[krisakira]

And I totally disagree. And if disagreeing with her makes her want to call me names like that, then so be it. Because that is rude. And I am told I need to stand up for myself. So I am.

All I did was tell her that I need people to tell me I'm right when I am right so I get validation and not question myself too much. Because I have extremely low self esteem and take everything really personally and critically. I am NOT self-righteous. I don't believe I'm always right. I believe I'm always WRONG. I try to stand up for myself more than I used to and it seems like nothing good ever comes from it, so why even bother anymore? I'm just going to be seen as a trouble maker.

How come I'm the one who's seen as the one who isn't handling the situation right? Why not say they were wrong to treat me that way? How come it's always my fault? Because I reacted to them? What do you expect? I am reacting to people treating me mean and unfair, and yet no one cares about what they do to me to upset me. They just care about my reaction. Why aren't they in trouble?

Too many times I have been reactive to something someone did to me, and yet no one cared about what was done to me. All they saw was me behaving "inappropriately."

For instance, my sister used to make me mad all the time and taunt me, to get me in trouble. She would push my buttons to get a reaction and I would get mad and yell at her or flick her or hit her (not really hard, we were really little). Yet every time, I got in trouble, and she NEVER got in trouble for how she taunted me or upset me. I would get punished for my reaction, and she got away with everything.

My friends took my food one time (a dessert, maybe they thought I shouldn't have it? It's a long story, and I don't even understand to this day.) It was the dessert food I used to eat with my best friend who wasn't going to the college anymore, and I missed her. It was the only time I ever made that dessert without her, up to that point. So it was really meaningful to me. Yet when my "friends" took it away from me, I thought they were joking, and I went "HEY! give that back!" and when they wouldn't I got really angry, knowing it wasn't a joke anymore. I gave a negative look to a friend. She then preceded to tell me that I was making THEM uncomfortable! What about how they made ME feel!?

When I was at the same college, someone started a rumor that I was a lesbian. Which I wouldn't have cared about, if it weren't for the college's policy to remain heterosexual. (It was christian). I was threatened to be kicked out of the college for this rumor. When in fact it was not true. And I was told to not hang out with my best friend anymore. See, I was punished, and yet they didn't care to punish the person who was SPREADING RUMORS! I did nothing wrong in that situation.

Yet if I bring all this up to my T, then she will be like "see there she goes, wanting to be right about everything" bla bla bla. What do I do!

[unaluna]

Why isnt your t on your side? Or, why dont you feel like shes on your side on these matters? I think she should be. But i also know i yelled at my current t for the first three years because i didnt feel like he was on my side. It takes a while to form a good therapeutic alliance. Its also scary to do when you are used to working against a person, not with them. Im not judging - im trying to figure out where you are.

[Favorite Jeans]

Did she say "self-righteous indignation" or just "righteous indignation?" Because definitely "righteous indignation" is the more common expression by far.

Just checking because sometimes I have a way of distorting what I hear in therapy. Once my t said she was angry FOR me but I heard that she was angry AT me and I was very distraught and within seconds had a whole story in my head about how much she thought I sucked... I was very relieved when we clarified that. So maybe ask your t to clarify.

And if it turns out that she does think you're being self-righteous you can tell her that you feel that's a huge mischaracterization.

[krisakira]

She said SELF righteous indignation.

That term comes up a lot in group so I know it is SELF

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by krisakira

She said SELF righteous indignation.

That term comes up a lot in group so I know it is SELF

Huh. I really don't hear any self-righteousness in your story. I tend to think of self-righteousness as characterized by smugness, a sense of superiority-- specifically the feeling that one is somehow morally better than others. Not legitimate anger over having been hurt or mistreated.

[blur]

I agree that your T isn't doing a great job being on your side here and you do need to be heard. It's really important to learn to stand up for yourself but if you've been pushed around a lot in life you may have a lot of resentment you are carrying. I am working on that one myself. There are healthy & unhealthy ways of communicating your displeasure to others. If you just blast people then yes your message will be lost in the delivery. Also 80% of communication is nonverbal so delivery counts a lot. One of the most helpful things I've discovered is learning how to speak using I-statements rather than You-statements. It really helps with communicating your feelings and getting away from blaming which doesn't get anywhere. Check out this page on I-statements.
I-Statements

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I think self righteous indignation is more a behavior, not a personal trait. So to me it isn't name-calling. It sounds more like an observation.

