Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear G, I am counting down the days until I see you next, and now it's only 4 more days. I thought these 2 1/2 weeks would never come to an end, but now that the day gets closer, I am getting more and more anxious because I have to tell you about the romantic aspect of my feelings for you, and I don't know how you are going to react to that. I've been talking about this on 2 mental health forums because I am so scared. I know you said that there is nothing I can tell you that is going to make you walk away from me or tell me you can't do therapy with me anymore, but I am so scared. All my life I've been taught that homosexuality is an abomination, and you are a Christian, and I am so scared that you will find me to be disgusting. I don't know how I will cope if you tell me you can't see me anymore. And if you tell me you can't hug me anymore I will feel rejected all over again. Part of me just wants this to be over, so I can stop being afraid of how you will react. Part of me doesn't want to tell you, because if I don't tell you, you won't abandon me. But if I don't tell you then there is no chance at all to work through my transference issues. In a way, I would be so relieved if you would tell me that you knew this about me already. All the times I've tried to talk to you about this transference, I feel like you haven't taken it seriously enough, and I need you to not ignore this, because it is a freaking big deal to me. I just hope that you will hear me when I say I don't even want to have romantic feelings for you. I hope you will understand how much this is tormenting me. Sometimes it feels like when I am feeling most tormented, I can't cry or otherwise communicate how deeply troubled I actually am, and that frustrates me to no end. Not being able to communicate what I NEED to communicate is SO FRUSTRATING. Please, please, please don't abandon me. I think I would die.

T,

Thank you so much for your email tonight. I feel so much better. Thinking of you makes me so happy and I feel so alive. You are amazing.

Dear T,

I hope you are feeling better and recovering well. I am trying to be thoughtful and not bothering you. We really didn't discuss when you would officially be back so I am kind of keeping everything to myself.

I miss not having contact with you. Just saying.

I see you in five days if all is well with you.

I worry about you.

Dear uni therapist/mentor,

Whenever you tell me that if it were your daughter who was struggling the way I am whilst living abroad, you would be absolutely desperate, it breaks my heart because it just reminds me of the fact that I do not have a mother like that. My mum isn't nurturing, or loving, and she doesn't want to hear about how I'm depressed and how I would like to die. She wouldn't offer me any sympathy if I did tell her. In fact, she most likely wouldn't know how to respond at all.

My parents are supportive to a certain extent, but they just don't have any love or nurture to give, probably because they never received it themselves. I feel so pathetic for wanting these things at my age, but at the same time I don't know what to do with it. You try so hard to give it to me, but I don't know how to accept it, and I'm also terrified by my own feelings because you are my mentor, not my mother. It pains me so much that I will never have a mum like you. How messed up is that?

Why do you have to say things like, "If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you"? Just… why? It feels like some sort of emotional torture, because I will never get that from my mum. So it hurts when you say it. And yet, a part of me wants to hear it, because it makes me feel validated. It makes me feel cared for, despite the negative part of me telling me that it's not real, that it's just an act, and that you probably say stuff like that to all of your students (and other clients).

I can't tell you any of this. I don't know how. It's tearing me apart.

It doesn't end. Ever. This, too shall not pass.

Triggers are everywhere tonight. No where seems like a safe place- even on here, and I can't call and leave you a voicemail because you don't feel safe right now either. I guess I'm just too sensitive for the world. Time to disappear for a while.

