Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

Anne,
Don't forget to take a picture and post it, if you feel comfortable doing so

Help me sort out all these conflicting feelings for you, they are really bringing me down big time.

Dear New T,

I think I just realized that you really don't know me, since we have only met like 6 times. I think I get what kind of T you are, which relaxes me and I feel supported, but I don't know if you know who I am at all, which I worry about. Esp the idea of mirroring...because I know I tend to do it. And if I do it, will you get that but also know it's reflecting a part of myself and see it as such...and not reject that part of me. I don't want to say anything wrong. I am SO tired of being terrified of boundaries and having them drilled into my head by my ex-T when I have always, ALWAYS been the "perfect student" in therapy. I want to be able to express myself and be me and if I mess up (I mean, say something stupid) have it be okay. I have to talk to you Tuesday. I know it will go okay...but I am having so many feelings about this that it's confusing to me and usually I have no issue clearly expressing myself...so this sucks.

I did it because I wanted you to hate me, but I don't know why...

Dear T,
I would like for you to like me. How pathetic is that?
Mast-Apt

Dear T,

I hope you will turn out to be trustworthy. I'm feeling sooooo much guilt over my reaction to you last week and worrying myself sick that "you're mad at me." /: I feel pathetic that I think/feel that way. I guess I'm terrified of anger - my own and others. I didn't mean to be so difficult and hope you understand. I'm sorry....it's only Monday and I'm already starting to get extra anxious...I'm prob going to be a wreck by the time I see you later this week. I wonder if you will be irritated with me and tell me so....I'd almost rather you just say it because I cannot imagine you really could put up with me too much longer without feeling that way. I feel like it is inevitable, T.....

It's 0% pathetic. Zero. Nada!

I'm going to quote my own T here: you need to matter more to yourself. I bet your T doesn't agree with what you say in your post.

What if I became dependent on you? Why if I became week, loose control and start to feel things more? And then you leave in September and I will still need you and like you by that time too much and it will all make me feel just so much worse and alone? And you wonder why I don´t take my wall down, why I don´t trust you and let myself feel stuff? .....there is why!

And I really don´t like when you compliment me....just stop it! And I´m going to tell you this next time you do it because it is getting on my nerves. I don´t need you to be all nice and "loving" so don´t do it.

New T,

Oh. Or maybe I won't have that discussion I thought I was going to have with you. Why is there NO TIME?? It's just gone and then I am like wait, but there was this thing...although your joke about going over time today was hysterical.
I think I better bring a few notes next time because the sessions flow so easily that what I think about in between that I mean to discuss gets lost in the shuffle.

dear t i wish there was a button i could push that would slow down time so my sessions wouldn't feel like they are over before they start. yeesh. it's going to be that way tomorrow for sure because i have a ton of stuff i want to talk about. more time t i need more time!!! gah!!!

Dear T,

Do you know what loyalty is? Think about it.

Dear T,

I'm really angry with you. I'm probably bringing the sullen teenager part of me to T next week. I'd like to see how you deal with that.

T,
We're good now!

T,
I had a talk with my supportive friend today, and he was very insistent that I tell you about this thing. So I guess I'll have to tell you tomorrow. I don't even know how to start.

Yay me.

I am very nervous about our next session...you told me exactly where we are going and what we will be talking about.....I want to run but I will try and push through. Please be supportive.

I'm really, really sorry that I got confused and missed our session this morning. I am way too much trouble. And I am having a really hard time right now but I have no idea why, what good telling you would do, or what you could say that would help. Last night I called a suicide hotline ten times and hung up, and I am having trouble making sense of anything and holding myself together. I am pretty sure that I am too ****ed up to ever fix myself and I am too tired.

So I called you this morning. I knew I'd have to leave a message. I want to schedule the sand tray playroom for my Friday session. Why are you taking so long to call back?

It's been 3 hours. If the office staff do not give you my message again, I will flip out on them.

Oh yeah, you would call 1 minute after I posted this message. Do you read PC? You must.

hey t i hope you're ready for me today i'll likely be a bit of a handful! but i know you like a challenge right?! so much happening inside of me!

Makes a person wonder don't it? LOL

I amuse myself with my over-interpretation of the situation. He constantly monitors my activity on PC. The minute I post something, he stops whatever he is doing (because he is actually online during sessions with other clients, but not with me) to check on my content, and then respond appropriately as needed.

He also prints out and studies my posts so he can figure out just the right thing to say or focus on prior to my sessions. Sifting through my week's worth of posts must be time-consuming, but I'm sure it's worth it to him, all in the service of helping me!

You'd think he'd be more on top of it with this process, but I find I STILL have to explain things to him sometimes, or I have to correct his mistaken beliefs.

Dear T,

You are my hero!

heehee I love your sense of humor Anne2.0! I amuse myself as well in a similar fashion, not that my t reads PC but that she 'hears' me thinking about what i'm going to say in my next session. Ha.

Dear T,

I've gotten to the point where there is SO much going on inside and outside of me that I have no idea where to begin....I have a bad feeling about our appt. tomorrow as I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a very hard time talking.... 50 minutes a week just isn't enough time with you, T

I am so full of violent self-hatred right now. It is palpable. I am just BPD, nothing more. I wish I knew what the hell is going on, but I don't. I don't know who to turn to, or who I can trust. My deep-seated hatred is all consuming. I wish I was dead and didn't have to feel.

I did try with xT, although I am sure that isn't the way he sees it. I keep getting triggered about termination. I feel like I am to blame for being just me. Oh, well. Time to move on.

I can't see myself in a good light at all. I see myself as all evil, and that I am toxic to everyone. I am really in pain. Alone.

I am so toxic.