How do you know when it is time....?.

I am really sorry that you don't seem to have access to good services.

I am not even sorry for me I am sorry for everyone else who is trying but gets let down repeatedly. I blame the lack of funding from the federal government.

Sounds pretty bad in terms of services, it's not amazing elsewhere- you make of it what you can take away and run with it is my method. Nothing is ever perfect but sometimes you can use bits of what you have and help yourself to move forward, aint anyone who can do that for you but you. (But if they're warm enough, they'll be there to hold your hand as you try).

If it's not your psychologist you have issues with, then I can't see anything standing in your way to tell them what's going on for you. Can you call them to speak or are you ok to wait? Sometimes you can write or email some professionals (though some may charge so be aware of that). If it's something your worried about reactions about, let them know to begin with what you are worried about happening as a consequence and most importantly, why you are worried; explain what happened last time and how it left you feeling, it's then your call to go into depth if you feel safe enough or not, if not then I'd strongly advise trying to find a different psychologist or psychotherapist because trust in any relationship is a pretty central part...

I dont trust anyone completely there is literally not a singel person or creature who i trust wholeheartedly. I dont think i am able to trust people i am worried about consequenses but if i tell him what i am worried about then he will guess and then bad things might happen.

First up; no one trusts anyone 100%, even people without M/H issues. It's always something people worry about, but when it prevents you living your life in a healthy way, then it becomes a problem.

So it sort of leaves you with two options; carry on the way you are and keep everything in as much as possible and try to keep on carrying the weight of the world until something cracks and then because you are seen as unable to cope, someone else has to step in and take responsibility as you have not been able to...

Or you can try to get your voice heard, say how you feel, say how you want things to be, how you don't want things to be, what the problems were last time and why they affected you. What you feel is helpful, what is unhelpful and how and what you find difficult.

Balls in your court the way I see it from here, it's up to you if you want to take charge of your life or if you want to wait for someone else to. I know what I'd rather do...

But that is the thing it isnt just me it isnt my life i dont get to choose because i dont matter and even if it was i dont know how i feel or what i want or what would help no one cares about my voice. It isnt that i dont want to feel better but i am not allowed to they wont let me it has never been just my life the things that live inside me have always had the first say and if i try and do anything about it bad things happen but i doubt anyone will believe me no one ever believes me. It doesnt matter anymore it has already been decided. I am sorry for wasting your time.

How have you wasted my time? It was my choice to reply to you. I didn't have to, I wanted to, I saw you as a person even if you didn't and don't. It is your life, it may have felt different growing up because for most of us, as kids we don't get the choices we want and by far and large most of our choices where push comes to shove, it's not what we actually wanted let alone what we were asked...so the message we get from others is that we don't matter. But as we get older and old enough to be asked, it feels almost wrong. It's hard at times to understand the change is often just because we are X years old...it doesn't quite make sense. But its how it works.

You seem to me like you have an opinion on how things are- at least how you don't want things to be even if you don't know what you want (I'll share a secret with you- in all my life and my experience of friends and even older adults, no one else has a clue what they really want either! Don't feel that if you find this also applies to you, that it is an indication of any sort of immaturity- it is in fact more of a mature act to have realised and accepted this and tried to make the best of taking things as they come rather than making up your mind before you've tried them. But that's a whole other conversation!)

I think it seems like all of a sudden your going back on yourself and I'm not sure why, if it's because it all feels pretty huge a change to suddenly voice what you want or even think about what you need (which actually in my experience are bigger to think about doing than they actually are to do) or if someone has said something to you outside of here or if something else is happening in your life and everything else feels unstable or what. But I thought you have talked sense. You just seem like you need to take the next step and talk to someone.

Is it that everything seems too scary or that you feel like nothing can help or something else? Please don't feel sorry for wasting anyone's time- least of all mine! It's up to me how I spend my time and it's not a problem at all to read your replies and reply to them. If it's any help, I have insomnia at the moment, I'm not sleeping and reading things from real people with real life experiences and things I can connect and relate to is way better than feeling isolated with my own stuff and trying to block stuff out with soulless internet browsing!

P.S If you find your psychologist or your psychologist is not listening to you, straight up; they're not doing their job. It's something they need feedback on (so tell them they're not listening if you don't feel they are) and if they keep making the same mistake without learning, then you really do need to find help elsewhere. I know there may be woefully limited psych. services but a professional who does not listen and will not listen is about as useless as a chocolate teapot.

it isnt about being old enough to be asked i dont think i am explaining myself well although i dont know any other way to explain it. I am not me i dont other people have a sense of themselves even if it is only small they still seem to feel like a thing but i dont i dont feel whole or like i exist i seem to just reflect things off others and spit back what they want to hear to preserve what ever this creature is that seems to host more than one thing i dont have an identity if i look in the mirror i dont see anything i recognise i am not there is more than one being in my head like multiple people only they arent whole either they are fragments but so separate i dont get a say because i cant i one cant decide alone when the others dont want the same things. It isnt that simple there are other things living in me.

I get what your saying- I'm not sure the full reason but there could be many and I'm not a diagnosis person; I've just seen a whole lot of different people with disorders and problems which affect their mental health through my own life and being in and out of treatment.

