So the theme in my therapy for the past few months has been that "I matter". During the events of the first half of the year in therapy (and certainly in my childhood and probably most of my adulthood) I've been careful to make myself as small as possible, to be invisible, to not get in the way, to make things easier for other people. T says he wants to help me find my voice, and to get bigger.

There is something about T's office that is really bothering me. A LOT. It's genuinely triggering. I've tried to just work through it, ignore it, etc...but finally, I said something. He acted like he was so glad I brought it up, and there was a very tearful, healing session.

Here's where I'm confused. This triggering item really just appears to be something that is being stored in a certain area. It's not something on display, something hanging on the wall, something sitting on a table...it's just tucked away, but in a place where it's visible to me.

SO. I decided to take a chance and ask him if there was any way he could move it. Not get rid of it, not change anything big, just move it to a different location in his office so I wouldn't have to see it all the time. It brings up a lot of hard, sad stuff for me related to T and therapy and this year, and it's hard for me to do the work I need to do when I'm constantly triggered by that. Every time I see it, it's like a little reminder that I'm not important, or good enough, a little reminder that I don't matter.

And T WILL NOT MOVE IT. He won't even give me a reason. I told him that if he would say "I can't tell you why because of confidentiality, but there is a reason that needs to stay there" I would accept it and keep trying to move through it. But instead, it feels like more of a power struggle. Or a combination of a power struggle and "nightsky will just have to learn to deal with this, dammit". It doesn't feel fair.

I have never asked him to shift anything in his office, EVER. If he would have just given me this one thing, it would have been huge. I am literally surrounded by triggering things every time I'm in there (and he knows it and understands why they are triggering), and it would have given me this one safe spot. It's just storing something in a slightly different spot in the same room. That's all.

I hate that he admitted that it's partly a power struggle. AND I hate that he said that it's partly about me having to learn to deal with it. I have almost never asked someone to change something that is hurtful to me, and the few times I have, NOTHING CHANGED. THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT. Just this one time, maybe it would have felt like I DID matter, and like he's not just feeding me a load of crap.

He kept asking "why are you fighting this so hard? why won't you accept that you matter?". OMG. If I could just magically *accept* everything, i wouldn't need therapy.

I'm creeped out because it feels like his words are saying one thing (your feelings matter, you matter, you are important, we will help you find your voice) and his actions are saying another.

And like I said, if there were ANY kind of explanation, even "I cant' tell you why but it needs to stay there", I would accept it. But this just feels like "shut up, nightsky, and deal with it".

I would really love anyone's thoughts on this. It's super painful.


ETA: I don't even know if it would help if he would change his mind and move it at this point. What I needed was to be heard and seen and cared for. I needed him to SHOW ME that I can use my voice and that my feelings matter. He showed me the opposite. At least that's what it feels like.

[Nightlight]

I'm sorry you're still struggling with so much. I would find that situation really difficult too. Not really knowing why it wasn't okay to adjust something slightly to make everything safer.

I really relate to the feeling of words and actions not matching up too. I've been going through a lot of that in my therapy lately. My T has always told me that I matter, am important, and so on. Yet when I ask for help, I've been forgotten. Important details of my life have been forgotten. There were so many other worse things than that. Big painful stuff. So not quite for the same reasons as you, but I'm finding it hard not to question the words I've always been told by T. It's like..I don't matter after all.

Sorry I don't have anything really supportive or helpful to add. I just relate to some of what you're feeling. I know how much I want to hold onto this particular therapy relationship myself, because it's been so healing. Because I love her. Because surely if we can work through it, things will be okay. If we can get through it, survive it, maybe I'll be stronger, better? But it feels so unfair to me that after so much hard work from you, you're still having to deal with so much. Even though I wasn't posting much when you were...you matter to me. Your posts have always been so helpful and amazing. I wish T could be clearer about what is happening so you could be sure that you matter to him too. So you could know that he hears you, sees you, and cares.

Bring into therapy an item more powerful than that thing and set it down right next to it. when you leave take it with you and laugh all the way home.
You are a strong confident psychological bad @ss.
Make yourself bigger.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by nightsky

ETA: I don't even know if it would help if he would change his mind and move it at this point. What I needed was to be heard and seen and cared for. I needed him to SHOW ME that I can use my voice and that my feelings matter. He showed me the opposite. At least that's what it feels like.

