It's over

Well, it happened. The thing that I have been dreading for over a year. I had my last session with my T since I'm graduating. I left feeling okay and even happy... we had a handshake at the end, and she grasped my hand with both of hers. I looked into her eyes and we had a very meaningful moment, especially since I so rarely look at her.

But now that I'm alone and processing everything, I feel so devastated and I'm literally sobbing as I write this. It wasn't a great session. She kept telling me that there would be other people that care about me and other teachers in my life. But I wanted her to understand how hard it is to lose her. I feel so restless and panicky. I don't want to do anything, but I also can't do nothing. I can barely write this. I think I'm just afraid that she doesn't care about me. I KNOW that's not true because she has said many times that she really does. Last session she said I was special. She has told me before that she will miss me, that she loves me, and that she will remember me for the long-term. That just because we end doesn't mean she will stop caring.

So why am I afraid of this? Maybe it's because she wasn't as upset as I was that this was ending. That she thought good was coming my way and she's not worried about me, but hopeful for me. And last week I asked if she would write me a letter because sometimes I find it hard to remember that she cares, and I thought the letter would help me remember. She said that she would, but then today she said that she had been trying to write the letter and couldn't. Not because she couldn't think of what to say, but she was afraid that it would make us less meaningful. She said I would look back on it someday and think "I had to ask for this." She said in the past, she has had parental figures write her a note and in the moment it felt like gold. But later on, she didn't feel as good about it, though she acknowledged that I wouldn't necessarily feel that way too. Can someone help me make sense of this? I feel as though she didn't want to document that she cares about me, and I don't know why. But it's really distressing me. I really needed that note to feel okay right now. When I'm in the midst of tears, I wanted to look at the note and have it be like she was talking to me, telling me it was all okay and she still loves me. Now I have nothing to hold onto. Why would it have less meaning if she wrote it down? Do you think she was trying to have me not need that reinforcement, but to just trust it within myself?

I know that a final session can be hard (I will unfortunately be having one with my current Therapist in just under 3 weeks), but I'm glad that you seemed to make the most of it.

nevermind

So sorry your feeling so sad. I know how horrible it can be as I terminated on 15 Jan this year, I just couldn't bear it, all these questions kept coming up in my head, questions that I could no longer ask my lovely T as it was all over, done after two years, just like that!
In my case, I wrote to my T and asked him to stagger the ending & that I was finding it SO much harder then I expected. It was the best thing I ever did as it really helped me process the ending & enabled me to cope. I was still sad but after a while the pain eased.
Is it possible you could ask your T for a couple of more sessions spaced further apart ? Not sure if it would help but you seem to have some questions still - sorry I can't be of much help but it looks like your T really cared about you.

One thing that is going through my mind and will probably be going through my mind again when I have my final session in a few weeks is this- "Don't Cry Because It's Over Smile Because It Happened".

Thanks so much Bentay, I remember when you terminated with your T. How are you doing now? Unfortunately, I can't ask my T for more sessions. I'm graduating on Saturday, and she said that she won't see me anymore after that because I'll no longer be a student. I'm slightly considering calling her tomorrow though... but I'm not sure if she would consider that out of line or if she would say she doesn't do therapy over the phone. I am never sure about that kind of thing with her, and I really don't want to make it worse. I wish I had asked if I could call if I felt I needed to. But maybe I shouldn't bother. Maybe I need to deal with this on my own. I do think she really cared about me, so maybe I need to get myself to feel that without her reassurance. We did have our ending. She's coming to my graduation though, so I might get to see her. I hope I will. Then I will probably never see her again.

Thanks RTerroni, that is exactly what I need to do. I am so grateful for everything that I got out of it, and I need to remember that and not freak out.

I like that a LOT and I wrote it down so I can refer to it in the future!

Thank you, it did go okay. I hope it will go as well as it can go for you. Sorry to hear that you have to go through this too.

If you change your mind

Purple, I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort for you. I do wish you comfort and that you will start feeling happy again soon. I hope your graduation is a happy day for you!

I would love to take credit for it, but it's actually a Dr. Seuss quote

Thanks artemis, this is so tough. I don't know how I'll get through it, except that I have to. I appreciate the well wishes.