What I will say is, that you appear to have an opinion- even if you don't feel it's yours. Unless someone else is typing for you, you do have an opinion and have experiences you don't want to repeat for example- that's a formed part of your life and mind which makes you very much not a blank slate. This is part of you and even if it's all you've got (and I don't believe that's all there is to you btw) it's got to be worth working and building on. You should celebrate and value the parts of you that say who you are: your likes, dislikes are a start and though it's a little bit bitter-sweet because you've had a rough deal to get to the point of view you have about the systems around you, it is perhaps a sliver lining (trying to not sound like I'm just reeling off a book of phrases here!!).

Seriously though, I understand what your saying when you say you feel like you don't have a personality and are empty. I get that. I just think that you can't see what maybe others can see. I see a person who has real life experiences which has shaped them- even without this previous hospital experience I think you will have had to have experiences to shape who you are and that makes you different to say, people from another town or country or place, I know you can't see it and you are most likely this far from wanting to hit the screen I've typed on because you probably think I'm not seeing what is there but the way you see things isn't the way I see things and that is another part of what makes you who you are: your opinion, your experiences and what you see is different from what others see and believe.

What would be helpful though is to be talking to your psychologist about how you feel because it's important stuff. I know you have said you don't feel there is anything there and you don't feel like a real person, but is that a reason to not say what's going on for you? I don't get why the way you feel means other people wont listen to what you want or don't want happening in your treatment. Just because it's how it feel, doesn't mean that's how it is and what others believe about you.

Have you tried to talk about feeling you don't feel listened to? You can work on having the past not repeat itself but that wont happen by itself, it needs your input.

I am mad and i really do not think you have understood but i dont have the energy to try and keep explaining. And my whole life i have tried to talk and had people not listen and i have tried to talk to them about it but everything is always my fault and i dont matter so i dont see the point anymore.

Just because I don't agree with your point of view does not mean either you or I are wrong, it just means we see things differently. You are your own person, I am my own person, it is possible we can see the same problem in a different way.

I don't think what your saying isn't true to you nor am I saying what you have said isn't how you experience things. It just isn't how I see things. You seem to be very much of the opinion that either I agree with you or I am wrong.
What I am saying is how you see things is informed by your past experiences and your opinion and likewise how I see things is informed by my own experiences.

But does go to show you do have your own opinion on things. Voice that; it's what makes you who you are and shoes that you do have personality and it is just as valid if not more so (because it's about what *you* want for *yourself* not about someone else deciding for you).

Never give up trying to get what you feel you need, you are just as entitled to it as anyone else as long as it does not harm anyone else (which it doesn't sound as if it does). You give up trying to fight for what you want and need and the person that loses out the most is you, the person who will regret that the most is yourself. Regret that you didn't do something is one of the hardest things to live with IMHO.

I hope you find the courage to at least speak to your psychologist, even if you don't believe you are entitled to, this is your space to say how you feel, else what really is the point...

I do not think what you think i do i am not saying if ypu dissagree you are wrong i am saying i dont think you understand because of what you are saying not because of your opinion. I dont think you understand because the way you say i am feelimg is not how i am feeling and the things you seem to think i think (a lot of which are your own assumptions) are not at all what i am thinking i understand you have a different viewpiont of the problem but i do not think that we are talking about the same problem. That is why i dont think you understand we are talking about different issues yet i cant seem to get that accross the things you are focussing on are not the things i am focusing on which is resulting in you giving your opinion on matters i didnt ask about but that you interpreted that i did when i didnt.

it is definetly time to reach out and your family won't be angry for sure

I'm not going to speak for Eden as I may have gotten it wrong, but my understanding was that there was also a fear of other people taking over and disregarding anything Eden wants or ignoring fears which tbh seem based on reality as things had happened in the past. I do agree with you- it's better to say something but can understand why Eden wouldn't want to.

What worries me is that if Eden is in a bad place, that eventually this will show (it always does it isn't already) that then makes professionals and family members feel Eden isn't in a position of maturity to see the problem and ask for help (not saying that is the case- far from it in fact, but this is likely how they will see things if things have gotten so bad and Eden hasn't pointed out there is a problem and something needs to happen/need help etc) and this will back up any anxieties which already exist that they need to step in and take control and by the time they're doing that, it's very easy to ignore things like "I don't want this/that hurts" and "stop".

Eden doesn't seem to feel others understand or that what is said is understood correctly. I get that it's hard- even 15 years in and out of therapy I still find this hard myself! I do think though as I've gotten older I worry less about everyone understanding me and more about the outcome of what I have said being something helpful to me. Sometimes just saying what you want and what you don't want or don't like can be enough to ensure ground rules are set and stuck to, then you can get on with saying what the problem is.

Eden, if you are still there, I really hope you find the strength to speak honestly to the psychologist and even the psychiatrist about things, it's their job to listen and respect you, there are rules set in the ethics of either role and they need to stick to those ethics, it's worth reminding them of these if you feel they are disrespecting you or your space but also bare in mind at the end of the day; their job is mostly to keep you alive and to improve the quality of your life. If they feel your life is at risk they will do whatever they feel they need to, to ensure you are not in danger- it's what they signed up for. If you feel they are causing harm they are going against the oath (do no harm) and this is something to talk to them about so they can stick to their rules. As with any job, you can raise an official complaint if you feel you are being hurt and not listened to.

I hope you are OK...

it already does show in some places at school mostly i try not to let anyone think anything is wrong at home because i would get in trouble then. i dont think anyone would listen to me now anyway. i am trying but i dont think i am going to be very successful.