[ilikecats]

I drove past my T's house tonight. I'm pretty sure it was her house anyways. A few months ago I googled my T, and one of the things I found was what looked to be her address. I didn't do anything then, but I did think about driving past it. I kept thinking about it once in a while, and tonight I decided to drive past it. She's on vacation this week, so I knew I wouldn't accidentally run into her. Anyways, I feel a bit guilty about this, and I feel like I should tell her about it when she gets back. But I'm worried that if I do, she'll get creeped out or be angry at me. Maybe even stop seeing me? Or set more boundaries? I don't want that to happen, and if I don't tell her, it won't. But I just feel like I should tell her. I'm probably going to drive past it again a time or two before she gets back. It was nighttime when I went past tonight, and I'd like to see it in the day. I would never knock on her door or intrude on her while she's there, but I just like to see her house and see where she lives. Is this how stalkers start? I don't have any intention to stalk her, and I don't want to scare her or make her uncomfortable. That would be another issue with telling her. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but if I tell her she might feel that way. But I just feel kinda guilty. But at the same time, it's not like I'm doing any harm, I'm just looking at a house. Gah! What should I do?

[divine1966]

I drive all over tri county area all the time. Heck I drive past my ex house all the time because I have to drive that way and everyone drives by my place because I live on a major road in a busy shopping area. Unless you plan on stalking her and drive there daily looking in her Windows you aren't obligated to tell her. Don't even sweat about it!

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[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I drive all over tri county area all the time. Heck I drive past my ex house all the time because I have to drive that way and everyone drives by my place because I live on a major road in a busy shopping area. Unless you plan on stalking her and drive there daily looking in her Windows you aren't obligated to tell her. Don't even sweat about it!

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Thanks! She doesn't live on a major road though, it's kinda far back inside a neighborhood. It's also pretty out of my way, like I wouldn't regularly drive over there on a normal day.

[stopdog]

What do you have to gain by telling her? What do you risk? Are the gains more than the risks? Do you want her to say it was okay and reassure you? Would you feel better (in backwards sort of way) if she reprimanded you or got angry in some way?
For me, knowing why I felt the need or urge to tell the therapist such a thing (it has a sense of confession about these sorts of matters) would matter.
If it was me, I would not tell the therapist

[atisketatasket]

I would not tell her.

I also would not do it again.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What do you have to gain by telling her? What do you risk? Are the gains more than the risks? Do you want her to say it was okay and reassure you? Would you feel better (in backwards sort of way) if she reprimanded you or got angry in some way?

I guess what I would gain is to ease my guilt. It's probably not worth the risks though. I do think I'd like her to say it's okay. I doubt that would happen though. Maybe I would want her to be angry. I'm not sure what I want.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I guess what I would gain is to ease my guilt. It's probably not worth the risks though. I do think I'd like her to say it's okay. I doubt that would happen though. Maybe I would want her to be angry. I'm not sure what I want.

I would figure out for sure what you want to get out of telling her, consider all possible consequences, decide whether or not you can live with those consequences, and then decide whether to tell her.

This is a good strategy for any potentially fraught discussion you have with anyone.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I would figure out for sure what you want to get out of telling her, consider all possible consequences, decide whether or not you can live with those consequences, and then decide whether to tell her.

This is a good strategy for any potentially fraught discussion you have with anyone.

