[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm struggling with my new T a little. She has more boundaries than my ex-T. I respect her boundaries, but at the same time she's not meeting my needs.

My problem is with her showing concern and/or providing comfort. She will give me hugs after every session when I'm ready, but I'm not ready yet. She won't sit next to me on the couch, she won't rub my arm, or touch me in anyway. Her expressions (facial, posture, vocal) don't change. And now she won't provide comfort through emails...

I am struggling a lot this week. Receiving the book from ex-T has triggered my grief. I have cried every night since. Last night was the worst. I tried to get comfort from my fiance and he instead started a fight. So I emailed my T asking for comfort. She responded by saying she wants to provide me with comfort, but she has a boundary about how much she write in emails...

This isn't working out. I need to feel comforted by her. I need to know she cares. This deprivation of support and comfort only makes me want my ex-T more. I crave that comfort she used to provide me! My new T is a good T, but what are ways within her boundaries that she can comfort me? What are ways your T comforts you?

[RedSun]

My T doesn't touch me at all. She shows comfort by the tone of her voice, or the look in her eyes. I rarely email, and she would only 'comfort' in an email if I was in a real crisis,- its more for scheduling etc.
At first I did want more from her, hugs and contact between sessions.but I feel happy with it now. I am learning to use my own resources, and that's good.
It sounds really difficult for you right now, and that your ex-T would have been more comforting for you. But maybe your new T will also have something to bring you, just in a different way?

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much around all this...

I've never been one big on physical contact, so that's not really been a way I seek comfort from a T.

I've found comfort in tone of voice, presence, the words T says... I've also found it in the way I felt T understood me or was able to calm me with their words. In one difficult session with most recent ex-t, we were going over triggering things (specifically a timeline of trauma). At one point, ex-t took the timeline and moved it out of sight, pointing out that she was taking it away. I hadn't realized till she moved it that just the sight of it was triggering. I turned away every time she moved it towards me to point out specific things. She picked up on my body language and acted on making it more comfortable in the moment...

Can you find comfort in something that does not involve touch? Maybe have a conversation with T around how the lack of minimal encouragers (facial, vocal, or posture changes) makes it difficult to find comfort from her? I know it's difficult to change how you percieve comfort, but I also have a feeling you won't find the comfort you are looking for with this T (and with the way things went with last T, I think it's probably a good cautious move).

I'm sorry your husband wasn't comforting either though...

[Chummy]

I'm not really sure how/if my T comforts me. There's no toch during session, no hugs. I can email her, but I never email her when I have a sort of crisis. I'm so used to dealing with that on my own. I only email when I want to tell her something, but I'm too afraid to start talking about it in session. I think she just listens, has patience with me, she has a kind voice, she doesn't judge me.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. I would be more concerned that your fiancée isn't comforting you than about t. Personally I would be upset about his behavior way more than about t. He is your primary relationship not t.

I don't seek comfort from t. I am not in therapy for that. I would be alarmed though if I felt she needs to be main provider of comfort rather than others especially touch.

I would certainly want to explore in therapy following issues:

what does this need of comfort and touch signifies? Why isnt your romantic partner supportive of you? What is missing there? Why do you seek physical touch from t rather than in your primary relationship? Can you be comforted differently? Etc I am not asking you I am saying you should talk to t about all of this
IMHO.

She might not want to introduce touch because she knows what happened with ex t

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[rainbow8]

My T holds my hand, responds to my emails, and hugs me after every session, but that is not the primary way she provides comfort. I am comforted by knowing how much she cares about me, and how she is consistently there for me. We have a real relationship and that is comforting to me. Probably it's too soon for you to feel that way about your new T. It takes time. Can you share with her your feelings and thoughts about wanting more comfort from her? Even if she won't provide it the way you want, discussing it may be productive. Grieving is a process, and you will feel differently over time.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The problem with my fiance is he tries to fix things or gets overly comforting? So last night we were cuddling when I started to cry about ex-T. He wasn't responding expect to say "I know". I told him that I didn't find that supportive. Then he starts kissing me over and over on my back. To me, that reads romantic, so I ask him to stop. Then he gets upset because he reads that as I'm pushing him away. So he feels he needs to take action. He tells me he is going to email ex-T! Not good. So then we fight about why he can't contact her, how it will mke things worse. So he leaves the room. At which point I'm hystetical. Luckily, he has improved and he came back within 5mins and apologized. I asked for some time alone, and he gave it to me. Then I told him I was going to sleep and he came and tucked me in.