I am moved by what you say and ache for you. I hear so clearly your issue being being seen, and not invisible, and here you spoke up and he didn't really hear you either. It was the opposite - invisible again. My chest feels tight and closed as I think about sitting in my chair in my therapist's office, with an immensely triggering thing in my eyesight, knowing that my therapist isn't responsive in any way..

Not moving it wouldn't necessarily be a power struggle. but refusing to tell you why, or even telling you that he can't tell you why, feels like a power struggle. I feel myself in that situation slinking down into the chair and waiting for him to tell me what I should do next, since obviously my ideas don't count so much. This would be a red flag to me - although I'm not suggesting that all red flags mean to terminate, or even do something drastic. I probably wouldn't make it an ultimatum either. I don't like ultimatums. But I don't think I would let it drop until I had a resolution that I understand and didn't just to have to shut up and adjust. Or I might, because I can be a wimp - but I suspect therapy would go downhill.

Originally Posted by nightsky

What I needed was to be heard and seen and cared for. I needed him to SHOW ME that I can use my voice and that my feelings matter. He showed me the opposite. At least that's what it feels like.

He DID hear you. He DOES see you. He DOES care for you. Moving that item or not doesn't change any of those things. Hearing doesn't mean any other action other than listening to your concerns and feelings. You are making moving this object into some symbol of his feelings for you, but that just doesn't make any rational sense. Yes, it FEELS that way to you, but what he is saying to you is that isn't the reality. He is trying to get you to acknowledge that the reality is that the object isn't harming you; it is your perceptions/emotional connections you have placed on the object that are harming you, and you need to work through those. So, work through those connections to get past them instead of trying to avoid them by hiding the object. Hiding the object is just camoflauge. I suspect that is what he'd like you to be work on.

I quite like nothingtolivefor's take on this Along this vein, is there any way you could sit so you weren't facing it? Some way of covering it while you're there? It seems like your T is just being plain awkward on this one.. any way to beat him at that game?

I feel for you, I know you've been struggling in your therapy/with your T because of something that happened and keeps coming back around, I'm guessing this is something that reminds you of that and I can see why it would upset you..

I also 'get' the feeling that you need your T to throw you a bone, here. You've worked so hard. The gesture of moving this thing at your request would have been important, made YOU feel important. I also understand when you say if he did it now it's too late - you don't want to have to beg for what you need from him.

Playing Devil's advocate... Are you sure your T understands just how triggering you find this item to be? Or is it possible he thinks maybe you're the one being unnecessarily awkward, throwing a spanner in the works as an excuse not to move forward? Perhaps try to explain to him (again)?

Originally Posted by farmergirl

it is your perceptions/emotional connections you have placed on the object that are harming you, and you need to work through those. So, work through those connections to get past them instead of trying to avoid them by hiding the object. Hiding the object is just camoflauge. I suspect that is what he'd like you to be work on.

This is true. But believe me, there is literally NO WHERE I can look in his office, besides directly at T, where there isn't a similar item. This item just happens to be on one side of the couch while everything else is either in front of me or on the other side. In the big scheme of things, there is still PLENTY for me to work through. I just wanted a little bit of safe space.

I really do appreciate your perspective though. I really do get what you're saying.

I'm just on the tail end of something similar, and I know how incredibly painful it can be when T does stuff the makes you feel like you're not valued. Been there, done that, shed the tears.

I can't tell from what you've said why T is refusing to move it when you've been working on "finding your voice" and speaking up about this sounds like you're moving forward. Would it somehow be too easy if he just said OK and moved it? (therapy-wise) Is he making you fight and push to get what you want? IDK. There may be some method to his madness, or maybe he simply doesn't want to move it. IDK.

But I really think you need to keep working on this until it somehow gets resolved. You deserve that. (The thing I just went through took 4 months!!) What's important is exploring the feelings that it's bringing up in you. It makes you feel like you don't matter to him? Tell him!!! Over and over and over again if you have to. Work through it.

If you're worried about boring him with it, remember that you're paying the bill. I know that my T really got pretty sick of hearing me go on and on about "the email thing" but either I was going to get some sort of resolution within myself, or the r/s was over. Period. It couldn't continue as it was. And it ended up being a huge step forward in my therapy.

I hope you can hang in there on this. You DO matter!

PS: You could always bring in a small blanket and toss it over the object during your session, then take it with you when you leave. Show him that this is important to you.

nightsky, I am so sorry you are still struggling through this. So very sorry. I wish there was some way that your T could really understand what he is doing and saying through his actions. I wish there was some way for you to truly know how important you are.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I quite like nothingtolivefor's take on this Along this vein, is there any way you could sit so you weren't facing it? Some way of covering it while you're there? It seems like your T is just being plain awkward on this one.. any way to beat him at that game?

