Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Dear T,

So I am pretty sure we both know I have attachment issues /: ...only I'm dancing around this during sessions and have chosen not to make it a subject of conversation. I reject talking and feel more isolated or I share my feelings and feel terribly needy. I miss you immensely all week and then the day of our appointment gets close and anxiety takes over! I am soooooo annoying. I hope if I ever share this with you that you aren't creeped out by me and send me packing. Well it wouldn't be the first time...I just so want it to be different with you.

Dear T,

Why can't you see im trying real hard to reach out in time..you not replying, when this is the last week we can send you mails, makes us feel like we don't matter at all...like you don't care, like silence after all is the only ''solution''.

Dear T, the appt was weird. you said so much last time after i said you felt far away and this week nothing. i think sometimes i am supposed to get the upr from you but not too often. i am sorry i talked about that other thing, i won't anymore. i promise.

and it hurts my feelings when i leave without an appt. you go and get the book, but you have no openings for "me". i feel like when you do that you are trying to tell me to go away forever. part of me thinks its not true, (damn facts) but the other part of me doesn't have an appt. so what am i supposed to think? i think this is kinda mean, like you are trying to teach me a life lesson and i am too stupid to figure it out. but you said you don't do that so i really don't understand what is happening.

really feeling like i need to disappear.
november isn't far away now.

Dear T,

I would love to post something here...... but even though you said you don't read this forum, how do I really know that? and I would never ask you this, so I guess I won't post it.

darn because I really wanted to share this., in this exact place.

SAWE

JBM yr T had no appointments available for you at all? what did she say about that?!

Dear T

I am lost. I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I want to call you, but I don't. I really need to see you. Monday is too far away and I don't think just talking on the phone would be enough. I'm having some bad urges. I hate life right now. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I wish you could make me feel better. Having strong urges to stop my meds again, and we both know what will happen if I do. I wish I could have that feeling of safety now like I feel while I'm sitting in your office with you.

Dear T,

Too bad you don't believe I have real feelings for you. Your message has finally gotten through. I am so sad that I don't mean anything to you. I am numb after tonight. I'll always wish you the best. I think you threw away a good thing when you let me walk out the door.

This is for you:

hey t i forgot to tell you the other day - the weekend i'm visiting my FOO keep your cell phone handy.

Nah, just kiddin'. We both know I'll be fine!!

that he would call me if he got a cancellation. it just hurt that he would go and get the book to make an appt, then i leave without one. i don't understand it and it hurts.

thanks for asking.

Dear T,

You did a good job of both empathizing and reframing for me yesterday...I'm sorry I make you work so hard. I told you I was afraid you are going to get mad at me because I am so resistant at times - just so difficult. You told me you don't experience it that way. But I still worry you will want to trade me in for a more compliant, "easier" client at some point....I am starting to really let go and trust you. It's scary and good all at at the same time.

Thank you for being so gentle with your voice and seeming to have some sort of idea about what I went/am going through. And for looking like you may care. And not minimizing my pain. I don't think ANYONE has ever done that for me before and I've tried. I've tried a lot. So thanks

Dear T,

That letter you wrote to my ex-T was kick ***! We'll see if you end up sending it after I do some editing. But the fact that you are so angry at him being a douchebag makes me happy because I feel justified in my anger...and it shows you really care.
So, thank you!

T,
I am feeling so low and so confused and so insane and I can't tell you why, because I have no idea. I am alone with all of these serious emotions. I am terrified of what is to come. I am paralyzed and have been for a bit. I can't articulate what is going on inside of me, so you will never know. I cannot continue to try futilely to carry all of this on my own, I won't. I won't do this any longer, I have tried and tried and tried to push through and I am now giving up. I feel helplessly hopeless, and angrily enraged. I don't think anyone can help me, I am unfixable. I am ready to stop trying, I have suffered enough.

((Antimatter))

I hate it when you disappear.

Dear T,

I know that you are retiring soon, so I am going to leave first before you tell me...

Dear T
I'm terrified of seeing you on Tuesday. You'll want to talk about the text I sent. I'm desparately trying to think up things to discuss to make you forget about it.

Dear T,

It's kinda awkward to be back in hospital cause we couldn't deal with saying goodbye to you, and seeing that's exactly the place you went to...can't wait to see you again monday..not sure how to fit this in the grieving process...

Dear T,

I hate you because I love you.

dear t, im meeting you in 3 days. here's hoping that i dont get the judgmental vibe from you like almost every time i see you in our appts.

Dear T, still not feeling comfortable without an appt scheduled. i feel like you are trying to tell me something and i am just too stupid to figure out what it is yet?

i feel like if i am good and behave, i get an appt, but if i am bad (brought up a new topic/issue/problem) that you give me hints to go away. and don't get a new appt.

i.dont.like.this.one.damn.bit.

but also feeling hurt...



mostly hurt.

Dear T,
This is really serious. I hope we can come up with something that makes me feel less powerless, because I have been feeling this at work. I am powerless, there is nothing I can do. Can you help me on this one? I need you now, I need to work on this so I can live day to day. I know leaving me is easy, in fact, it is bliss; but it isn't the same for me. I NEED HELP! I hope you hear me. I need to feel as if I have some kind of power so that I won't just be feeling horrific when you leave, with you not being here to help me.

THIS IS SERIOUS. I NEED YOUR HELP.! I need you TO HEAR ME.

Anti
I really hope your t hears you x

Dear T,

I was hoping I could get through this week without feeling this way - like I miss you. I'm incredibly embarrassed by this part of me...you know, I'm really not a needy person. When I'm in your office, it feels like you see right through me and it almost literally makes me squirm. I'm afraid of closeness and yet, there I am in therapy trying to be open with you about deeply personal issues. It's very confusing. And then the neediness comes. I hate being lonely so I try to let you in, but then I feel too needy. Isn't there an in between? Balance would be welcome, T...I know you said changing would be work. I get that. I am a very studious person so should be no problem there, right?....Um, but how does that happen exactly? If you just gave me the play-by-play, I would follow the rules to a tee...but I get the feeling it doesn't work that way. Soooooooo frustrated. And I miss you

T, I need to tell you something. It's not that I don't know how to tell you. I don't even know what that something is.

T:

Everything that you said tonight was spot-on. I'm glad that you challenge me and aren't just "nice." Still, even though you are right does not make it easy. I'm trying my best for now...ok?

~Content