My T Left Me...Part 2

Aw. Sleeping doggies! Want snugglez!
I don't care what anyone says, love is a very difficult emotion/feeling/thing/whatever (see, I don't even know what it is exactly...). I very much doubt anyone has it all figured out. Me, I just try to do my best with what I know and what I have and try not to worry too much about what I don't know. Easier said than done...

You're doing amazing btw - you're inspirational.

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I'm impressed you were able to make sense of what I wrote You put it into words way better than me!

Aww nervous puppy. I'm so sorry about your T. Our situation is very similar when it comes down to the loss of a T. They both will no longer be a part of our lives. There's no traditional "termination". Sorry, I'm really bad when it comes to expressing myself about death. I have difficulty balancing sincere empathy and not coming off as insensitive. I'm too blunt sometimes.

Lots and lots of hugs for you

About the lotus. I know that story. One of my tattoos is that for that reason. To show that something can be born and grow in darkness and emerge as something beautiful.

Your post is well written. The fairy dust... it's cute. It reminds me of what my college counselor called "warm fuzzies". She would give me these glass stones. And when I needed her but she couldn't be there, I would rub the stones in my hand. The stone would warm up and remind me of the warm fuzzy feelings I have when I'm with her.

Your post actually reminds me of something I wrote:The Beauty of Pain

It's just so hard to remember when you're in the thick of it. But it is the little things in life that make the biggest differences. It's one of the reasons my biggest goal right now is not locking myself in the house. The sun, sky, smell of tress, grass, ocean, the sounds of birds, breezes, children's laughter, a smile, a butterfly, hummingbird, a flower...there are so many beautiful things around us all. I have to remember that those things compromise of much of my life as the highs and lows of relationships. And it's the simply gestures btwn people. A smile, a wave, a hug, a hello, etc.

It reminds me of one time, a year ago, I had just started going out grocery shopping. My anxiety was starting to get the best of me. Then all of a sudden a little girl, maybe 3 or 4, says "excuse me miss, excuse me miss". She goes "I just wanted to tell you I think you're beautiful". Omg, that made my heart melt. That little girl, those simple words (and you know children are bluntly honest at that age), it made me feel so good. It was the first time I lasted the whole grocery shopping experience. And if I would have locked myself away, I would have never saw her.

So thank you for reminding me of the little things

And yes we do have dolphins in our ocean. Not sure when or how close to the shore they come. We also have seals and whales...and sometimes sharks.... I haven't actually touched the ocean water in like 9 years Sad when I live so close.

Wow... your tattoo is really stunning! And your pups are seriously too cute.

Just wanted to pop on and send you some more hugs, in case the ones you already have have started to get a little dusty. New hugs for everyone!

You're tattoo! Wow! Absolutely striking! Love the colors! Thanks for the pic!

Looks like I found my next T. She will be calling me back before 8pm tonight to schedule an appt. I'm so nervous! This is the place my T told me not to go to, and it's just down the road from her. But it's real DBT. They're all trained. And they're going to let me finish group at county first. I hate that I have to pay out-of-pocket. I will have no money at the end of the month. But if it helps, that's what's important, right?

I love your tattoo Scarlet. So pretty

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Good luck Scarlett!!!! I really hope it works out with this new T, my fingers and toes are crossed for you. I hope she's fantastic, and that she lots of experience with your issues, and has helped so many people that she's super-confident she can help you too (but not so confident that she's arrogant or doesn't listen to you!)

I hope it goes well!

Paying is hard.... you know, my T is super expensive, and not in-network for my insurance (so I'm going to have to fit for a tiny bit of reimbursement, once I meet the crazy high deductible). It causes me extra stress that feels a little bit unfair (like, geez, do I really need to nearly go broke to get mental health help?) But, I think you're right. If you can get help with her... then doing whatever you need to pay for it will be worth it. As I said before, I think you're awesome - and I absolutely believe that you've got a ton to offer the world. I hope that with therapy, you'll believe that too!

And... so your state insurance doesn't cover it at all? Not even as an out-of-network provider?

Good luck!!!

Nope. Medi-Cal only usually covers 8-16 individual sessions per year for adults. I saw my T for a total of 72 sessions. Since they approve by blocks of time, they most likely will not approve again this year. And even if they did, it would be for 8 sessions and then we'd have to fight for more. I doubt a new T will be willing to take on that fight. And then you have to take into account that my T told Medi-Cal (actually the head of Medi-Cal and the head of Optum - Optum oversees mental health for Medi-Cal in San Diego) that it was her opinion that individual therapy isn't beneficial to me, and they agreed. It's a battle I'm just not sure I have the strength to fight. Last time I fought, I spent so much emotional energy, I had a breakdown, and went to a crisis house (also because of my fiance breaking my elbow). I'm already in a fragile state and don't think fighting Medi-Cal is a practical choice atm.