No, this stuff is everywhere. I just wanted this one spot.

The thing is, I wasn't asking him as a test at ALL but it ended up being one inadvertently. I thought he would at least give me an explanation, but he admitted it was a bit of a power struggle.

That's a crappy *** way to show me that it's okay to "find my voice" and that "I matter"

Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor

Bring into therapy an item more powerful than that thing and set it down right next to it. when you leave take it with you and laugh all the way home.
You are a strong confident psychological bad @ss.
Make yourself bigger.

I kind of love this. I actually tried to imagine what I could bring in. I don't know if I could do it, but it makes me feel better to think about it.

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I'm sorry you're still struggling with so much. I would find that situation really difficult too. Not really knowing why it wasn't okay to adjust something slightly to make everything safer.

I really relate to the feeling of words and actions not matching up too. I've been going through a lot of that in my therapy lately. My T has always told me that I matter, am important, and so on. Yet when I ask for help, I've been forgotten. Important details of my life have been forgotten. There were so many other worse things than that. Big painful stuff. So not quite for the same reasons as you, but I'm finding it hard not to question the words I've always been told by T. It's like..I don't matter after all.

Sorry I don't have anything really supportive or helpful to add. I just relate to some of what you're feeling. I know how much I want to hold onto this particular therapy relationship myself, because it's been so healing. Because I love her. Because surely if we can work through it, things will be okay. If we can get through it, survive it, maybe I'll be stronger, better? But it feels so unfair to me that after so much hard work from you, you're still having to deal with so much. Even though I wasn't posting much when you were...you matter to me. Your posts have always been so helpful and amazing. I wish T could be clearer about what is happening so you could be sure that you matter to him too. So you could know that he hears you, sees you, and cares.

((((((Nightlight)))))) I know you've been struggling too, and I really thank you for responding here. It does help to not feel so alone with it, although I SO hope it gets better for both of us, and soon

Originally Posted by Syra

I am moved by what you say and ache for you. I hear so clearly your issue being being seen, and not invisible, and here you spoke up and he didn't really hear you either. It was the opposite - invisible again. My chest feels tight and closed as I think about sitting in my chair in my therapist's office, with an immensely triggering thing in my eyesight, knowing that my therapist isn't responsive in any way..

Not moving it wouldn't necessarily be a power struggle. but refusing to tell you why, or even telling you that he can't tell you why, feels like a power struggle. I feel myself in that situation slinking down into the chair and waiting for him to tell me what I should do next, since obviously my ideas don't count so much. This would be a red flag to me - although I'm not suggesting that all red flags mean to terminate, or even do something drastic. I probably wouldn't make it an ultimatum either. I don't like ultimatums. But I don't think I would let it drop until I had a resolution that I understand and didn't just to have to shut up and adjust. Or I might, because I can be a wimp - but I suspect therapy would go downhill.

I so appreciate your understanding, Syra You describe really well just how I am feeling.

And yes, the not moving it isn't the power struggle as much as the not moving it without any obvious reason. That hurts

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

But I really think you need to keep working on this until it somehow gets resolved. You deserve that. (The thing I just went through took 4 months!!) ...

PS: You could always bring in a small blanket and toss it over the object during your session, then take it with you when you leave. Show him that this is important to you.

We have been working on this issue (not the item specifically, but the bigger issue) ALL YEAR. Just when I think it's getting better, there's always another crappy surprise.

I do like the idea of tossing a blanket over it. I might do that. He has a blanket right there. I'd like to toss a tarp all over his entire office, honestly, and not be faced over and over again with this stuff. But maybe the blanket would be enough for now.

[Nightlight]

Thanks. That actually made me cry. I've felt so unheard too. Keep taking care of you. You voice is so loud and clear. It's so easy to hear exactly what this is doing to you. We hear you, you know? Hang in there.

Sometimes part of having a voice is also recognizing that just because we use our voice doesn't mean we necessarily get what we ask for or that things in our environment change because of our voice. What changes is that we are now empowered to realize we at least have a right to be heard. The right to be heard though doesn't guarantee things will always go our way. The empowerment comes from voicing our concerns and standing up for ourselves, but we have to realize that not everyone will agree with us or bend to our voice just because we have one.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

nightsky, I am so sorry you are still struggling through this. So very sorry. I wish there was some way that your T could really understand what he is doing and saying through his actions. I wish there was some way for you to truly know how important you are.

