[Big Mama]

I have a choice st make. Weds my/our T has set me up for a day time appointment. My H and I do evening's together and when it is just me it easier to do day times. My T has told me anytime it is a daytime appointment and your H is near by or unable to work bring him along if you want to.

At first when I set the appointment up it was intended for just me. But after an extremely difficult week I am having a most difficult time deciding if I should go alone or if we should go together.

The reason this is difficult for me is because I feel like when my H is present things are either good between us or I make him angry and then we fight when we get home and then argue about the next weeks appointment.

I also feel like when it is just me and the T I seem to be falling apart all the time. I could see how she would believe I am making up what I am telling her, or lieing, or just have a way of seeking that kind of attention.(Which couldn't be further from the truth) That is just a hunch, she may not think that way at all. I just feel that way. My feelings are usually right but not always.

If it is me and my H I don't know what the discussion will be about, if it is me and her It will be a complaining session. I hate it when things work out like that. Then it puts her in a bad spot to have to meet w/ us both the next week and discuss what she and I talk about. It makes my H feel ganged up on.

Right now I am so torn and lost I feel like I need to see her twice a week. I don't think that is possible though. I have some serious emotional anguish going on.

My H has OCD and is really pushing my buttons. I'm not used to him being home much. But do to the temperatures and the weather he's been home bunches and it looks like he is gonna be home some more days this week. He's not doing anything wrong per say just dropping little ugly rude hints which is very counter productive. Thats not nice but should not be a deal breaker. I don't like his rude comments and his answer is "see you can't take a joke, I try to pick w/ you and you get all pissed". That's an excuse. Snorting like a pig at me when I get a snack is not helpful. Calling me Bertha instead of my name is not nice. Laughing about beached whales and earthquakes ,not funny. I am just so tires of his stuff. On top of simply not getting along, being told things harshly, being treated like a child, being told you take care of the kids there your responsibility, being told to feed your animal he's looking at me and I ain't feeding him he ain't mine, I just get so tired of him. Then dropping ugly hints all day in passing just makes things w/ him unbearable.

I don't know what good typing this can do. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. I just want to lay my head down and cry, I just want to sleep, I just want to set alone and be alone. But all those are not productive answers. So who knows what I'll do, probably clean some more. Try to make mister OCD happy.

[avlady]

I really don't know what OCD is, but I bet I'll learn on this website,i've seen many talking about it. It sounds alot like my son's father, he wanted me to do everything for him, go only the places he would like to go, he treated me like I was a slave, and it's not so funny anymore because if i ever told anyone they would have seen what he did to me they would probably laugh thinking it was a joke. it's not a joke i can joke about it now since I seperated from him, we were not married but engaged and i ended up pregnant. He was a sick man who needed help and wouldn't get it. He said it was his choice if he wanted to drink alcholol but i told him i can't handle his demanding attitude towards me and he said "nobody would want you" He would take me out to differrent situations where he would degrade me in public, and i would have to walk away like a dog with his tail downturned, this is so embarrassing even to write that i myself let someone do that to me because I was afraid to be alone, I thought no one would love me ever, and one day I got the courage to get up and walk out,before he could lock the door on me. My son was 2 at the time, I had to go to the 7-11 and call the police to get my son out of the apartment.Fortunately, we weren't married so I went to court for custody battle and they gave me my son because we never married, i found out i didn't even have to go through the case afterwards because of the fact he never married me. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!avady

[Big Mama]

Good for you for escapeing. OCD is obsessive compulsive disorders. Obsesively washing your hands 50 or so times a day, checking that the door is locked repeatedly and not just a few times, like enough to make you late for work because you are checking the door a million times, super organized, ex. closets separated by color or short sleeve shirts, long sleeved shirts, jeans, pants, belts, ties, just very controlled. Lots of OCD folks organize the inside of there cabinets w/ boxes going from tallest to shortest. These people are often very ridged about certain things, the min's on a clock, how long food takes to cook ex 20 min exactly not a second more or less even if the food is burning or not fully cooked. My H had me and the kids pick up dirty gravel out of the driveway and pick up blades of hay from in the yard, pick up grass seeds &hey seeds off of the gravel. These issues were very real to him and caused a great amount of agitation if left undone.

Your son's father sounds like a narcissistic. Meaning he only thinks of himself and how the world relates to him and what it and everything in it has to offer him. Just a thought but since I don't know the man it's hard for me to say.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( HUGS )))

I can relate to how you're being treated by your H and the OCD - I experienced very similar things with my exH. We saw a marriage counselor (my current T), and ultimately he recommended that he see a psychiatrist and his own T.

I ended up divorcing him, because I wanted a better environment for our daughter. It was a nightmare living like that.

Anyhoo - are you typically honest with your H when you both see T together about your feelings? I'd imagine it'd be important to talk about how poorly you're being treated.

[Big Mama]

I try to be honest, I like to let my T know first what has been going on. She has made me promise (she didn't have to make me, I was scared to death and would have done what she asked anyway) if she said not to go home w/ him I wouldn't. HE is verbally and emotionally abusive. She is concerned about me staying w/ him for my saftey. She is not certin what his anger looks like.

I am afraid to be honest w/ him present. The T knows that and only asks for the minimal amount of info. I try to be honest when things happen. I'm not dishonest, I just am not the most forth coming. I am w/ her when it is the T and me, she understands my nervousness w/ my H. I'll have to go home w/ him at night not her. She is on my speed dial.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you are getting an overdose of your husband when the normal dose is too much already.

Are you torn because you think that your T wants both of you there but you only want to go on your own that one day?

[Big Mama]

Because he and I both need to go I am torn. I really need to go for myself as well. So which is most beneficial.

