Waiting

I think it might help to let these T's know that you are phobic about speaking on the phone and that is the reason you are emailing. I think they are more likely to respond back by email if they know this.

It is really great that you are doing this.

Hope you find a T that fits you well Sorry you have to wait for a response - it's really hard - but they should get back to you within the week. Good luck!

I did also say that

You are cracking me up today. I completely agree with not wanting to label yourself. The diagnosis is mostly for insurance anyway. Good luck at school this week. Two real friends are better than a dozen superficial ones. I learned that the hard way in college too.

I've always had friends come and go frequently... it really sucks, but in the long run you end up with just the dedicated awesome friends that you collect over the years.

And yay for all those emails! That took courage for you, be proud of yourself!

I think pointing out that you need help with childhood trauma is relevant. And hey... who is easy to get to know when they've lived with that? Any good T should be able to understand that it's hard to get to know someone who's always had shields up. Some people just take the more hostile route, and others take the fake-pleasant route. (I did the fake-pleasant, haha).

Well I'm not exactly hostile. I'm just apprehensive and overly skeptical.

Two T's already contacted me. One of them called me. I had a hard time understanding her because her voice was so raspy but I think it might have been the connection. Unfortunately, we couldn't schedule a time for a consultation yet because my schedule is a disaster and I have to move basically every class. Plus my boss hasn't come up with a fall schedule yet.

Another one emailed. She seemed super sweet but is on maternity leave until October. I won't throw her out but I think LCM will push for sooner.

6/8

wow just wow

I never liked the label BPD. Let your new T make their own conclusions.

Okay, so I know going into this that some on the forum are probably going to be really upset with me, but I think people do you no favors by blowing smoke up your *** and pretending like you do not have very significant issues in how you interact with others. Although I disagree that you are unlikable immediately, you DO very quickly engage in behaviors that are unpleasant and that drive people away. You are quite hostile when people disagree with you and the emotional volatility is very unpleasant. Your unpredictability makes some people uneasy. A friendship is very difficult to maintain with someone who behaves as you do.

It doesn't HAVE to be just the way you are. It is something you can work on. The biggest favor anyone did for me in the sport I participate in was to tell me that I was acting like a *****. I did not mean to. I was riding a very difficult horse and really focused on just surviving. However, as a result, I was not friendly to the humans around me and replied curtly to them when they tried to engage with me. When someone pointed it out to me, it gave me an opportunity to try to change my behavior.

Telling people you are just "sharp" and to get over it is not an attitude that will attract people or cause them to want to engage with you. If you were happy with your current situation, I could see not wanting to work on this, but you are not. You repeatedly have issues with other people, and post on here quite upset about it, so it seems like this IS something big and important to work on.



Again, this goes back to what I was saying above. You are not happy with your friend situation. You say you are not hostile, but you do come across at least in writing as very hostile, very often.

I am not saying any of this to be mean, but to try to make you more aware of how you come across. While it may be unpleasant to hear that one's behaviors are off-putting to others, or are driving others away, unless you are aware of it or someone tells you about, you don't know that changes are necessary if you want to have your friends not leave you.

So I'm easy to get along with at first and then difficult? Okay.

My friends are more hostile than me. I don't care about the ones that left. They didn't want to put the time into being friends when it involved doing anything easier than just knocking on my door.

I come across very different in real life than I do online. You have no idea what I am like as a friend in real life and you also have no idea that I've only been offended on here once. I defend myself. And I'm just direct about and I don't give a **** waft you think of me. I feel like you falsely think I'm offended. I can standup for myself in a snarky way and enjoy debate without getting offended.

I never said you were easy to get along with at first. I said you were not immediately dislike-able. I also never said anything about you being offended. I said you are hostile when people disagree with you -- as you illustrated again with your response to me. Clearly you did not actually read what I wrote nor did you get the point of it -- not that you have to do so, obviously. However, don't claim that I said things I did not -- especially when you are QUOTING my post which does not contain within it anywhere the word 'offended.'

Further, I did not tell you anywhere in that post what I think about you. I tried to point out how some of your behaviors are off-putting or how they might be making other people react to you.

You don't. Needs to ooofged anyone which quoted.

Bt worried about others

I know that you are trying to help, but I strongly feel that your comments are very inappropriate. One thing that you need to understand is that people with BPD are born with a genetic trait that causes them to experience emotions more strongly. Once someone who has this trait experiences an invalidating environment, such as an abusive environment they become at risk for developing the disorder. Learning to regulate the intense emotional experience that comes with BPD is not something that someone can do on their own, and it takes a lot of time, and special validating environment in therapy. Marsha Llinehan who has BPD and invented DBT says that a person would have to be super human to cope with the intense feeling that people with BPD experience with out leaning any supplemental skills.