What I think you're missing in the specific stories that you told was the part where you acknowledge your own negative behavior-- whether it was the "look" you gave your friends or that you behaved in an unkind way to your sister. I think not being self righteous in those situations is to say, "I shouldn't have done ___. I realize my buttons were pushed, but I always have to choice to respond in a better way. Next time, I will acknowledge that my buttons are being pushed, but I will chose not to react negatively."

T's are fond of saying, you can't control other people but you can control your reactions. You seem to be justifying your reactions based on what other people did first. You're indignant that people can treat you this way-- and you're right, you shouldn't be treated this way. But I think you're T is trying to get you to focus on what you can change, which is how you react. That's the self righteous part.

[CantExplain]

Some therapists over-challenge. That damages the relationship and does not help the patient grow.

[krisakira]

I gave a negative look to my friend, and I actually left the cafeteria after she told me I was making everyone uncomfortable. I understand my reactions can be unhealthy, but to make it ALL about my reaction and not other people's behavior is what is bothering me. It's very invalidating. My husband, on the other hand, understands my reactions and why I get upset at things. He questions what's wrong, and why I feel the way I do. He validates me. My parents never asked WHY I lashed out at my sister. Of course I was young so how are you supposed to not react when you are young, and have never been taught to do anything differently... But I am just tired of people saying I have to change ME and that others don't have to change. Sounds really one-sided and unfair to me. Of course I am tired of it, because I was the scape goat of the family. If anything happened, it was all my fault. I am tired of it being this way, and want others to be held accountable for what they have done to me.

[growlycat]

I once fired a T for being nothing but a "devil's advocate". He never seemed to believe me--ever--. He felt like a parole officer, not a T.

His @_ss was so fired.

T shouldn't always agree with you, and they should challenge you but if they are consistently not on your side/name calling etc. CYA

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

You are not in therapy to change others' behavior. Therapy is about changing yourself.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by krisakira

I gave a negative look to my friend, and I actually left the cafeteria after she told me I was making everyone uncomfortable. I understand my reactions can be unhealthy, but to make it ALL about my reaction and not other people's behavior is what is bothering me. It's very invalidating. My husband, on the other hand, understands my reactions and why I get upset at things. He questions what's wrong, and why I feel the way I do. He validates me. My parents never asked WHY I lashed out at my sister. Of course I was young so how are you supposed to not react when you are young, and have never been taught to do anything differently... But I am just tired of people saying I have to change ME and that others don't have to change. Sounds really one-sided and unfair to me. Of course I am tired of it, because I was the scape goat of the family. If anything happened, it was all my fault. I am tired of it being this way, and want others to be held accountable for what they have done to me.

I hear you. It's not fair. At all. And they likely never will be held accountable, and there's nothing you can do about it most of the time.

It may sound very very trite (if not outright infuriating) but that's life.

People are insensitive jerks most of the time, but they have their own hurts and blunder through life too. It's okay.

Your therapy might be about getting to the place where it's okay that people are who they are.

It hurts and is utterly exhausting to live your life filled with indignation and anger. I know, I've been there. The key is to find a place of acceptance, and not resignation. Acceptance.

On the other hand, we get to howl at the moon so to speak. This is a great place to do just that.

[Lauliza]

I understand what your T was getting at, but the choice of words were not the best way to present it. Mine said to me once, when I was having issues with my husband, "look we can talk all the time about all the things your H does, but that's not going to help you. We have to look at how you want to address this and how you want to change it. Because you know he's not going to change."
I think this gets a similar point across without without using the term "self righteous indignation", which sounds judgemental and would put most people on the defensive. You could address it with your T this way, that it was the choice of words that you didn't appreciate, not that she was not hearing you.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by krisakira

I gave a negative look to my friend, and I actually left the cafeteria after she told me I was making everyone uncomfortable. I understand my reactions can be unhealthy, but to make it ALL about my reaction and not other people's behavior is what is bothering me. It's very invalidating. My husband, on the other hand, understands my reactions and why I get upset at things. He questions what's wrong, and why I feel the way I do. He validates me. My parents never asked WHY I lashed out at my sister. Of course I was young so how are you supposed to not react when you are young, and have never been taught to do anything differently... But I am just tired of people saying I have to change ME and that others don't have to change. Sounds really one-sided and unfair to me. Of course I am tired of it, because I was the scape goat of the family. If anything happened, it was all my fault. I am tired of it being this way, and want others to be held accountable for what they have done to me.

But therapy is about changing yourself, not others. You cannot change other people. The only thing you can do is change how you react to other people...hopefully in a way that improves your life. Often when we change how we respond to others, their behavior may change accordingly.

[Favorite Jeans]

How long have you been in therapy and how long have you been with that particular group T?

