Couch 56...Getting Back to our roots

Yea...now that I got the fight up and running, it's time to go to the fair...

honestly peeps...so sorry.

off I go.

ETA: I DID forewarn that I was in a foul mood.

I thought we were having fun. Seriously.

In that case, I think the expression is, "I MAY disapprove of what you say..." - but I must admit, I like your version better!

'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,' was his attitude now.
S. G. Tallentyre, referring to Voltaire. Often attributed to Voltaire.

Email to my therapist 20 days ago: My mother just said my father was nothing but trash. I feel like an uncomfortable kid again.
I know (with tears in my eyes), and over eating. I feel I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't be touched. YUK!

I was having a flashback. The limbic system has no sense of time. I was that kid again. I had no touch or very little touch most of my life.
For more than 45 years I believed I could not let people touch me or be near me -I was ugly, I smelled bad; I stunk to high heaven, so I just need to stay away from people.

I shared this with my therapist early on. She doesn't believe in labels, nevertheless, the name I found for it is Olfactory Reference Syndrome. It's gone, I'm cured. I do believe it's because of touch. my therapist used when I was having my YUK moments which were plentiful this last 18 months in therapy. And, I sweat buckets no matter what season.

As a kid the above mom-dad conversations were fueled by their youth, four kids (three in 36 months), being foreigners, no family in the USA, racism, alcohol (dad), PTSD (two infantry tours Vietnam), mental illness (I believe for mom), etc.

Mom took her misery out on me. I had to be perfect. And I was, except perfect kept changing as mom's moods changed - it could change in minutes or seconds that I was ICK in her eyes. I was told I was YUCK in less kinder ways. I created a smell to justify this yuck. I became Icky to myself.

Back to touch. I've gone through hell - believe me learning to be touched was hell - to get myself in a different place as others have, and/or continue to do so in order to not be freaked out by touch. The first time I saw your writing about the ICK factor of touch I had a flashback. Today, it just makes me sad to know that others on the forum, and those that look up to you on the forum may feel they have to keep that conversation quiet, feel bad about the need or want to bee touched by their therapist because, you speak of it in terms of Yuck, Yuck, and Icky!

And yes, I know this therapy is not right for all therapists or clients.

PS: If there is a significant other my therapist works with the both of them on touch. I didn't have anyone, now, I'm working on changing that only because my therapist was willing to fill in - to touch me, GTGT.

I always learn a lot from discussions here. I don't see it as a fight. Of course I have a fairly high tolerance for conflict though. My problem is more that I have trouble shutting up when I don't like something.

I am still in migraine hell today, so I'm kinda glad that I canceled my T session....yet disappointed at the same time. It'll be 5 weeks since my last session with him - longest break ever.

I'm meeting an ex-group member today for lunch, even though I am suffering. Luckily, it's not as bad as it was yesterday. I can handle some conversation and good food - not therapy.

Gotta pick up groceries, do some laundry, make some dips for tomorrow, clean/vacuum, etc. for family visiting tomorrow.

Why does everyone leave at lunchtime... its the only time I can be on the couch ....

Its like whenever I show up on the playground... the sandbox is empty

After reading the morning posts... I had a sudden urge to yell "Separate"... OMG that is what my dad used to yell whenever we (6 kids in a 1000 sq ft home) would laugh or yell or made any noice...

Lolz - I'm flashing back to grade school - I think we "decided" the original was too judgmental and rewrote it! We had the best class, really. The "top" kids ended up being totally unable to deal with the real world and the "dumb" kids ended up the millionaire business successes.

Like that japanese sand raking thing - no one around so the sand can be made smooth and calm. Or the zamboni on the ice. I always wanted to be the zamboni driver. Taking the rough ice and making it smooth. Winter grass cutting sort of thing. Chaos - no chaos. Immediate gratification.

Or maybe I am channelling hankster now.

the japanese sand raking thing... its in a scene from the kids movie Cars 2 - and it just makes me think of Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh...just gets the garden perfect and there comes Tigger...

guess what I'm saying is hard to enjoy the smooth sand and perfect ice when you know its going to get ruined... but for that one moment in time its perfection...its how I feel after all the laundry is done on Sunday night and there are no clothes in any hamper...

then the kids put on pajamas...and it all starts again...

ETA: I could never be your T SD because the only references I can make is to children's literature... or movies...

Wouldn't it be the zen be in the moment thing?