Furthermore, only invalidating people with BPD only exacerbates their feelings, and does little to help them grow (research has shown this). Growli has made huge progress by contacting therapists and she deserves to have that validated and celebrated. This is the single biggest step I have ever seen her take towards helping herself. You might also ask yourself why it is that you think that you need to intervene in the way that you did. Why did you not just have an empathetic relation and think about what kind of feelings might cause Growli to post such a thing. Perhaps your own anxiety about your feelings of emotional inadequacy are subdued when you find that you can view your own emotional progress as superior to another's?

Again, I never said I was superior. I was pointing out my experience to try to explain why I was telling her about behaviors that she did not think were problematic might actually be an issue for others so she would have an opportunity to change those if she wishes to. I do not believe I ever invalidated her feelings. I discussed how her behaviors could be affecting her friend situation. That is all that I was trying to do. I did not say anything to invalidate her feelings or that she took the step of reaching out to a therapist. As I said initially, if people really want to help Growlithing improve her life, I think it does no good to mislead her about the impression or the response she creates by her behaviors, especially when she repeatedly states she does not think they are a problem and she doesn't even want to try to change them.

Why did you not have an empathic response to me and consider that I could be coming from a place of trying to help her and not deceive her, and instead you lashed out at me? Perhaps you are projecting your own emotional issues on me.

IDK, feel like MKAC raised an interesting point here... looking at your behaviors and the effects they can have on certain ppl is always beneficial. Esp since you, Growli, would like to find more healthy supportive RS in your life (though I think 2 really good friends are great). I do remember some posters feeling offended by your answers/posts (coarse language...), though I have to admit I personally didn't see anything offensive in them- must be the damn L2 barrier

i'm not really sure what to say about the above comments. it just doesn't seem helpful to criticize her when she has taken this huge positive step and contacted a whole bunch of Ts. glad you are good at standing up for yourself growli.

i just wanted to post i'm happy you've already had a couple Ts respond. you have a lot more going for you than you probably realize. you're obviously quite intelligent and you must be talented to be studying what you are. considering what you've experienced in life it is quite understandable to be a bit wary of people and slow to open up. there is nothing wrong with that and many of us are like that. that in no way equates to being unlikable. just keep taking those positive steps and eventually things will start to feel better. i know it's quite difficult to do and i admire your determination to find a new T.

I've talked to 5/8. One referred me to someone else who I have already talked to so 5/9. I'm waiting on my school schedule to be finalized tomorrow and then I'm setting up 2 consultations.

I know that not everyone likes me and that's find. I genuinely do not care. I just don't know why every single one of my threads has to break out into an argument.

I also am technically labeled as BPD. I said I don't feel like it is my primary issue. A professional I meet in real life may or may not disagree. People are different online.

You don't seem to understand that your post suggests that it is all growli's fault that she has a hard time with friends, and what I'm trying to tell you is that her strong reactions have to do with things that are not under her control entirely at the moment. Going to therapy is the main thing that is going to help her with that. Her problem is not that she's a *****, but the fact that she lives in a world of people who are less emotionally sensitive than her, and that her sensitivity was aggravated by all the abuse that she endured. Therapy is really the only thing that is going to help her navigate her sensitivity.

The point is that it is just flat out invalidating to suggest that someone has no friends because of the way that they are (this implies that the person has no worth as they portray themselves at the moment). It is clear from other things Growli wrote here that her friends may not have been the most understanding kinds of people. I expect that friendships will always be difficult for people with BPD because being more sensitive to things in general is a very alienating experience. And while it might be helpful for you to just know out right that you are doing xyz thing, you can't assume that is what is best for another person. You might consider the other person's personality before you decide that "tough love" is really the best thing. People with BPD tend to be very self critical and hearing criticism of one's person from the outside can cause a very intense emotional reaction (most likely shame) if the person does not have the skills to deal with it.

And as far as the empathy goes, I cannot see any compelling reason to empathize with someone who doesn't seem to be under emotional stress at the moment.

I was not trying to argue or criticize. I do think it is great that you are getting in touch with therapists. I was merely trying to point out how something you do not see as a problem could be contributing to the issues that you have with friends and might actually be a problem. That is all. I was truly trying to help because I felt it was immensely helpful to me to have someone have the courage to tell me how my behavior was affecting others. My friends were all too afraid to hurt my feelings to tell me the truth. Being told how my behavior made me appear to others was very embarrassing at first and stung and I had a lot of shame around it. However, it was absolutely the best thing for me in the long so I could make the necessary changes to present myself in a way in real life that was actually more representative of who I am as a person.

