Couch 91 - Forget the small change

That's exactly what the stbx would do. That and start angrily blaming me whenever anything upsetting happened to him.
You can't add anything new to the discussion otherwise they'll twist it and throw it back in your face. Basically you just stick to repeating their lines - usually they'll have go-to phrases that they use over and over. Try to use those on them before they can use them on you. It shuts them down cold.
Be warned though, it is utterly emotionally exhausting. You can't let them see that you're any way affected by the hurtful things they're saying. You're reflecting them, giving themselves back to them, essentially closing the loop and refusing to give them the feedback they crave.

Delurking briefly....

T session today was pretty uncomfortable. I'm currently researching the concept of fluid gender identity. Which feels like a very useful concept but I don't know how much it actually applies to me, and if so, how much is caused by me growing up being a daughter instead of the wished-for son, or by me passing as a boy for several years as a preteen (which I still haven't told T about), or by me being very unfeminine both in terms of looks and interests, or by the undeniable fact that I am simply very unattractive, to people of either (or any) gender, or by more personal things that I won't bore you with. It probably doesn't matter what causes it, and it's never going to be possible to see what is cause and what is effect, but I don't know what to do with this new, potential, way of thinking about myself. Not that it would or could change anything in how I live, so it probably doesn't matter anyway. But it makes me a bit uncomfortable to sit on these thoughts all the same - not because I have a problem with the notion of non-binary gender, but simply because it's strange and unfamiliar for me to think of myself in those terms. And T is on his Easter break next week, so I'll have to sit on this without discussing it until the 7th.

One thing to remember is that people who come here are in various stages of recovery or whatever and sometimes people seem to take out their issues on the forum. It's not personal really. At least I have learned not to take things personally. Therapy is a stressful experience for most people.

Hi Mast!

Mast, I'm crazy busy the next several hours, but I'm going to come back to this post later tonight once I get home. I've been thinking about gender lately as well and am definitely interested in throwing some ideas out there for you all to dissect.

Thank you for this. I'll start paying attention to their go-to phrases.

Okay *nooooowww* I'm really going to IKEA.

If you can't validate me because of T stuff, please validate my love of IKEA.

Thank you.

Nowhere, validation coming right up!! I recently took down all my personal mementos at work, and put up a few signs with uplifting positive messages such as "choose happiness" and "live with intention" to sort of surround myself with positivity. Negativity is so so contageous, and positivity is just fleeting and hard to catch. Good for you!!

JS, my ex was the same way, and though I never knew it was a "technique" I used to give him the blank face/mirror as well. It IS hella emotionally draining, but better than a shouting match or a call to the police. . .

Have a great day couch!!

Nowhere you were posting the same time as me!!! I was validating you before your 2nd request.

Um... What can the real estate agent do?

That is really weird. My back transfers the mortgage from my pay account automatically. I can't believe a bank wouldn't do that.

I agree, negative thoughts are lot more accessible than positive thoughts for a lot of us. Shifting attention to the positive ones can be like blowing gently on a spark until it becomes a small flame.

positive thoughts are few and far between for me. i'm such a pessimist.

My reality is that they move us from rut to rut. And back again. But every time you leave a rut it becomes shallower.

So am I, so am I.

Yeah... Although... One of the stbx's 'things' was to start raging at me out of nowhere over some small thing - like not answering the phone on the first ring or not opening the door for him fast enough. So I would start before he could. A decent amount of yelling was still involved but at least the days-long sulk was avoided. Gods I am glad that man, sorry, overgrown manchild is (mostly) out of my life.

Eta: I didn't fully realize what I was doing either til I read that bit... I'm not sure how good it is to be doing it too much though - abusive behavior is still abusive behavior even if you're mirroring someone else's. Which brings me back to why I'm thinking about posting a thread. Where should the line be drawn with this technique?

The real eststae call the council who send out the possum trapping guy. And have the roof fixed.

My roast chicken turned out very nice. Thank you

Roast chicken. Omnomnom...

Passes the roast chicken to js and leaves some on the coffee table for other hungry couchies

Today i feel what my t would say is stable. Hopefully i can sustain this feeling til tues when i see him. Let the countdown begin.

Mast delurking made me think of romulans decloaking and im pulling out the next gen vids.

Just noticed my post count was on an odd number. This will fix it

Now i want to make it 4800. I dont know where this thing is coming from, i count when i walk but only in 3/4 time. Go figure

I will check in later.