That shame doesn't belong to you.

I have my own version of this, so I think I get the state.

But in my experience, it is possible for it not be so absolute in the shutting down. It is possible to have some awareness that one is engaging in it (as you must here, as even the recognition that this is happening is a crack between it and you) and it is possible to have some control over it. Over time, you can modulate your response, like a faucet, to more intermediate levels in between open and shut down. I think you may already be able to do this more than perhaps you realize.

I do the shutdown thing, too. It has helped me to think of the painful parts of therapy as some kind of warped running training program. T and I both will push me, sometimes past what I can tolerate, and I shut down--I think of it like getting shin splints or a muscle pull. So I slow down, walk for a while, even take a break from training and we build up my resources again. Then we try to race, and maybe I go a little farther before I get the pain. It's rough, but at least for me it's how the cycle works. I always overshoot the "therapeutic window," it's a very small opening in my case I think!

I am sorry you are feeling so ashamed. I know what that's like. I hope your session tomorrow makes you feel connected and okay again with T.

As an attorney can you not see how you were not competant at that age to make such a decision? Therfore it was not truly consensual?

Intellectually I can say I was not as intelligent, clever, mature etc as I remember myself being. When I am around a group of 4 year olds now, I usually think - dear god how have they not all managed to kill themselves through accidental stupidity (much I like I see puppies - on a constant quest to do themselves in by eating something poisonous or dangerous, getting stuck, or running into the road etc). And I rationally know I was just the same as a 4-5 year old. But I just really don't remember it that way.

EM - I hope the appointment tomorrow goes well.

One thing I read a little while ago that helped put things in perspective for me as far as feeling like I could have not willingly sought out the CSA that was happening with me, was that pleasure is an automatic reflexive feeling like pain. If you accidentally burn your hand you can't MAKE yourself stop feeling pain. The same can be said for pleasure. Especially at a young age when it's all new to you. If you feel pleasure you can't STOP feeling it.

But I too still feel like I could have restrained myself from seeking it out. I was smart and aware. I was just going over that with T in my last session. I know I was really looking for affection and it was misused by the abuser and twisted into something else. But it doesn't help me feel less shameful for seeking it.

I can regulate my emotions, however, I do recognize that these feelings are big and old. Much harder to wrangle. The faucet setting feels like it's on/off.

I'm okay though. Haven't decompensated, haven't totally lost it. I have a plan to cope, and I'm working the plan.

I'll make it. I go to work tomorrow. Then to my therapist, afterward, I hope to go back to work.

Don't know though.

(((Ellie))))
I was 13, and during an EMDR session with xT, 'those' feelings were felt. xT asked what I was feeling and I told him I'd rather not say. He told me that was normal, so he knew, but it was embarrassing. These people groom children whether it be 5 or 15, and I know I can say it isn't our fault, but it still feels like since I was that much older, that I should have known better. He knew I was vulnerable and took advantage of that. He was the only one who told me I was smart, and I felt/feel dumb as a fence post. He would say, "this isn't cheating." I don't know if this happened to you or not, but this is an insidious form of abuse (as they all are) I am glad you are seeing your T and I know that you will make it through this. Keeping you in my thoughts.

sigh. And here we go. I am somewhat grateful that today is a work day. I'm more of border collie at work than a scientist, so that usually keeps me busy and somewhat distracted.

I did all I said I was going to do this weekend, and more or less the plan worked. I was quite anxious most of the time, but made it.

I hope today's therapy session is somewhat productive, but as I said, it's going to depend on both of us.

I don't know how he is going to react, and I can only try to react the way I want to - open, in touch with how I feel.

I can lapse into horribly horribly sarcastic Ellie, it's part of shutdown Ellie - and not a nice one at that.

I know that what has happened is not my therapist's fault, or his doing at all. It's an iatrogenic sequela of the testing, and the results. This is likely under-reported about the test, potentially not even reported at all.