I do seek physical comfort outside my relationship with my fiance. I seek it from women. That is from my lack of touch growing up, and my need for women in my life. I don't have the same sort of bond with men as I do with women. It's not romantic or sexual in anyway. There's just a different level of comfort that women provide me with. I'm used to it from all my mother-figures I had growing up. But it's not just with older women. I had a very close friend in jr high and we would always touch. In hs, my gay bf and I would always cuddle (yeah, I know he's a guy, but similar relationship).

I know my new T probably won't budge on her boundaries with touch. And that's okay. At least I can get hugs from her when I'm ready for it.

But I don't find her comforting in any way. I've talked to her about her expressions. She said that she wasn't going to worry about it because she feels she would distract herself by being more concern with her expressions than wht I'm saying. I wish she would work on it. I asked her for simple things, least I thought were simple. I told her how people over-exaggerate their expressions with babies, not that I want her to react to me like I'm a baby. But I want to see the change in her face and voice. I suggested even whispering when I'm upet. Now, in her defense, I haven't cried with her since we talked about it. So maybe she will make changes? She said she wouldn't though.

Maybe it's the BPD, but facial expressions are important to me. Same with vocal. It's how I can read a person. My T doesn't have a flat affect, but she doesn't change from normal to concerned. She's just constantly happy. Least that's how I read her.

And I did tell her that I was trying to reach out to her this week, trying to gain some comfort. She said she wants to, but can't in an email...

Yes, a lot of this goes back to ex-T. I know new T will never be her. But I wish I could feel some sort of comfort, care, or connection with her. I'm wanting that which is a good sign that I'm wanting to connect. But I don't know how. This is all so confusing to me. I'm sure if I graduated from ex-T instead of being abandoned, my relationship with new T would be different. But here I am... She is my "rebound" T (as she put it), and there's nothing to change it. I'm trying to work with her to the best of my ability. I do talk to her, am open and honest about everything. I do like her as a T. I just....want more?

That's why I'm wondering how you all feel comforted (or cared for). But rainbow8 is probably right. I might be asking the wrong question. Maybe the better question is when: when did you start feeling comforted or cared for by your T? Is 11 weeks too soon? I'm used to having an instant connection, so this is all new to me. What's normal? How do you know when someone cares? Why can't I feel it?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Red75

My T doesn't touch me at all. She shows comfort by the tone of her voice, or the look in her eyes. I rarely email, and she would only 'comfort' in an email if I was in a real crisis,- its more for scheduling etc.
At first I did want more from her, hugs and contact between sessions.but I feel happy with it now. I am learning to use my own resources, and that's good.
It sounds really difficult for you right now, and that your ex-T would have been more comforting for you. But maybe your new T will also have something to bring you, just in a different way?

I wish I knew what the different way was. I'm not trying to mold her into a version of my ex-T. But I desperately want more comfort. I'm struggling and have little support besides my fiance. And I wish I had more of my own resources. It is a goal of mine. But I don't

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm sorry you are struggling so much around all this...

I've never been one big on physical contact, so that's not really been a way I seek comfort from a T.

I've found comfort in tone of voice, presence, the words T says... I've also found it in the way I felt T understood me or was able to calm me with their words. In one difficult session with most recent ex-t, we were going over triggering things (specifically a timeline of trauma). At one point, ex-t took the timeline and moved it out of sight, pointing out that she was taking it away. I hadn't realized till she moved it that just the sight of it was triggering. I turned away every time she moved it towards me to point out specific things. She picked up on my body language and acted on making it more comfortable in the moment...

