My T Left Me...Part 2

How did your conversation with the counselor go?

(((Scarlet)))
Your previous posts about your T were all very positive. I have no way of knowing of course, but my guess would be you idealized her. There may have been warning signs that you didn't see because you were a bit starry-eyed for her. But that's normal! And healthy! You are healing and you're supposed to be able to idealize your T like a child would a parent in order to heal. The whole mess is still your T's doing AFAICS.

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Really well. I was happy when I went to sleep, and I'm happy now! Happy = smiling, content, calm... I so wish she could be my T. Darn boundaries

There's three bits of wisdom she imparted to me:

1. Trust: She said to think of the termination with my T as a breakup with a boyfriend. If you break up with a bf, you still put yourself back out there to find love again. You allow yourself to be vulnerable once more in the hopes of finding love. But of course, you take things slowly. She said we do it over and over again when we lose relationships and make new ones. She said it's the same with my new T. My T broke my heart, but I need to risk being vulnerable again in order to try and find growth with the new T. Trust takes time and it will happen when the time is right.

2. Perspective: I told her I'm having difficulties because I don't know which part of my relationship with my T was authentic and which were lies. She told me that I will never know, but that's actually not what's important. What's important is what I experienced. Did I feel loved, comforted, supported, cared for? If so, then that was real...for me. My T's termination doesn't change what I experienced with her prior. I was able to grow with my T. That's what's important.

3. Grieving vs. wallowing: She explained that wiith grieving it's similar to having to walk through mud. You acknowledge it and feel it, but keep going forward. With wallowing, you stop and start rolling around in the mud.

She suggested I write my T a letter (ex-T). It doesn't matter if I send it or not. And I could bring it to new T to read so she understands. But she said that I should express directly to my T all my thoughts and feelings. Even if I choose to send it, a response won't matter. Even if I got an answer I was looking for, I wouldn't necessarily believe it nor would it change what happened. But I need the opportunity to express myself to her in order to move forward. I do think I'm going to try this. I have written my thoughts and feelings over and over again about this. So maybe if I write it to her, that will help me?

She also gave me permission to call her again in a few weeks to update her She really is an awesome woman.

You know, counter transference could definitely be a reason. It's one reason that I don't have any facts to refute it. I'm not saying that's the reason why, but it could be. And it could have been negative or positive counter transference. If this is the case, my guess would be negative. It would explain the sudden changes.

Thank you. I'll keep that idea in mind. At least that allows me to consider having some empathy for her.

She does sound awesome. And yay for today being a good day!

oh i'm so glad it went well! yay

I really like what your counselor said about grieving v wallowing. That's where I'm at right now. Grieving is healthy. Wallowing is oh-so-tempting, but just makes me feel worse.

Scarlet, about that letter suggestion, if I can offer a suggestion, I think you should totally do it.

I know from experience, when my first T moved jobs & left, my second T helped coordinate that letter for me & suggested the same thing this counselor of yours did. I wrote a ton of stuff, and ultimately chose to send it through her, which happened. She got it, read it & took it all in, was unable to respond for ethical reasons but I can tell you from experience, writing everything down whether she sees it or not can be really cathartic, as it was for me. Start writing one & see how it goes, just focus on getting things out first & then once you're satisfied with what is there & feel like you're done, then make a decision as to whether you want to send it. It can be just as helpful whether you do or not, for me it was more satisfying for her to read it & for me to know that she would be taking it in but you may not feel the need to go that route. I really recommend if you can though that you at least try to write one & see how it goes. From there, either she will see it or you will keep it just as a release type exercise for you. In my case, though it brought up a lot of emotions while writing it, after I was done it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. All that I was feeling had no longer been contained inside so much, if that makes sense.

Just a few words to you from someone who has actual experience with this. Things did not end as badly with that one as they did with yours though, I think that may be a factor for you in whether or not you send it but anyway, just had to respond to that! I also love what this counselor said about grieving vs. wallowing, she'd make a perfect T for you!

Whatever you decide, I know you'll do the right thing & what's best for you!

I wrote a letter and sent it. He never responded. I did feel some better after I sent it, but I kind of wish I had waited a little bit. I was a little emotional when I wrote it. I think writing a letter is a wonderful idea though whether you send it or not.

edited to add:

I just went and re-read it and it is very tame compared to what I thought it was. LOL. I kind of wish now I had expressed myself more and expressed the hurt and anger more. I don't know. It's such a hard thing to go through.

