scared i'm going to hurt my therapist

I've been going through such a horrible depression trough recently and I was in an awful mood in my session on thursday and all I can think is 'I'm so sorry'.

I feel so bad for being in a bad mood. I feel awful for not really communicating. I hardly made eye contact with her at all (like less than 10 seconds of eye contact the whole session) and eye contact is usually never an issue for me.

But I'm so scared of opening up because I'm so scared I'm more than she can handle. I have never opened up to anyone before with them being able to cope with it. I've actually lost a lot of friendships in the past because I just became too much for people to cope with (and that was even when I bottled things up!).

I'm also really aware that a lot of people have a 'reason' they become a therapist. And I don't know what hers is and I don't really want to know. But she is pretty skinny and I know that might mean nothing but I can't help wondering if she had an eating disorder. And I can't help worrying that it's going to become too much for her and I might make things worse and she won't be able to cope with me anymore.

I don't even know how to say this to her because every time she tries to get me to talk about our 'relationship' or what I think about her or what I think she thinks about me, I freeze up. And now I'm at the stage where I want to and need to say these things because I don't think, mood-wise, I've ever really been in a worse place before.

UGH. Sorry for moaning. I hate how I have therapy twice a week and yet it still feels like far too long between sessions.

I hear you, thawing. That's a really tough place to be in. And I completely relate to having therapy twice a week and feeling it's too long in between... but feelings are what they are, and thinking that you ought not to feel this won't make it better. It's how you feel, and it's ok to feel that, I believe.

I don't have a lot of wise advice to offer about how to talk about this with your therapist... but maybe talking about why it is hard to talk about it might be one way? I think therapists are used to that, and it may feel strange or silly for us to do it in such a roundabout way, but I don't think the T will see it like that. I honestly don't think you need to worry about hurting your therapist. If she has her own issues - and which human being doesn't? - it is her responsibility to find the support she needs for herself.

Could you write down what you are thinking and send to her or show her? Even just show her what you've written here?

Thank you for reaching out here and telling us about this.

Thawing, I literally can't remember how long it was that I couldn't look at my T. I mean years. I honestly don't know how he was able to tolerate it--but he did, session after session.

What seems bizarre is that I'm pretty sure in hindsight it was an indication that I'd reached a level of trust and attachment to him and to the process that there was no turning back from. It was a combination of knowing he wouldn't leave, and fear that I was connected.

I also experienced extreme concerns about his health, and had recurring thoughts that my toxicity would harm him. I think this was all about my fear of the acknowledged attachment.

It sounds like you know you are attached; the fear just comes with the territory. I think your T recognizes this too because she keeps asking you about the relationship. If you can just get out a few words, out loud or on paper, I think she'll help you to say the rest. I know it feels awful, but when I felt that awful, it was a way to avoid moving forward in the process because I really was afraid I'd destroy him--and then there would be no hope.

Wow! I do understand how you feel. I feel absolutely contagious sometimes in therapy, but that has never proven to be the case.

There is nothing that comes up that can't be dealt with as long as you both talk about it. Nothing.

I'm not sure all therapists have a "reason" for becoming therapists. Some are just fascinated by humans and human behaviour. I would try to stop attributing things to your therapist that are unlikely to be the case.

My therapist was very very thin, but that's just how he was. No eating disorder - he ate like a horse. Jerk.

Anyway. I get it. It does get better, just keep trying to talk and open yourself to the help that is offered.

You'll make it. It'll be okay.

Thawing, it sounds like you are taking care of your T a bit? Other people, like friends, can't handle big issues but your T is trained and it sounds like she is pretty capable because she is trying to get you to talk about the relationship. I'll bet she can handle anything you bring her way. Good luck in being able to share all of this with your T. Do you have a plan on how you might approach it?

I think it's that we felt we did 'destroy' the mother/breast in our earliest moments. I know my step mother & birth mother were both destructive people & projected that sense of having been destroyed into me.
It's not really about T. She is just a smoke screen. By bringing those thoughts/feelings into the theraputuc space they will be relived & resolved.

I did hurt my therapist, badly I think. I didn't know it at the time. I never would have said what I said if I had known it would hurt her. And I am so much better off for having been me, than avoiding certain topics, or censoring myself, because she couldn't handle it. She's being paid to handle it - and either she gets her own supervision to help her, or I leave, or she leaves me - and although painful, any of those options is probably a good thing. I can make different decisions about how to say things, but I can't become someone else and constantly be worried I might say something that hurts her when I am feeling no ill-will towards her and trying to sort out my chaos.

I can imagine you might be in real turmoil over this. IT's hard to think about dealing with my deepest warts and they not being acceptable. or handable. I imagine it's very scary.

I don't think they can be hurt by what clients tell them. It is the problem of the client, just hearing about it does not make it the problem of the therapist.

