Seeing the same therapist as your significant other?

Has anyone ever had this situation? I met my therapist doing couples work, and then my husband stopped coming and I continued on my own. Now, a year and a half later, my husband has decided to seek individual counseling and is going back to the same therapist. At first I didn't think it would bother me, but it feels a little weird now. My T knows more about me than my husband. I have spent a lot of time confiding in my T and I'm worried our relationship is going to change because of this. I tried to explain this talk with my husband and it didn't go so well, and he called my T "his therapist," which pissed me off even more. Then he tried to spin it like I was threatened by him having someone to talk to at all. He said the main thing he got out of his session was that he needs to "stand up to me" more. Would this upset anyone else? I felt like I was being accused of being a bully, and I wondered if this was really something my therapist told him. So instead of thinking about the kind of stuff I normally do, I've wondered if my therapist thinks I'm some kind of ***** since I heard. I had my own session, I could barely speak, couldn't mention any of this. We started late and ended on time with my T ready to usher me out as soon as he could. Just not sure I can do this. Why cant I have anything of my own? I know it's selfish, but F!

I am not married... but yes, that would absolutely drive me crazy. Doesn't that count as a "dual relationship"? I would not feel safe or contained if my T were also seeing my husband (or ANY family member... heck or even a close friend!) - it doesn't seem like good practice ot me. I'd be worried that something would get leaked (either something that I said in private would make it back to husband, or something husband said would affect T's reactions to me).

Did you actually talk about any of this with T? Has your husband actually started seeing him? I'm sorry that your husband is being an insensitive lout - more than the T stuff - I think I'd be angry at the husband for not understanding that this is important and necessary.

Sorry Petra5ed...

Yeah. My husband has seen him twice. My husband didn't tell me he would either time, both times I found out after the fact.

I saw my T today and I couldn't communicate. I had finally gotten to the point of being comfortable. I'm sure it's an overreaction, but I feel like the relationship is compromised. Especially given the needing "to stand up to me" comment.

My husband is completely withdrawn from me. Now instead of my therapy being based on what I say and what happens between us, it feels tainted by all the things I see my husband saying about me. Needless to say my husband and I see things very differently.

Oh and "stand up for himself" is absurd. But of course I never get to stand up for myself without being cast as the b****. I cant even stand up for myself to see the same therapist I've poured years of time and money into.

Ugh, Petra5ied - I'm so sorry, that sounds really awful. Is there any chance you could call or email your T? Did your T not pick up on the fact that you were upset today?

He seemed uncomfortable with me, and I was very uncomfortable being there. I was angry and I don't think he noticed. After the first time he saw my husband my therapist told me he would refer him somewhere else, so it came as a bit of a surprise that he talked about working with my husband one on one for a good chunk of our abbreviated appointment.

How can T see you both at the same time, its crazy and its not normal.
Okay I saw the same psychologist my friend saw but we both see her for just few times.
Its not normal to see the same T as your husband sees. T can have subjective opinion or he can get confused if you and your husband talk about each other.

My fiance and I used to share primary doctors. We soon realized that it wasn't healthy for any of us. The doctor started judging me for how my mental health issues were affecting my fiance. But my fiance told me to not tell our doctor about his anger issues and how he was abusive with me. I started to receive really poor treatment from the doctor, my fiance noticed and it bothered him, so we both left that doctor and found our own.

I can't imagine ever sharing a T with my fiance. My T works in an office with other Ts, but she won't even left my fiance see one of those Ts. She said that I need to feel safe and secure not only with her, but also the surroundings. I need to know that I'm safe with the other Ts since they know nothing about me.

Maybe you can make clear to your T that sharing the same T with your H will affect and possibly hinder your relationship with both your T and your H?

Please call him if you can. He needs to refer your husband out. It sounds like he knows that... I'm sorry that he spent most of your session talking about working with your husband, that sounds really frustrating and not helpful...

I'm not sure if you're ok with calling/emailing your therapist (it terrifies me, but I haven't really had a great therapy relationship yet). In this case, part of why I think you should call and not wait is...

1. It's clearly upsetting you.
2. I'd want to be clear with the T about this ASAP, before he schedules any more appointments with H. The longer this goes on, the harder its going to be to get H to see another T, and the more damage it does to you (the more info gets shared, the more the boundaries and relationships get confused). It's time-sensitive.
3. It sounds like your T wasted a big portion of today's session talking about your husband.

Just my observations... hopefully someone else weighs in soon, since as I said, I'm not married (and never have been). I can tell you though, I've thought about having various family members meet up with my T, and even that is a big NO for me. I really need my T to be on MY side, to support ME and I don't know how he can clearly do that if he's also being a T to your husband!

