that is the question. It is strange... When I couldn't have it it was something I fought for... So hard. Now I have a t... I'm wondering whether it is helping me to see her... Or whether it is harming me to see her.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go burning any bridges. I guess part of it is that she is a nice lady who is trying to help - which is terrific, don't get me wrong. But there are lots of nice people in the world who try to help. On internet boards, for example. So what is she giving me that I can't get from boards?

I know what kind of orientation I think I would like. What kind of t I think I would like. But that isn't on the cards. She is nice but I don't have a whole bunch of hope that she will help me with terrific insights. And she wants to talk rather than reflecting me back which kind of doesn't exactly help me come up with terrific insights either. Half the time... She doesn't really seem to be understanding what I'm trying to say... What is going on. She reflects back... And I have to try again to explain. And we aren't doing the best on that score.

She is nice but... Maybe she is keeping me wallowing in my sickness... I don't know. I guess I need to talk to her more and try and figure out some of the miscommunications.

Like her scheduling me in at 8.30am. I said I wasn't a morning person but that actually that is the best time all things considered 'cause I won't be missed from work and because it will get me up and at 'em right at the start of the day and cut short my couple of hours of ruminations...

She keeps saying 'is it too early for you'????? I'm starting to think... It is too early for her. I asked her if it was and she said 'no'. But then she seemed really a bit peeved I missed my last session (mixed up the time). I think she was trying to get at me... No, I don't think I'm being paranoid. I don't know. I don't know that this is working out...

She is lovely...
But...
There are lovely people on internet boards, so what is the point again?????

And really... If I got what I wanted re: therapy... I think I would get a whole heap worse and not be able to function.
So... Maybe the whole therapy thing (maybe the whole thing of my wanting a therapist) is really more an expression of my pathology than anything else... My wanting something I cannot have. And if I were to get what I think I want... Then... What would happen with my functioning? I think I would be so obsessed with me (more so than at present even lol) that I wouldn't be able to get my work done...

Sigh.

which isn't to say that things aren't hard.
it is just to say that i've done my time...
many years of councelling
d&a
psychotherapy (CBT)
narrative therapy
DBT
and the odd p-doc with something psychodynamic (which I much preferred - though... functioning...)
i mean... i didn't function worse exactly... but that style of treatment (which I think is better suited to me) isn't on the cards at any rate...

and really... therapist - client fit can be the most important thing really... she is lovely but she may as well be from mars...

gentle tears...

there aren't many clinician's who i do get on with...

what is wrong with me?
what is wrong
with me?

[Rhapsody]

I would say that YES.................... therapy can and will help and that your T has techniques and years of training / knowledge that she (or) he can share with you..... but all in all I think the first step to any healing is talking about it all and I mean all.

Give it a try and see how it goes for say 6 months.... then reevaluate the situation.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

i had a really REALLY bad fit once with a T... I switched and now it is good. Its not perfect, but I feel good about it. What do your insides say? Is this about her? or about therapy as a whole?

[(JD)]

so much you have spoken! You seem to know what helps you, you seem to know what you need to do to help yourself...

Isn't therapy really about learning about ourselves and what we need to continue self-care? Isn't therapy supposed to be difficult at times; isn't it work for us?

You have many good insights included in this, but then you question yourself...and your T. It sounds to me like you have made some assumptions and haven't really asked or discussed them with the T. Please do, if not, and please do again if you have

A therapist doesn't heal us...we do that. Yes, having someone who wants to help and has creditials is better than lovely ppl who mean well but don't know alot about you. Why not open up to the T about your thoughts here...and find the person whom you need to travel this journey successfully? TC!

hey. i'm not so sure that the 'techniques and years of training' mean so very much to me anymore. why? 'cause i've been there, done that. my cbt therapist said she had taught me all the strategies she knew, everything in the book. all that was left to be done was to go through the book again. sigh. cbt wasn't so well suited to me, basically. i don't know. sometimes... i'm not sure what the training buys them... oh yeah, a job lol ;-)

talking... that can be hard. destabilising. sigh. i guess that is what we are trying to do now. built rapport. build trust. i guess i'm just worried it might be a bad fit.

but then... maybe i'm just being resistent. yeah, i'll give her 6 months...

