I know it has been awhile

Sorry I haven't been around in awhile. Life is difficult. I have been really struggling. I hope that it is alright that I post again.

I am worried about becoming to dependant on my T. It seems like every week lately I can't get through the week without calling or emailing him in between the sessions. I see him once a week. Every week I promise that I will not contact him in between but I am just so so I don't know the word. I am afraid he is tired of hearing it. I am tired of it, so I am sure he is to. I don't know where to turn. I hate calling & emailing him in between. He is always very gracious and tells me to call him again if I need to but I just can't anymore. I don't even know what we are doing. My next appointment is Monday and I don't even want to go. What is the point? Nothing ever changes. I am so tired and confused. I tell my T all the time that I am tired and confused and he tells me that these things in my life will not last forever, but I don't see anything ending. Everyday it just gets worse and worse. I could go on forever but I don't know if my thoughts really belong in this forum. But I don't know any of the other forums. Sorry if this to long.

(((((((((((((Purplemoon))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way ... feeling dependent on someone is really tough, and i hate it probably as much as you do! One thing that i do when i feel like i need to contact my person (its not my T but someone else that was very important to me) I just close my eyes and think of the things she's said to me when i needed comfort. You say that you email your T .. what sort of things does he respond with? If it is things that make you feel better, then copy and paste those and make a page of all the "feel good" things that they've said to you. If you don't correspond enough through email, just try and thing ofthe things he's said, conversations you've had, and just how you think he would respond to how you are feeling right now.

Maybe this sounds a little bit odd, but it works for me so you never know, it just might help you a bit too.

Hope you are feeling better, and just try and keep believing in yourself, believing that you can do this, and that it is also okay to have someone (like your T) that is there for you.

Jacq

((purplemoon)) A good therapist will be able to deal with your needs. Yes at times it feels awful that we need them so much. But this really is just part of the theraputic process. We have to feel the needs and work through them. Your T won't disappear because you need him so much!

Thank you Jacq10 and Mouse.

I kept his reply's to my emails and I reread them. There are a few phrases in there that are helpful. I have a hard time trying to think what he would say. It is like once I leave - it is gone. It really is strange.

Mouse - I do alright for a week or two & then I am right back here. I am afraid that he is getting tired of this. I know I am tired of this. The same thing over and over. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to tell him I am here again. I did on Monday and I emailed last week - so he knows that I am here again. But I won't email him this week no matter how much I want to. I don't know what I am going to do but I can't expect him to always be available. I need to snap out of this. I so wish I could. I don't know what I am going to tell him on Monday. I so want to go in there and say it is all fine, I had planned on doing that this past Monday, but when I walk in there I just start whinning and complaining. It is the same stuff week after week - the items may be different but the theme is the same. I have noticed that last week he was quieter & more direct. I don't know what to think. He says I am making progress but I don't feel any better. I don't know what we are doing. I am frustrated and don't know what to do. I feel worse.

Sorry I didn't mean to go again. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to answer.

I have someone I feel that way about (also not my T but someone extremely kind and helpful) and sometimes I'll draft an email to her and then save the draft, not send it. I might go back and add to it or start a new one. It helps a lot with the immediate need for contact with her. Getting my thoughts or worries written down helps a lot.

She also told me once that I think I am "too much" for her and that I'm not.

Your T is strong and he can deal with all of you, so just go ahead and be you and work through this with him. He sounds very accepting and patient and caring.

Thanks Echoes. But what if I am to much for him? I certainly could not start this process over. Everything is such a mess. The reason I started seeing him for has been put on hold as there is to much currently going on that needs to be addressed. I have been seeing him for nearly a year and the mess is so much worse. I have way to many crisis'. Also - I am not sure what is alright. How much is supposed to help me with. Some of this stuff I should be able to do. I am so lost. I don't know what to expect of T and I am so afraid that one day he is going to say enough. I mean I can't handle it anymore.

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purplemoon said:

I kept his reply's to my emails and I reread them. There are a few phrases in there that are helpful. I have a hard time trying to think what he would say. It is like once I leave - it is gone. It really is strange.