Oh great, now I've lapse into intelligent Ellie.

Sigh.

But isn't it nice that now the sarcastic version of ourselves is like an old outfit we put on? When before we totally used to live in it and didn't even notice? Or at least I did.

oh my gosh, this is so me!!!!

Elliemay, your t would not have said it if it wasn't true.
Old T said this, so it is so!!!!

Yes!

Although, truth be told, I'm still pretty sarcastic but I am mostly aware and deliberate about it now.

But I like her. Don't diss her.

My advice is to stay open to the possibility that shut down mode does not need to be totally on or off, that moderation and calibration can be had.

Okay, I'm back. Thanks all.

I managed to stay in the room. A wave of empathy came over me for him regarding his choice to administer this test. There is no way he would've done it, at least not this soon, if he had any idea what would happen. Sarcastic Ellie just evaporated.

I was honest, and he gave me plenty of room to talk. He listened to me and reinforced a lot of things.

By the end of the session I could look at him again.

He told me he shredded the results of my test and they are gone. He didn't put them in a file. I really really hate the "file of all things pathological about ellie". There is no way he could have known that though.

I was so grateful I cried.

It ain't over, but it's on the way. Give the body and the soul what it needs to heal and it will do it - all on its own.

It takes a lot of courage sometimes to step up and say "my soul needs this".

Now my soul needs to rest.

Oh, I am fluent in sarcastic - in multiple languages.

It's not one of my best features, although certainly one of the most enjoyable at times.

I hope you get rest. And I am glad he shredded it.

I'm also glad he shredded it--and that speaks volumes about how much he understands you, and cares about you.

FYI Sarcasm is an art form, many attempt and few master.... just sayin

Oh yeah, I'm never sarcastic.

You know, I just have to say, this whole thing sucked.

But as most sucky things turn out, I've learned a lot from it.

What exactly that is, I'm still figuring out.

Maybe it's that I can take a terrible blow, and land on my feet.

Maybe it's that I can do that sooner, and quicker than before.

Maybe I actually have less to fear from myself than I thought.

I don't know.

Something rather positive is cooking in there.

Hmmm.....

Maybe it's that sooner and quicker mean ~the same thing.

If so, then that's a very valuable lesson indeed.

Worth it!

I printed out some pieces of this thread to take to my T. I was so panicky doing it that my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest (H asked me what was going on because my heart was pounding so hard he said he could see it moving my chest with each beat) and my hands were shaking. I handed the print out to him as soon as I sat down, and then said I needed to talk about the marriage counseling session from last week. He looked at it briefly and asked it I wanted to start with this, or the MC since I was really, really distressed about the MC session. I said MC of course. At the end of the session, T asked if he would keep the print out to read it more closely before we discussed it. I said okay, but still feel kind of queasy and wish I had gotten it back. And I get to sit with this until next week.

But I want to thank those of you who have been so brave in posting in this thread. I detest this whole subject and have a really hard time bringing it up on purpose. T has brought it up a couple of times, but lets me decide whether or not to continue the conversation. This thread was a boot in the rear to stop being such a coward and try to address this.

It'll be okay, but boy do I know the anxiety and stress! Still living it a little bit.

Oh... and you're no coward unless I am too, and I'm not. I ran from all this crap for decades. It's a wonder I didn't bolt from the office this past Monday.

But I sat with it, worked it, doubted myself and everything the whole way, and STILL I'm okay.

You will be too.

Walking through this may lead to a whole new way of living. I don't really know, but, wow! I'm going to at least try for it.

I feel like shame is stuck to me. Like glue. So I can't just get it off by myself as I'm stuck inside it.

Anyone else feel as if you're going to get the icky shameful contamination on other people? I feel this way in particular toward my therapist when he wants to talk about these things.

I don't feel that way in general, but particularly not with a therapist. I kind of think of them like being coated in teflon. Nothing sticks to them.