Couch 95: No title required

I can't even write a post about things without dissociating.

I'm going on holiday soon, but when I get back, I've got some tough choices.

Yes. I've got my eye on Tamborine Mountain.

Personally, I was too arrogant ever to imagine that.

That's what Hillary said!

Art's slightly tipsy post has given me my nightly giggle, so lighthearted and awesome! I've been through the wringer this week: big fight with DD1; avoiding bill collectors by 3 different phone numbers, and getting calls from annoyed friends and relatives; closing bank accounts and praying my paycheck would still make it intact; and today filling out the Massive List of Debts.

Since I'm a hoarder (no offense intended to hoarders) I have bags and boxes of old mail I've never opened (anxiety won't allow me to read the damn bills, just keep worrying over my imagination!) dating back to 2010!!!!!

Tomorrow I'm taking a business-envelope sized box to work to sort through what they need to see and what really badly needs to be shredded. I'm still missing a few contracts and agreements, but no way am I contacting them for copies!!! I'm having a quasi-panic attack just doing this much. Inanimate objects frighten me, humans might actually destroy me!!!

Tomorrow I'm finishing up paperwork and doing "credit counseling" that's mandatory, where was that when I really needed it??!! Then Friday is the appointment to part with a lot of my money, in order to part with a lot less of my money over the next few years.

Trying to fight shame and guilt around this sucks! People rob and maim and generally deserve a whooping, and I'm feeling guilty about cheating the credit card company out of interest payments.

I don't know if this helps, but Henry Ford was bankrupt three times before he started making cars.

Then hes my hero!!

SM - credit card bills equal mom for me. I acted out not being able to have anything. Anything.

Hey couch. Well I am currently in a royal mood and a half. I'm beginning to think that my h is delusional or something. Just now, we were talking about the house we're buying, about having a mortgage again and he made some asinine comment about me spending all of the money that we should be saving. I was like excuse me, I am NOT the only one who spends money in this family. He says "oh yeah? what do I spend money on?" I reminded him of the times that he has gone to the casino and played poker and lost hundreds of dollars. Like a couple nights ago. I didn't complain because I figured it was one last hurrah before we have a mortgage. He comes up with some excuse like that doesn't count. Hell-f'ing-o, it's money we don't HAVE in the bank anymore what do you mean it doesn't count?! Then I say nothing. So a couple mins later he says "my stomach is all in knots I shouldn't have said that." I said you are right, you should not have. Because now, you just earned yourself doing all the household shopping from here on out. I'm done." And now he's sulking. F'ing baby. I need a glass of wine. And the balls to say screw this marriage I want out. Did I just say that?!

I have yet to see a couple in full balance, a true equal partnership. I'm amazed people make it work at all. I only see couples where one person is doing most of the work.

I'm not getting married again until I find somebody who wants to do the work to make it an equal partnership. I don't expect it to be 50:50 all the time, but it should balance out. If I don't find that, fine. I don't need to get married again. I've worked too bloody hard to shortchange myself.

Let that inner goddess out Art!

Yeah... I'm not convinced it exists either. I suppose I should stop complaining about it and choose - put up with it or get out, huh. I told him we needed to have a serious talk when the baseball game is over. He says "But I already said I shouldn't have said that! I hated myself as soon as I did!" So what do I do? I let him off the hook. I'm just as dysfunctional as he is.

(So much for being "done" with therapy. I can be such an idiot. )

ETA: I did not cry and say he was right, at least. I can be proud of myself for that anyway.

Not at all! The challenge is to learn to talk about it without upsetting each other too much. I personally find it hard to take the emotion out of the hard conversations. I haven't been half of a couple for a million years, but I always felt like my partner would eventually slack off then I'd have all of this tension built up. Then I'd have to find a "nice" way of saying "…a little help here??"

I guess that's what's so hard for me. I'm such a naturally emotional person to begin with....