Thanks, that's a good idea. Right now the main consequence I'm worried about is that she would stop seeing me. Nothing would be worth that, but I'm also not sure how realistic that possibility is. I feel like she wouldn't stop seeing me just because of this, but I don't know that for sure.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I drove past my T's house tonight. I'm pretty sure it was her house anyways. A few months ago I googled my T, and one of the things I found was what looked to be her address. I didn't do anything then, but I did think about driving past it. I kept thinking about it once in a while, and tonight I decided to drive past it. She's on vacation this week, so I knew I wouldn't accidentally run into her. Anyways, I feel a bit guilty about this, and I feel like I should tell her about it when she gets back. But I'm worried that if I do, she'll get creeped out or be angry at me. Maybe even stop seeing me? Or set more boundaries? I don't want that to happen, and if I don't tell her, it won't. But I just feel like I should tell her. I'm probably going to drive past it again a time or two before she gets back. It was nighttime when I went past tonight, and I'd like to see it in the day. I would never knock on her door or intrude on her while she's there, but I just like to see her house and see where she lives. Is this how stalkers start? I don't have any intention to stalk her, and I don't want to scare her or make her uncomfortable. That would be another issue with telling her. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but if I tell her she might feel that way. But I just feel kinda guilty. But at the same time, it's not like I'm doing any harm, I'm just looking at a house. Gah! What should I do?

I know how you feel because, a few years ago, I did the exact same thing. I had the directions to her house but didn't drive past right away. When I did, I immediately felt extremely guilty. I told her what I did and she didn't like it but she didn't kick me out or anything. She said something like "what if I had been out walking my dog?" I think I said "so what?" She wasn't angry but was frustrated because I didn't understand what was so wrong about doing it and that I crossed her boundaries. Like you, I just wanted to see her house. I didn't want to stalk her.

I'm ashamed of this next part of my story. My T moved and I couldn't stop myself from going by that house too. This time I wasn't going to tell her but I'm terrible at hiding things from her. She guessed that something was wrong. She said I'm not understanding that she has feelings about what I did. I felt like I was compelled to see where I lived because she wasn't going to tell me. She said what bothered her was that I was sneaky. She said I could have asked and maybe she'd show me a picture. I never thought of asking her first!

I was glad that I told her because we discussed why I felt I had to drive past her house. I won't do if again, even if she moves.

I think it's better to be honest than to keep it inside of you but if depends on what kind of relationship you have with your T, and how much it bothers you. A good T will want to discuss your behavior rather than kick you out.

[stopdog]

I don't see it as an honest or dishonest thing. I just don't see what one would gain from doing it except unnecessary angst and drama.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know how you feel because, a few years ago, I did the exact same thing. I had the directions to her house but didn't drive past right away. When I did, I immediately felt extremely guilty. I told her what I did and she didn't like it but she didn't kick me out or anything. She said something like "what if I had been out walking my dog?" I think I said "so what?" She wasn't angry but was frustrated because I didn't understand what was so wrong about doing it and that I crossed her boundaries. Like you, I just wanted to see her house. I didn't want to stalk her.

I'm ashamed of this next part of my story. My T moved and I couldn't stop myself from going by that house too. This time I wasn't going to tell her but I'm terrible at hiding things from her. She guessed that something was wrong. She said I'm not understanding that she has feelings about what I did. I felt like I was compelled to see where I lived because she wasn't going to tell me. She said what bothered her was that I was sneaky. She said I could have asked and maybe she'd show me a picture. I never thought of asking her first!

I was glad that I told her because we discussed why I felt I had to drive past her house. I won't do if again, even if she moves.

I think it's better to be honest than to keep it inside of you but if depends on what kind of relationship you have with your T, and how much it bothers you. A good T will want to discuss your behavior rather than kick you out.

Thank you! You're right, she probably would just want to talk about it. I have asked her about her house before, and she told me about her wall color and what it's like inside and stuff. But I just wanted to see the outside of it in person. I think maybe I will tell her. Although, I might end up being too nervous to actually say it too.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

You said that her house is out of your way and inside a neighborhood. I feel that its intrusive to drive by her house. If it was on your way home or on your way to an errand maybe that might be different but you were actively seeking to drive by and see it. I think therapist deserve there privacy. I understand the need/want to know more about her and to see where she lives. I have wondered what my T's house is like but its another story to try and find her house and drive by.

I would not tell her. Its not worth the risk of loosing her. If you want to ease your guilt you could just not do it again. Of course the choice is up to you but I think you should really think about everything before deciding to tell her.