thank you

hey. i guess the question is about both. firstly, i'm not sure we have the best fit... but... she is a nice lady and she is trying to help me. i believe that. so why isn't that enough for me? because i can find that on boards basically. secondly, it is a concern more generally. i wish i could interview t's and pick someone who seemed to click with me. who was an orientation of my choosing for a change. trouble is it has been such a fight to see someone at all i really have to make do with what i have. tears. i am starting to wonder more generally about therapy. i mean... if i get a psychodynamic t then i struggle with some of those concepts too. what do i want... what do i want... i want someone who is a good personality fit. but given my personality... that is pretty hard to find. impossible really. one t who was a good fit. in all my years of therapy. sigh. i don't know. i'm sorry.

hey sky. i'm not sure what therapy is supposed to be about sometimes... i guess my main problem... is ptsd symptoms. i guess the appropriate therapy for that involves... talking about it. but if there is one thing i know... it is that talking about it makes it worse. a whole heap worse. and i've never come out the other side of that. gets worse sometimes gets too bad sometimes loose time and end up in hospital and stuff. sometimes receeds back to how it was to start with.

i don't know. don't know that talking is going to help...
i'm trying to talk to her but it is hard.

last time she asked if they voices had names. i kinda shook my head. she said 'they don't have names'? i didn't know what to say... i said 'yes, but i don't want to tell you. i'm sorry'. she said it was okay, but she looked upset.

i'm scared.

[(JD)]

hmmm one does not have to talk about the trauma to work though PTSD symptoms. Learning ...ah hem relearning how to process events...day to day upsets and triggers helps teach the brain what to do with them, and when you cover something that is misfiled similarly to the trauma, the brain goes AH HA! and processes some of the trauma event.

PTSD isn't cured. If it were as simple as discussing the traumatic event, then we would all "bite the bullet" and be healed! It doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry you have felt this, and suffered because of the belief. Think about all the changes that happened "to" you and the way you live... each area can be addressed...a main area is trust... relearning ways to trust safely. Think about how you breathe now, when triggered... and how that needs to be addressed. Think about the triggers.... without discussing the trauma, you can work through realizing when you are triggered, and how to ground yourself and eventually eliminate the trigger.

There's so much more to therapy and PTSD. I hope you will ask your T and find out just how secure she is in helping you

hey sky, thanks for your response :-)

i know that one can work on managing PTSD symptoms without talking through the trauma. I've done stuff on mindfulness meditation (learning to have better control over ruminations). work on distraction, self soothing, etc.

but i've never talked about it.

i guess there are different theories as to how to approach it. Linehan (for example) thinks that stabilisation work is important (learning how to distract from ruminations, self soothing etc). But she also thought that after stabilisation work there would be a benefit to working through the trauma by talking about it. That latter part hasn't been empirically validated (i don't think) - but she thought it was important.

I've done the stabilisation work. I guess I'm fairly stabilised. Fairly functional. I've stopped doing the mindfulness meditating (which I should really get back into...) and I'm not stabilised WITH a t (in terms of trust and communicating with them etc) but I guess I am relatively stabilised.

What I've found though... Is that the mindfulness and the distraction and the self soothing etc are more strategies for keeping up functioning in the face of the problem. I don't know whether talking through the problem would help or make things worse... I know one theory is that it temporarily makes things worse as the memories and ruminations become more frequent... But that the working through leads to an ultimate reduction / disappearance in the symptoms.

I don't know what to think...

I guess I think... That I've managed to keep up functioning... That I need to go slow to make sure I keep up functioning and don't deteriorate... But at present I feel like I'm fairly much stable mostly but sometimes in danger 'cause the ruminations / memories get to be too much... I want them to get better...

I'm not sure whether I just need to keep working the skills for the rest of my life...

Or whether I need to do some talking through...

I don't know.

It gets pretty bad sometimes... I don't know... I don't know what to do...

I think my t isn't really so secure with helping me... I have DID and she hasn't treated that before. I've talked to her a bit about the voices and stuff but... I don't know... And I guess I don't have so much faith in her... 'Cause she doesn't seem to have so much faith in herself... I don't know. Not such a good personality match I guess...

But then what would a good personality match be?

Maybe saying 'not a good personality match' is my way of resisting / avoiding therapy... I don't know.

Just a lot confused right now... And so very very very tired...

okay so i'm trying to clarify my thinking as i write...

ONE POSSIBILITY:

it is about improving functioning. what are my symptoms? ruminations / memories that prevent me from doing other things (getting to sleep, getting up, doing social activities etc). the way to do this is to learn to manage my symptoms better. distraction, self soothing, acting ones way into feeling different etc. just work the skills work the skills. over time i should learn to have more control over my attention (so i am better able to distract from ruminating) and that kind of thing. this JUST IS the way to get better...

