. I think of crazy ugly things I did while under ignorance that have hurt others that I cannot forgive myself. If I knew a person that acted the way I have, I would hate them too.

We learn about self worth from the moment we are born. If we were seen for who we are and not forced to fit into other people's phantasys of who we are we grow self confident.

For me, it's my rational mind that tells me why I deserve to be hated, and provides the evidence. I don't hate anybody else. I don't think anybody else deserves hate. It's something I can only say about myself - I don't have the right to judge anyone else.

I try not to talk too much about this, though. It sounds like I'm insincere and looking for sympathy. Which I'm not - I'm just saying it like it is.

I hate myself, It is something I am working on in therapy though.

http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/601....283620907.jpg

This always hit me hard, looking back at it. It kinda falls into place with the self hate thing.

i think it is just what i know.

Self-hate is becoming less and less of my story each day.

I hate it ... But when that's all you've been led to believe about yourself from the time you're born, it's what you believe ... Fortunately we can work on deprogramming those messages about ourselves ... Unfortunately, it's gonna take time and lots of persistence to totally overcome them ... ... !!!

This is such a huge thing for me. The very idea of daring to think I shouldn't hate myself makes me feel so so wrong. I know what a worthless thing I am and to try to pretend otherwise is delusional. There are times when I try to accept myself and just be okay with who I am but they usually lead to a horrible backlash where I have to punish myself and remind myself how bad I am so that I never ever make the mistake of forgetting again....not the healthiest way to be according to my T. We are trying to work on acceptance and feeling like I am a decent human being(self love is way too much to try for- like Lola that seems arrogant to me and thus wrong for me). It's a tough battle.

As others have said, in some ways it's safer and better to remind myself of how hateful I am, that way I don't invite others to remind me and sow me how deficient I am in every way.

I wish I'd seen this thread earlier, because I had almost this exact same conversation with my T last session. I can never come up with things that I like about myself when he asks me, except that I am kind to animals. He came up with just two things that I agreed with too. I'm caring and I have integrity. I feel like "integrity" is kind of a catch all trait though. Most people have it in some form, right?

Anywho, T says I lack hope and that's what keeps me from seeing my good traits.
I intend to ask T where hope can be found in my next session.

we sound like a convention of murdering, lying, adulterous, gluttonous thieves - is that enough sins for you? when actually we all kinda know each other, don't we? and I don't think we're all that horrible IRL. we would be bragging about it if we were! instead, it's more like this nagging feeling we have, of just being awful people - isn't it? the more I read these, the less I believed them to be true, especially of myself, even though I FEEL the same way, like the bottom of a pile of poop.

I am glad this thread was posted as this topic has been on my mind for awhile. Recently I have started to be in a situation where I am around new people and I have noticed how anxious and upset I am when I leave the situation - flashes of the interaction come into my head out of nowhere...it isn't embarrassing stuff I said or did, there is nothing I can point out as being anything out of the ordinary....and although I don't believe I am important enough, I still get paranoid that everyone is thinking 'urg she is disgusting' - and I still get strong self harm thoughts about it. I can't even figure out why I get such a strong need to hurt myself...and so that is upsetting to deal with as well. I wish I could figure it out!

I was wondering what the difference between self-hate and shame was? Because despite everything I have said above I am not a timid person. I am, in general, very confident, no one would describe me as shy or reserved...private yes, reserved definately not (I often wish I was less self-confident as it gets me in trouble!). I think my self-esteem is pretty good, I know I have a lot of good characteristics and traits....but I guess they don't feel like the real 'me'. I think this is why I get confused because I could list off quite a few positive things about myself but still think I am completely disgusting and wonder why I was given a heart beat.

I wonder if it is something along the lines that Antimatter said about my reaction being self-protection....but I don't know why I am scared of being rejected by people I don't know and probably will never fully get to know on any deep level....I think I feel ashamed of being me....but I don't know why and it is driving me crazy. I want to talk about how I feel but I don't have anyone to tell (so sorry for the length!). I am so ashamed for being so fearful of people. I would like advice too if anyone has any...