But I just talked to the T. I will be seeing her next Thursday at 7:30pm. That's really late to be traveling down to where she's at. 40 miles away... I won't get back home till 9 something. But she said that we can try to fund a better time in the future. She also said that she will work with me on the finances. I told her the $50 a week is doable, but when I start their group, $75 is really above my budget. After I pay my normal bills, I only have $240 left at the end of the month I know my fiance will help, but he has a lot of debt himself...$16k. And this month we found out we both need about $5k of dental work each which would be another $250 monthly payment each

I hope this T works out. She really seems nice. She's in her 50's which is good. If I do develop an attachment, our age difference will make it less awkward. But I'm scared of getting attached again. I didn't want to with last T. It just happens.

Is attachment even allowed in DBT?

Then there's trust issues, now severe abandonment issues... I'm so scared to start over!

How do you start over?

Last time I started over right after ending with a T, I found a bad T. I stayed with her for 2 years just because I was afraid to look for anyone else

I wish I was healthy enough to hold down a job so I could support myself better and have more options.

Hi Scarlet,

First, hugs. Just because.

Just a thought. You still have some hours left with the county clinicians, don't you? Specifically for helping you with your transition to a new T, right? How about making an appointment with transition T after your first appointment with new prospective T and run your first impressions by them? In addition to discussing your needs and concerns with prospective T, of course.

By the way, will you want pocket riders for the drive and/or the session? No backseat drivers I presume.

As far as MediCal, could the advocate do the MediCal stuff for you and just report back on the results or is that not a good option?

This is clearly advice night at Chez Rags.

My next thing on here is to read your blog post you linked to me in your response. Thanks for that by the way.

Rags

I just read the blog post you linked to me. After yesterday's T session this is oh so timely. Thank you. It's a hard lesson, that you can't just leave your old self behind and start new but, unfortunately, there's no getting around it. Or maybe fortunately. Like you said, working through pain gives us its own kind of wisdom.

I looked through the rest of your blog just a little. I'm going to read this. I'm not sure what to say other than you use your life, all of it not just the easy parts, to add wisdom to the world. I imagine that takes a good amount of courage. I respect that tremendously.

You know, even though I started to get to know you at a bad time for you, knowing you has helped me more than you know.

Okay, any more squishy stuff and someone will mistake me for a marshmallow and toast me. Somemores anyone?

If I tell the county I found an individual T, they won't let me see their T. As much as I pride myself on honesty, I think this is one time that I should just omit the truth. Having two sources of supoort, county to help establish a relationship with a new T and new T to help me process this termination and start DBT, would be beneficial. And technically, they will never know because one is insurance and the other is cash. So yeah, great idea

I will take as many pocket riders as are willing to pile in. Actually, can it be purse riders? I only have one pair of pants and one skirt with pockets... And no back seat drivers allowed Actually, my fiance said he will come with me. I don't know if he will be allowed into the session, but it will be nice having him there either way.

I'm not sure if the advocate will tackle Medi-Cal right now. She needs a denial and a case number in order to start the appeal. And again, then I will need to find a T willing to go through that process. Most doctors HATE Medi-Cal. There's just too much paperwork and such. Plus, the potential T doesn't take Medi-Cal. So if I stay with the new one, there's no point to involve Medi-Cal.

As for my website, I try to keep it focused on information or positive outlooks. My actual blog part, where I write about actual experiences, is the only part I allow myself to write the negatives. I just wanted a place to put everything I learn and share it with others. It also allows me to write as much as I want. It's funny though. Looking at my stats, people from France LOVE my Anne Geddes page. I get more hits off that than anything else

And someone suggested I write out my experience with this termination. So I sat down tonight and wrote it all out in a blog post. It really felt good. It's in black and white, out there for the whole world to read. I doubt it, but it would be funny if my T read it. She does know about my site. Doubt she cares though. She probably doesn't even think about me. But I didn't write it for her or anyone else. Just for me. Just so I no longer need to hold it to remember. It's there, it's real. And hopefully it will help me let go a little...

I'm glad my web post helped you some. I'm happy if I can help anyone in any way. I truly believe that every person holds a truth to life. They have lessons and wisdom. If I gain even a grain of that knowledge, I want to pass it forward. Even my T. Even though she has caused me an immense amount of pain, she has taught me a lot. And if I am truly honest with myself, I would still choose to have had my relationship with her even if I knew beforehand that she would cause me this much pain. She left a hole, but she also added to my being. Nothing will ever fill the hole she left, but I can build around it to minimize it's appearance. I can build with what she's given me, what everyone here has given me, and what I will gain from others in the future. It hurts, but growth hurts.

