My T Left Me...Part 2

(((Scarlet)))
Love is never pathetic. It hurts when you love someone who can't or won't love you as you deserve, but it is their inability to love that is pathetic, not your love.

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You never overwhelmed me at all. I was just afraid that my responses, based on my way of experiencing the world (which they have to be if they're honest), was starting to come across as not taking your pain seriously enough. I am drawn to your posts and will be glad to keep responding when I think I have something useful to say as long as you keep in mind where I'm coming from when you read them and realize that when I give practical suggestions it's because that's what I have to give, not that I think it's the only or even best response.

As far as me being on the Spectrum, I also don't know. I for sure know I have NVLD (nonverbal learning disabilities) but the rest...?

I can tell from your posts and your blog that you are someone who connects with a large variety of people and doesn't expect other people to be like you. This is a big one for me and a huge reason I'm drawn to you and your posts.

I REALLY hope you can sleep tonight. Take care.

I DID IT!!!!! I went to the beach! All by myself! It was so tranquil and beautiful. The sound of the waves and children's laughter, the smell of the sea, the beautiful sun dipping into the ocean, the feeling of the sand btwn my toes and the gentle ocean mist. Thank you all for the suggestion!

Here's proof:

Beautiful pictures. My favorite was the last. The ocean is great, isn't it? As is the feeling when you do things that are hard.

I agree. I think it should be public knowledge of grievances and law suits. Sort of like the better business Bureau for businesses.

You're right. I would have done anything I possibly could to fix things.
Thanks for reminding me of this. Another point to make. Typical relationships are not ended this way...least not healthy ones.
It's up to you what your expectations are of yourself. But make sure they're obtainable. I actually only have a few expectations of myself: be caring, be logical, and keep trying. Beyond that, I just do whatever it is that I feel in the moment. Like today. I was driving home from dinner with my mom and I got it in my head to go to the beach. I started doubting myself, but I keep telling myself that there was a reason it popped into my head at that moment and so I needed to follow through.

((((Rags)))) I hope I didn't respond to you in a way that made you think that I though you weren't taking me seriously. Here's how I know you and the others take me seriously: you all are posting. It also shows you care.

You respond however much or little you want to. I have no expectations. I'll take hugs and/or responses. I'll even take just being in someone's thoughts even if they don't reply. I know I'm not the only one here who struggles/is struggling. It actually makes me happy that others feel comfortable opening up or even reaching out for support on my thread. It's only "my" thread because I started it, but in reality it's all of our's thread. Sometimes getting support for oneself includes supporting others.

If you ever start worrying, just check in and/or ask for reassurance. I will be honest with you.

I like practical suggestions and logic. Logic is a strength of mine, just sometimes my emotions override it. So practical suggestions help pull me away from all the emotional pain. But honestly, I'm a closet nerd. I love math (got up to honor pre-cal in hs and tutored stats in college) and I love science. My favorite science is chemistry. And my passion is architecture: structured art that uses math.

I just looked up NVLD. Never heard of it before. I actually can relate to some of the symptoms: Concrete thinking; taking things very literally, Poor social skills; difficulty making and keeping friends, Fear of new situations, Trouble adjusting to changes, Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and May withdraw, becoming agoraphobic. Though those symptoms for me are BPD.

I'd like to explain to you my problem with my ex-bf. I hope it doesn't offend you in anyway. I loved my ex. I was with him for 9 months. But his understanding of love and my neediness for love conflicted greatly. He wasn't capable of loving me the way I needed a partner to love me. He was a good guy. I was too much for him, and he was too little for me.

I don't talk a lot about it because we don't know what it is, but my fiance has some sort of learning, mental, and physical disabilities. But he is able to provide me with the amount of love I need from a partner, and I help him in the areas he needs help in (mostly physical labor).

Maybe this will show you how non-judgemental I am. Past people I dated: 2 with Asperger's, 1 blind, 1 cross dresser, a black guy, my fiance, and a shy guy. I've had friends from all walks of life. I even had a friend who had MS, a quadrapolegic, one who had hep a b and c, Schizophrenia, etc. I accept people for who they are and where their at. Doesn't mean I get along with everyone, allow everyone into my life, or care about everyone.

But I do care about you

You know Scarlet, I don't think you fully comprehend how awesome you are! I'm reading your responses, and just had to say it out loud!

It's difficult. I see my strengths, but I also see my weaknesses. I see how my mental health has affected my life. I have seen and heard the disappointment from others that I can't meet my potential. Sometimes it makes me hate my strengths because they only raise other's expectations of me. My hope is to meet my potential wherever I'm at in life and to surround myself with people who can accept me for me: mental illness and all. All I can do is be me. I didn't choose my strengths and weaknesses, but it's what I have to work with.

Those are really beautiful pictures of the beach. I love the beach so much. Hope you are doing ok today x

Those pictures are amazing.

I haven't been to the beach in 9 years. Last time was when my fiance proposed. I love it. Just was too afraid to go out for so long.

And I feel proud of myself for going. Driving in an area that's crowded with people... Luckily there wasn't too many people around me where I went. But I didn't know that until I got there. I'm glad I went. Now I know I can do it when I want to go again.

