Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

maybe trigger*****talk of sui and si



Dear T, all i kept thinking last night is that i must repulse you soo soo much. you seemed so far away. i am so sad and depression and feeling suicidal but it just seemed like you were so far away and didn't want me to be close at all.
thanks for understanding i need a break. hopefully i can work this out in my head, things are real ugly right now. the voice won't shut up. and they sound so clear. and i can't stop crying. i have been holding of si'ing for a long time now, months. but last night i lost the battle another reason to take a break.

I suppose I'll just never talk about it. Either I'll figure it out or I won't.

Hey T, kind of wishing I could get in to see you. Nothing earth-shattering; just thinking touching base would feel grounding.

I think I've read that you don't like hugs, jbmomg, so I'll refrain. But I'm sorry you're struggling.

T you asked me yesterday what you could do to help me trust a little again.....the only think that comes to my mind that could fix this is changing the history ....and unfortunately nobody can ever do that. I´m screwed for ever......or am I not?

hi t. i may have been wrong. i may be texting you to ask for an appointment sooner than may 1.

Hi T, I really really want to email you and tell you all the things I've worked out in my head the past few days but I don't want to annoy you or cross boundaries so I won't. But I really need to talk to you about whether or not I can email. I mean you email me, so maybe it's ok. But I'm trying not to seem needy ...

Even though you deny it, sometimes I still think you don't like me.

In marital counseling sessions, you go to such great lengths to "be partial" that you lose credibility with me.

If one side is clearly wrong, just say so for crying out loud.

I am unable to cry in front of you.

Here's more:

I don't entirely trust you.

You don't consistently use the techniques to us that you are teaching us to use.

I have no idea why you say the things you do sometimes.

Sometimes I feel you don't get me.

Dear T,

I miss you. I feel sick. I hate this acid refulx that will never go away. I'm sad and lonely. I desperately need you to hold me tonight but we know that won't be happening. I hope someone is holding you. I hope your life is going well. I have not accepted that it's over between us. I wonder if you realize it is. It's still not real to me yet. I can always hold the dream as long as you are not there telling me to face reality. You know my reality is bad, so why would you try to take away my dream? I can't live without my dream. I have to snuggle under the covers to pretend I'm being held. I need comfort.

My dog and best friend of 13 years died today, now I have no one to talk to when I get upset. An hour every two weeks isn't going to be enough to get through all that is spinning in my mind. I almost with you would throw me back into inpatient. I don't belong in the real world. I'm going to lie about everything on Tuesday because you wouldnt believe me if I told you. I've lost so much over my lifetime and I just dont see anyone understanding what has happened. Here comes the fake smile.

Dear T,

SAWE: (telling you about an aspect of my life that almost no one knows)
T: I don't think you've ever told me about this before.
SAWE: Well, no, that's true. .... you see, we have had other things to talk about.

Somehow this exchange struck fear into my heart, T. After 16 months I am just now telling you about these things; how does that make you feel?

T,
I don't know how to begin our session this week, there is so much going on right now. I need to be alone yet I need people I need to feel connected, like I matter to someone.
I have been having those awful thoughts again where I want to end all of this hurt and ain and go to sleep forever, I am tired t.
Tired of life
How do I mend a broken heart, you tell me to date again but I feel more alone when I am with someone, I feel like I am betraying my ex. I just want to tell her I love her again but this would hurt me all over again. I wish I could just be happy for a day t.

Dear T

I am your creepy stalker. I get in moods, especially when you have to miss sessions/vacation, where I find whatever trace of you online that I can. Yesterday I found your photography collection. I saved one in high res as my desktop background- the same one you have framed in your office. FYI. Your photos, even when 'protected' from being downloaded, are very much easily downloadable if you have the smallest amount of computer know-how.

Dear T

I felt like I made you very nervous and uncomfortable with a couple of things that I told you today. I don't know if that is true or if it was just a projection of my feelings onto you. I'm so nervous about seeing you next week. I have a feeling that it is all I'm going to be able to think about. I need to know that what I told you was ok and that you can handle it. I'm nervous because I don't know what you will do/how you will respond to what I told you nor do I know how I want you to respond. I'm feeling very scared and am missing the safety and security that I used to feel while with you in your office. I shouldn't have told you what I did. I'm scared. Please make it ok.

Dear T,

I hope you are having a nice time off... I dont know what you are doing or where you are but I guess that's irrelevant as this entire relationship, or whatever it is, is completely one-sided. But I still hope it's going well for you....

As for me? It's kinda painful, T. I think you overestimated my ability to cope or I've hidden myself so well you really are fooled like everyone else. I hope not, but either way it still seems I'm still alone.

You said my fear appears to be more about abandonment and I'm sure you are right on some level. But now I feel more like a specimen that you observe rather than someone you care about, even a little bit. I hope Im wrong T, but I guess I won't find out until next week...

We are definitely having one of those days when you are going above and beyond the call of duty. It's been awhile. Thanks for being here for me.

It's so easy to think about leaving you when I'm not actually with you. Then, I go in and see you and all my grand plans fall apart. What the hell.

I'm glad we can talk about everything under the sun. Thanks to you I've rid myself of so much baggage, childhood trauma, that I carried into adulthood.

Sorry I'm back on the Internet, and I know we will work together so I can spend my time doing real life. I do like real life. It was part of the temper tantrum from last week.

Dear T,

I just wanted to thank you for our session today, even if it was shorter than normal. I feel like I made more progress today than I have yet, and I'm going to be sad when you have to leave. You're the only T I've felt this comfortable just talking with, and even though you probably feel that I don't shut up and don't listen to you, you give me a time to organize my thoughts so I can concur another week. Today how I feel became clear to me, after weeks of wandering in fog. Thank you for showing me I'm not crazy, letting me be ****ed up, and trusting me to know my limits.

You're awesome.

dear T,

i called for an earlier appointment with you because i can't stand these thoughts of killing myself and i can't stop cutting either. i know i made a good impression on you the previous time we met. i'm sorry to have let you down. i will see you tomorrow, T, and i hope you'll be okay with me being back to where i was. i'm sorry to get your hopes up high, T. i really am. maybe i am being just a burden to you, i don't know. i'm so sorry for the trouble T.

and i really really wish you would heed my advice and not hospitalise me. even if you see that im a danger to myself.

im so sorry T.

Dear t,

I have a plan now. Of course I can't risk telling you this.

I'm just so sorry you had go be involved in this. I don't want you to be hurt.

Well, you ruined my childhood memories and the image I held dear of my FOO, particularly my mother. You've driven off my husband and two of my best friends. I've got no job and no money and no prospects thanks to you. I've lost weight and stopped caring what others may think.

Thank you. Thank you. You rock! Thank you.

Hi T,

So so so soooo many things I need to talk about that I don't even know where to start, You think once a week is enough? Lady, I tell you, I need to be in T at least 3 times a week because my brain is exploding from all the crap that's going on in there right now. But I won't email you or ask for extra sessions because I am too proud to tell you I need you and I need help. What the hell. I want to learn how to get over this and tell you I NEED YOU. I will try to talk about this with you when next I see you. It might not come out right and I might end up bungling what I am trying to say and making no sense, then taking the path of least resistance and talking about something that doesn't mean so much ... even though I know that talking about the things that mean EVERYTHING is what I need to do.

I'm getting there. Slowly.

In confusion,

southpole

PS. You are awesome. I kinda told you that once. I want to tell you again. Til next time.

we are running in circles and ******* it, I am suffering. I know you know this but if you ask me one more time what I need for help I am going to scream. If I knew what would help I would ask...I don't. I don't have a ****ing clue.