My T Left Me...Part 2

I guess I must channel Stopdog in my sessions. In our first session my therapist asked if I wanted to know anything about her and I said nope and went on to talk about myself, as that's sort of the point of me being there. It's a very expensive getting to know you session otherwise. I'm not paying someone to find out how big their family is and what their cardiac health is like.

I guess some people like to know things about their therapists though, sounds like you'll know all about yours in fairly short order!

Good luck Scarlet! Let us know how it goes

Better than it taking a long time I don't mind. I like knowing a little bit.

It went good. I have some issues still. One, I'm confused about touch. But I don't feel like talking about that right now. Two, I worry about her health. Three, she says she's not judgmental, but she said something tonight that was judgmental. That actually really bothers me. I did email her about it. She used the excuse that she was just stating facts. But when you use facts about someone else to make yourself feel better, that's being judgmental.

Also, she said she is NOT available to me 24/7 right now. Because I'm not in their DBT group, she is not my DBT therapist. She is my individual therapist until then. I find that odd, but whatever.

She said that when she is available to me 24/7, if I call, then I have to be willing to follow her advice. I told her I would, but only if the coping skills are agreed upon beforehand. She looked confused. I told her that if her advice is to do something like jumping jacks, I'm going to tell her no.

When I told her about my ex-T, she asked that I please not take her to court. I said that if she doesn't abandon me, I won't.

I did learn one thing from her today. I've been using the wrong type of coping skills when I'm depressed. No wonder they weren't working I kept trying to calm myself down when I'm depressed. She said that's good, but what helps most is to the opposite. So when I'm depressed, my emotions are low, so I should do something to increase my mood: something I enjoy, a funny movie, comedians, etc. When I'm anxious, that is the best time to use calming coping skills since my emotions are high. Makes sense. I'll have to give it a try.

I'm not sure about her though. Are all these things warning signs? Or could they simply be her flaws? No one is perfect. How do I know if she's a good fit for me. I am filled with so much self doubt because of ex-T. I don't want to invest into a relationship that won't work. How do you know? I want it to work (mostly because I don't want to go T shopping). And I do like her. She has a great personality. We were laughing a lot today. But idk. Something feels off. Like we're not in sync. This is going to sound conceited, but I think I'm smarter than her. But she does have a lot of life experience.

My head/logic is sure conflicting with my heart/emotions a lot lately. I wish I knew which one is right. Do I quit? Keep going? I don't know if I can handle looking for another T. I wish things were more clear right now. There's too much unknown.

(((Scarlet)))
Give it some time, and don't pour your whole self into the relationship too soon. Keep yourself safe, and accept that no one is perfect. Maybe this relationship will work, maybe it won't. You don't know yet, but unless you give it a chance you never will.
FWIW, I felt like I was smarter than previous T, and I felt like I made her feel inadequate and I should hide my intelligence from her... I don't know how much of that was just transference, but I will say there are all kinds of intelligence. You are probably smarter than her in some ways, and she smarter than you in others.

i'm glad it went well SP. like JustShakey said, don't invest too much in the DBT therapist relationship. from personal experience i found DBT therapists to be much more 'lighthearted' than individual therapists and less intense. but i think DBT could really help you, so i would keep going.

I agree with JS and BO. DBT sounds like it might really help. I'd say, try it and see how it goes. I'm glad it went well, too.

Can you share what she said? Sometimes I feel like I hear something as judgmental because of the state of mind that I'm in. And taking a nonjudgmental stance doesn't mean we never make judgments it just means we are aware of them and check facts before making them (if they're necessary).

This makes sense. The idea is that once you've gone through all the skills, you don't need the 24/7 support. It's basically skills coaching.

Willingness is key. She's going to suggest a skill not a specific action necessarily For example, if I call my T and I'm struggling with SUI thoughts or SI urges, he'd probably suggest I go for a walk or I call a friend, or urge surfing or distraction and he'll work with me on how to implement that. When I've been in high emotion, I've had him talk me through facts, so I check the facts and realize my emotion intensity doesn't fit the situation and we get me back down to manageable levels.

Good advice

I'd say it's too soon to quit. She's a person. She's going to say and do dumb things (yup, judgment) at times. My T certainly has. And my T has actually told me I'm smarter than him

The sync thing might just be a time factor. You might just need to keep those lines of communication open so you can learn this new relationship. It might be a personality thing in which case, I'd encourage you (later) to find a DBT T that fits your personality.

Opposite to emotion works here. There's fear and apprehension and instead of avoiding, the goal is to move forward towards that which we are afraid of. I've been doing that myself this week. It's a lot harder than it sounds

I have just been shopping for a new T, and I identify with you not wishing to do this, I was impatient to re-start therapy, and found the shopping hard. I saw one T, didn't feel she was right for me, came out of the appoinmtent and straight away called another and made an appointment, but she couldn't see me for two weeks, it was hard having to wait. That T was the 6th one I have tried in the last year. However, within about 20 minutes of being in the room with her when my appoinmtent finally came round, I had the great feeling that I have finally found the T for me. I know other posters have urged you to give this one a go, but I'm thinking the opposite. Maybe you should trust your judgement? On this website there is a questionnaire somewhere about good therapy and it says that one of the predictors of successful therapy is that the relationship felt right from the start.

Could you try out others so you have something else other than the old therapist to compare her to? I liked trying them out so perhaps I am not usual.