Thanks, MKAC

I wish he could understand too. Part of me wants to fight until he DOES, until he hears me and gets it...and part of me just wishes that everything in therapy didn't have to be so freaking HARD.

Maybe it IS time for a new T. Which seriously sucks, after working so hard ALL YEAR to move through this. AND which seriously sucks because my insurance is about to change and I don't even know if I can afford another T.

Sometimes I wonder if "no T" is the way to go. Just live and hope for the best.

[2or3things]

My partner reminds me all the time that the fact that she disagrees with me or doesn't do what I want her to doesn't at all mean she's not listening. When I'm in a better place, I actually even understand it.

I can see how might think that it's important for you to work through this particular trigger rather than ignoring it by moving whatever it is for you. And I think I probably would agree if that were the case, though I really, REALLY do get your feelings and would probably feel the same way.

At the same time, maybe this is an opportunity, as others have pointed out, to make yourself bigger. I like the other ideas folks have floated. Or, could you even just move whatever it is yourself (and maybe move it back at the end of each session...or maybe not). Maybe what T wants to to know is that you both have to take care of yourself, and also that you're worth doing so in whatever ways you need to.

Hugs, my friend. You've been at this for so long. But I can't help but believe this year is going to ultimately lead to such great things for you.

Take care!

wish I had more to offer...

[seventyeight]

hi nightsky,

i'm sorry you're dealing with this. i had a few thoughts on the subject:

- maybe the thing can't be moved because it needs to be visible to another client (considering it's so visible to you). still, your therapist could say, "i can't tell you why, but it needs to be there." but maybe it would help to know that this was a possible reason.

- would you be able to put the words in his mouth like, "just tell me if it's because of confidentially reasons you can't tell me why." i know he's saying it's a power struggle, but also maybe he can't actually think of a way to tell you that he can't tell you.

- instead of covering it with a blanket or bringing your own item to put next to it (both great ideas though, btw), can you sit in front of it? better yet, stand in front of it with your arms crossed. i think that would win the power struggle, for sure

best of luck with all of this..
78

[Syra]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Sometimes part of having a voice is also recognizing that just because we use our voice doesn't mean we necessarily get what we ask for or that things in our environment change because of our voice. What changes is that we are now empowered to realize we at least have a right to be heard. The right to be heard though doesn't guarantee things will always go our way. The empowerment comes from voicing our concerns and standing up for ourselves, but we have to realize that not everyone will agree with us or bend to our voice just because we have one.

I'm thinking I heard something different than you did, but maybe I misunderstood you, or Nightsky. I don't think Nightsky felt unempowered because it didn't result in what s/he thought s/he wanted. I thought the issue wasn't about getting his way, it was a power struggle over discussing and responding to what s/he had to say. Speaking your voice only to be ignored doesn't feel like empowerment to me.

Oh, oh, I have an idea! Next time, go in and sit in your T's chair!!! Then you will be facing away from this item, right?

Originally Posted by seventyeight

i know he's saying it's a power struggle, but also maybe he can't actually think of a way to tell you that he can't tell you.

The thing is, I *know* of other stories he has told me to protect other clients' confidentiality, so I'm pretty sure he could come up with something. I even TOLD him the stories I know.

I really know that in the end I'm just going to have to get over it. I'm just SO f@@@ing tired of getting over things. So I guess I want to complain first.

Originally Posted by 2or3things

At the same time, maybe this is an opportunity, as others have pointed out, to make yourself bigger.

I really am thinking about this. I just wish he would meet me halfway. For me, asking "could we store this somewhere else" IS so much bigger than Normal Me. SO much bigger.

I told him in a message today that sometimes he sees the me he WANTS to see sitting there instead of the me who is really there. I don't think he understands me at all sometimes.

But I could be totally wrong.

I really *do* get that I get to ask and people get to say no. In fact, when I first asked, I thought I was completely prepared for a "no".

It was when it felt like a power struggle that things started to really feel bad. Like T was saying "we are going to help empower you" and then fighting against it at the same time.

I hate therapy sometimes. He's going to leave me a phone message in the morning. Sometimes he "gets it" a little later, so maybe that will help. Just a "I would if I could because I know you would feel safer, but for reasons I can't tell you, I just can't". That's all. That would help.

I'm going to bed. Sometimes sleep is a "reset" button. I hope it works.

Thanks for your help you guys. I really REALLY needed to work through this with some friends.