Irritated at my T. Advice or Thoughts?

I really need help! I'm considering canceling my apt tomorrow & I don't want to but I don't know what else to do.
I have an extremely difficult time articulating my most personal thoughts & emotions in session. Yes, I have significant trust issues. Go figure. A few months ago, my T asked me how I would feel about sharing some of my private writings with her. My initial reaction was NO WAY, but I realized that its my therapy and I'm wasting my time if I can't open up to her about some of my deeper issues. I struggled for weeks trying to come to terms with sharing what I write and even tried re-reading portions to myself in session with the hopes of then verbalizing those thoughts, but I still couldn't do it. I realized I'd have to give in if I wanted my therapy to progress. I set up an email with the purpose of giving her access to writing entries I sent for her. This was about a month ago. She has logged into the account, but hasn't opened the emails. I see her twice a week (Mon & Fri; yes, I am that messed up), and I set everything thing up after a Mon apt and texted her the account info. On Fri, she said she hadn't been able to read anything yet but would do so over the weekend. She didn't. She never even mentioned it on Monday. I've waited 3 more sessions and still nothing. Monday, I was so upset she had t read them, I was filled with attitude and was quite a "smart-***" in session. She spent the hour trying to get me to tell her why I was so upset, which only made me more angry. Eventually, I stormed out and upon exiting, I told her I was irritated at her.
Now, not only am I upset because she didn't read my entries (she still hasn't), but I'm also upset for my behavior during session & storming out the way I did. I didn't want her to know I even cared that she didn't read them, let alone that I was angry about it. Also, what was the point of getting me to give in if she doesn't care about them anyway? How am I ever going to be able to open up to her now? How can I go back in there & forget Mondays outburst?
Please help!!!! I should probably just cancel!!!!

Hi ShrinkPatient, and welcome to PC!
Here are my thoughts, which are mine - I'm no professional or anything. But I can relate a bit to some of what you say. Almost a year ago now, I left messages for my T which he never mentioned, and I left a couple of subsequent sessions in a bit of a rage about that. It was when I was finally able to tell him how disappointed I felt about the lack of any kind of response that my therapy really started to get productive. I would definitely recommend going there tomorrow and just tell her. Say "T, I am angry with you for not reading the email I left for you, and I was full of rage about that on Monday, and I was not able to talk about it. It's very important to me that you read what I have written, because it is so difficult for me to open up in session."
Or something like that. I don't think you should go in and try to forget about Monday, I think you should go in and work out what happened.

Maybe her reaction will be disappointing. I very much hope that it won't be, that you'll be able to improve your therapeutic relationship through this.

Oh, and I see my T twice a week as well.

Just Do it.
I've realised a lot of my issues left me ego-centric everything was huge!

That sounds very painful. I can see me responding similarly. It seems like it is a mixed message -] send me your writings, but I won't read them. I can't imagine even a very bad therapist (and I've had a bad therapist) would intentionally set something like that up, and you don't sound like you think she's a bad therapist. There's a part of you that wants to go back. But a part of you that is feeling very vulnerable and risked a great deal to work with her and you want some response to your risk and vulnerability. You sound like you are confused about what happened. Is that it?

Looking into the future, what do you see happening if you cancel? if you don't cancel?

Wow, that does sound upsetting that she didn't read what you sent. It seems, though, that you are reacting in a passive-aggressive way - instead of being direct with what you need, you're acting out without making it clear as to why you're upset/angry. I'd imagine that being assertive and honest with what's bothering you would go a long way.

My T is very explicit about wanting me to be direct with my needs, so he won't react, offer, etc. as it encourages me to be proactive in getting my needs met.

Syra,
Thanks for your response! No, I think she's a great therapist. I am completely confused. She has shown great dedication to my psychotherapy. Even calling to check-in with me anytime she's had to be away. She's switched her schedule around multiple times when I've neglected to get my apts in the book and she didn't want me to miss sessions. She was so adamant that I open up. I don't understand why she hasn't read them!!! And YES. I am extremely hurt. Those non-sensical, raw, emotional words are all that no one can take from me. They are ME rather they are pathological or not and I trust her more then I ever have anyone in my entire life & SHE asked to see them.
If I cancel...(I NEVER have before for a similar reason) I might have better control of my emotions and not behave like an out of control teenage girl, who had her feelings hurt by her...Sorry, I don't know the "T" equivalent. I might be able to figure out why she may have decided not to read them. Let's face it. Ts don't tell us everything. If I don't cancel... I don't know. It could be really bad. I may even end up crying in session. OMG!

You ask for thoughts. Just do it has been my experience. Finding I survived what felt huge taught me to wait and see the reasons why T didn't do what I thought she would do when I thought she would do.
Ego-centricity can be the root of problems. Like it or not. I'm pretty straight up honest in life in therapy. I just do it.

You are going to have to directly ask her about this and explain how it is upsetting you. Refusing to verbalize exactly what you are upset about with her just prolongs the problem. What you might do is look at your writings and bring one in that you particularly would like to discuss with her and do that together in session. That would be a place to start and would focus both of you on one writing at a time which might be more useful than having her read through a number of them which might be too much to process at once anyway.

I can tell T I am angry. That is easy. I don't want to be angry and more then anything, I don't want to be angry with her, of all people. I find anger unproductive & hurtful to others. What I CAN'T usually articulate in session are emotions. I just can't tell her I'm hurt.

Gosh... This whole thing is a mess.

In a lot of ways, i'm like you. I have major trust issues. I can't even show my emotions in therapy, even anger. But i really do think you should tell your therapist why you're angry. You can just start out by saying you're angry and she can help you with the rest.

