Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

T, yesterday was possibly the most peaceful moment in years. Thank you. A

Dear x-pdoc,

I sent you one last letter. I hope you read it more for you than for me. I don't expect a response. In fact, please don't respond that would just really screw me up in the head. It's really just 3 things in the letter: a thank you, an apology, and a goodbye. I'm moving on without you not ideal but still very necessary and exciting.

Goodbye.

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Dear T,

I think my transference with you SUCKS. I see it, at least in part, as expecting your negativity and shielding myself from it by just rejecting me first. That's incredibly dysfunctional but I see it pretty clearly this morning.

I was rejected by my mom. She made it almost painfully clear that she didn't like me. All the negative things about me magnified - I felt embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated and just wanted to erase myself away. Which is what I do with you - I try to reject myself first and hide during sessions. I fear your rejection. But my self-protective behaviors only serve to keep you back and inevitably, they lead to the end of the "relationship" since I never (or rarely) come out. Frustrating the entire point of therapy and therefore, destroying any opportunity I may have to get better

Another part is the intense fear of hurting other people. I don't want my badness to affect you. That idea of hurting you breaks my heart...and intellectually, I think this partly comes from my mom saying and showing me consistently how much of a burden I was on her life and how much I just didn't care about her or love her enough.

Ok. So how do I move past this?

Dear PDoc,

I tongue in cheek, last appointment, said I have to move 'home..' Clearly, i can't move home to my mom. And dad, no longer has MA residency, so no moving in with him. Home, to me, meant moving to home 'town', even if my ex insisted I cannot call this place my home, not born here. Ha! Neither was he, pffftttt. My kids were born here, however

Back to point. Since moving Home, I've slept the best I have in years!!!

-Me

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T, why can't I, now that I need to, reach out to you? I don't know why I am so hesitant when you made it abundantly clear that there is no situation that I can't reach out to you for? I need you, why don't I want to admit this to myself?? I wish right now you would send one of your attuned text messages so that I don't have to be the one to make the first step here. A

Hey T, I did an Active with that dream we talked about the other day, you know the "pink" one, and learned something amazing. The pink walls were not a trap. They are a maze!!! Suddenly so much of the dream makes sense! And in the middle of the maze is a tree, that I climbed up, that's how I saw it was a maze from up in the tree. And there is a sign up there on the tree that has percentages on it and words like ____ % Dreamwork, ____% questions, _____% Relationship, ______% other and some other stuff. I can't read the numbers. I think I'm supposed to fill them in maybe. The maze is my therapy journey, no? I love dream work so much. Thanks for teaching me to do it. Can't wait til May 6 so we can talk about this. Yay!

Dear T, I'm falling into the trap of needing to protect you. That's not a place I can be right now, and I don't know how to get out. It's messing me up, and it's hindering things. It always does no matter who it is with...

Why do people's genuine care and fondness of me scare me so much?

Why am I so useless - at everything.
Why do I mess everything up?
Why won't you communicate out of session?
50 minutes a week really isn't enough and I am beginning to think I would rather go without.
I'm in a really bad place and you have absolutely no idea.

I don't think I'm going to give you that letter after all. It sounds too stupid to me now.

Dear T,

why is time going so slowly??? I see you in 90 mins and every minute feels like an hour! Its already been 16 days since I saw you. I have missed you.

HT.

So, I'm seeing you on Friday after a 3 week break......and I'm worried. I just feel so sad, sad because at our last appointment I left feeling soo disappointed in you. And since then I have had to figure it all out myself, which I did and that's ok because I know I need to be able to rely on myself.

I'm just sad that I'm back to thinking I have to do it all by myself.........a bit of a chasm has opened between you and I T, How am I going to bring this up in4 days time......ugh!

CBT T-- I think your cigar tie is pretty funny

Sometimes a tie is just a tie, eh?

Dear T

why did you have to tell me that? It made me feel guilty and uncomfortable. I know you didn't mean it in a critical way, but it still hurt a lot.

Dear new t as of 9/9,

You already scare me. The idea of sitting in a room with you for two and a half hours the first day I meet you is not a comfortable idea.

Dear T,

Why do you let me direct everything? I don't know if I can do it - it's been so long now. Aren't you getting concerned about my lack of initiative? You mentioned how something I said showed some progress but I can't remember what it was exactly. I still struggle to hold onto what is said in our sessions and although this has improved some, it saddens me that I can't remember as much as I should. And it saddens me that I can't hold onto our connection (if it even exists?) and it's like starting over almost from day one. Like Groundhog Day - well except each session is different. But T! I desperately need some continuity! I feel like our sessions are a microcosm of how I am in real life. I forget things and people and my feelings dramatically change to the point that I'm almost a different person from one day or week to the next. And I worry about feeling like I could stop therapy and it would almost be like it never happened...like a dream. How can you know me when I can't know me?

I'm really struggling and need help.

All I want to do is hurt myself until I don't feel anything anymore.

And I tried to reach out to you earlier like you said you wanted me to and I don't know what I did wrong.

And I'm afraid to send this because I'm scared you're fed up with me and this will make you even more so.

Dear ex-pdoc,

I don't understand why I was only to see you twice. When I talked to you on the phone and you told me your diagnosis you asked if I had questions. I was at work and couldn't really talk, but I do have questions. I wish I could see you once or twice a year. My therapist doesn't have the answers for my questions. I don't trust my GP.

Why did you let me leave feeling so bad?
You seemed so cold and cruel.
I want to die.

I'm glad to know you're not the only one on earth with your crazy ideas about how healthy relationships actually function

Dear T,

I keep wanting to "write to you" on here. Wth?! I miss you terribly all of a sudden and it is so hard for me to allow that feeling when I'm all up in my head intellectualizing how you're just a T..... /: But there is no mistaking it - I'm missing you. I either feel completely detached from you or I'm highly needy. A middle ground would be welcome....But sometimes I secretly just want to need you and for that to truly be ok with you To be honest, I don't even know why I "need" you or what I need - it's just a yearning for you to be there. How do I talk to you about this when I go into self-loathing mode just admitting it to myself? I know as soon as it came out of my mouth I would just be overcome with anger I NEED to work through this with you.

I have no reason not to trust you, T.

You really are in this for the long-haul, aren't you?

T, thank you for advocating for me today, I didn't know I needed you to do that until it actually happened. Thank you so much.

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Dear T: I know that some of the stuff we talk about is not exactly traditional therapy. And I appreciate that so much. It's because of the non-traditional stuff that I feel so close to you, you know. Until recently I had no one else to talk to about that stuff, besides you, and you figured out how to incorporate it so beautifully into my therapy! You are a gem, indeed, lady!

Freewilled - you have written so eloquently exactly what I am feeling right now. This is so painful. I am so sorry you are going through this. You seem to have a much better handle on it than me - I couldn't begin to put this into words but you have summed it up so well. Thank you. Good luck.

Dear T,

I think you are right.