I know you have been really nervous about today. I am sorry you are going through this. I wonder if what she meant about the letter is that right now you may think it is a great thing. However, down the road some you make wonder if she really meant what she said or only wrote the stuff she did to make you happy. What kind of person would write negative things in the letter? So she had to write good stuff so you might think later that she wrote the good stuff but didn't necessarily mean it...know what I mean.

I definitely see what you mean. There is the potential for that to happen, and that is probably what she was thinking. Thank you for showing me this side of things. To play devil's advocate because I am a huge over-analyzer, a part of me worries that she didn't want to write something down on paper because it felt disingenuous on paper. As if it didn't feel true. So maybe the things she said out loud (in session with me) are not true concretely (what she feels privately). I'm probably just freaking out for nothing though.

You did great and you can feel very, very good about that. I think her hesitation about writing has nothing to do with any doubt about her caring. I think it's more that it's a daunting task to somehow encapsulate the depth and breadth of feelings shared in a one-off letter. I think it's bound to feel flat, especially if you tend to obsess over each word over time. It's taken me a long time to be able to take what my T writes at face value and allow his words to reflect him, not me. If I couldn't do that, each letter would make me crazy. I think she simply doesn't want to create a potential burden for you. I can almost guarantee you that what you will remember of your last session in the future is her calm and hopeful demeanor, her faith in you; had she expressed upset at your leaving, not only would it have been unprofessional and unhelpful for you, but it would have left you with doubts and unsettled feelings.

I would call her tomorrow and ask her to respect *your* wishes rather than deciding what is best for you based on her own experience.

You are the expert on you, and I wholeheartedly support your desire for a letter as a momento of your time together and a way to hold on to that caring in a tangible sense.

I'm not like your therapist: when I left my first counselor after a few months of seeing her in high school because she was changing jobs, I had a photo and small gift from her and they're invaluable. I wouldn't trade them for the world and I feel NO shame for having asked for things I've wanted: isn't it critical in life to ask for what we desire? I don't think there's anything about asking that really has to diminish the gift. Asking is *not* forcing people into giving us unwanted gifts: it is about letting people who care about us know what would help us.

If she's unsure what to say, no doubt a short piece would still be helpful, just to the effect that it was a pleasure to get to know you in therapy and she cares about you and trusts that you will do wonderfully in life....

doesn't have to be a novel, and doesn't have to try to be the 'be all and end all' of letters.... not perfect, just human.

Best to you: I know how hard that is.

You made me feel so much better, and I will have to refer back to this post occasionally to think positively about this. Thank you for supporting me throughout the end-- I really appreciate it. I am happy about finally making eye contact, even if it was only for that moment when I was shaking her hand. I held my gaze for awhile, and I was thinking, "Wow, so this is who she is. This is who knows me." I'm just afraid that I didn't do a good job other than that though. Because shouldn't I have been more positive? I cried in the beginning and she said she wanted me to frame the end positively or I wouldn't get meaning out of it. But I can't help but be upset. I feel like I let her down because of that though; of course what she did made a positive impact, and aren't I being ungrateful for being sad instead of glad that it happened? What if she feels disappointed? After the handshake I said, "I will miss you" because I needed her to know that, but she didn't say anything and I sensed it was the wrong thing to say.

I think what you're saying about the letter makes sense. I would over-analyze every word, and I would probably find something to question or be disappointed about. That letter was a lot of pressure because it was supposed to demonstrate how much she cares, so she would have had to say everything just right. It had the potential to be problematic.

She was calm and hopeful for me, and this actually did help me bear the loss even as I left. It wasn't until later that I became very very upset. I was expecting her to be sad too and to share in the pain, so I think that's why it bothered me. But she had to model how to think of it for me. She has faith that I will be okay and that I'm moving on to great things, so she's not sad; she's happy for me. Thank you feralkittymom.

Thanks for passionately sticking up for me. I see what you're saying, and a part of me does ask "would it really be that difficult?" It was very important to me because I was going to use it to "survive" right now, and she did say that she would do it. But I didn't tell all the details, so it's a little more complicated.

When I asked for the letter, I felt awkward about asking and prefaced it with "I feel like I'm asking for a lot lately..." She stopped me and said that I should not feel bad about asking for things, and that I didn't have to qualify what I wanted. It was completely okay with her that I asked. I just wonder if she decided not to do it because of her personal boundaries, or if she was truly considering what was best for me. I'm always bumping up against her boundaries and not understanding where they are or why they are the way they are. But I think I need to trust her decision. Also, she did give me something tangible, which is nice: she gave me a journal. So at least I have that to hold onto. It smells like her.