Missing my T

I don't want to go to group today. I'm kinda tired of it. And I don't want to see the new T. I sent her a text yesterday morning, and I think it might have crossed a boundary because she didn't respond. I didn't say anything bad per se. I simply told her I wasn't the first to report my T, and I told her I need her to be 100% honest. I knew not to email. She doesn't think it's private enough to protect confidentiality. And I didn't want to call. Plus it wasn't an emergency. I just don't want to continue with her if I can't trust her.

I guess I'm depressed tonight because I don't feel like doing anything. I'm even irritated with my dogs I told my fiance to love them for me tonight because I can't.

I just am missing my T so much tonight. I want to look at a picture to remember what she looks like, but it will only make things worse. I can't read her emails or look at the books she had me buy. But I want her to still be with me somehow.

I'm so envious. A part of my soul is only satisfied when I am on a beach in the ocean.

Great job going to the beach on your own! How freeing

As for the T situation, I'm sorry. Why do you think you crossed a boundary? Is it just because she didn't respond or were there agreements made? Part of being in DBT is that you have access to someone 24/7 in some form while doing DBT group therapy (my clinic has a coaching line and the various therapists take turns being "on call").

I hope you find some peace and rest.

Scarlet, I don't think you crossed a boundary by texting the new t -- and the fact that she didn't respond doesn't mean she thinks so either. My t as a rule doesn't respond to anything that doesn't require him to (like moving an appointment or something). It's not a bad sign she didn't respond. It is something to bring up next session and clarify how you and her will handle such messages.

Scarlet,

First, I agree 100% with Gullioche. You are an amazing person.

Second, I agree with Kraken. A lot of therapists don't respond to clients unless they either ask a question that requires an answer or specifically asks for a response. She might have read what you wrote as a request to please be honest, thought "Yes, I can do that. We can definitely discuss it Thursday", and filed it away. You and your T are in the early stages of getting to know each other and this is an area where the policies need to be made explicit, including you explaining to her how you react when you don't get a response, and how you react to various kinds of responses, so she is aware and can take that into account, which for her might involve explaining her thought process, DBT skills, something else, or some combination.

Anyway, you don't have to wait long now, Thursday I here! Good luck today.

(((hugs))) ~~~~~~ocean waves^^^^^hills in the background

I don't see how you crossed a boundary. Sometimes Ts don't respond unless they are asked specific things or given instructions. I hope group was okay if you went.

Idk. I'm just scared to do something wrong. I really don't know what the boundaries are. She said to call her in an emergency before I act on my thoughts. But is that the only time to call? I can't write emails. But I really felt it was important to bring up my need for honesty.

Even all this makes me sad. I knew my ex-T's boundaries. And I knew how she would reach if I pushed one. I miss that. I miss the known.

Maybe I didn't do anything wrong with ex-T, but I feel more hypervigilant? with this new T's boundaries. This is one of the parts of relationships I struggle with. I try so hard to be "perfect" to make sure they like me, and if the relationship grows, for them to not to leave.

I hope you all are right. I just don't want to mess this up from the start.

I think I crissed a boundary because she didn't reply. I don't know what all the boundaries are.

I don't understand having access to someone 24/7. I don't get it. Like how is that appropriate. My problems are usually at night. I don't want to wake her up. She works 70hrs a week, has a huge family, and has already had a heart attack. The woman needs sleep.

She didn't mention any other number. So idk.

The 24/7 is for skills coaching. The idea is that someone coming into DBT needs help and it's not always at convenient times. How your T works with that piece is up to her, but one of the key aspects that gets repeated me time and again is that this is a collaborative effort between equals.

What that means is that reaching out, asking about boundaries, communicating needs - that's all expected and encouraged. You may not always get what you want, but communication is really a huge part of things. It's a collaboration - you get to work together to figure out the boundaries. If she didn't respond, you don't have facts and you don't know why. Could be she was busy. Could be she just didn't think it needed responding to. I email my T all the time and I'm very particular if I need a response that way he knows to respond to me.

It's her job to take care of herself. But I know the instinct to take care of your T as well.

That's where I also have issues. If the relationship is based upon equals, then I want to care also. Idk. Too exhausted to think atm.

But I will talk to about these things. I need to know boundaries in order to respect her. And vice-versa.

I'm just used to my ex-T's boundaries. I'm used to emails, not text and phones. I'm used to calling only in emergencies. And not having access 24/7. But I guess I'm going to have to get used to it.

I'm confused. (Which is not uncommon for me.)

How on God's green earth do you know that your new T works 70 hour weeks, has a large family and has had a heart attack?

Haven't you had, like, one session with her? Maybe two?

I don't know, but seems like this T has no damn boundaries either if you already know her medical history, work schedule and family size. What's next week's session? Her gynaecological records and a brief retelling of the year she turned seven?

Ummm...lol. I have only seen her once. And I more a few more things than I wrote. I don't mind. I'm glad to know (minus the heat attack and 70hrs a week).

You've seen her once? Did she tell you all this stuff? Or is this just stuff you've, *ahem*, gleaned from various sources?

Everything I found online, she told me our first session and more. She said "Let me tell you a little bit about myself". Oh, the only thing I did know that she didn't bring up is where her second job is at. It was listed on Linkedin

Oh yeah, and her home address and phone number I found online. I told her to fix that.

I have my 2nd session in 18mins