I wish my T and I could figure it out!!

Rainbow - I hope I didn't sound harsh. I don't always think "obsessive" as a bad word. Sometimes you've got to work at a splinter until it hurts but it's gone. Just hoping for you that you find peace from thinking about this. It's exciting to be heard but T is not the only one to hear us and it's a good plan to keep relationships that last around you. T won't last, sadly, so I guess I just hate to see ppl put all their focus and energy into that which is temporary.

i do something similar to IFS... it is called schema therapy. There is an healthy Adult mode who is supposed to manage and limit the negative parent parts and meet the child part's needs within reason. here is a link to information about schema therapy and the different mode descriptions-

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy

edit: this is in response to ATAT

For some of us, myself included, the word "obsessive" feels like a bad word. I have OCD, so if someone says I'm being obsessive about something, then it feels like it's just a symptom of that rather than something real. I very much bristled when my T used that word with me recently. Though really, it dates back to my mom saying I was "being a bit obsessive" about certain people in my life as a teen (people she didn't think I should be that way about), and she meant it in a very negative, rather accusatory sense.

So I'm sure you didn't intend it as offensive. We all just have our triggers in terms of words/phrases... (I have a few others as well.)

Rainbow,
Are your feelings of "not wanting T to have sex with that guy" much different than a child being/feeling excluded when the parent's bedroom door is shut...and we, as children, weren't allowed in? Couldnt a little bit of jealousy be "normal?"

Also, commenting on age....if there is a need to be filled... I feel the need may exist no matter our age.

Hope you and T figure things out. I can relate to a lot your posts.

Maybe instead of T 'comforting' the 'parts' that don't want her to have sex worth that man. She should sit with you and the discomfort you feel.
Discomfort is part of life too.

T doesn't comfort the parts. She wants ME to do it. She first wants to hear how they feel. Believe me, if I started sobbing, she'd just sit there because she'd be thrilled I could cry right there with her and feel the sadness and show it to her.

[QUOTE=BayBrony;4860698]Thanks. I do tend to obsess about therapy in RL too, though.
Wow, sd. I appreciate your posting that!!

Yes!! That came about because I said to her "I'd rather you didn't make promises you can't keep" so she said, "Okay, then we'll just leave it that when I go away, I'll see you when at our next session." I knew that was an unfair response from her, but I let it pass. Later, I realized I'm hurt by her saying that, when she KNOWS I worry when she goes away. I will tell her that at my next session. Sometimes she says the wrong thing but I forgive her.

It's possible that I will see my T until either of us gets sick or dies, which is likely to happen to me first, but you never know. She isn't planning to retire or move away; she's only around 50, so she has a lot of years ahead of her, and she told her that her practice is established here, but I can see my sessions being reduced to monthly or as needed. I worry about my getting sick and wanting her more, though. No one knows the future, so I'm not making predictions, but my T didn't object to my continuing to see her long-term even though it's almost 6 years now. Of course this guy could get located and she could give up her practice and go off into the sunset with him....

Thanks!

I'm sorry. I tend to use words generically, and I shouldn't. Like obsession, depression, trigger. I hated when my former T called me "borderline" instead of someone having BPD. So I understand.

Thank you. I told my T when she was still with her H, that I wanted to break down their bedroom door! So, yeah, I guess I'm jealous. I don't remember feeling that way when I was a child, though. Just about the family movies when my brother was in them, but I wasn't, because I wasn't born yet!

Why do y7ou have to have felt jealous before. What if this jealousy is unique to T and nothing to do with childhood or child parts

I don't think crying is where the real discomfort lies.

When I talk about needing and wanting my T so much, and wanting her to take of me, my T always says that sounds like a very young part. I agree that some of my jealousy is adult because I want to have a satisfying relationship with a man like she has ( or like I think she has).

So what do you think it is? Anger?

Some things can sound childish without being from a child part. So I can stomp my feet and say I don't want to get out of bed. It sounds like a surly teen but it's no unmet teen need. Is it possible it could be adult you feeling something or saying something that can be heard as childish without it being an unmet need from childhood? Sometimes it may be easier to say that thaan confront that we are the ones saying or feeling childish things because we feel that way now and not because it's some old hurt or past grievance.

Sometimes we all want to pout and stomp and that's an ok part of our adult selves.

This is very true. I often don't want to leave at the end of T. While some of it is unmet needs its also that I work outside in all weather and have a lot of responsibility. Ts office is climate controlled, cozy, softly lit,and I turn my work phone off for that hour. That's an attractive combo and its often just not wanting to get back to my normally kind of stressful life...which is perfectly acceptable but has nothing to do with my childhood.

Of course that's possible. My T is trained in IFS though, so I tend to believe what she tells me. She's saying there are different parts, she knows my history, and she knows me for almost 6 years. Parts get blended, so it's not black or white. I'm not trying to argue with you, but according to IFS, the part who wants to pout and stamp her feet IS a child part. It doesn't mean that needs were unmet, though. So it seems like a child part of me can be jealous of my T without it being about my past. I think we're in agreement, basically.