ANOTHER POSSIBILITY:
the above process is important with respect to stabilisation but the above approach will only get one so far. progress will kind of plateau and the way forward is to talk about and process the trauma / ruminations etc. talking through them and re-processing them will help loosen their power over me. that will mean that my symptoms will reduce so that the coping strategies will become much much easier to implement.

WHERE I AM STUCK:
1) maybe i need to get better at practicing my skills (i'm not practicing them as effectively as i would be with more practice. more practice is the best way forward...
2) maybe i need to talk through some of the ruminations / memories. doing this will lead to an initial increase in symptoms (due to talking / thinking about them more) but will ultimately decrease their power so that it will be easier for me to implement my skills.

I guess one should always practice the skills as best as one can and that one always gets better with that over time... i'm just wondering whether... 2 is likely to help long term and if so whether 2 is likely to create great problems in the initial phases (so that it isn't worth it).

I guess the main problem with 2 is my relationship with my t... we don't understand each other well enough yet... i don't know that i am attached enough to her for her to be able to help me through that process as yet. i also don't know how much of a cognitive theorist she is... i find that cognitive restructuring / challenging faulty thinking ISN"T a helpful thing for t to be doing when i'm sharing how i FEEL and trauma stuff... i need her to reflect back more... let me do it at my own pace... if she tries i just feel invalidated and become defensive... i understand how the process is meant to go... but i need to have more faith that we have a similar view of it... i need to have more faith that she isn't going to invalidate my experience... she needs to have more faith that i will pick up on unhelpful ways of seeing things and will request help if i can't see another way to interpret...

i need to have faith she can help me rethink certain thoughts that i struggle with synthesising...

i don't know that she can...

i do come up with some doozy's sometimes...

okay so probably this is a good thing therapy-wise...
i want to see my t
i feel very small
i want to see my t
i don't feel all that much attached to her...
but i wish i was as small as i feel
i would jump into her arms and throw my arms around her neck
and burrow my face into her neck
and hold on tight hold on so tight
i just feel small and alone right now
and i wish i could see her
i wish i could do that
i know i can't do that
but i wish i could see her...
i rang her up yesterday to try and change the appoitment time...
she had the day off.
i rang her up today to try and change the appoitment time...
she had the day off.
is she okay?
is she sick?
is she okay?

i have been having a little bit of email correspondance with a former t...
she said...
sometimes i come across as aloof and fairly terrifying.
i figured it was her transference stuff...
but i guess i've never been that great at letting people know how i feel... t's in particular (i guess i'm not that intimate with anyone else irl)
but i'm not so good at it.

the t who is the person i value the most...
when she was leaving...
she said 'do you want to talk about it'
and i would close my eyes and shake my head and change the topic
and she would bring it up again closer to the time she was going
and i would do the same thing
and she said 'is it that you don't really feel anything about it? are you looking forward to my going?'
and she looked a bit hurt
and i felt horrified
i closed my eyes and blurted that i really didn't want to talk about her going cause it hurt too much and i really wanted to keep working with her but i know i couldn't and i was dealing with it but it was hard and please can we talk about something else
and she looked at me a little strangely and said okay

so t probably thinks i don't like her
i don't appreciate her
i don't care that i'm not seeing her for close to one month
and when she puts that out there...
(implicitly)
i think she doesn't like me doesn't want to see me
so i withdraw even more
and the situation spirals...

but i wish i could throw my arms around her neck and cry
i wish i could tell her
i wonder if sh ewould let me email her
email is easier
with this kind of stuff
IRL i can't do it
shame shame shame shame shame
i can't do it

[(JD)]

sigh. (((hugs))) email takes too much time for clinical psychologists/therapists.... really...and it isn't as good as face to face therapy... halo data and all you know?

Why not try out some smaller memories with the T? If she can help you think/work through them... then not only will the relationship build, but you might help your brain file some of the big ones too??? IDK.