I fell like it will be me complaining session if it is me and T. If it is me and my H then nothing will really get accomplished most likely.

As it turns out I think I am going, just me. I need to go alone for a change. I got a lot on me and if it seems like a complaining session, I am sorry but I gotta get this stuff out. Get me strightned out and I can deal better w/ him.

[Big Mama]

You are so right. Good way to put it. an overdose when normal is already to much. Thank you for that analogy

Sounds like you are getting an overdose of your husband when the normal dose is too much already.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Because he and I both need to go I am torn. I really need to go for myself as well. So which is most beneficial.

I fell like it will be me complaining session if it is me and T. If it is me and my H then nothing will really get accomplished most likely.

As it turns out I think I am going, just me. I need to go alone for a change. I got a lot on me and if it seems like a complaining session, I am sorry but I gotta get this stuff out. Get me strightned out and I can deal better w/ him.

Very good! Once a week for you, once a week for both of you. Sounds great.

You must feel guilty "complaining"?

[Big Mama]

Sannah thank you for your responce. I've noticed several times before but forgot to ask ant the bottom of your little box it says i'm an ISFJ, that's a new one to me. What might that mean.

I do feel guilty about complaining. When me and my H are together sthiings seem great, when it is just me I seem to be either falling apart or complaining. I think my H is on his good behavior when he knows we will have T together the next week. He can let his guard down a little and be the typical pain that he is when it is my turn to see the T.

[Sannah]

ISFJ is a Myers-Briggs personality type. It stands for Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. There are 16 different types.

Sounds like you have every reason to complain when it is your therapy session. You are on your best behavior when you are with your husband?

[Big Mama]

Ahh OK I get it now.

You are absolutely correct. I am on my best behavior when w/ my H/ The kids and I have a great time be our authentic selves when he is not around.

He is just really intense to be around. He makes you nervous just being in his presence. He doesn't just make me and the kids edgy, the in home T we had said the same thing when she met w/ just him. His anxiety level and fidgeting made her nervous after awhile.

What did you decide about your appointment?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

The kids and I have a great time be our authentic selves when he is not around.

He is just really intense to be around. He makes you nervous just being in his presence.

Sounds like a great thing to talk about with T. This seems like a boundary thing on both sides. He probably invades boundaries like crazy and you have weak boundaries? I had to work on boundaries and getting stronger so that I could push back against people.

[Big Mama]

Turns out my H got to go to a warmer climite and work. It's only warmer because it is 34 degreese and hour from here. It's only 16 here. So he will not be able to attend w/ me. So problem solved. It's just me.

Sannah you are so right. My H invades boundaries like crazy. I need a lot of personal space. With T he has learned when he is aggressive stay across the room or at least 10 ft away from me. If you want to talk to me and ask me something I am not wanting to do get down on my level before you ask and be calm. He should not hover over me, get close to me, or raise his voice what so ever.

Most valuable he has learned that when we are arguing do not touch me. Hugs are nice for some people, not me. When I am upset because he fusses at me and brings me to tears, that is not the time to hug me or touch me. Last time that happened I blurted out, don't touch me I hate you. I felt badly but it was to late.

The T seems to think that may be my true feelings and thats ok. She also seems to think that could have well been a triggered responce. Helplessness w/ unwanted touch is possibly a trauma responce related to rape. Which we are working threw.

[Sannah]

If he is invading your boundaries with his voice and body language, touching you puts the icing on the cake.

Have you been yet? How did it go?

[Big Mama]

I just got back from T. It is such a relief to talk to someone. I kept my composure fairly well. I did need the tissues a few times.

The T more or less said this why we don't do trauma work with individuals that are living in a traumatized situation. You are going where I don't like you to go. After she read why I feel like I need to talk to her about a 20 yr old rape, she understands I think. It is like the migrating whales. Instincts tell them what to do and thy can't fight it. It is a crazy drive to survive. Well this is the same. What needs to come out and be shared comes over me. It has to be shared and will not go away until it is shared. She gets that's where I am. And for a while things will calm down. I'm glad.

We also talked about my H and I. She wanted to know if I thought that some of the issues my H and I were having were related to triggers and recalling the rape stuff. I told her I didn't think so. Because I wrote about the rape 2 weeks ago and we started having issues again here in the past week.

She said she could see a strong similarity between the torment of being trapped by the guy who claimed to love me and I had to trust in him because of the dangerous situation I was in and how I am trapped by my H and have to rely on him for everything. After that it was certainly a tissue moment. I never saw that. Relying on this man for safety while he hurt me and relying on my H while he hurts me. Both felt me leaving defenseless. I felt trapped in both situations and didn't have the inner strength to try and walk away from a bad situation.

I am so glad I went alone. I have a feeling sleep is going to be very peaceful tonight.

We talked about what to do next w/ my H present. She has noticed I am looking more and more "done". I have not done anything but cry on the last 3 visits and I was so visibly agitated the last time and didn't say much about why, she figured something was up. My H has been asking me "WHAT DO I WANT FROM HIM" but I feel so threatened at the moment I can't find the words to answer him. So I wrote it out and gave it to the T and told her I was afraid to confront him or even if it was not confront , I was afraid to give him the answer he wants. So that is our topic of discussion next time. I am ready to separate and that is the next step I think. I am following her lead, she promises we will go super slow and she will try her best to protect me emotionally. Physically I'm not afraid it's emotionally. I told her I jsut don't want to fight anymore. I don't want another ill word another tear, another lonely damaged ego due to him. So I am glad we are tackling this together. I do not feel like I have the strength to face him alone.

I'm sorry you asked and I answered. I am bubbling over w/ to much info. It's a sense of relief and a still processing. Thanks for asking and allowing me to take up so much of your time.

Thank you all for responding and caring. I need that every now and again.