I never said it was all Growlithing's fault. I pointed out ways in which her behaviors contribute to the issue. It is not blaming someone entirely for something to encourage them to own their part of things. You cannot just blame it all on others under the excuse of those folks just not being as emotionally sensitive.

If I thought Growlithing was just a horrible person who had no redeeming qualities, I would not bother to try to help her see how her behaviors detract from people being able to see the good qualities and the things she has to offer in a friendship. But, I will certainly refrain from posting from now on.

I was just worried that you maybe feeling that there is stg inherently wrong with you that some ppl don't want to be your friend- the unlikeability and all. No need for you to change your behaviors to accommodate anyone if you don't want to- you still wouldn't get all ppl to like you anyway
Hate labels too, hope you'll find a T able to look behind the dx and treat you as an individual that you are.

I'm just trying to tell you how it might feel for her in case you ever have a BPD person in your life. It might help to know that strong reactions are about the way the world feels, and the way emotions feel. BPD people deserve to have other people be aware of these things, if our responses are at times seem disproportionate to others.

Oh no. I know I am an *** and everyone hates me and no one can stand to be around me. I know that I would be a great person to be around if only blah blah blah something or an other. My mother has told me all of this before. I know that I push people away and I'm overly skeptical and critical.

But since we are sharing how people come off, you seem to only come post on my threads to create drama. You have a cocky holier than thou attitude for someone posting on a mental health website talking to other crazy loons. And you seem feel so prod of yourself for being able to tell someone probably half their age exactly whatms wrong with her,

Maybe I shouldn't say this. Maybe I drank about a 3rd of a bottle of Smirnoff because it's so hot outside I want to make the day move faster. But that's how you look. Thought I should tell you as a friend.

And I don't give a ****. I really don't. The thing about this that would bother you the most is that iMm ****ing smiling right now. I'm not offended. I'm not going to ever be offended at some bored person online trying to start drama because I feel bad for them because I know their lives are as boring as mine. So please don't censor yourself and continue telling me how much of a piece of **** I am. I get off on it.

For what it's worth, because I don't post much because of the manner in which a group of people react to me on the forum, you have no idea whether I am under emotional stress at the moment. I am actually hugely stressed out because of trying to raise another litter of orphan kittens, having to put my ancient horse to sleep, having issues in my extended family and trying to deal with some big trauma issues in my own therapy. My childhood was marked by severe and chronic abuse, physical, emotional and sexual. Being told I am being "inappropriate" for truly trying to help someone who comes from a similar situation as I did, and that I do not understand abuse or the issues it causes is very invalidating to my life experience.

I think it is entirely likely that Growlithing is correct when she says she does not have BPD. Her issues sound very much more like cPTSD and are similar to what I have experienced -- the intense shame and self criticism. I LIVE those things. I know how much intense shame I had and still have around not realizing how my behaviors made me appear. I had to wait until I was in my late thirties before someone had the balls to tell me. I was hoping to help Growlithing see it earlier at a stage of her life where she can address it and hopefully have it have less of an impact on her life than it had on mine.

So now, THIS really is my last post on this subject. I wish you all good things, Growlithing. Please know that I offered you something that was painful for me to share in the hopes of sparing you years of what I went through myself. If I am completely off base and you never offend or drive away people you are trying to be close to with your behavior, I sincerely apologize.

I meant that your post doesn't suggest any emotional stress, you weren't the person asking for help or being vulnerable, so I just don't see any reason to empathize.

My cat is also sick today, and I have not slept well I'm dreading my therapy session that is in several hours, and I have been sabotaging my own academic progress, but I didn't expect any empathy at the moment as I did not make a thread and put myself out there. I just don't expect empathy from other people when I'm trying to help someone who is being vulnerable at the moment. Maybe I just misunderstood the thing that you expected?

Thanks for talking about your life. If my life and my issues past and current dont give me an excise for overreacting now and again, then yurs don't give you an excuse for rying to make drama where there isn't any either. And trying to turn yet anpther thread into a "let's critize growli fest". I'm doing every thing right. Don't play that **** with me because i don't play and none of you have any idea how mean I can really get.

Of course I offend people sometimes and push them away. I'm ****ing human and I'd be lying is I said I neer did that. I don't even always care if I offend becase being offensive doesnt matter. Being offended is part of life and no one doesn't have the rigt to never be offended..

Pf course my behavior isn'tpergect/ But I'm a damn good friend and you can try to make me questin that all you want but you don't ****ing know me. You don't know my friends. You don't know how I treat them. You just know the versiou of me online.

And yes I technically hvaev cPTSD. Not sre why it matters. You don't win at mental diagnoses.