You will always have to do some self care with regards to PTSD. Always.

hey. she doesn't have to email me back... it is just a way of letting me say some stuff... stuff that i can't possibly say irl. the t i really liked... one thing we had was an arrangement where she would give me her file notes. then i could say 'oh you interpreted me in that way but this is what i was really trying to get at'. it is amazing how many misunderstandings we managed to clear up that way... she would write in my file that i seemed flat and depressed for example, and i would say that i felt fine really i was just a little nervous about a test i had to take an hour after therapy so i was trying really hard to regulate my mood (hence it came across as flat / non responsive). little misunderstandings... i need those kinds of frank talks. helps me to be aware of how others are likely to interpret me. i need to learn that. i feel like people don't like me mostly... i don't understand the signals that i put out... they think i don't like them and the spiral begins. happens irl too. need a t to help me figure out what i'm doing wrong...

i know that i'll always have to do self care. i know that i'll always have to practice the skills too. i know that the memories / ruminations will never vanish entirely (in fact if they did then i think that might be me abandoining little me if that makes sens.e.. i don't think i could let that happen...)

but smaller memories yeah. i have a little. shared about th voices a little. she interpreted. she mis interpreted. i just said 'no i don't think so'... but she kept on and i just kind of went 'mmm'. the next week... she apologised though. said she thought she was pushing too hard to put her understanding on my life... that encouraged me to share a little more... to explain a little more why i didn't agree so much with her...

i don't know.

i feel so tired... thanks for your response.

[(JD)]

yes, I understand... but try and think about a psychologist's case load, and if each email took 5 minutes to read (and yet, really, you would write more than that probably) and then what? Don't they need to think about what you are trying to say? How many hours a day would they need for this?

You could probably fax something on those days you are desperate to make contact, imo... if you can't call. ((((hugs))))

hey. yeah, i understand about time pressures... i didn't mean that i'd like to email every week or anything like that... i just meant that... well... it looks like it is going to be about one and a half months between sessions. i wish i could send her a brief email that is all...

doesn't matter...
i'll be okay.

special k,

I think sending one email in-between sessions is a great thing. I do that sometimes! For me it keeps the communication going..... I have relationship struggles and if I'm gone long from someone.... it's nearly impossible for me to be open and "pick-up where we left off". My T. is good about me emailing and sometimes emails me back and sometimes not....I'm OK with either way --at least I get things conveyed that I otherwise wouldn't have. I think I've progressed much faster (not that I've gone that far yet- )--with being able to email.

Why don't you ask your T. about it? If she doesn't feel that would be an option-- then you can come here and we'll listen and help as best we can. I truly understand not being able to say things IRL and the ease of typing it instead......I'm like that too.

special k--

[(JD)]

OIC Well you can always snail mail a letter!!!

hey. yeah, i think i'll ask her. usually with t's... i find it really hard to talk about stuff... they liked it when i emailed them 'cause they would haul out the email in the next session and we would talk about it then. gave us something to talk about. i don't know... i'm just feeling very alienated from my t at the moment. have no idea when i'm going to see her again. hard for me to say i want to see her again (feel rejected and feel stupid for wanting to see her). and she will pick up on that most probably and think i don't want to see her so she will be aloof and schedule me in a couple weeks. and then i'll just feel worse. and i can't do it by phone but i wish i could email her. tell her i'm not doing so well :-(

i feel bad about attachment. i feel dirty and pathetic and clingy and i am afraid that they are laughing at me. or trying to figure ways to hurt me or something. i dont' trust people very easily... things are falling apart rather... but i can't tell her :-(

yeah i guess i could... you know... i used to do that. before i got into email and the internet and stuff. i could also deliver it to her office. isn't so much of a walk into town and the receptionist could leave it in her tray or office or wherever.

i guess the main worry about email would be that i would start inundating her with emails and she wouldn't have the time to deal with it. i think... that t has to be able to say though. i mean... to many snail mail letters would probably be similar. and too many phone calls etc.

thanks sky

[Rapunzel]

You can always ask if you could email her. She can say yes or no. I found that it really did help me. I started with writing down what I had been struggling with and could not say, and gave my T the note, which he read. That was a huge turning point for me.

Some time later he eventually gave me his email address, and I often went home after a session and wrote what I couldn't say or hadn't been able to put together while I was there. It helped. Without it, I would have just been sitting there unable to talk about things (which I still did and still do), and might never have gotten it out, or just chatted about stuff that wasn't relevant.

Now I'm in online therapy with someone else, only meeting in person occasionally. It's not the same. It's quite different, in fact, and it does feel like it's missing something, but it adds something too because I can communicate that way when I can't face to face. It's a trade-off, and for me I think it's ideal to have it both ways. I wouldn't get anywhere without having the option to write what I can't say. But it's hard to maintain the connection with just writing.

I actually think it saves time for T because if it takes me 4 hours to write something, it would take me at least that long to get it out in person, and most likely I just never would. T can read it in half an hour or less, so that saves time for her that otherwise I would have wasted with my prolonged silences.

So, why not ask? And just write an old fashioned letter if you want to. There's nothing wrong with that.

Rap