conflicted

I've had a (not totally unexpected, but often ignored) stressor come to a head lately. I know I could talk about it in T, but I feel like it would be a waste of time. We are more time limited now because of this stressor. I really want to move ahead with the trauma stuff, but at the same time, I'm having trouble not totally panicking and shutting down over the housing issue. I don't want to keep only getting to this point in my trauma work then having to stop again.
Would it be worth asking T if she could help me find additional support around the housing stuff? I still really just want to focus on the trauma stuff with her, but I need help with the other stuff too.
My head feels like it's going to explode. I alternate between a flurry of activity (that ultimately gets me nowhere) and being frozen in fear (which obviously gets me nowhere).
There's some potential for housing help in the area I want to move to, but the catch is that I need to be up there to access the help (and it would be a huge role-reversal as I would be seeking help from an organization I used to work for).
I don't know what to do. I don't even know if any of this even makes sense.
There's so much stuff I still want to address with T before I move, but I have no clue how to prioritize it. She's been offering extra sessions the last few weeks, but I am not sure how long that will last. I also have trouble accepting them because I feel like it's a test to see if I think I am worthy of wasting more of her time (totally a transference thing, and I know that. she knows about the transference, but not necessarily this part of it)... I worry about pissing her supervisor off, though I'm pretty sure that's transference too... I want to tell T about all this, but I don't know how. I have written about it with the intention of giving it to her, but I never do.
I'm just hugely overwhelmed right now. I feel like I'm frantically going in circles hoping to get somewhere, but I only end up stuck in one spot. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to allow my safety to come into question because I know it's a fear reaction. It will also add too much of a distraction into the mix...
I'm resorting again to coping skills I hadn't touched in several weeks. I find myself begging whatever force has any pull with the universe to just kill me already. It's not sui so much as just really wishing something would take away all this stress. I just want it to stop. I feel totally lost with it all... and I'm freaking out to the point of helplessness. I know if I could calm myself down enough to think, I could probably figure out what to ask for or how to get out of this situation, but I can't seem to do that long enough to get anywhere with it... I want to ask T for help, but I don't want to waste her time; my ****** planning isn't her responsibility. At the same time, I have no idea how to take responsibility for anything I've done to screw up my life so badly...
I dunno... I'm just whining. I'm sorry... I have no idea what I'm asking or why I'm posting this except maybe to help get it down, or to help organize my thoughts... but this is so anything but organized. Sorry...

I've thrown myself into a total panic every grounding or relaxation technique I'm trying is making the panic worse, or triggering flashbacks... I want to leave t a voice mail, but I know it will sound rambling and confusing. she also isn't in till tomorrow (and I see her tomorrow) so I'm not sure what good it would do to take up her vm space.
I tried one of the chats to see if it could help focus me, but I wasn't making sense and the lady wasn't really helpful...

You should still leave T a voicemail. Then she'll know before you see her how you're feeling, so it could save some time. Plus she might check it remotely and could call you back.

I agree with what Lonesome Tonight says.

Leave your T a voicemail, it may give you a sense of connection and therefore support, she may pick it up and call you, and at the very least she will be ready to support you the best way tomorrow.

And if you tell her about the housing stuff, maybe she can prethink about it, and have some ideas ready for you in session, rather than having to come back to you?

Take care TWO, I can see how hard things are for you. Sending you a supportive
J

Thanks I left her a message, and it was as rambling, disjointed, and confusing as I had feared it would be. I guess now she will have a better sense of what the anxiety does to me (not that that was my goal, but hey, I'll take what I can get). I did tell her I didn;t want to waste our limited time on that stuff, but I didn;t know who to ask for help, or even what to ask for. Maybe we can brainstorm a bit tomorrow without taking up most of the session.
I tried to write some stuff down also, but it's as scattered as this post and my message to her... just trying to remember to breathe.
She doesn't access her vm outside the office, but I'm ok with that. The clinic has a crisis line if I really needed someone in the moment.
My head is still spinning despite listening to over an hour and a half worth of meditations and trying to center myself. I hate that my panic gets stirred into such a frenzy that I stop making any progress at all on anything.

I'm glad you were able to call and leave her a message! And, sorry that you've got such major stressors going on... stress sucks. Do you think you could do something active, like walking or exercising? Sometimes, I feel like it helps "burn off" the stress chemicals a bit... (like all the adrenalin because your brain mistakenly thinks there's a tiger lurking around the corner).

(((ThisWayOut)))

I feel the same way you do at times with the talking in circles and not making sense. I think it is great you wrote her letter i think it would be helpful if you did give it to her. I practice this with my partner because i to get to anxious when certain topics arise and get so overwhelmed i can not even think straight let alone make sense when i talk. I am also glad you left a message. I hope this anxiety passes for you soon.

I ended up forgetting the stuff I wrote her, so I didn't get to cover it all. We did talk a lot, and we did cover a bunch of stuff, but I'm regretting leaving her the message. She is (understandably) concerned about my ability to process the trauma stuff while dealing with the housing crisis. My goal for this week is to prove I can cope... Part of me wants to just ask her to agree to the trauma work if I agree to keep coming back in one piece. I really need to feel like I've accomplished something in life. Every time I leave therapy without getting any further on it, it feels like I've failed it again. I need at least one thing I'm not failing at...

