Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear MC,
I wish I could make you a mixtape, but I guess people don't make them anymore. So, um, a playlist? Of songs I like that mean something to me that maybe you would like, too. Actually, I'd just like a session where we played each other our favorite songs. Yeah, that would be nice.

(Some of you right now are probably like, uh, what's a mixtape? Yeah, I'm kinda old!)

(Sorry folks for writing so much, don't mind me. I need to vent.)

I was thinking to when I left your office in tears last week and you came outside and hugged me saying to please come back in with you. You told me there was no point in crying out there alone as you were there for that. I remember you had sore eyes yourself, for whatever reason, maybe you were feeling even worse. Now I don't know if I should be desperate because I'm probably not coming back to my sweet T or relieved because you must have been really fed up of me that day - therefore, cancellation and not a word about the next session.
I didn't want to stress you so much. Neither I wanted to be so demanding with him. I'm afraid I will always be hungry. I fear it so much T. I just want to be good to people, that's why I don't want close friends. I never want to ask because once I do I seem to never have enough. Food, care, love. I'm so scared of this.

CBT T I'm dreading tuesday already.

Please don't put your foot in your mouth. When it comes to past trauma, you are a bull in a china shop.

Dear T, I threw up. Twice. I feel horrible about it but I just had to do it.

You cannot rationalize to any sane person, why anyone would disgrace someone in front of a hundred people (without provocation).

Words can hardly describe how I feel. That hug was so powerful and healing. Thank you so much for that. If only I could let you know.

I miss you...

Dear T

I just don't know what to do. I know you can't help. Or at least not immediately. You'll just say to not give up. To keep coming to therapy. But I feel so bad. I need something that will made me feel better now. But there isn't anything. I used to fel better or more positive after leaving our sessions. But I don't anymore. It's bad.

My life is in chaos right now and I really want to reach out to, but it's not an emergency, even though I feel like I'm losing my mind. It would be so helpful to talk to someone not living in this crazy-making house. I hope I make it until Tuesday.

dear T

i text people pictures of my cat when im bored.

this includes you

me (cat lady)

I see you tomorrow. I know I won't tell you what I've written on this thread between my previous appointment and today. One thing I just realized is how very hard it must be for a caring person like yourself to have to deal with someone like me. How hard it is to let me try to find my footings I'm really sorry for all that I have put you and PDoc through.

I'm not ready to for you to leave.

T I see you tomorrow and there is a lot to talk about. ... I'm scared to bring up my addiction due to your position on it.

T, So I don't want to tell you this but I will so this is my practice run...

When you answered your phone in our session on Thursday it threw me. I'm not upset that you answered it, because when you do it is always extremely quick. What bothered me was when you said, "I'll see you tonight." See, I like to pretend that you have no life really. I don't mind the idea of you spending time with your kids, but if it is a girlfriend... I am extremely bothered. I like to pretend to you and myself that I am not sexually attracted to you but I suppose I am if the idea of you having a girlfriend bothers me.

I don't think that keeping this a secret or pretending it's not a feeling that is bothering me is going to help me. I think that you would agree that recognizing it and talking about it is the only way for me to get past it. Honestly though, I'd really prefer that you lie to me and tell me that there is no girlfriend even if there is one. The fact that you keep your life very private might make this conversation difficult for you though.

I might suggest that I tell you how it made me feel and allow you to take your time to respond at a later date. I dunno. I just know that I do want to get over you so that we can have a more healthy relationship. I'd like you to be able to visit me at work again someday. I'd like to be able to hug you again without it throwing me into a tail-spin.

I don't know when I will bring this up but I know I will... Eventually.

It's highly unprofessional to answer the phone during a session. They are taught not to. For many reasons. I dumped a T who was actually texting while I was talking. What does that say to me? I already have self esteem issues.

I guess this is the real deal. You're out of my life. I can't talk to you anymore.

And it hurts like hell.

I miss you terribly.

The only thing that keeps me going is the memory of our final session. Especially that hug. It's so good to know how much you truly care for me. You couldn't tell me in words but that hug told me everything I need to know. And I'm forever grateful for that.

I feel like my resolve is slipping. I feel like I'm about to fail spectacularly, and all anyone will see is the failure. No one will notice how hard it was to get to this point...
I'm just a disappointment anyway. Might as well live up to it.
For the record, I know the emotions behind this are transference, so this is really not directed to you as much as it would be to him. If I still talked to him. If I admitted I cared what he thought. If I could wave it in front of his face that I did two things right: I could make him happy even if it was really wrong; that I held out as long as I could...

(I want to reach out, like I told you I would do, but I feel stupid. I wouldn't know what to say, or how to explain anything or make any sense at all... and really, what could they actually do? I know what I should be doing, I'm just running out of energy to keep doing it. So what do I say? "Hi. T wanted me to call before I fall apart, but I'm out of strength to keep holding it together. I guess this is just a courtesy call to give you a heads-up that I'm crumbling. No, nothing you can do, but I promised her I'd call..." that leaves them with two options: call the cops on me because they don't know what "crumbling" looks like, or smile and nod and hang up the phone and leave you a note that your crazy client called... I don't like either of those options... so...? ... I wish you were in because even though i feel totally stupid calling you, at least you have a chance of figuring out who the blubbering idiot on the other end of the line is...)

