Couch number 33!!!!!

((( Jersey )))

YES! Get out of those jeans and put a caution sign next to you so H can be warned.

Inconceivable!

Have fun with your daughter Mue.

Thanks. I really do understand because I've been feeling the same way. Things are falling apart with T too. I still have a little hope, but I've been trying so hard and I just don't know what to expect next week. That's not helping at all. I think I'm disappearing inside myself anyway and losing the ability to hope.

Have a good one MUE

And I hope you feel a bit better soon Jersey

I've never experienced much below freezing. Except at the Antarctic Exhibition.

I always notice you, Nightlight. You're the only other couchketeer South of the Equator. I'm guessing you are West of the Pacific, too!

That must be a horrible , horrible feeling..... things falling apart with T, I mean. To feel this way and to know that things aren't going so well with the one person on the earth you rely on. That would kill me. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this right now. Do you think you can work through it?

I understand how it feels to protect yourself with invisibility too Karebear. I always did too, perhaps not quite for the same reasons though. I struggle so much as a child, but I hid it. So no one ever knew about it, but everything was okay as long as no one knew. I never got in trouble because it was like I was never seen. As a teenager I could never show up at school and my teachers never noticed. Hiding so for long makes T such a hard process. Revealing yourself so much in that way. It's so unnatural for me and my T's been getting so angry and frustrated lately. I think she forgets how much I've improved and how hard and unnatural this whole process is.

Thanks CE, I notice you too.

From the land where a certain flightless bird is cherished and valued...

One of the important lessons I've learned from therapy is that ruptures are survivable. Ruptures can be repaired.

Understood.

It's so bad with T Karebear. I hope we can fix it despite everything. She's the only person in the world that I've been attached to, so this is killing me. It's been the worst thing I've gone through. I don't even know how to explain how bad it is. It started with the session where she got really angry. She raised her voice, told me thngs like I wouldn't be a good mother, compared me to my own mother, to her other clients, yelled that I wasn't trying multiple times (I was trying). I've never felt so horrific in front of another person in my life. That was just the beginning. So many hundreds of things have gone wrong since...but then she hears me, hears what it has done to me and hear what I need and she gives me hope. When I give up, she comes back to me. When I return with hope, when I'm really trying...things go so badly wrong again. Suddenly I can't trust the one stable, helpful thing in my life...because it keeps changing on me. She's my one person.

My T use to get frustrated as well. It got really, really bad. Like crisis bad- I've never felt such terror in all my life that someone was going to let me go and I would just die there and then. So bad that it moved me to action and sending her an email just spilling my guts. For some reason that really touched her heart and we haven't had a problem since.

Does T know how you feel really really deep down inside?

quote) I think she forgets how much I've improved and how hard and unnatural this whole process is.[/QUOTE]

I've seen this happen again and again in T. Keep your success in mind and tell her straight out when you need to.

I know you do this and are not heard. Talk louder...Scream...T's know that happens and can deal with it pretty well...usually

good luck

How awful! One thing no T should ever do is to compare you to her other clients. What use is that? You don't even known them.

But the other stuff is horrible too.

((Nightlight))

PS:

Also, a T should never tell you you're not trying. A T above all should know how hard therapy is.

PPS:

Psychonazis who don't like the word "should" may substitute "I prefer". And good luck to them.

I'm trying granite.

i know you have a hard time talking in T, but you're always so vocal here. I struggle to understand how that can be and I wish that I could be like that. I want to be like that, but I never know what to say.

I think I need training in the social arts.

She knows. I've been so honest. I've written it out for her. She feels criticised and that's making this worse. It's hard for me not to...tell her about how the things she's done have hurt me so badly. It's all been so bad she has been giving me an extra 10 minutes each week lately. It's meant a lot, that at least she's trying. I turned up for what was set to be my last session last week, ending in the most horrific way. She said goodbye to her previous client on the hour, and then didn't call me through until 10 past...and even that hurt...after everything. My last session. I was petrified. I just sat there waiting. Watching the time tick away. Four years, and that's how it was going to end.

I kinda believe that, as I have experienced one with my T. I'm not sure she understands how totally devastating it was for me because I can't talk about it without falling completely apart. BUT- I have felt her reach out to me and I have seen her take responsibility for her actions and I have felt some form of repair to the situation. The biggest part of what needs to happen to completely repair it is for me to take care of expressing, without any hesitation, how I felt as a result of what happened and how it affected me. THAT is something I just cannot do.

Is she by any chance a student? Sounds like she hasn't learned the
"rules" of T, if there is any such thing...

She sounds like more of a well meaning, but inexperienced friend than a T.

Have you a new T?

I totally understand nightlight. Expressing my hurt is something I just cannot do. Are you going to go back and see her again?

Repairing ruptures is what's helped me the most in the past. It's healed so much to know that we can survive them. This time though, it's been constant mistakes since October. If we survive it, it will be a bit of a miracle. The relationship will definitely be stronger, if we make it through. If we don't, I'll have lost my one person, she'll have given up on me during the worst time, it won't feel like she's out there anymore, and she will be completely gone from my life. I'm really afraid about what's happening.

Yes, I'm still trying (please let it work).

She's very experienced Shlump. She's helped me to turn my entire life around in a HUGE way and she's been an amazing T for almost four years.

i have always been able to write in fact sometimes i am obsessive about it but i do have a hard time if i know someone irl is going to read it .forget me ever reading it. that has been a big deal between my T and i . she wants me to read some if i write her a note. in fact i have been trying for a week to write her something and it is down right miserable .lol but ill get it..so will you karebear. i feel lucky i have this but it does no good with T . my T is awsome dealing with my unwillingness to talk . most times anyway.

if you go to my home page ang click on my pets album i have pic of my scrap room on the second page .they arnt great but that is it

I'll be praying for you nightlight. I know how precious that attachment to T is. I hope you can fix it.

Well- I'm definetly feeling a bit better than I was when I first started posting today.THANK YOU to everyone that posted and helped me. It's pulled me into a place where I think I can get through the night until I see T tomorrow.

You are all so wonderful and caring and I appreciate the support you gave me tonight. Thanks for hearing me and thanks especially for seeing me. Love you all.