Oh...and you can be as marshmallowy as you want. I don't eat them. I like the taste, but they make me sick

Sorry. I really do write too much

3:44am. I hate night time. I miss her. I want so badly to call or email or send her a letter. I don't understand.

I wrote a thread on here months back about love. My T told me that her concern cones from a place of love and that she wanted me to feel loved and safe when with her. She also taught me that love is a choice. Why did she choose to stop loving me? If she only terminated with me because she felt she couldn't help me therapeutically anymore, why did she kick me out of her life completely. And if love is a choice, why can't I seem to choose to stop loving her? Amd she told me that right now my need, on Maslow's Hierarchy, is love. Why then did she take her love away?

And how do I know I love her? Well, she also taught me that love is not about one's self. It's about attending to needs. Self love is attending to your needs; love of others is attending to their needs. She has requested me to no longer contact her. I love her by respecting that.

But it's killing me internally. I have to let her go, but I can't. I have so many questions, so much I want to know and learn from her. I want closure and there will never be closure with her.

I know so many concepts, so many coping skills... I understand logic. Like feelings effect thought which effects behaviors which effect each other. Or that emotions are not permanent. Or that I will survive this. I can even challenge my perspective. For example, would I rather lose my T or lose my dog. My dog is more important to me. But the emotions...to be in the admist of it all...all I feel is pain. It's so horrible. It puts me right back to all the other trauma in my past. That desperation, desolation, anguish... If I am stronger now, if I have more support in my life still than I did in the past, then why does it hurt the same? Why does it make me crumble so?

I remember someone posting to my thread about the seasons of people. I know my T was only in my life for a "reason", but I believe she left too soon. And I wanted her to be a lifetime relationship. Is it even possible to have that love, not the romatic type but the emotional, for a person who will stay in your life? That is what I want. Just one person. One person who I can love with my entire emotional being who will stay. Who will love me in return. Is that unrealistic? I really need to clarify that it's emotional love. The love that I have had for women in my life is completely different than the love I have for my fiance, family, friends, or even pets. Is that not love?

I wish I understood this concept of love! I don't get it. I don't get relationships! I don't get people! Am I that different from everyone? Or am I the same? And if I'm the same, then why can't I maintain any relationship outside of romantic and family and acquaintances?

My group facilitator made a comment this week to me. She said that I'm really good at socializing and communicating. I told her thank you, but too bad I'm not good with relationships. She said that socializing and relationships are one in the same. I don't think that's true. If it's true, then why do I struggle with relationships???

Ugh! Pain sucks!

I'm not nearly as good with words as you are, and I'm finding them hard to come by right now so...

Scarlet....you make great sense! I love reading your blogs! I cannot put into words the way I feel about the loss of my T and the way the termination ended. You capture my feelings so well, and I so appreciate you! Today is one year to the day that I had my "termination session." I have never had the closure that I needed and I don't understand the intense feelings I continue to have one year later. I wish the best for you!

Scarlet,
Forgive me if you've already answered this question. Did you email your therapist and request a formal termination session? And either she didn't respond or said no?

And yes, the nights are hard, I agree.

I am sorry I did not mean to come across as trivializing my experience. What I really wanted was for you to know that by reading your thread, I was able to take a step back and see my stuff in a different way. By you writing about what is going on with you and what you are doing to make it better is helping others. It is helping me.
The internet can be a "funny" place. I can say hello and 10 people can take it to mean 10 different things.
Keep writing. If and when you do feel more comfortable with PM's and relationships, I would love to get to know you better. I am very impressed with the way you express yourself. You can be an inspiration to others.
I just had to click on your trigger warning message. I am glad I did. I went through a very similar experience with my 1st beagle. Keep sharing and Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

The nights are hard Pam yeah. ^^

Hope you find some kind of resolution Scarlet.

Take that back
Your writing is so obviously helping so please do not stop. I clicked on your blog and after I finish the dishes, clean my clutter, and do the floors, I will be back to check it out in more depth. I just recently discovered the world of blogging and am so amazed at what people are able to create.
and again please do not stop writing. I will be honest I read your posts and skip over most of the others. When I have more time, I will have to go back and read about the support and wisdom others are sharing with us.

No words for once, Scarlet. Just a tight hug that's going to last for as long as you need it. I hope now that it's morning you're in a better place, at least more tolerable.

I love learning about you through your writing. I just wish there wasn't so much pain involved.

Morning PC.

I survived another night. I'll reply in a bit. Just want to be lazy. But here's another sleeping puppy pic

When I read this from her reply:
I wrote her:
She wrote me:
So yes, I asked for the an appropriate termination process and she said no

I'm happy if my writing helped you. And I am an open book for the most part. I prefer to stay anonymous in all my online relationships, but since I have no friends irl, most people have no clue who I am anyways! But I will at some point be more open for individual conversations, and I will PM you when that time comes.