What does vulnerability mean to you?

So when I hear the word vulnerability what I think about is being emotionally open, or sharing one's emotions. But my therapist says that I have vulnerability problems. She says that I give off the impression that I'm not likely to be vulnerable with another person, so this causes people not to be interested in relationships with me. But I really don't have a big problem sharing my emotions, I find them easy to talk about, and I don't think that I typically share them "inappropriately" (i.e. with people I barely know, or in group situations).

However when I do share my emotions I'm always careful to take care of them all by myself. In therapy for instance I tend to do a lot of the analysis on my own (probably particularly because I've been to lots of therapy, and have a very analytic mind). So I kind of end up putting a bow on everything that I've just shared before my T can even touch it. Same goes for when I share things with friends. I often share things if I've had a similar experience because I want the other person to know that they are not alone. But I don't ever want them to feel like they have to take care of me because I think that if they do that then I will be taking away from their experience.

I also feel suspicious that other people don't really want vulnerability or emotional honesty. Sometimes when I'm open with friends, or, in the past, my parents, I find that people just say nothing about what I have just told them, or change the subject as if they never heard what I said in the first place. When this happens I feel completely abandoned, and feel like it is all my fault for making the other person uncomfortable. And I usually feel really embarrassed.

So what exactly do you think vulnerability is, and do you think people really want to have vulnerability in relationships?

I feel the same, but I have a problem with it due to my past. Im learning in therapy how to be vulnerable. In past relationships, my vulnerability has been taken advantage of leaving me raw.

Now im very careful and scared, anyway irl usually people tend not to get tangled up in your feelings and emotions, imo. When they ask you how you're doing they are just hoping you will just say fine, and move along.

I struggle with being vulnerable - my T has said as much /: I tend to have some weird battle going on within me a lot where I'm conflicted about how much to say and what and when...it's exhausting.

IRL, I think that it should be that there are people in ones life that are close enough to be vulnerable with. I've never really had this too much, but I hold out hope that it could be true. Otherwise, I'm not sure why I should bother with the relational stuff with my T. I mean, I want it to help me grow and heal so I can be at least a little vulnerable with safe others.

I think this is why they have the saying, to find your prince charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs. I told t this week, i dont think ive ever had a real friend. I wasnt available myself, and there was too much transference going on with people i met. The family always said, oh there is always going to be things you dont like about a person, you just have to give in and get along. Never any idea that you could actually find somebody who liked the same things you did. Or that that was important. Anyway - thats the person you want to be vulnerable with. It will help you connect. Its wasted on other people.

Thanks everybody. Do you guys think that there is some kind of vulnerability signal that other people send out that makes you think the other person might be vulnerable if you got close. My T seemed to be suggesting that I don't do that. But I don't have the faintest idea what my T is talking about. When I met my SO I didn't like him because I thought he would be vulnerable with me, it was something that just happened. I just liked him cause he was smart, and seemed a lot like me. Does anyone get some kind of impression from other people about their likelyness to be vulnerable. I've seriously spent all week think that my T is full of it.

I believe vulnerability means feeling the emotions~ not just talking about them. I think it is what happens when someone accepts their needs. It is needing something from someone other than ourselves.

I'm not there yet but I think it's a necessary process for therapy. At least~ I think it is but if my therapist started to nag me about it~ I'd get frustrated. Until I learn it, I need to rationalize it.

I think the ultimate thing that's required in order to feel vulnerable is that you allow yourself to love/care about the other person, so that they are in a position where they could reject and hurt you. The most vulnerable times for me are when I truly care about someone, but show them my true self as opposed to being too afraid to open up, or trying to look better etc. Like when you are open and raw and exposed to someone whose opinion you genuinely care about. In my mind you should be careful about letting yourself become vulnerable, I like to vet people out before giving them secrets that could harm me because there are bad people out there! Almost all of us on here I'm sure have been burned badly in the past, so it is no shock we would struggle to allow ourselves to become vulnerable. My take on therapy was that if you can do this with your T, it kind of mimics a parent child relationship feeling kind of and can be very therapeutic assuming your T makes sure things stay safe and is competent.

My T just shared with me a Ted talk by Brene Brown about vulnerability: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
I like her definition of it.

I agree that vulnerability happens when you really allow yourself to love and care about someone. But if that's the case can vulnerability ever really happen in therapy? I felt like I really began to love and care about my last T (in fact I had terrible erotic transference), and this made me want to vulnerable with her. But the whole thing kind of blew up in my face. I got obsessed with her, and she freaked out and yelled at me (so I terminated the therapy). Now I'm worried that if I start to care about this T I will just go through the whole thing again. Can I only be vulnerable with my new T if I really care about her? I'm afraid to care about her at all.

I know of this talk. In fact I was quite obsessed with this woman a few months ago. She's really good.