Dear T,
I've been angry and distressed lately. I feel I owe you some apology in the same place where I poured all my resentment and abandonment issues.
I have learned (here also..) that you might change your mind at any time and tell me our work together is over. But it hasn't happened so far, so I say sorry for being so stubborn.
I realized it yesterday when I asked you if there is already a referral for me and you wrote me back saying that as you told me many times, you are not planning to pass me to anyone else unless it is what I want and, if I only wanted, we could see each other and decide how to do in the meantime.
Even though I don't, people do build families and it's ok and instead of being so childish I should be grateful that you are coming back instead of sending me to another professional.
A few persons have just exacerbated my abandonment issues and I panicked adding you to the group of people who leave. It's a rough year and I know I'm a difficult client at times but you sticked. I appreciate you going to supervision instead of getting rid of me. I also appreciate your humanness when I was giving you a hard time. And I appreciate your spontaneous hugs when you didn't know what to say and still, your excellent boundaries. Probably I don't need any particular skill from a T anymore but I just need to soothe the pain of abandonment. I'm always scared of relapsing because "if I don't progress (fast) enough you'll be fed up". I hope you put up with me and stay as long as it is needed and that we will end our work together with me feeling stronger and confident. I've been running my whole life, I hope you allow me to be slower and find my own pace to see you won't have left in the meantime like everyone else.
I'm curious about what you have in mind for your leave and am still worried until I talk to you about it all, but I promise I will listen.

Can we just forget about last week? We were both, in different ways, jerks. Let's just call it even and move on eah?

I'm getting attached to you.

Dear T,

When i discussed my loneliness, how i have no one who cares for me...truly ! i meant it. i know i looked stupid...n i know u didnt believe me. u looked at me..like seriously..are you so out of it..??? no i am not out of anything..i understand the reality of my relationships...of ppl around me...how fake they are...i just dont know how to make you udnerstand this...this is NOT My depression talking...this is the ugly truth of my life..of my existence...i dont know the reason why i am here....and if i was to disappear ....no one would care...they will be saying good riddance.

i want u to come out of your statue like posture....and be more human...less clinical...
be that one person..who will listen to my story..and believe it.
talk to me like you care...like i matter.

T,

i told you im not gonna text you anymore and ask if ur dead. or that im gonna try really hard not to. cuz i know i look crazy. so im just gonna do it here:

ARE YOU ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ im scared

me

T, I want you very, very badly.

I want to give you all the love and tenderness and warmth that I feel for you and that you deserve.

I don't want anything else. I don't care about anything else. Nothing else seems to matter. I feel that I am coming apart.

I didn't seek this or ask for this and it's the last thing I needed in the current state of affairs but it's where things stand.

Dear G, Monday, Tuesday, and then on Wednesday I will finally see you again. Three more days, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I am so scared. I plan to read you the letter I have written to you about my transference and the romantic feelings, if I can even bring myself to speak the words on the page. It's over 500 words! Will you be able to listen to my stilted, monotone voice while I try to squeeze all those scary words out of my throat? I know you said that nothing I say will make you walk away from me, but I have such a hard time believing that. I just know that if I were in your position and a woman 10 years younger than me told me she was romantically attracted to me I think I might feel kind of weirded out. I don't expect you to feel the same way about me; I have no intention of acting on those feelings, and I've put that in the letter too, but I'm worried you will think that's the reason I started asking for hugs, and it's not. It's how you hold me, and let me hold onto you for more than a brief hug, that started those feelings. Suddenly I became more aware of your body, how your body felt pressed against me, and it was a really nice feeling. It woke up something in my body that feels good but scares the hell out of me. This I will not tell you, because I feel so ashamed and I don't want to freak you out and make you not want to hug me. I know you are a Christian, and I have no idea what your beliefs are about same sex relationships, and I am scared that even if you don't outwardly reject me, inwardly you will feel repulsed by me. I know what my mom thinks about being homosexual - that it is something to be very ashamed of, and I am certain she would not want any of her friends to find out if I decided to come out as a lesbian. I made an off-the-cuff comment last summer about how I wished I had the guts to stop shaving my legs like some of the women I used to work with. My mom's response was, "People would think you were a lesbian if you did that." When I was a teenager and had noticeable hair growing above my lip she told me that people probably thought I was homosexual and that's why I was having a hard time finding a job. She sure knows how to make me feel like worthless $h!t.

Dear G, I am sorry. I f*d up. These feelings for you are getting the better of me. I have to stop looking at your Twitter photo. I feel so dirty.