Yeah. I'm definitely going to write a letter. I'm not going to decide whether to send it or not till later. I will want my fiance's input, maybe my new T's input, and PC's input And even then I may not send it. Knowing me, I probably will. I was thinking of writing (snail mail) anyways...just not this soon. I was thinking maybe a year from now. But it makes sense to write it now to help the healing process.

I have confronted people in the past who have hurt me. I've also tried contacting people who I have hurt. The 2 I contacted who hurt me was my mom and mentor from church. It really helped me. I also wrote a letter to a vet who basically caused my dogs death because he neglected signs of kidney problems and blamed us for lack of training. I didn't mail that one. I forget why I didn't, but I thought about it for a long time and choose not to.

My only fear is that my T told me not to contact her again. But if it's for therapeutic reasons, then I sort of have a right to? I know if she was my T and this happened with someone else, she would want me to. Actually, she'd want me to call I think calling her would be inappropriate though. And I'd be a blubbering mess and won't be able to communicate clearly.

So I am going to write. Thank you for the encouragement!

If you make it clear to your T that you don't expect or want a response, that may help. Most T's would be okay with it if they know that all they have to do is look at it. Also, perhaps see if your new T would be willing to send it to her on your behalf, as my second T did for me??? If you choose to do so, that is.

This second T of mine was a colleague of my first one, at the time she left they had been working together for some time... the address was not given to me, she sent it on my behalf, however I know where my first T is now & could write her now on my own if I wanted to because she told me where she was going before she left... I will eventually send her an update on how I'm doing now & how the work went that she was supposed to do with me & such things, but she really appreciated the one I sent & was raving to my second T about how well I write & how much I wrote! She heard me, I got everything out, I'm satisfied! It's not so ideal, in a perfect world she'd be able to respond, but I'd rather her hear me at least than have nothing at all.

That kind of thing isn't for everybody, but if you're a letter writing person & have the patience to sit with it & work on it & especially since you express yourself so well in writing in particular, I think it would help you!

One of the reasons I keep posting to you on your threads is because I know what you're going through, on some other level, you're going through where I was a mere few months ago & I can relate so much to your situation now dealing with the loss & transitioning out of it! I guess I should stop yapping now, just know I hear you & I truly understand where you're at right now!

I've had a busy good day so far!

Talked to the crisis house counselor this morning.

Then at noon, I got to see my counselor from the board and care I lived at. We spent an hour and 45 mins talking! We talked about her family, my life, mental health ignorance, and memories from when I lived there. I forgot I was her first client. I told her "Congratulations! Your first client had BPD and you survived!" Hehe We talked about our emeshment and how people were constantly getting on our case about it, but how it turned out super beneficial to both of us. We talked about good memories. And about the time I threw a tantrum on the floor for an hour We talked about other staff and residents. It was really nice.

Then I got a car wash (first time), got gas, went to the mailbox, and went to the pharmacy. I did it all by myself! I think I'm going to take a nap or at least try to. And then maybe paint, clean the house, or start on the letter to my T. Idk. There's so many things I can do. And I'm actually in the mood to do things!

Yay for good days!

Yap all you want! I'll read it all

You said it's been a few months for you. Is there anything else in particular that has helped you through this process? Anything that helped you with your new T?

I LOVE the idea of having my new T send it. That is awesome!!! Then it would make it appropriate. Only problem, my T HATES the group my new T is part of. She called them drunks and crazy. But I guess I shouldn't care, huh? She didn't care enough to help me through this, so why should I care if my T hates my new T. It honestly shouldn't matter to her who my T is since I didn't seem to matter to her in the end. More thinking. More processing.

And yes, I absolutely love writing. Funny story: growing up, I was an underachiever. They almost held me back in grade school because I struggled with cursive and multiplication. In hs, my English teacher tried to kick me out of her class because she thought I would fail (there's a lot more to that story...another time). But I had a history teacher who was an intern. I wrote a paper for her and she asked to keep it to use an example for future classes. I was dumbfounded. But that was the first time anyo e complimented me on my writing. Then in college, I had an awesome English teacher. There were 5 papers...that's it. No other work. It was credit/no credit, but in order to get credit, you had to write an A paper. 5 A papers = an A in the class, 4 = B, and so forth. It was awesome because it taught me how an A paper should be written. And I got an A in the class But yeah, I love love love writing.

Good morning. Just hoping an easy night was and a good day will be. :-)

I probably missed this because I'm me...

What would be enmeshment in terms of therapy/counseling? Why did people think it was unhealthy for you?

Don't think I have ever explained my relationship with my board and care counselor. First, please take into account that we met 14 years ago and she wasn't required to have a degree back then. She had the minimal training necessary.