Mouse - I do alright for a week or two & then I am right back here. I am afraid that he is getting tired of this. I know I am tired of this. The same thing over and over. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to tell him I am here again. I did on Monday and I emailed last week - so he knows that I am here again. But I won't email him this week no matter how much I want to. I don't know what I am going to do but I can't expect him to always be available. I need to snap out of this. I so wish I could. I don't know what I am going to tell him on Monday. I so want to go in there and say it is all fine, I had planned on doing that this past Monday, but when I walk in there I just start whinning and complaining. It is the same stuff week after week - the items may be different but the theme is the same. I have noticed that last week he was quieter & more direct. I don't know what to think. He says I am making progress but I don't feel any better. I don't know what we are doing. I am frustrated and don't know what to do. I feel worse.


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I'm the same way. After the session is over it's like *poof* gone. I can't remember many of the things my t says......I wrack my brain so hard and I can only eek out a few phrases here and there and then I cling onto them for dear life and evevntually they peeter off too.....

I email her but she rarely responds, I would reread it too if I had something there to go with.....

I'm always "stuck" with mine......I feel whiny too......don't know how to move forward and looking to them for that seems to be not what it's about I guess. Wish I could offer more, but I'm with ya.

Hi Purplemoon. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I know what it's like to think your T is going to say "Enough! It's over!" In fact, I tell my T that a lot in session-- I'll say something and then follow it up with, "Ok. I can see you want to kick me out of the room now." And he's always like, "What??" But remember-- even if we feel like our Ts want to get rid of us-- we only feel that way because of our past experiences... That's why a T is wonderful. Your T isn't going to get rid of you and neither is mine. As long as it takes, t$$$ (my bird just ripped a key off of my laptop-- okay now it's back on), your T will be with you as you get used to having a constant in your life. And your thoughts definitely belong on this forum-- keep posting.

purplemoon - You are stronger than me if you can stop yourself from emailing. I just can't. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted. I think you probably are making progress because you're able to think through things and you are getting closer to knowing yourself and what it up for you. The other thing is that we all have to go through the dark bad stuff in order to get to the light on the other side. You're still in the tunnel and the therapist is holding a light and guiding you through. He knows it's dark for you - that's why he's there - to help you through the darkness. If you don't talk to him honestly, he won't know which way to shine the light.

Ooo - I think I sound like I'm preaching or something. Sorry. I think I'm writing to myself as much as to anyone.

What I think I mean is, hang in there - we're with you.

Winter Rose

((((purplemoon)))) Could you try keeping a journal and writing in that when the urge strikes you to e-mail your T? My T has very firm boundaries and doesn't allow clients to e-mail him. I think this is a good thing for me, as I like to express myself in writing, and I could just see myself overusing this method of communication. For whatever reason, your T has chosen to allow you to be able to e-mail and call him when you need to. Maybe he thinks you really need this! Maybe you do. If you think you don't need this, could you tell him you need his help in setting an e-mail boundary? It might be a starting point. Sometimes it is hard to know where to start.

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I'll say something and then follow it up with, "Ok. I can see you want to kick me out of the room now." And he's always like, "What??"

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I can relate to that, pinksoil, only I am not open enough to tell T I feel that way. Kudos to you for that. I bet we all feel that way at some point in therapy.

purplemoon, so far nothing you've written here suggests to me that your T wants to get rid of you or can't handle you or that you are too much for him. (((hugs)))

Winterrose, I liked your analogy with the tunnel and the therapist shining the light.

Talulah - this place really sucks - huh? I keep hearing it will get better. I am sorry you feel the same way I do. Thank you for posting it helps to know I am not alone.

Pinksoil - Thank you so much. You are so brave - I could never say that to T. I am afraid he tell me it's time to go.

Winter Rose - you are so right I am in the tunnel. It just seems that I don't seem to be moving forward in the tunnel - its like I keep taking the wrong turn and keep getting further and further lost.

Sunrise - Thanks. I might try journaling. I do once in awhile but I get so overwhelmed with life I can't keep it straight. Also my journaling is more like a recount of what the day or week was like. I think it supposed to be about feelings or something like that but I don't know what I feel. Actually I am quite impressed that I have finally figured out that I am frustrated - its only taken me about 3 months. It's pathetic that I don't even know how to journal or can't identify feelings.

I appreciate all you guys taking the time to respond. Sorry to be such a downer, but I really do appreciate the kindness. It really helped me and I am feeling a little better today. I didn't email T. So for that I am glad. I haven't decided what to tell him on Monday when I go in there, but I have a few days to think about it.