[Inner_Firefly]

Is it really so bad to drive past your T's house? Your intention was not to stalk but to perhaps to feel connected with her during her vacation, or natural curiosity. You were only looking at a house, not going inside or bothering her. You sound like a good person. If it helps you to feel better, I did something similar, I looked at Google Maps to get an idea of how T's house looks like, though I was too afraid to drive past in real life. It's just a bunch of bricks visible to the public. I also walk to T's office building whenever I miss T and enjoy the soothing atmosphere, then go home with the warm fuzzies. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

You said that her house is out of your way and inside a neighborhood. I feel that its intrusive to drive by her house. If it was on your way home or on your way to an errand maybe that might be different but you were actively seeking to drive by and see it. I think therapist deserve there privacy. I understand the need/want to know more about her and to see where she lives. I have wondered what my T's house is like but its another story to try and find her house and drive by.

I would not tell her. Its not worth the risk of loosing her. If you want to ease your guilt you could just not do it again. Of course the choice is up to you but I think you should really think about everything before deciding to tell her.

You're right. I would feel less guilty if I just decided not to do it anymore. But I'm not sure if I can resist. I did it rather impulsively tonight. Maybe I won't tell her after all. I keep going back and forth! I'm so indecisive and fickle... Thanks for all the advice though everyone, you've all given me stuff to think about to help me decide.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Is it really so bad to drive past your T's house? Your intention was not to stalk but to perhaps to feel connected with her during her vacation, or natural curiosity. You were only looking at a house, not going inside or bothering her. You sound like a good person. If it helps you to feel better, I do something similar, I look at Google Maps to get an idea of how T's house looks like, though I am too afraid to drive past. I also walk to T's office building whenever I miss T and enjoy the soothing atmosphere, then go home with the warm fuzzies. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.

Thank you. Yeah, maybe I can drive past the office sometimes instead. That would definitely feel less creepy. I've looked on Google maps too. It wasn't the same though. That's a good point about feeling close and connected while she's on vacation. I hadn't thought of that!

[divine1966]

I think I am not understanding when people bring up "honesty". If you left anonymous note at her door or did something like buzzed her door or ran away ( all of that would make her worry and she would need to know you did it) that be different but you just got nosy and drove by. I don't see how telling or not telling her is honest of dishonest. Yes it is better not to drive by her house again. But I don't think not telling her means being dishonest.


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[Permacultural]

Are there any measurable benefits or possible damages that could arise from disclosing this behavior to your therapist?

[Gavinandnikki]

No, caused once you do it once you'll start doing it a lot.

Imo

[rainbow8]

My T's house was also in an out-of-the-way place. Both houses. I also think the reason was to feel more connected to her and to have a sense of where is when she's not in the office. For me, it's attachment stuff. Probably why I feel insecure while she's vacationing in another country! Or it could be just plain curiosity. What do you think is the reason you want to see her house?

You don't have to decide now whether you want to tell her or not. When you're sitting with her, in the office, you will make the decision. Either way, it will work out all right. You'll see.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Is it really so bad to drive past your T's house? Your intention was not to stalk but to perhaps to feel connected with her during her vacation, or natural curiosity. You were only looking at a house, not going inside or bothering her. You sound like a good person. If it helps you to feel better, I did something similar, I looked at Google Maps to get an idea of how T's house looks like, though I was too afraid to drive past in real life. It's just a bunch of bricks visible to the public. I also walk to T's office building whenever I miss T and enjoy the soothing atmosphere, then go home with the warm fuzzies. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you.

I am very sure that the OP meant no harm, but Google Maps is one thing, an actual drive-by that is deliberate is another. As someone else said, therapists deserve privacy too. On the internet (Google Maps) there is little expectation of privacy, in one's home there is.