Back story: when I was 17 my parents got divorced. My parents came out of the bedroom, dad said they were getting a divorce and he was leaving. He walked out. My mom and I had a horrid relationship then. She constantly told me that my dad didn't want me, and she told him I didn't want anything to do with him. Then I graduated h.s. I wound up having a breakdown and was hospitalized. After the 72 hour hold, I went to a crisis house. While there, my mom called my church friends and told them she was kicking me out. My mom thought someone at the church would take me in. Nobody did. I wound up homeless abandoned by my family and church. After several months in the homeless shelter, my case manager got me into the board and care.

Everyone there called me the baby because I was so young. Back then, not many young people wound up in these places, so I was the youngest they knew of. Many people tried to mother me, but everyone had their own ideas of what was most benefical to me. Most disagreed with the level of attachment my counselor and I had.

I was my counselor's first client. She connected with me because she has 6 children of her own. We were very close. We would hug, hold hands... when she worked at night, she would tuck me into bed. One time she kissed my forehead goodnight. And one time she held me in her arms like a child (I asked her to). But the staff often felt that we were way too close. Yet, every time they would try to separate us, I would throw a fit, and they would give in and let me be with her again.

We weren't too close. It was actually a beneficial experience for us both. For me, I got all the love and care I needed at the time. I also learned that none of that love filled the hole that my mother left in me. I realized you can't fill those holes, but you can build around them and make them seem smaller. She learned how to emotionally meet her children's needs better by practicing with me. Our relationship did evolve by the end. I moved out of the board and care and all the extra mothering stopped. Yet the relationship continued.

My counselor and I tried to figure out why the relationship ended. Through shared memories, we figured out it was me. I pushed her away. But it was at the time when my fiance was controlling, I had already lost my T due to her transferring, and a few other people. That is when I isolated myself and stayed in the house for 6 years.

So there was emeshment. We were extremely close. But we both benefited and grew from it. And now, 14 years after we first met, we can have a healthy adult relationship.

Difficult night, hopefuly a good day!

Scarlet, I just want to say that I think you're an amazing person!

Aww. Thank you. Compliments are difficult for me, so I'm going to accept it a not try to refute it

Btw, bad dreams suck. Why would the mind want to torture you when it needs it's rest?

And off topic, my lab results came back. Nothing new wrong with me...Yay! And my A1C is only 6.3! That's excellent considering my diet the last 5 months and lack of exercise. It means that if I simply fix my diet and go back to walking, I can easily get it 5.7 or below (which is the goal).

bad dreams do suck. but i'm glad your lab results were fine

Ooh I feel like such an a-hole because I'm so late replying to you!

I'm actually not in any therapy at the moment, I started at a trauma center for survivors of abuse about 18 months ago, I had my first therapist for 2 months & then she left, I had my second one for a year & she was good until the last session she did a similar 360 on me a la your T, BUT the catch with this is I knew it would be our last session individually since they have a limit on the number of sessions due to demand for service so she didn't just dump me or anything, but yeah long story short she lied about a number of things that was planned for after I finished with her & everything exploded & that was that... it's just a small non profit place for survivors of sexual violence, but the counselors all have masters degrees & are specialized in trauma & all that, I was supposed to do group therapy after that with them, all their therapy both individual & group is free no charge but after what happened I didn't do that... I finished therapy altogether there last August & then went into private practice from like August to December with some therapist that was a horrible fit for me all the way through so I terminated in January with her & I took a bit of a break & will soon be starting the search for a therapist for me...

So really, I've had to deal with two losses that were handled very differently & had different impacts on me... what has helped me, I'm not too sure I have an answer for that one... I was very affected with both & particularly the second one because she told me all these things & led me to believe all these things & then reneged on all of it last second & I believe some type of countertransference was involved with her as well.... I attach to people very strongly in a setting like that & so both times it was really hard for me... I just tried to keep myself as busy as I could through that time, structure my days a bit more whenever possible so that I wasn't just sitting & drifting because that's when I tend to think about things & then I'd get sad & cry... but if I knew I had something coming up to do, it would keep my mind occupied, fortunately for me during those times I was working bigtime hours so during the day I barely had time to think about much, but the nights are the worst... I didn't avoid the feelings if they came up, I just tried not to focus on them too much, I had difficulty eating & sleeping for the first few weeks afterward both times & I just tried to compile a list of things I enjoy doing or find happiness & comfort in & I'd do a few of them to take care of myself per day, to keep it balanced so that I'm not spending every day only concentrating on that... I'm not going to lie, it was hard still & the feelings I had (loss, abandonment, etc.) would come & go, but time is the only real thing that will heal something like that... accepting it & getting past it really is not going to happen instantly, as much as we might want it to, it just doesn't work like that...