Thank you, it is hard. It seems like she's making a big deal out of something that's not, but at the same time I do trust her. She really doesn't want to minimize anything that we've done, and I guess she's being careful just in case the letter would do that.

I think being able to look into her eyes when you were also so physically close to her and shaking her hand is amazing! I'm sure she took that in as a gift. I'm not sure what she meant by not getting meaning out of the ending unless it were positive; I would understand her wanting you to appreciate the positives as a way of honoring the work, and to blunt some of the pain of ending. But I doubt she wanted you to sacrifice honesty in order to put on a happy face. I think being honest in your expression, whatever it is, is showing gratitude: that you respect her and the relationship and the work enough to be who you are authentically.

Goodness, I spent at least half of my last session in tears as we talked about our fears of his mortality during his surgery! I was still teary when I walked out, and barely made it to my car before breaking down. I don't think her silence in response to your saying you'll miss her means it was wrong to say it. I think her silence was acceptance. My T didn't say anything as we walked to the door. But he paused opening the door, and gently patted my back; I said good-bye, and he told me to take care of myself. And then he watched me walk to my car from his window (he told me that many years later.) I think she accepted and held your feeling, and that's validation. Her shown faith that you will be fine was her final gift to you.

Missing her, feeling that bittersweet sadness is OK. Over time, you'll feel her calm, hopeful, faith in you as more real and present. It's something you can summon up whenever you feel the need, and it will come back to you without the sadness.

Thank you so much for helping me sort this out! Yes, it was an amazing moment... I felt like I had gotten past a barrier and finally let myself see and be seen. After we had shook hands, I just sort of paused at the door and continued looking at her. Because it was just so nice and so different for us. I will have the chance to see her tomorrow at my graduation, and I will hopefully be able to say hi. I look forward to looking at her one more time. I hope I will be able to memorize what she looks like because how she looked surprised me a little and I'm having trouble picturing exactly what her face looks like again.

You're probably right that I misinterpreted what she meant by needing to look at the positives. I think she wanted me to have a balanced view on the ending. She did say in previous sessions that it was sort of like I am grieving a death, and that she wasn't trying to talk me out of feeling that way. She also said that I probably needed to go through the loss in order to fully internalize what she has said to me. She said that's the way it works. I hope she wasn't frustrated by my "I'll miss you," but she probably wasn't. And her lack of sadness was probably just showing that she believes in me. If she was worried about me, I would be worried about myself too. Hopefully I'll have a better sense of how she took everything when I see her and see how she reacts to me at graduation.

I do remember that your T had gone through surgery right before your termination. That must have been so scary. That's really sweet that your T watched you get into your car. It definitely makes me feel better that I wasn't the only one not fully taking in the positives of the termination experience. Termination seems so tragic to me, and of course I'm not the only one. It's okay for me to be sad and depressed about this because it's a very significant loss. Thank you, I will have to believe that I can do this; I can take what I learned from my T and not let it go to waste. I will get there in time.

I'm doing fine thank you for asking. I think about my T everyday tho but fondly & without the pain. Btw congrats for graduating, it's nice that you'll see your T again.
When I terminated, I was worried about contacting my T again for more sessions as it wasn't the usual thing to be doing. I mean I'd had my final session and that was that, but I felt a bit at sea, like I needed more time. I was also worried he would say no & how would I feel then ??? I would kick myself for being an idiot & for ruining the ending! Anyhoo what I'm trying to say is that, do you really think your T would think it a boundry crossing or out of line for calling ? I suppose it would depend on what you wanted to say. I'd consider it if I felt I could deal with any negative reaction but if you feel that would be too much then i wouldn't risk it.

I'm glad to hear that you think about your T fondly! I'm sure that will be the same for me when I get through the hard initial stage. Thank you I didn't end up seeing my T at graduation, except for a one-second glimpse. We were both looking for each other, but it was so crowded. I asked someone from health services if they knew where she was, and they said she had left. What a bummer, it would have been so great to see her once more. I'll be disappointed for awhile, haha.

I didn't end up calling my T because she does have strict rules, so I thought it was a 50/50 on whether she would take the call. And if she did, she may not have wanted to. I couldn't handle that, so I didn't bother. But I'm glad that you were able to get the courage to call your T again and have a better ending. That must have been hard to decide!