I love children's movies and books (except the velveteen rabbit who I despised)(and the scary sad children's movies - they stress me out.) (but I love the happy ones)
And if that is the only hurdle you can see to being my therapist, I would say you are way in the running to get me signed up. I have two who might cheerfully hand me over to you without a backwards glance.

Well if you are willing to overlook the no training no education thing, then I'm game.

I think the major question is, are you wily??

Eta: this afternoon is my last t appt for a week, but I'm already enjoying his vacation!! What luxury! Honestly he's worse than work. At least with work - what? I knew when I got it right? There was more positive reinforcement.

LOL...I don't think I'm wily enough for SD... I would bore her

but I have been told that I am blunt.

I really need to water the plant I am staring at. Staring at. Staring at.

I have been thinking more about this. You do have the right to say "This is what I want from my marriage. Are you able to work with me on this?" You're allowed to pursue the things that make you happy.

STOP why do you not like the velvitine rabit just wondering .as an adult it is one of my fav books .

i guess for me it is all in how you express a thought '

one day it may be .man i am so frustrated,as much as i try i just can not get what you are trying to tell me or say..

another time it may be, god is everyone just stupid

same thing differnt way of expressing

for me, meh ,it depends on the day
today it might just be F *&# it

guess nothing but echoes for me around here what a surprise ..
off and running again .i will not think i will not care i will not be human .i will become one with the soilent green. its people food after all

This is me....

echo...echo...ECHO...

yep just echos for me too Granite.

Don't be sorry. I specifically said it was not you who was name calling. You have criticized me quite roundly, but you have not called names.

On the occasions I am talking about, today in particular, I did not criticize how another person did anything. I simply pointed out why another poster might have reacted in the manner she or he did. You still reacted negatively to my response. In the past, I have tried to be clear that I am responding to tell the poster how *I* felt when treated in the manner in which they are treating others. I have been careful to not call names or tell anyone they are a bad person. In the past six months or so, I have been more careful about not telling anyone what I think they SHOULD be doing. In the case of abuse, I have been clear in laying out potential consequences of actions or failures to act. Still not the same thing as telling someone what they must do.

Also, is it only criticism of how a person does therapy that is off limits to you? Perhaps that is the distinction that I have been missing.

This is one of those things that we will always disagree on. An action or inaction that directly results in harm to an innocent animal or person is an absolute wrong for me. I feel silence in the face of actions or inactions that seem certain to harm an innocent is an absolute wrong. What is that quote? All that is necessary for evil to prevail is for good people to say nothing.

Again, I am often trying to help or get the other person to see how their actions are possibly impacting others by offering my experience. I do not see that as criticism necessarily. Sometimes it is, and in those cases, I do not expect it to be welcomed with open arms, but I also do not expect the attacks from the periphery about being harsh or whatever when I have clearly stated that this is MY experience with those same actions.

That would be my point here, I suppose. I do feel attacked fairly often when I try to respond to people, even in just sharing my experiences or offering a statement about why another person may have responded in the manner they did. I have severely curtailed how much I post outside of the couch.

I never post simply to beat up on someone. Ever.

MKAC,

I don't usually read too many posts off the couch. But this below was very helpful for me to know when I'm reading your responses...

"In the past, I have tried to be clear that I am responding to tell the poster how *I* felt when treated in the manner in which they are treating others. "

I'm not saying you didn't make it clear because I'm conflict avoidant so I may not be able to process any posts that seem like it may result in conflict... But this makes it easier to understand because its outside of a conflict situation....

Hearing other peoples reactions to different experiences has helped me to see the "other side of the coke can" because what may be upsetting to you may not impact me at all and vice versa... and it doesn't make either person's experience "right" just different.

ETA: and I'm not just saying that to avoid conflict

After reading this I realize that a long time ago we were talking on the couch I think about playing with kids and what is perfectly fun and acceptable to one family... sent chills down the spines of some of us only because of our experience...

For instance, I was tickle tortured as a child so let me tell you if you tried to tickle one of my kids you might not see the fist coming at you in time... It is not allowable or acceptable for anyone to tickle my kids...

But I know that is my reaction to something that I had done to me and is not a universal thing for other people... so I wouldn't feel it necessary if someone was talking about mildly tickling their child and how the kid was smiling and enjoying it for me to tell them what a horrible experience I had as a child because its not everyone's situation.

Now if someone was talking about tickling a child till they couldn't breath or vomitted or something then I might want to chime in that it isn't a good idea to do that.

But I also wouldn't expect that someone should have to change their behavior because of my experience ....

anyway I'm babbling now...