Thanks for that link Jdog. I watched it a while back, but really needed to see it now.

Depletion, like you I think I put out this vibe that says....stay back. I don't quite know why or what or how to change it, yet. But I do think there are answers in the above link.

I think the times that do allow myself to be vulnerable, and this is only when the risks don't seem to great to me, then things go incredibly well. But when something is far more important, when the relationship is closer and more likely that I may be judged and hurt, then I find it far more difficult. The risks feel too great. I don't know if that makes sense.

But the thought of really being seen, sometimes, often, is far too scary. But I agree with what was said in the link.....its important and that way lies an authentic and content life. Hope I may get there....and you too.

Do you ever feel like you just want the other person to chase you around and pull all the internal turmoil. Do you ever want them to break down the walls and demand that you show them who you really are. I guess I just really want to know that they want my vulnerability. I think the hardest thing for me is that I don't ever really believe that the other person wants me to be vulnerable, so I just try to clean up all my messes by myself.

Right now, I am just done with being vulnerable. I think that my vulnerability bank is in the red, I have been too hurt whenever I was vulnerable with someone close........I just struggle so hard with it now.

Lol to someone chasing me and proving they deserve it. That thought has never entered my mind!

I do want to be my authentic self as often as I am able, and I am beginning to try....it just comes with pain, and fear, and emotion, so very much emotion. We'll both get there one day. Won't we?

I think it's seeing all of you. But personally, I would feel extremely violated if someone saw m vulnerable without my permission. Then again, an ex-coworker/friend of mine stalked me in the past, so I think our past can effect our vulnerability. I wanted to be vulnerable in front of my Dr, but he wasn't a T so we never got to know each other well enough to be able to feel that.

Its my bigest fantasy. Its a little sexy time, but not exculsively. I would welcome friends who made those kinds of demands too

Vulnerability to me means crawling out of my turtle shell with someone ... trusting someone enough to take away the protection and allow myself to be seen even though it means I might be hurt as a result.

That's why vulnerability sucks so much and I don't do it. Lol

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Vulnerability is, to me, our "soft spots," the places where we are beautifully fragile and human. True we may feel pain at times in our vulnerability, but this is also a space where there is the potential for deep love and joy. I think our vulnerability ties us together as human beings. In relationships, allowing this helps us to make deep and enduring intimate connections with another person. It means we have to trust and let go of our fears and that can feel risky. I do think it's wise to reveal this only to those we do trust, but taking that risk with (who we feel is) the right person can lead to much joy. My personal thoughts.

Brene Brown is amazing. I've got one of her books, and I've watched both of her TED talks. Oprah Winfrey has also done two 1hr interviews of her - I think the Super Soul Sunday thingy she's got. All good stuff!

Yes to all of this. I need to stop wanting it, because it's something I will never get. But I so, so want it.

As for "vulnerability", to me the word simply means "likely to get hurt" - that is the core meaning after all, and I know it has additional or slightly different (perfectly valid) meanings to other people but I stick to the core meaning.

[QUOTE=JaneC;3728722]Right now, I am just done with being vulnerable. I think that my vulnerability bank is in the red, I have been too hurt whenever I was vulnerable with someone close........I just struggle so hard with it now.

Lol to someone chasing me and proving they deserve it. That thought has never entered my mind!QUOTE]

Yeah.. it's definitely about knowing who to trust with our vulnerable self. And even what parts of ourselves are safe with which person. Once a person has earned our trust, then never forget that they can also 'unearn' it.

I'll never forget my therapist, early in therapy, acknowledging that my trust had been grossly betrayed repeatedly throughout my life. And rather than her telling me I needed to trust her and let my guard down in order for her to help me, she discouraged me from trusting her. She would say "I don't want you to trust me until I've proven I'm worthy of your trust." She told me that in time, I probably would. And along the way, she would tell me when things took place that she thought was my way of 'testing' her. Over time, I did end up in a place where I felt totally trusting of her. But she still tells me that I should never put all my keys in someone else's pocket. She said I should keep them with me, and give a key to someone that has earned my trust, but then take it back when I leave that moment. and if the next time I meet with that person they still deserve my trust, then I can let them 'borrow' my key again for that new moment. Does that make sense?

'someone chasing me and proving they deserve it.'

Former T did just this. Or tried to at any rate. It was awful. Hurtful, terrifying, confusing, betraying...
Vulnerability is about allowing someone to care for you, not being forced to have someone care for you. It's incredibly difficult for me - I've never, and I mean never, had someone care for me unconditionally. There's always been a price.

Crescent Moon, your T sounds awesome...

[QUOTE=Crescent Moon;3729219]How very sweet I love this!

Vulnerability to me means to real with your emotions and feelings, to allow your true feelings to emerge and to risk trusting someone else!

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