I understand the impulse to do a drive-by but it needs to be recognized that this could affect someone else deeply. I had a student who used to drive by my house regularly, deliberately, out of her way. I eventually noticed that the same car kept driving slowly by, usually in the evening when I'd be out doing yardwork. I was getting somewhat alarmed as the car was not one of the neighbors', until I finally clocked who was driving. While that relieved my anxiety, I spoke to the student about it quite sternly. It took awhile for our relationship - she was an advisee - to recover.

It's not a question of good or bad, right or wrong, honest or dishonest. It's a question of boundaries.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

No, caused once you do it once you'll start doing it a lot.

Imo

I didn't do it a lot. I drove past her house once, and a few years later when she moved, once again. Just thinking about all the harsh criticism I got on here when I started my thread about driving past T's house. Or maybe because I didn't think it was wrong but others thought I was a stalker! I still don't think it's wrong, but perhaps inconsiderate.

[Lauliza]

I agree with stopdog and think you should consider your reasons for telling your T before doing anything. And I don't think you should feel guilty for not telling your T. While it's not that unusual for a client to google where their T lives and even drive by their residence, it's still one of those instances where the person may not want to know unless their safety is at risk. Since it crosses the boundaries of therapy, I think you should consider the feelings of your T, if only because they may affect your relationship. So long as you don't do it again, driving by a Ts house isn't a big deal. If you tell your T however, it could potentially become one.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I am very sure that the OP meant no harm, but Google Maps is one thing, an actual drive-by that is deliberate is another. As someone else said, therapists deserve privacy too. On the internet (Google Maps) there is little expectation of privacy, in one's home there is.

I understand the impulse to do a drive-by but it needs to be recognized that this could affect someone else deeply. I had a student who used to drive by my house regularly, deliberately, out of her way. I eventually noticed that the same car kept driving slowly by, usually in the evening when I'd be out doing yardwork. I was getting somewhat alarmed as the car was not one of the neighbors', until I finally clocked who was driving. While that relieved my anxiety, I spoke to the student about it quite sternly. It took awhile for our relationship - she was an advisee - to recover.

It's not a question of good or bad, right or wrong, honest or dishonest. It's a question of boundaries.

Well said about being affected deeply by it. Similar thing happened to me, only the stalker had an axe to grind and was highly unstable. I avoided my front yard for 5 years. A private investigator traced them and determined 15-20 drive bys per day. TBH I still haven't recovered.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I am very sure that the OP meant no harm, but Google Maps is one thing, an actual drive-by that is deliberate is another. As someone else said, therapists deserve privacy too. On the internet (Google Maps) there is little expectation of privacy, in one's home there is.

I understand the impulse to do a drive-by but it needs to be recognized that this could affect someone else deeply. I had a student who used to drive by my house regularly, deliberately, out of her way. I eventually noticed that the same car kept driving slowly by, usually in the evening when I'd be out doing yardwork. I was getting somewhat alarmed as the car was not one of the neighbors', until I finally clocked who was driving. While that relieved my anxiety, I spoke to the student about it quite sternly. It took awhile for our relationship - she was an advisee - to recover.

It's not a question of good or bad, right or wrong, honest or dishonest. It's a question of boundaries.

I have had students and clients drive past my house or walk past it or park by it on their way to restaurants near by- and then tell me about it or call out to me as they go past. Some more often than others. I don't mind them doing it - I figure it is just going to happen. I don't feel violated or like my boundaries have been intruded upon. I don't invite them in or anything, but it doesn't bother me. I don't, for me, see it as a boundary thing. Usually I have just been baffled as to why they felt the need to tell me.
I have even had some students ring my doorbell and want to talk to me. I remind them of my office hours, close the door and go on with my life. I don't usually recognize them out of context and never can remember their names.

I don't particularly enjoy when clients or their families threaten me with harm- but that goes along with the territory for lawyers who practice the types of law that I do.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I wouldn't tell her but I wouldn't do it again. By telling her, you're turning it into an issue it doesn't need to be.