My T wouldn't even see my friends without discussing it with me first. I hope you are able to tell your T how much it bothers you, what your H said the T said, and that your T does the right thing and refers him to someone else.

It sounds pretty unethical of your T, and not very understanding from your husband too.
My T wouldn't even work with a friend of mine, let alone my H!
Maybe it's time to look for a new T of your own? The fact that he even discussed his session with your husband in your session is a breach of confidentiality, and you need to have a t that you can trust to not disclose about you, and not to judge you.

I don't know if it is really a bad idea for a Therapist to also see a friend of yours then they can hear both sides of a conflict that may arise between the two of you. When I was in Junior High a friend of mine saw the same Therapist as me but that was probably because it was the school Therapist that we both saw.

The Husband situation may be a little different but I really see no harm in it (once again they can hear both sides of a conflict between the two of you).

I'd be GONE~ Freak that. Too much confusion for me to consider working though. I guess I'd go crying to another therapist about feeling betrayed until I could get back to my own issues.

I think it would be rude of my therapist to treat my husband at the same time as me.

I don't know if there are rules or guidelines for it, but my T will NOT see my husband and I separately. We've talked about it. Had we come in together to begin with, that's one thing, but she won't start couples therapy if it didn't start that way, and continued. I want my hubby to see a T, his choice, both of us together or just him...and my T has plenty of people she can refer us to for couples counseling, or counseling just for him. She would still like to see me individually, she thinks it's very important. I do too....

I would not be happy about that at all, i think it creates a conflict of interest. Plus, I thought most Ts wouldn't do this because of the possible issues that could arise, especially with a couple.

Before my dad passed away he needed a new pdoc and was interested in seeing mine. My doctor wouldn't take him on without leg thy discussions with me and even after that was hesitant. We didn't pursue it any further but I could tell he didn't think it was a good idea. And there were no major issues there although maybe my having mentioned him in session was enough to make it a conflict. My mom and I share the same GP and she asked me how my mom was once but then said that was all she could ever say an had to pretend she didn't know we were related.

My brother used the same GP as his ex-wife and the doctor gossiped with both of them.

Not a good idea.

My H and I see the same general practitioner, and I do not think seeing the same therapist is the same thing AT ALL, particularly when our H is doing it without discussing it with you first.

You're not overreacting. A therapist's primary duty is to their client, that can't happen if two related parties are in individual therapy, the therapist can't really be in both their corners equally simultaneously.

There's too much risk of confidentiality breaches, no matter how unintentional, and the T can't see you objectively if they have all the subjective feedback from your husband. I really think only one of you should be seeing the therapist, and certainly, you have the claim of most established relationship.

My kids are cool, I agree. It would be one thing if my husband and I were open with each other, but it's not the case. He knows when I go to therapy every week but he will just start seeing my fing therapist without a mention. Since my husband feels he has to assert himself so much we obviously have an adversarial relationship. Personally I think it would be nice if my husband talked to me at all, usually people converse before jumping straight to asserting themselves.

I'm going to say I cant do it. Now I get to worry my therapist will choose to keep seeing my husband over me. If that happens I think I'll get a divorce and a new therapist.

And how would they use that information without breaking confidentiality?

I get the new therapist part but how does your potential divorce hinge on which of you the therapist keeps seeing? Why would your marriage be salvageable if your therapist says he'll keep seeing you but not if he keeps seeing your husband?

I think even if it were possible for a T to have iron-clad boundaries, to somehow store your information and your husband's in separate non-communicating parts of his brain, this would not be workable. Your husband, whether consciously or not, appears to be trying to sabotage your relationship with your T. I think that, for me anyway, the doubt created by toxic little nuggets like "T says I have to stand up to you" would poison my relationship with my T and make it unworkable.

Is this a regular t, or was it church-based marriage counseling to begin with? Cuz sometimes those arent regular ts. Which would explain the breach in boundaries.

Thanks. This put into words what I was feeling but couldn't describe. Even though he knew it bothered me he didn't tell me the first time, he intentionally set the appointment didn't tell me and went to it and waited until after it had transpired to bring it up. Then he kept referring to him as "his" T, rather than using his name which is how we've always referred to him. It felt like an ambush.

My therapist has a policy against seeing partners, or seeing couples in therapy and then seeing either part of the couple in individual therapy. I thought that was standard treatment of dual relationships?

I had exactly the same situation and I believe it to be a betrayal and breech of ethics. When I finally divorced my ex since he had utterly no interest in personal growth he used the T as one of the multitude of ideas he tried to destroy me with since he knew the T was important in my life. He claimed that the T had told him to do all kinds of nasty things to me in the divorce and that he was shocked at how much the T disliked me. In as much as I did some work with this man I now believe that he was a wounded healer who had some outdated ideas about trauma treatment. I will never let that happen to me again.