T, once again I can't/don't want to sleep. Instead I stay up watching a movie that reminds me uncannily of her, and of losing her. The two of us can't talk to each other anymore. Our relationship is withering and dying after so many years. She was the constant in my life, the one thing that I could always count on being there. If even this is not permanent, nothing good in the world can be.

I have lived so many lives. I took nothing from them that ever lasted. I missed the things that were important and my punishment is to watch them all parade past me as though I didn't exist. All those years, everything I did, none of it mattered. The sadness and anger are permanent. Nothing else is.

I keep returning to your picture online. You are more beautiful than I imagined and I was foolish not to see it from the very beginning. You won't be permanent in my life either. I will have to say goodbye to you just as I always had to with everyone else. My memories seem less real to me as time goes on. Everything I ever knew, it was just my imagination.

Dear therapist,

My uni mentor told me that I simply touched you with my words and that it's not a bad thing, but I still feel bad for making you cry, and I feel weird about coming back this week. At the same time, I really need to, because my life is falling apart again, and if I didn't feel so numb I would probably be really worried.

Dear Pdoc

Tomorrow I see you again. I feel anxious. My body can't calm down. Buy my mind is tired, tired of thinking of you. Tired of fantasizing about you. I fantasize about being with you, cuddling with you, kissing you, sex with you. But I also fantasize about our appoinment. About being in de room with you, sitting across from you. And just talking to you. But talking to you as my psychiatrist. I would want to really talk to you. I think it would be nice. You seem like a person with who it would be nice to talk to. But you're not my T, only my pdoc. Our appoinments are short. You just for the meds. I feel like I can't say much to you. I don't know. I have had two pdoc's in the past and they didn't ask much. It was just like ''take this meds and **** off''. So, I feel like a pdoc is just for the meds and not really for talking. Like I should keep a distance. But whatever, it doesn't matter. I can't talk to you. My mind goes blank when I'm with you and I don't get a word out of my mouth.
Is it weird that I imagine conversations with you? I feel like I would rather admit to you that I fantasize about having sex with you than admitting that I have whole conversations with you in my mind.

Dear G, anxiety about talking about my romantic feelings for you is whipping into such a frenzy. How am I going to manage to get through the staff meeting at my practicum on Wed morning before I meet with you and tell you my "terrible awful." Anxiety is spasming through my body.

I wish it was thursday. I want to tell you my fear that is getting worse and is why my stress over the house thing is off the charts. But i don't wanna be so needy.

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Darling T,

I just realized that when I say,
"please don't leave/hurt me"
you are thinking the same thing about me.
Just as I am openly raw and vulnerable
sitting on your couch,
you are just as open and vulnerable
sitting in your chair.
You just can't express it,
and I can.

EM

Dear T,
I miss you. Everything hurts. I want to be with you again.

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Dear G, I just don't know what to do with myself. It's 2 more days until I see you, and my anxiety is through the roof. If it wasn't pouring rain I would be down by the river all day walking. As it is, I can't focus on anything. I've started reading The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, and it is beautifully written, but I can't concentrate at all. I just want to read that letter to you and get it over with. I'm scared you might take it too seriously and reject me, and I'm scared you won't take it seriously enough. I really need you to take it seriously just enough to help me work through my transference issues, otherwise this is going to torture me for the rest of my life.

i hate being needy. i want to be able to rely on myself for this. i don't want to speak this fear. i really don't want to hear you say "why do you always want to find something wrong with you" because that's not what this is. it's a legitimate fear (to me) and i know exactly and precisely why it started when it did and why it is growing and it is not me wanting to find something wrong with me. you're wrong about that anyway in the first damn place, i don't WANT to find things wrong with me, but I want to figure out why I act like I do, so if there is something wrong, then I can find it and FIX it. Get it? Augh. Is it thursday yet?!

I wish you were my momma. I so wish I could cuddle on the couch with you, your arms around me and my head on your chest. (But you don't have a couch in your office.) And I could say "You so comfy," like that 2-year-old sweetie in the playroom. I wish I could be your little girl.

funny w/in. funny