.... and I'm not having that wine after all. It would likely just make things worse....

I'm not so sure that you should have to be suppressing your natural emotions... This was a big thing with the stbx. I had to stuff down my very appropriate anger and sadness to placate him... A respectful partner will respect your emotions.

Just this week I've been learning (re-learning?) how letting myself feel calms my anxiety. I was such an anxious wreck around the stbx because I wasn't allowed to feel.

I wish I could explain it better. I think it's kind of amazing that I can see this, but I'm still so numb. Feeling is new and strange and I'm afraid of looking silly... *looks around sheepishly*

Thank you for this. I try to explain this to my h often - that I need him to let me feel my feelings - we didn't get that far this evening, though, because I didn't cry - sometimes, not every time, but sometimes I cry because I am not expressing myself in words - because I'm holding in what I need to say - so I cry instead because it has to come out somehow. But tonight I didn't hold back my words. I spoke them very clearly. And for once, to his credit, he didn't stomp off and go to bed and pout like he has in the past. Maybe he is growing a little bit out of all of this too, come to think of it. Wait...something's coming to me.... A HA!!!! OMG! You know what I did?! By NOT crying, by saying what I said, I basically handed the guilt he tried to put on me right back to him and HE had to sit with his own feelings! That is why he had knots in his stomach. Because I wouldn't take it. Whoa.

I just saw something on facebook about sensitive people. "Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to them. They don't need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are." Now this makes me cry.... because growing up, my parents tried to shame and ridicule the sensitivity out of me. I am so thankful that they did not succeed. I honestly feel this way, and I should share the following with my husband soon: my sensitivity is who I am, and if you can't love me for that, then you are not worthy of loving me.

(Typing that last sentence just now felt extremely empowering.)

Ok I've taken up enough of the couch this evening. Time for this girl to head to bed. H fell asleep in his chair so I get to hog the whole bed for awhile.

I'm not done with this conversation with him, though.

Goodnight couch! Or, good mornin!

Rock on Art! Goodnight

Hi, couch.

I am home from CVS and caught up on the couch. I should be in bed being that I have to be back at work at 9 in the morning, but I am not tired. I wish I could force myself to sleep, but I am horrible at that. Oh well, maybe I will be tired in an hour. I just need some sleep if I am going to make it through an 8 hour day tomorrow. Daytime is always so busy, I need to be alert and able to do things quickly (while still accurate).

I'm a little less worried about T's letter. Whatever is says, I don't care anymore. She called me today to see how things were going. It was strange. She asked if I was taking my medicine because by the looks of my letter it sounded like I was not. I was honest and said not on a regular basis because with my crazy schdule is it easy to forget since there isn't a set time I can take it every day. She said we will have to talk about that next session.

Well, I'd better at least go lay down, in case I can get myself to go to sleep. Night (or morning), couch.

I don't think my partner and I are too bad...I DO get stuck with most of the "caretaking" duties ( one of several reasons we don't have children)--- walking and feeding animals, making sure everyone gets meds, heartworm preventative etc, making sure we don't run out of dog or cat or parrot or horse food, cleaning cages etc.

She is more focused on things like the lawn, gutters etc...things I will just forget about until the roof caves in. When I feel things are unequal I try to remind myself that I don't even notice when the truck sounds funny or the dishwasher starts grinding away
. My partner says "if it doesn't have a heartbeat don't let Bay take care of it"

We also own a vet practice together and technically I AM her boss. That gets sticky when she doesn't follow through on something she needed to do or is late getting deposits in or something. Again though, I forget stuff and end up billing things late, etc so she is not much worse than me.

However. .There is still some imbalance. I was gone for a day. Came home and she had played computer games in her underwear the entire day and the living room was littered with diet mountain dew cans. This past Sunday she was gone and I cleaned the whole house, did laundry, cleaned parrot cages and play areas, got client paperwork done, etc etc.

I need a safe, quiet place to sit for a while.