I struggle with the feeling I'm going to contaminate people if I tell them things about me. I tend to only discuss certain things with people AFTER they have indicated they have experienced something similar. There were things that took me what felt like forever to discuss with my T for that reason. And then after we discussed them, he reassured me he was not contaminated and he had heard worse. It's hard to trust, but the healing happens from getting the stuff out there and looking at it without someone who is at least a bit impartial and help you see that whatever it is, it is not something that makes YOU disgusting.

I KNOW they can be hurt. They're people. They have their triggers. It can happen. Just because they are the professional doesn't mean they don't make mistakes, even big mistakes.

I agree, a therapist absolutely can be hurt. However, I do think they have a professional obligation to not make their hurt become our problem. It's their hurt and they do own it.

It can, and sometime should though, become a topic for discussion in the therapy though and a lot of good can come out of it.

Therapists make huge mistakes all the time. They are like walking bags of mistakes. They rarely acknowledge it, but they do make them. And I am not arguing here over whether they can or cannot be hurt should a client say something mean about the therapist to the therapist or attack them otherwise (I mean I do believe they cannot really be hurt, but that is not the point I am making here).

I do not believe a therapist can be hurt over a client's issues or past or what the client explains or reveals or pick your verb, about the client themselves. That belongs only to the client. It cannot contaminate or wound or whatever the therapist. That a client may have the same issue a therapist deals with is not the concern of the client. It is the concern and responsibility of the therapist to either limit their practice to those who do not have the same issues or for the therapist to deal with it. It is not the concern or responsibility of the client to protect, take care of, protect, or worry about the therapist. It is not even possible, in my opinion, for a client to protect or take care of a therapist unless the therapist fails to maintain even the most minimal professional boundaries.

I agree it's the therapist's problem. I don't agree that they always own it.
I agree it should become a topic for discussion and a lot of good can come of it - I dont' agree that all therapist fulfill this obligation.

good point. I agree. if the therapist is hurt, it is the therapist's issue that is causing the hurt.

[/QUOTE] It cannot contaminate or wound or whatever the therapist. That a client may have the same issue a therapist deals with is not the concern of the client. It is the concern and responsibility of the therapist to either limit their practice to those who do not have the same issues or for the therapist to deal with it. It is not the concern or responsibility of the client to protect, take care of, protect, or worry about the therapist.[/QUOTE]

TOTALLY TOTALLY AGREE

[/QUOTE] It is not even possible, in my opinion, for a client to protect or take care of a therapist unless the therapist fails to maintain even the most minimal professional boundaries.[/QUOTE]
I agree. I've seen those boundaries failed to be maintained.

I know this is easier said then done, but it seems to me that the best thing you can possibly do is to unload on your therapist. You mentioned that you have had some relationships end because of your need to unload, and this is one of the reasons that you have your therapist there...so that she can take that load, so that she can help bear it. Then, you don't have to overburden family or friends. I know that for me, this was the biggest saving grace. One of the reasons that I became so depressed and anxious was because I was so worried about unloading on friends and family and scaring them away. After I started with my current therapist, it took me a looong time to even fully unload on her. I am a perfectionist by nature and am overly concerned with what others think of me and how they perceive me. So, it is SUPER hard for me to turn that off in therapy, and my therapist has to constantly remind me of this ("Content, don't worry about what I think. Content, I'm not here to judge you. Content, I am here to listen and help you work through your problems," etc.). Anyway, for me, the most relieving thing was when I finally started to stop worrying about my therapist...how she would feel and what she would think...and started to allow her help set me free and share my burdens. There was no easy way to do this; I just had to jump in...both feet...in over my head.

So, here's to hoping that you can jump in with both feet in over your head in your next session. I really hope that you do...please do.... In the end, you will feel so much better if you can do this (like a pressure valve releasing the steam). Best of luck to you! Please let us know if you are able to share more with her (your T) in your next visit.

I totally understand this. I told my T that I was afraid that he wasn't going to be able to handle my emotions during my first month of therapy with this T. He said, "I CAN handle your emotions." It was a relief, and it has helped me disclose some of my less than friendly emotions. Thus far, he has absolutely been able to handle them and help me with them. I think telling your T this is a good start. Keep us posted.

I rarely look at the woman at all unless I am extremely angry at her. I think therapists are used to varying degrees of eye contact.

I do not believe a therapist can be hurt over a client's issues or past or what the client explains or reveals or pick your verb, about the client themselves. That belongs only to the client. It cannot contaminate or wound or whatever the therapist.

This is all true, my T told me this many times, and intellectually, I believed it to be true.

It just held no emotional truth for me for a long time.

The usual suggestion to 'talk to her about this' applies.
It's important for her to see all of you, in every mood you are in at the time. It is who you are and helps her to know you better.

I felt the same way as you, and thought of cancelling a session because of my mood. When I told my therapist that I had considered doing that, she assured me that she wants me to come no matter what mood, and that she welcomes all of my moods and that it helps her to know me better. She needs to know (especially because I have a hard time verbalizing, especially when depressed) how I'm feeling and what happened (internally or externally, or both) that caused my mood to shift. It's very helpful

Yes, that's what I think.