Can you find comfort in something that does not involve touch? Maybe have a conversation with T around how the lack of minimal encouragers (facial, vocal, or posture changes) makes it difficult to find comfort from her? I know it's difficult to change how you percieve comfort, but I also have a feeling you won't find the comfort you are looking for with this T (and with the way things went with last T, I think it's probably a good cautious move).

I'm sorry your husband wasn't comforting either though...

She said we would talk about it on Wednesday. We did talk about the lack of change in her affect. She's worried that if she focuses on reacting in a way I will read as supportive, that it will distract her from listening to me.

I'm not seeking comfort solely through touch. That's why I tried reaching out to he in an email. I was looking for comfort through words. I guess I wanted to know that she was there, or cared, or understood. Something, anything. Just to know I'm not alone in this. But she provided me with nothing except to say we will talk about it on Wednesday and thanking me for telling her...

I don't know what words or actions I'm looking for specifically. That's why I'm asking you all. I'm trying to guage what's normal.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That's why I'm wondering how you all feel comforted (or cared for). But rainbow8 is probably right. I might be asking the wrong question. Maybe the better question is when: when did you start feeling comforted or cared for by your T? Is 11 weeks too soon? I'm used to having an instant connection, so this is all new to me. What's normal? How do you know when someone cares? Why can't I feel it?

That's a good question. I've no idea how you can know when someone cares. I'm not even sure how I can notice it with my T. I suppose she cares, as a T. But it's hard for me to feel that. I don't have good experience with previous T. I always felt I was sort of invisible and I definitely didn't feel cared by them. Is hard for me to believe anyone would ever care about me (beside my parents).

11 weeks could be too soon. I don't know. It might also depends on how often you see her.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T holds my hand, responds to my emails, and hugs me after every session, but that is not the primary way she provides comfort. I am comforted by knowing how much she cares about me, and how she is consistently there for me. We have a real relationship and that is comforting to me. Probably it's too soon for you to feel that way about your new T. It takes time. Can you share with her your feelings and thoughts about wanting more comfort from her? Even if she won't provide it the way you want, discussing it may be productive. Grieving is a process, and you will feel differently over time.

I'm okay with not getting comfort the way I want. But shouldn't I be able to find some sort of comfort in her? After 11 weeks? It worries me. I like her. She's a good T and a nice person, but how can I get to the painful stuff if I don't find her comforting? She doesn't wrinkle her brow, talk softer, lean forward, etc. She just there smiling. She told me I have to trust that she cares, but trust isn't something I'm willing to give much of anymore.

This whole situation isn't fair to me or her. I shouldn't be with her. I'm supposed to be with ex-T. I wasn't finished. There was very little closure (the book and the letter). I didn't graduate or was referred. I was tossed out and had to quickly find someone to help me survive. I have exra baggage now for this relationship, and she doesn't get to see me at a normal/stable place. My ex-T is ruining even this for me. It's just not fair.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Chummy

That's a good question. I've no idea how you can know when someone cares. I'm not even sure how I can notice it with my T. I suppose she cares, as a T. But it's hard for me to feel that. I don't have good experience with previous T. I always felt I was sort of invisible and I definitely didn't feel cared by them. Is hard for me to believe anyone would ever care about me (beside my parents).

11 weeks could be too soon. I don't know. It might also depends on how often you see her.

I see her once a week.

It's hard for me to accept that anyone would care about me too. My parents didn't even care about me growing up. But I also need to feel cared about. It's like an addiction almost. I survived through the care of others and I never learned how to survive on caring for myself.