(((ThisWayOut)))

Did your T bring up your call at all? It sounds like she must have, since she was concerned about going forward with the trauma stuff? But you didn't have time to ask her for other resources?

I'm so sorry, that sounds really really frustrating. I hate sessions like that, where you leave feeling like you missed something important... and like now something you care about and want to deal with is in jeopardy.

I really relate to feeling like you're failing at everything, I feel that way a lot lately. I don't know how to get past it, I'm so sorry. Maybe just try to find one thing you can say isn't a failure? Like, the fact that you're still alive, and still TRYING (via T) despite all the absolute crap you've been through... perhaps that's something to be proud of and consider a success, the fact that you haven't given up yet?

Do you think if you called her back and asked her to bring a list of resources for you (for the housing situation) to your next session that she'd do that? Is that something she'd have access to? Just a short message and request, nothing too complicated?

*hugs* (((ThisWayOut)))

I hope you can find outside support for the housing stuff, and put the trauma stuff on hold until you've resolved it? You are not failing. You are simply in a survival or holding pattern. And keeping your **** together during this time will show you how strong you are

There realyl are no resources. She had looked after getting my message (and yes, she addressed it. sorry I wasn't clear about that), but those resources just don't exist... at least not for me. If I were more severely disabled and on meds and not able to care for myself in the elast, they could hook me up with a case manager... or if I had HIV... but not simply because I am a hot mess emotionally, and that keeps me from being able to effectively make any strides.

but moving means losing this T, so I don't want to put the trauma stuff on hold... I know, sounds like a spoiled little brat... I'm just so tired of merely gettin started on processing then havign to stop again. It really sucks.

Now I get it. Maybe T thinks it's unfair to put a timeframe on trauma work? And it's probably a big ask to wait till after you move and transition to a new T, build up a new relationship and do the trauma work with them?
Is your T worried about the damage trauma work can do when you're not in a stable situation?

Now I get it. Maybe T thinks it's unfair to put a timeframe on trauma work? And it's probably a big ask to wait till after you move and transition to a new T, build up a new relationship and do the trauma work with them?
Is your T worried about the damage trauma work can do when you're not in a stable situation?

I would take all the extra sessions to process everything. It might seem and bit rushed but you might calm down once you get started on processing the trauma?

I'm so sorry... geez, that really sucks. I *hate* that feeling of being broken enough to need help, but not broken enough to actually be able to get it... it's really rotten and insane.

Honestly, I'm not sure what else to say... it's just such a rotten situation. And, I feel really bad b/c I know from your other postings that you've been through so many Ts, gotten bounced around so much, and that's not an effective or helpful way to address trauma. It's honestly not fair to you - and I'm not sure how you can get what you need, or what I can say that might be helpful.



I'm sorry though... I wish there was an easier way to get through this, and get help, and to keep your housing situation stable enough for long enough for you to get help!!!

this T was time-limited even before I found out I have to move ASAP. Well, the agency is time-limited, but my T is more open around it. When I had mentioned the time-limit given by the supervisor when i had initially called, she said she didn't really think of it in that sense, but more as a basic time-frame given to new clients due to funding regulations... She seemed ot be ok seeing me for longer than that span, but that was before I realized I had to move sooner rather than later.
I originally thought I would be ok with the shorter time-frame for it all, but it takes me so long to trust. I had wanted to just power through all this stuff, but T slowed the pace. I've started and stopped this with 3 T's in the past year (they left the agency, or the agency was strict on the time-limit). I'm not sure how much more I want to try again. It's really hard getting to a point of being able to talk about this stuff, but at the same time, it's with me every day in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive memroies. I keep hoping I'll get some releif through therapy, but we never get very far with it... and now it feels like the same thing is happening all over again (though this time it's all my fault. If I hadn't screwed up my credit so much, if I didn't let the flashbacks and depression get to me so much, if I wasn't a complete failure at life, it would be easier to find a place to live. I could have a job that allows me to afford living somwhere, and I could feel productive vs. like a total dead-beat loser...).

Please don't beat yourself up so much, ThisWayOut. You're doing the best you can with the current circumstances. Even my T told me once... sometimes things are just *crappy* (he used a stronger word). Then, you just do the best you can with what you've got - that's all you really can do.

Have you ever been able to try a T that does EMDR by chance? I haven't, but I've seen some people talk about it - I just wonder if it might be helpful as a quicker way to help with some of the flashbacks? Just a thought, I'm probably not telling you anything new.

I did EMDR with a former therapist, and it helped a lot. I moved though, and this T doesn't do EMDR. I would want to try it again at somepoint, but I need a T I trust. When I did it with my old T, it was pretty much just inducing flashbacks and forcing myself to walk through them without stopping. I trusted that my T would help me through it, and would know what to do if I fell apart in the middle (she did). I don't think I could just go to a T for EMDR. Even with old T, it took about 2 years before I was ok with the thought of it.

It's frustrating that I keep feeling like anything helpful is always something I have to wait for or work towards... I'm so tired of having to keep holding my breath.

i'm so sorry everything is so hard for you at the moment. it sounds really rough. i hope things start looking up