Wow wow wow. Thank you so much for the responses guys, I am actually a little overwhelmed and SO grateful.

Funnily enough most of my sessions so far have been about why I can't talk! It is definitely getting a little easier though which is a relief. But yep we talk about why I can't talk all the time.
I'm not so keen on the writing down thing though. I think it's because I find it so hard to talk that if I started to do things by writing it down, I would never be able to talk at all and would only be able to write so I just think that by only giving myself talking as the option it might help me to talk in the long run? (does that even make sense?!)

I think you're right. When I started in September I think I was really afraid of becoming attached because I noticed every little thing she did wrong or that annoyed me and would constantly remind myself of that. But I'm kind of afraid of becoming attached just in case it goes wrong and then it would be worse. But meh that's something I'm trying to work though!
But also yes I relate so much to the physical health kind of thing. I don't know anything at allll about my therapist but I suddenly started thinking, what if she gets ill? What if something suddenly happens? What if she gets pregnant or something? Or a family situation and she has to move away? I mean something that neither of us could pre-empt? And I don't really know how to bring that up because I feel kind of silly for worrying about that and embarrassed, because again I just don't want to feel like I'm getting attached.

Thank you! I'm going to try and bring it up tomorrow. I don't really know how I'm just going to at least try!

I hope she can but I just keep having doubts! I don't really know how I want to approach it. I know I want to apologise for being in a bad mood on Thursday and I know she'll probably ask how I felt about thursday's session. I was thinking that if I say I felt/feel really bad about it then I know she'll probably ask why and then I can say I'm afraid because I don't show my bad moods around people and if I do they can't handle it and pretty much anyone I've shared it with, I don't talk to anymore. I'm hoping that will take it from there?

I really hope so. Thank you

Haha but this just makes me worry more! I don't want to hurt her! In a way I wish I could ask if there's anything I would say that would hurt her so I know to avoid the topic but then I also guess that's the point of therapy, not to have to censor anything. Maybe I'm just hoping for some reassurance from her, I dunno.

Thank you so much. You're right. I'm going to try and bring it up tomorrow and I hope it helps.

I guess you're right. When I was told I was going to see her, the person referring me told me she'd worked with a lot of people my age with the same issues and had helped them get better. So I can't be the first patient with these problems that she's had! I just worry a lot (had you noticed?!)

Thank you! I really wish I could just unload, soooo much. I will definitely keep you all updated



True true true true true! In fact she always mentions that I seem to 'find it hard to bring things to the session' so I mean while I don't want to be there when I'm in a bad mood, and I feel so bad for showing her I'm in a bad mood... well at least that way I guess she gets to see what it's like for me?!

Anyway this is a longgg reply so
in summary! I'm going to try to mention all of this tomorrow. I don't really know how. I'm just hoping I don't completely freeze up once I'm there (sigh). But thank you SO MUCH for your replies and suggestions and I will let you know how it goes!

If you freeze up once there, say that too
Tell her that you planned to talk about something but now you find yourself unable to.
Great beginnings are like this :hug;

I hope you have a good session tomorrow!

Great idea. I'd forgotten that I did that sometimes - and it was very helpful. When I couldn't talk about something, I'd talk about it being hard to talk about something (being as specific as I could) LIke maybe I'd find it difficult to talk about soemthing I couldn't name or maybe I would be afraid to talk about something that I did name, maybe vaguely. Whatever I could get out of mouth I worked with. Sounds kind of "off" but I found it helpful.

I do understand where you're coming from. I'm also a strong type of personality and people are often afraid of me. I also worry that maybe my T can't handle me. I've been through 6 T's and in hospital several times, in lock up. I'm a tough gal type and my T hardly weighs 100 lbs. So, when I admitted I had transference on T,like she's the mother I always wanted, I had a deep fear that my very presence would "poison" my T and cause her to fall over dead.
But T said that this comes from the "Oedipal" stage , a dissociated part of myself that taps into when the infant does believe it can destroy the mom. It is the struggle between good object-bad object that you can read about in psychoanalysis. Melanie Klein is one of those analysts who talked a lot about it in her book, "Love, Hate, and Reparation" It is a regressed, "Little child" part that is subconscious, or conscious. Of course the adult self knows better.
But it's so true as in the post above, that anything can be gotten through as long as you and your therapist talk about it.

I constantly watch out for/protect my T. I am always concerned about her thoughts, feelings, boundaries, etc.

My T finally confronted me about it in the middle of a crisis. She told me to stop being concerned about her. She knows I care and she appreciates it. But if I keep protecting her, she can't do her job, and she can't help me to the extent that I need.

Then, of course, came the argument that I'm just her "job". But anyways, I realized I was hurting both myself and my T by constantly worrying about my T. I still worry, but I try really hard to not protect her from myself.

As an added note: I thought my T was possibly borderline anorexic not because of her size, but because of how and what she ate. So I emailed her. She emailed me back: "Thank you for your concern." That was that. I know now she's not anorexic...she's just has extremely weird eating habits (but I assume it's healthier than my eating habits ).