[Middlemarcher]

My T doesn't do anything in particular to comfort me. It took me a LOT longer than 11 weeks-- more like a year and a half or more-- to start being able to feel comforted just by her presence, and to be better able to comfort myself. Truthfully, I'm wary of Ts who do a lot of touch or whose boundaries aren't very conservative. From what I see out there, those tend to be the Ts who burn out or screw up.

It took some time, but things work amazingly now with my T. I find that my "stuff" usually stays contained in the room, and I feel her to be much warmer than I used to. My T encourages me to be open about the relationship, so I've told her many times that I found her to be cold or that I was angry at her for not comforting me. All of those conversations have been useful.

Edited to add: I do have people in my outer life that I can go to for comfort, though I had to learn how to do that, too. I tend to keep everything inside & put on a happy/brave face.

[JustShakey]

(((Scarlet)))
I don't really have any ideas for you, but I just thought I would share, as I seem to be coming from the opposite side on this...
Therapy has made me realize how good I am at comforting myself with fantasies. I could always easily imagine T holding me, or even talking to me and have it work just as well. Lately though I've been feeling the need for more real-life comfort. It's painful... My real life support system outside of therapy is still very new and very much 'under construction'.

My T does realize though. He's offered to go to twice weekly sessions while I'm struggling. And I can email whenever I need to, though he's usually too busy to reply right away.

[divine1966]

Well logically speaking most ( not all ) therapists do this job because they care what happens to people. It never occurred to me to doubt that t cares about me otherwise why would she bother to spend 40 years in her profession. Same if somebody questioned i care about teens or people with special needs. Why the heck would I be doing this? I'd be doing something else and probably for more money.

But if you have excessive need for reassurance sometimes people have to verbatim tell you that they care. And sometimes you need to ask for them to tell you. I work with population that often need excessive encouragement. I often have to just say " I really care.". Or something similar. They don't always know if someone cares unless it is spelled out

But overall you don't know if t cares perhaps because you don't know her long enough.

I know my t cares because well it's a given but also because she says encouraging things but I probably wouldn't be as sure when I first started with her

I love hugging and physical touch with females too not just men, but not t. More like friends or family. I just don't look at t this way.

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[atisketatasket]

I'm too new to therapy to be able to answer your question in any depth, but if I were you I'd want to know if her demeanor is a professional pose adopted with all clients, or whether the sort of actions you want her to take would feel somehow inauthentic to her and that's why she's reluctant to do as you ask. (Would it really distract her? Mine seems able to offer comfort and listen at the same time. They're both part of interacting with me.)

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Maybe the fit isn't right?

I've been seeing my new one since Feb and I don't hug her like my old one ir anything, I don't really want to. But I already feel better after I talk to her, I feel cared for and comforted and safe. I like that she cares about my safety and seems/says things make her sad. I definitely leave feeling like she cares and feeling way better than I went in. She has said it makes her sad when I am hurting, and that feels good when you're really isolated.

Do you leave feeling better?

Having said that, I miss my ex-T a lot too in spite of everything. I miss having hugs.

[stopdog]

Neither of them provide comfort. I don't think they are comforting people in general nor can I think of anything that I would find comforting from them.

When we are actually together in person she is very affectionate. Holds my hands or plays with my hair or gives hugs or whatever. We are on other ides of the world right now so she has to do it with kind words. Oh and she sends me surprises in the mail sometimes like boxes for my birthday and Christmas, etc.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

My T doesn't do anything in particular to comfort me. It took me a LOT longer than 11 weeks-- more like a year and a half or more-- to start being able to feel comforted just by her presence, and to be better able to comfort myself. Truthfully, I'm wary of Ts who do a lot of touch or whose boundaries aren't very conservative. From what I see out there, those tend to be the Ts who burn out or screw up.

It took some time, but things work amazingly now with my T. I find that my "stuff" usually stays contained in the room, and I feel her to be much warmer than I used to. My T encourages me to be open about the relationship, so I've told her many times that I found her to be cold or that I was angry at her for not comforting me. All of those conversations have been useful.