I didn't mean to imply she's dumb. She's not. And I know she's smarter than me in some areas and has different strengths and weaknesses. My fear is that I might be smarter than her in psychology. I had a T quit once before because of this. But I'm usually very humble? about my intelligence. I worked as a math tutor for learning disabled students. I didn't do that to feel superior. I did that to pass on some techniques I learned to help them reavh their goals of understanding math and completing college. My issue is that this is my T's field. I do expect a higher level of knowledge in this field.

But...the one good thing...I'm not skilled at DBT. I know the basics and understand the concepts, but I'm still very much a novice. So maybe that's the area of knowledge I have to stay focused on instead of psychology?

I don't know how to not invest in a relationship that includes me being vulnerable and revealing personal information about me.

If it helps, I'm invested with my T and he's invested in me. We've worked together for six years. Right now I'm going through some stuff with him, but he continues to stick it out and help me.

It's a real relationship. I've had other DBT Ts say they get attached to their clients too. So. Idk. Just food for thought.

I haven't quit yet I do find her interesting. I'm just scared to make some unknown mistake with her because of ex-T. I'm still scared of people. But that might be all this is: my fears. That's why I'm doing a reality check with you and the others. To make sure I keep a balanced perspective.

There's a difference btwn judgment and judgmental. We all make judgments...even babies and animals. It's a necessary part of life to keep us safe. But to me, and maybe I'm wrong, but to use judgments to make yourself feel better or to put someone else down is inappropriate. Something that someone with a non-judgmental stance shouldn't do.

She's going to a reunion. They were mean to her last time. She's going this time to show all that she's accomplished (a healthy aspect). But then she started getting into how they look old and wrinkled and she's not. And that their choices to do drugs caused that.

Here's my email in response:
Sorry to write yet again. This isn't important to discuss, but something you said bothered me. It was about your reunion. You might have said "facts" about your past ex-classmate, but you are using those facts to make you feel better about yourself. That's passing judgment. You're a beautiful woman no matter what your age is. There's no need to compare yourself to them. You don't know where their life has taken them, and they don't know yours. Be proud of yourself, but for who you are and what you've done, not because of who they aren't and what they haven't done.
I'm trying to move forward, but it's really scary for me. All of this is. I am still struggling w/o ex-T, I'm still scared of people, and I'm pretty emotionally exhausted from all this. But I also don't want to self-sabotage or make a rash decision.

I'm sorry, but this all isn't easy for me

I mostly liked her from the start. Yesterday, I was easily able to talk to her about my history. And like I mentioned, we were actually laughing a lot yesterday. I just don't trust myself anymore I think is what it comes down to. That, and I have a history of staying with bad Ts long-term trying to make it work. How do you know when the problem is them and not you?

I'll look up that questionnaire. Ty

I think it's interesting that she felt comfortable to share that and that you were able to respond. I'll be curious as to how to responds to it

Don't apologize for it not being easy. It isn't easy and it's okay that it's not easy. What's important is that you *are* moving forward even in the middle of all this pain.

Okay, i was only trying to help. I meant to try not invest too much if you could help it that's all.

Hmm. That would be good to try, but I can't afford it. I can barely afford this one at her sliding scale rate. And I already informed her that I can't afford the extra $100 a month for group and so they said they'll help out somehow. Now if my fiance's job would pay him....

I need it to be a real relationship. But I need it to also be one that works. I'm not looking for a replica of ex-T. In fact, new T is nothing like ex-T except they're both beautiful, but in different ways. They look and act nothing alike.

At this point, I'm 75% certain this is just me. But I just don't want to waste time or money though.

And fiance likes her, so that's a plus.

And she was accepting when I told her I'm romantically attracted to men, but not emotionally...emotionally I'm attracted to women. She actually said that makes sense and wasn't weird.

Idk. I'm just scared and confused.

I know you were trying to help. I appreciate it. I think you meant like don't jump in...test the waters? I'm not good at that, though right now that would be best. To take my time with this. I need to. I need to work on just being present and not thinki g ahead.

Yep that's what i meant I agree with staying in the present. Looking to the future always makes me so anxious.

I was signed out till tonight but I kept thinking about Brown Owl's post and felt compelled to sign in again to modify what I posted.

It does sound, from what I learned about DBT from here and google, that DBT has a lot that would make it a good choice for you right now. I'm thinking of the skills but also about the fact that, even though therapy is a relationship, the focus is larger than that. There is a bigger structure and also a connected group, which hopefully will help to balance some of the intensity of the one on one therapy and make it not so isolating. And the therapist so far, from what you posted about her, sounds competent enough to me. I liked her advice about depression and a lot of what else she said, and she seems good enough with boundaries.

I didn't want to say this at first because you say you strongly don't want to do this, but interviewing a couple of therapists, especially DBT ones, at this stage could be a good idea so you can get a sense of how different people operate and how you connect with a few people. Right now at the beginning, therapy shopping is still perfectly reasonable and having a therapist already might take some of the anxiety out. Then if you stay with the therapist you have, which sounds likely, there will be less chance of the "what it's" surfacing.

Okay, this is definitely in the category of, "Take what works for you and leave the rest."

I hope today is good.

The money thing. I was writing this email while most of these were posted.

Being in the group may help keep things with your T in perspective.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with shopping around, and at the same time, it sound like there's at least enough positives with this T that it's worth it to see how it goes for a little longer.

Just keep posting and hopefully we can help you check the facts on it