Dear T
On top of things I was feeling horribly today at work because I'm new to this. But my boss said she is happy about me. Maybe I just need to live my life and focus on what makes me feel valued and try to leave you all behind - including you, if you don't want to be there for me anymore. But.. I wish you wanted to, like you promised me so many times, without me asking you to.
Unfortunately I find myself still hoping and waiting.

Dear T

Between our sessions I think often about you. Like now. You don't have to work today, so you probably at home with your cute baby girl. And I feel jealous. Everytime I think of you I feel jealous. And it hurts. You are beautiful, slim, smart, funny, kind. You have a good job, you have a boyfriend and you have such a beautiful cute daughter. I don't have any of that. And I'm only a few years younger than you. I'm ****ing 25 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I'm so lonely. I feel there's such a big difference between us. Everytime I see you I get reminded to that. To what I don't have. To what a failure I am. I just hate myself so much.

Dear T,

Today first you turned up over thirty minutes before our agreed-upon time (when I wasn't even home yet!) and then you left after thirty minutes because you had another appointment. I get that sometimes emergencies happen and you're unable to keep the appointed time, but you could've apologized at least.

At the end of last weeks session when we were discussing my feelings towards you, we hit a raw nerve so I put my head on your should and squeezed your arm. You asked what it was that I was feeling in that moment but I couldn't say. I don't remember what it was you said, but it made me want to lean in and kiss you lovingly. Knowing I couldn't was just too painful and I wanted to run, but I knew that avoidance is unhelpful. Squeezing your arm meant I stayed, that we remained close, but I was blocking myself from physically impulsive behavior I know is wrong. I'm not sure I trust myself half as much as you trust me.

I'm so defensive when it feels like someone is saying something negative about my T so it surprises me that I shared that post on PC. I had no doubt that someone would think less of him for answering his phone. I don't want to have to defend him but I opened this can of worms. In the 10+ years I have been seeing him, I can remember only 4 or 5 times that he has answered his phone. Usually he looks at it and silences it. Usually when he answers it, it is the hospital needing help with a patient. I don't know what possessed him to take that call that sounded personal but maybe it wasn't personal. I certainly won't fire him for it. If it were to continue to happen regularly I would be concerned but I don't see that happening.

I know that there are some not so good therapists out there but they aren't all bad and they are human and they make mistakes just like the rest of us. Texting does seem a bit rude. I won't even do that if I am out with a friend but again I don't know what the circumstances were. Did your T remember something extremely important that he needed to tell someone. I don't know. A quick, "excuse me for a moment I have something urgent I need to text," might have been better. I did get, "excuse me for a moment" to which I said "sure."

Anyway, that's what I have to say about that and any further discussion about my T will likely be ignored by me.

-ata

I think you're a tad naive about the pain my virginity is causing me. I don't know if it's because you're a woman & I'm a man, but this is driving me to the point of wanting to kill myself. I know you feel we've made progress, but the only way I'll be happy may never happen.

Dear T,

Our last session was difficult and emotional for me. We are talking about flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and attachments again. They are sensitive, personal topics. I felt a little afraid of what you would think.

I brought attachments up because the topic confuses me. I want to make sure we are thinking alike...so I feel safe when I reveal things to you.

I asked you things like:

"*Are attachments in therapy normal?
*Is it usual for patients to form attachment to their therapists?
*How does attachment help in therapy?
*Are you comfortable with a patient's attachment/bond feelings in therapy?
*Would you rather I try to reel in some of my attachment feelings?
I fear attachment because it has hurt me horribly in the past." etc.

At the end of Friday's session, I told you that- back when PrevT treated me, I had a difficult time falling asleep at night. I had asked her if it was ok for me to imagine myself safe in one of her bedrooms...to help me go to sleep.

You asked me if I still do that now?

I teared up a little....waiting for your rejection when I answered:

"Well, I have been trying to imagine I am in one your bedrooms lately.....is that ok?" Then I broke down.

Then you said something I did not expect,

"Make it the prettiest and safest room you can imagine."

Today was too much. I'm not sure I can handle this without help. Your help to be specific. ..... do I wait for Friday or call for an earlier appointment. ... I just don't know. I feel trapped.

You know you really kick my butt. I spaced out and then cried and cried after last session. Then I went waaaaaay outside my comfort zone over the weekend. I don't even know what to think of myself for it, but I know it was what I needed to do, to put myself in a place where there'll be support and community for the rough months coming. I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it, but I think I should be proud of myself for it... It's strange how I get so ashamed of things that others might consider achievements...

I'll be okay. I can do this.