I think the key is to be patient with yourself, be gentle with yourself & however long it takes you to grieve & deal with the loss is how long it takes! We all grieve & deal with difficult things differently & we move forward at our own pace, you honestly don't need a lot of advice from the sounds of things because you have been handling your situation way better than I ever could! Self care is important, make sure you take a little bit of time each day to do something that makes you happy & just know that, one day at a time, you will get stronger & build yourself back up to where you should be! I hope I've made sense & helped you somehow!

And your writing story was awesome! I agree, you have an incredible ability to write & I myself have also had many people tell me they enjoy my writing, my ex T included when she got her letter I wrote for her! This exercise will be awesome for you & I think you'll get as much out of it, or more, as I did!

We're not going to be talking about my letter to my ex-T for awhile. I made a new thread, I couldn't handle the responses, and right now I don't need to be putting myself in a position where I open myself up to criticism. It was my fault, not anyone's here. I wasn't ready. Only thing I will say is that it's already started and there's no time limit attached to it. I will bring it up again when the time is right and I can be open to criticism.

I keep looking for some sort of magical answer that will take this pain away. I know it doesn't exist, but I keep looking

And you're not an a-hole for having a life. I have no expectations of when or if someone responds to my posts. Been here long enough to not overreact to that

I'm sorry all that happened to you. I don't understand how people can treat others in such a way, least alone therapist. Why make promises or agreements to things you cannot or will not follow through on? I understand that if something unexpected comes up and changes plans (a move, an emergency, a crisis)... I hope you find a good T when you continue your search!

I'm trying to be patient with myself. Taking care of myself...not succeeding in that area; not failing either. Doing things I enjoy is something I've been trying to do. My main things are trying to stay busy, reach out when I need to, keep all my appts, and sleep when I'm tired.

I'm surprised, I'm actually looking forward to seeing my new T Thurs. I'm not panicking at all. I'm just really curious about her, who she is. Only thing that I am scared about is opening up to her. But I'm trying to tell myself that I'll be okay and that I know my boundaries.

But now I have a new stressor: my fiance might be quiting his job tomorrow. Basically, the CFO of his company refused to pay a bill since they started a contract of another company months ago. So the company demanded payment by 5pm, and the CEO and CFO didn't do anything. So my fiance is going to try to get the hardware back from the company. If he can't, the whole project he created and was working on goes down the drain. A 1.5 million dollar a month! deal will not be signed with my fiance's company. So he'll of wasted the past year putting in 60 hrs a week and only getting paid for 5. I don't know much about business, but I'm smart enough to know you pay your bills!!! /sigh

Btw, the bill is only $17k. Losing a 1.5 million dollar deal over 17k. Real smart!

You're doing just fine Scarlet. You have a good plan, I was very flattered when you asked me for advice, partly because of how well you are doing yourself & also because I'm not the greatest at giving advice.

Hold up... how in the hell can he (your fiancé) work 60 hours a week & then only get paid for 5??? What is his occupation, like in general what does he do??? That sounds SO wrong to me, I mean wrong as in unfair to him!

Fingers crossed he somehow can hold his job & not quit tomorrow... but why is he quitting though??? I don't get it, I'm slow!

But yeah, I'm mostly past the explosion with T 2... I can handle what happened with T1, but T2 really burns me because I spent a whole year with her & really feel like I accomplished very little & the way she handled termination it feels like I took steps backwards... I honestly feel like T1 did more for me in 2 months than she did for a year & that's sad... it's just kind of been stuffed down & I'll probably have to dig it up momentarily once I get a new T at the beginning, because it will affect my ability to trust & open up, so I may have processing to do about that... T3 wasn't helpful at all, she was so distant & unengaged & wouldn't even let me talk about my previous experiences at all, acted as if it was nothing when in fact it is a lot of what makes me who I am right now therapywise & wouldn't that be relevant for a future T to know??? Helllooooo????

But yeah, that's the book on me! I'm doing ok, all things considered, thank you for your empathy & kind words for me & I'll definitely be keeping tabs on you!

I didn't see the thread you made & said you couldn't handle what people wrote in response to it, but I totally respect what you say about not wanting to talk about the letter! No problem at all, if it bothers you too much, it's all good, I'm sure you can tell us about many other things!

Hope you're having a good day over there, take care!