Edited to add: I do have people in my outer life that I can go to for comfort, though I had to learn how to do that, too. I tend to keep everything inside & put on a happy/brave face.

I'm hoping it gets better over time. She said she wants to know whenever I feel uncomfortable with her. The problem is identifying if she's the problem or am I. Will time help or is this the way things will always be?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I'm too new to therapy to be able to answer your question in any depth, but if I were you I'd want to know if her demeanor is a professional pose adopted with all clients, or whether the sort of actions you want her to take would feel somehow inauthentic to her and that's why she's reluctant to do as you ask. (Would it really distract her? Mine seems able to offer comfort and listen at the same time. They're both part of interacting with me.)

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According to her, this is just the way she is. She just doesn't normally change her demeanor I guess... So that's why it would be a distraction to her if she has to concentrate on it.

[BayBrony]

I had to specifically tell my T" I need you to say you care about me and don't want me to starve/purge/hurt myself/die"...not because she didn't feel those things but because her view of relationships is so much healthier than mine that she ( in one of her larger screw ups as a T) thought I " would already know that"
Nope T. Nope. My mom TOLD me to kill myself. Repeatedly. Part of me worries everyone wishes I'd get out of their life.
I still have to remind her to.tell me. To spell things out. That I'm not being intentionally obtuse but truly struggle with this.

Also my T does not like to say too much on email but she is open to checking in via phone. Maybe your T would do that.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I think you're really good at knowing and articulating what you need. I don't know if what you need can be reasonably provided by a therapist, though. Which sucks, because therapy triggers a lot of those needs for everyone.

The thing is, your last T tried to get you a higher level of care, which you didn't want, understandably. But you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, with needs which are so powerful and therapists who constantly defend their boundaries.

Sometimes, therapy seems like it's more a war zone where a needy client attempts to get succor from a therapist who is artfully trying to dodge them while placating them with things that just aren't true. Or tossing dried up old scraps of bread to a hungry duck while keeping all the good bread for themselves, which they defend to the end, because 'boundaries'.

But the thing is, if you start taking money to deal with people who are hurting, then don't be surprised when their pain overwhelms them and they need you. Therapists get themselves into these situations and then they think boundaries are this answer to everything.

If you don't feel comforted, if you think she's a smiling mannequin of a person with flat affect, then that's your reality and her telling you to feel otherwise isn't therapeutic.

I don't know what the answer is here, but I do understand how you feel and I'm sorry.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Maybe the fit isn't right?

I've been seeing my new one since Feb and I don't hug her like my old one ir anything, I don't really want to. But I already feel better after I talk to her, I feel cared for and comforted and safe. I like that she cares about my safety and seems/says things make her sad. I definitely leave feeling like she cares and feeling way better than I went in. She has said it makes her sad when I am hurting, and that feels good when you're really isolated.

Do you leave feeling better?

Having said that, I miss my ex-T a lot too in spite of everything. I miss having hugs.

I feel fine with her when I'm not upset. I do leave feeling better.

How would I even know if it's a good fit or not? How do I know it's not me with too high of expectations? What if she is the right T for me and I'm just messing things up?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I had to specifically tell my T" I need you to say you care about me and don't want me to starve/purge/hurt myself/die"...not because she didn't feel those things but because her view of relationships is so much healthier than mine that she ( in one of her larger screw ups as a T) thought I " would already know that"
Nope T. Nope. My mom TOLD me to kill myself. Repeatedly. Part of me worries everyone wishes I'd get out of their life.
I still have to remind her to.tell me. To spell things out. That I'm not being intentionally obtuse but truly struggle with this.

Also my T does not like to say too much on email but she is open to checking in via phone. Maybe your T would do that.

I needed that from ex-T too. I needed her to constantly reassure me that she cared, that she was there. As it turns out, she isn't here so none of that reassurance had value.

I don't know if my T would be open to checking in on the phone with me. Maybe? I hate phones, but I would compromise.