I don't even usually re-read my entries because ... It's just too raw and emotional. Also, I have brought individual entries into session and find that I can't share something so intimate without physically removing myself from it. I know that sounds weird but I can't explain it any better way. The ones I sent were the 3 I had written since our last session.
I know I need to quit being a passive aggressive, whiney little brat. I'm just confused. I've never allowed ANYONY the opportunity to be so behind my "mask" before and it feels like pure rejection & another reason or excuse or whatever you want to call to call, to never do so again. This includes my T, which leaves me feeling abandoned. The fact that I'm so dependent on my psychotherapist makes me feel completely vulnerable. I avoided it. I'm sorry I'm so whiney!!!!

I don't think you are whiney at all. This might be a really good opportunity though to try to get out from behind that mask you mentioned and advocate for yourself directly by discussing this with your T. I suggested bringing one piece of writing in as a sort of jump off point to narrow down where to start with your writings. I've found over the years that the hardest part is taking that first step forward. After that, momentum slowly starts to take hold and each step after that becomes progressively, although sometimes very minutely, easier.

Hi,Shrinkpatient
I,too have some pretty big trust issues. It is really scary to just say what you really want to sometimes,especially in therapy. Maybe if you write down your thoughts...perhaps you could read it to her when you go to your next session or you could let her read it. But as hard as it is, we need to address stuff when we are upset. I'm in a bit of a pickle myself..and plan on writing my thoughts up so that when I meet with my T next week it will be a little easier. Hang in there!

I wonder if you could just start with observations, and not emotions (ie. "I've noticed that you asked me to share my writing, and yet you haven't read what I've written... Do you think the system we set up is working?"). Sometimes I find that less threatening, and your emotions may come out eventually, but starting with the facts might be easier. The only way to know what she's thinking or why she didn't read it is to have the discussion. If you try to figure it out on your own, you'll just be guessing. Messy is part of the process. You don't have to go away and sort yourself out first... that's what the therapy is about. I know it's super hard though when you're feeling vulnerable.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I am going to keep my appointment tomorrow. I will be taking your advice & trying to rationally stick to the facts because I agree the only way to know why she hasn't read them is to give her the opportunity to explain her reasons. I don't normally shy away from something just because it's difficult. Otherwise, I'd have quit therapy long ago. Lol. It's just been a really long time since I been so invested with someone that they even had the ability to disappoint me or hurt my feelings and I've never been upset of disappointed in my t before. I've never felt "let-down by her. Vulnerability is horrid!!!
Thank you so much for your post. Really!!! In all my emotional anxiety, I really never even thought about just Esperanto g the emotions from the facts. I CAN DO THAT!!
Update tomorrow!!!! .

To begin with, I understand your trust issues- I have them as well. I think your idea of having an email where she can read what you write is a good place to start, however I advise you to be careful because that can easily become a boundaries thing where more communication is being done outside of session than in person.

I am sorry that she didn't read them, however, many she is waiting for you to bring it up so you can talk about it. I think maybe she was assuming that you writing things down would just be a step in helping you get to the point where you can talk to her about it in person. Like writing it down can help you get the thoughts out, and now she is waiting for you to do something with those- either talking about it, or bringing the entries to session and reading them to her, or even just bringing them to session to have her read them. I think maybe she is waiting for some action on your side. Just a thought.

As for going to session, I would go in and just go about how you would normally begin a session. Then gradually bring up what happened. She is probably going to wait for you to initiate the conversation but no doubt she wants to talk about why you were upset. At that point, you can explain to her how you wanted her to read your entries and how you were disappointed and irritated with her for not doing so, and that will open up a civil conversation between you to. Ruptures are sometimes the most important things in therapy because you can really use those to grow and make your relationship even stronger than it was before.

Don't give up. I think that you are going to be able to find a way to mend the relationship with your t. Give it time

Update:

Went to my session. So, now I feel like a complete *****!!! Turns out. She had been trying to access the email account ( I set it up for her to read my writing entries) & could not get in. I could tell she felt badly because she's not all that tech savy. She apologized for hurting my feelings by not having yet been able to read them. She was very apologetic!!!
Of course, now I feel horrid for yet another reason. I have NEVER been so mean to my T before!!! She's been so very kind to me. Since that's been a very rare thing in my life, I should appreciate her all the more. I'm actually quite ashamed of myself, more so then usual. Lol

Thank you all so much for your replies. This was my first post & I was overwhelmed with your efforts!!!
Who says crazy people are nutz? Lol (;

Gotta love technology fails

When you're able to, just laugh it off a bit. The internet won that round unfortunately!

Don't be ashamed of yourself for feeling upset about it. Maybe look at it this way? By noticing that she hadn't read them, you observed how hurt you felt. This means that you WANT to be sharing this stuff with your T, and THAT in turn means that you're making progress in opening up about the deeper thoughts and feelings that you have

Thanks for updating us. sometimes it's really hard that people/Ts can be so good to us, when we are expecting more of the same.

If you don't want to STAY angry with T, your best bet is to tell her WHY you are angry now.

It's not easy to do, but it will improve your relationship.

If I had a dollar for every time someone on the boards has had a misunderstanding occur with a T or had a negative reaction to something a T said or did only to find out later that there was a reasonable explanation... I'd have a bunch of dollars sometimes as clients I think we all tend to think the worst and attempt to read into the why's and come up with an entire list of all the bad scenarios. We would be much better served to give our T's the benefit of the doubt and approach them with our concerns instead of attempting to read their minds and guess at the reasons behind their actions and words. Especially if we feel, we have a good T. Glad you got this episode figured out.