I think the difficulty is that IFS works with "parts", psychodynamic therapy works with transference/counter transference, person centred therapy works with in congruence, CBT works with congnitive distortion a - basically there are so many different ways of understanding our emotions and psychological make up that being very wedded to any one thing can keep us very stuck. It seems that IFS makes sense to you in terms of how you experience yourself, based on your therapists explanation, which you believe. But what you experience can be explained in a dozen other ways, which may also be helpful now or at some other time - I think having a long term T schooled in one approach can be restrictive and unhelpful - it can equally provide a constant, secure space depending on the T and the relationship.

I guess what I'm thinking is if it works for you, ie you can see growth and change and aren't spending more time fixing problems in the relationship than actually working on the stuff that brought you there, then go for it. But if you feel stuck in the same loop over and over, it may be time for a break or a change.

But didnh't she try to explain the "parts" system that if you want to ice-cream but want to be skinny at the same time, it's in fact your child part wanting icecream and adult part wanting to be skinny?

That sounds very far-fetched and stretching it.


But to be honest, I dislike the whole concept of "inner child" and it is on my list "what is wrong with today's society" (because it seems to be so.... enabling, pampering... and only for those who can "afford" it).



I don't know, maybe you are talking real problems in therapy instead of therapy-created problems. I honestly hope so.

Anyways, in the bipolar forum I often said that if the mainstream thing of meds and therapy does not work you, as it doesn't work for many, one needs to be hella resourceful.... What other things have you tried to deal with your stuff? Do you have any means of channeling the emotions, any person to talk to, religion to comfort you, activities to help you truly unwind and/or make you feel worthy.... ?

Oh that's true. I work two jobs that add up to over 70 hours a week (73 this week). My day job is emotionally demanding and my night job is physically tiring. I see t once a month. Last time I didn't feel I wanted to leave because it meant i had to go to my night job and it was very cold outside lol

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T sent me such a nice email just now. She said "we're going to figure it out so you can go forward. If it keeps coming up it needs attention." She said to tell the embarrassed part that that's what your coming to T for.

FYI, we do more SE than IFS now, and we used to do EMDR. I've seen a psychodynamic T, a CBT one, been in DBT, and saw a T who was more behavioral oriented. Also one who was learning Gestalt therapy. They were each different but I still wanted to attach strongly. Current T is the only T with whom I have a secure attachment. She says I'm doing fine.

Hey Rainbow.... I'm just curious, do you have kids? I'm really glad you have a string of friends to keep you busy while you're still mourning the loss.

I just want to say one can be married, and have love for their spouse, but that doesn't mean it's happy and fulfilling. Doesn't mean we don't love them any less, or miss them if they're gone. Someone said you didn't have many good things to say about your husband when he was a live, but I'm sure you love him regardless, and being alone after being with someone is a very hard change. How long were you married? I think I read somewhere that you've never been alone before. That's a VERY HARD transition for anyone!

Just replying to a few posts in one.... I also don't "get" parts therapy myself...but I think if someone embraces that, and it works for them, that's great! That's why there are so many different types of therapy out there....because we're all very different.

Hugs to you Rainbow, you are doing a great job!

Hi Rainbow,

I don't have any incredible words of wisdom... I just wanted to let you know I understand. I feel the same way about my T... She is in a relationship with a woman (no judgment on my part at all, but it's something I've never encountered in my network of family and friends so I feel a lot of emotions about it), and she got engaged this past summer. I fell apart. Completely fell apart. She doesn't know this yet (I told her I'm not ready to talk about it), but I feel even more effected by the fact her partner is a female... The jealousy is tenfold versus if her fiance were a male. It's all so messed up in my head. I think about it way way way too much... I know this isn't helpful, but I just wanted to let you know I understand and can appreciate where you're coming from. I wish you the best of luck as you go through this journey.

Hi Rainbow,
I always admire your courage And authenticity with your t and I am sure she does too. I can relate to a lot of your posts and your feelings with your t but I have never had the opportunity to look at them. I did once try but she shut it down almost immediately. So I enjoy seeing how your t handles your feelings and works through them so well with you. This is the deepest work you can do in therapy and it's confusing, heartbreaking, tiring and worth it if handled correctly. I admire your t also, she does a great job.
Do you think the feelings have gotten worse since the passing of your husband perhaps? Now that you are alone and missing the connection and seeing t happy and engaging in a new relationship is like a mirror reflecting back everything you are missing right now. I find myself falling for unavailable ts who can't give me what I want and it's a hard vicious cycle but you and I both know there is a whole lot more to it. The mere fact that we fall in love with our ts is symbolic of the great work they do with us and gives us a peak into what we need in a relationship outside of t. I am not saying you should enter into a new relationship rainbow because only you know if and when you would like to do that. I am saying that this is an insight into what you crave and desire in an intimate relationship. Things you never got as a child.

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Thanks, merecat. I've tried many different modalities and I like my current T's best. She also does EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, as well as regular talk therapy. I'm not looking for a break at this time but I know changes can sometimes help.

Yes, I have friends, family, and religion, and also my painting. It's just that sometimes I get stuck in the feelings about my T. I feel better now that some time has gone by.

Thanks, Aloan. I don't want to give identifying information so let's say I was married long enough to have children and grandchildren! I'm learning how to take care of myself. Yes, I never lived alone before now.

Thank you for understanding. I understand your feelings totally! If you want to discuss it more, please send me a PM.

We always do understand each other, Mona. Yes, T and I were in the same boat, not having husbands, but now she has a partner and I'm envious. Its complicated. I don't know if I will find a man who can be what I want. I appreciate your thoughts very much.