I ask because for me it's been helpful to have a space where I just get validated and believed. If you've had little of that in your life to date it can be very healing for a T to say "oh, that sounds like a terrible experience!" or something like that. It feels good to be given permission to feel hurt or angry or whatever especially if you were not really allowed those feelings before.

That said, as Lauliza and others have pointed out so aptly, we don't go to therapy to change others--no matter how much those others are wrong and should change. For me though a very confrontational style of therapy is really not helpful at all. Being told that I had self righteous indignation would make me feel like T was just one more person who didn't support me and wasn't on my side.

I think a skilled T can help you get to the part where you change your own reactions to or perceptions of other by saying stuff like "what if your family never changes?" or "how do you wish you had handled that?" It's slower and more subtle but in my opinion feeling understood and accepted by T is a necessary foundation for challenging and changing your way of doing things.

[nicoleflynn]

A therapist is not supposed to be judgemental. "your opinion of me, does not define my reality."

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by krisakira

But I am just tired of people saying I have to change ME and that others don't have to change. Sounds really one-sided and unfair to me. Of course I am tired of it, because I was the scape goat of the family. If anything happened, it was all my fault. I am tired of it being this way, and want others to be held accountable for what they have done to me.

What's been done is done. How would you propose for EVERYONE around you, to change?

Some skills on your reactions, trading those reactions in for boundaries, a different way of first processing the scenario, then asserting, without an overreaction that includes, continuously bringing your childhood wounds into play, each and every time you feel slighted in the here and now.

First step to change, is acceptance that change needs to,be made. Not being a victim of circumstance.


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Freewilled]

I understand what you're saying, krisakira. I find that some people are uncomfortable with those who truly have been victimized over and over again and just want them to assert themselves and move past it already. Its unfortunate that the way they try to push the person to move past it is often subtly retraumatizating, IMO.

My T has not said those same words but I've had similar experiences with him. I know he's trying to help me change because he cares about me. But do you know your T cares about you? Without being able to believe that, it definitely can feel like the T is just another bully to add to that long list.

Sure we can only change ourselves. But when we go to T, do we go in saying "look some **** happened to me but it's not what I'm here for. I don't need to talk about it. I need to change myself. That's it."? If we did say that, I guarantee most Ts would hone in on the **** that happened in the past, at least partially. That's a big part of what we do when we go to T! I sense you feel a lot of anger related to your life experiences. Maybe it's justified? I think a T needs to help you FEEL what you feel and then help you transition toward helping yourself. But you HAVE to be ready to move toward that part and the T has to be careful here, IMO.

I think a lot of Ts just suck with anger. I don't know your T or anything - I just think other people's anger is one of those emotions that a lot of Ts can struggle with....While someone who goes into T and expresses fear, deep sadness, admiration for T and their assistance etc. has a greater chance of being supported. Sucks

[Freewilled]

I found this website that I think has some good insights into this topic. It has some religious connotations though. I can definitely see myself getting stuck in blaming myself or others and I think it's part of the process. For me, I'm starting to think having self-compassion throughout the entire recovery process is foundational. Without self-compassion, I will fall back into self-blame.

Emotional Honesty and Emotional Responsibility-codependency therapist

"Sometimes in our growth we find ourselves lashing out and being abusive. When that happens we can make amends for how we expressed ourselves - we never have to apologize for having the feelings. We cannot go from repressing our feelings and being emotionally dishonest to communicating perfectly in one step. Communicating in an appropriate way is something we learn gradually - and something we will never do perfectly every time."

"With all types of abuse, we need to own and honor our right to feel and release the grief and anger about our victimization so that we can move into a place of empowerment."

"As we become aware of how we have set ourselves up to be emotionally abused it is important not to judge and blame ourselves for behavior and attitudes that we were unconsciously empowering. If we beat ourselves up for being emotionally abused, then we are emotionally abusing ourselves."

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

...

Sure we can only change ourselves. But when we go to T, do we go in saying "look some **** happened to me but it's not what I'm here for. I don't need to talk about it. I need to change myself. That's it."? If we did say that, I guarantee most Ts would hone in on the **** that happened in the past, at least partially. That's a big part of what we do when we go to T! I sense you feel a lot of anger related to your life experiences. Maybe it's justified? I think a T needs to help you FEEL what you feel and then help you transition toward helping yourself. But you HAVE to be ready to move toward that part and the T has to be careful here, IMO...

This. For me, it was like there was a step in between here. I wanted to know what happened to me as a result of being treated this way, like what didnt i get or what didnt i learn. Thats where reparenting in a good way fits in - getting the good stuff. Getting tucked in, not just being told to go to bed.