major disaster... completely distraught

he found the letter angry.

he said he had thought he was on the right track with me but wasn't.

i don't know how to console myself. i am a wreck. i left work early so that i wouldn't break down crying right there in the store.

Your T was angry with the letter? Or he thought the tone of the letter was angry?

(((gerber)))

i had told him the letter might sound angry and he said it did. He said it was ironic that he thought he was on the right track with me but wasn't. He had said that " if you call me in crisis telling me your feelings are overwhelming you because of X, then my first choice of attaction would be to find a way to calm those feelings and make them more managable (ie a more practical approach)." He went on to say that basically if i call him in crisis what can he do but to address the crisis?

oh god i have really messed up bad. i should not have sent that letter. Why didn't i just sit on it for a while? i always do.. read it over and over. This time i did not.

i am going to quit my job i think. How can i deal with people when i am a wreck like this?

Try and wait until you see T again. I sent my pdoc a letter that actually hurt him, but he still wanted to see me and even grabbed me to talk on first sight when I didn't even have an appointment. (I had also been avoiding him.) This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it will help your T get on the right track now that he knows. Hang in there. I understand a little bit - I've sent the same kinds of letters and had the same kind of panic. It can still work out.

No...you don't understand. i don't KNOW that it is the right track, the wrong trach or any damn track. i get myself in a knot and wound and wound and wound... then i am convinced of a lot of things, tru or not. Add into that the fact that in person i am very articulate, forceful and convincing. But i don't even know what is up or down. Maybe what he was already doing really IS the right thing...????????????????? i launched into this whole tiraid about needing to explore feelings more... and used things like "what about the feelings surrounding X? why aren't we looking at that?" The letter is here on this board somewhere. But in the end the thing i wanted most was to have my feelings HEARD, or to KNOW that they have been heard. And now i think maybe he was giving me more of that that i acknowledged...or could acknowledge. The urgent crisis(es) had to come first. He responded to my fascades. i am so hurt and so confused. i am in an absolute panic and i can't stop. The clonazepam didn't help at all... 4mg. i am afraid he will decide not to treat me anymore.. that i am too volatile. i am afraid he will consider this part of my bipolar and send me to my pdoc for this and it has nothing to do with the BP, i know that as i have had it dx'd for 10yrs now.

i appreciate your reply... but why are there so few responses?

I wish I could help more. It does sound like my letter and yours were different. I will send good thoughts your way.

(((gerber)))

Part of therapy is trusting the T and the therapy process.

I understand your worries and fears but you can't control this. His thoughts and actions are up to him and he is competent to do what he thinks is right, as well as to change direction whenever needed. Direction can change many times and that's okay. There is not one clear path and the path is not a straight line. It requires both the T and us to be patient and flexible; it sounds like he is being flexible in considering a different direction to try.

Go and talk about it more. Some things take a lot of talking about.

Tell him everything you've said here.

Do some things to stay focused in the present if you can. In the present, nothing has happened. Your worry of him dedicing to not treat you can only be known to be in your mind (we can't know what's in his mind until he talks about it)

Can you call him to tell him what you're feeling and what your fears are?

I think there might be few responses only because it is a holiday today.

Hang in there. It will be okay.


ECHOES

Hey... I think you guys just have a lot to talk about. I'm not sure why you think he would decide not to treat you anymore. My T has often said to me, "I don't feel like we are on the same page" or "I'm thinking that we are not connecting today." He has also said that although it is okay for me to get angry at him, like any person, he would prefer that I didn't get angry at his so often. Sometimes we get mixed up between our T's being incredibly unique, and being just human. Their responses sometimes surprise us, ESPECIALLY when we had the ideal response in our mind.. I know this always happens to me. I bet you two can work this out. Just be honest with him. When is your next session?

WHOA~ take a deep breath! You have plenty of responses already, and will get more... it's a holiday here in the USA remember??? Plus it has only been a few hours... patience m' lady.

Now, let me see if I'm on the right page with you.

You gave T information in writing that you felt was in an angry spirit. T agreed.
T shared that he was thinking along a different line than anger. You're upset that T didn't know you're angry? But are you also upset that you are angry?
You're concerned that because you found another therapy issue that you will work on, T will quit you?

You think that your crisis was nothing but facade?

(((hugs)))

Breathe.

You have more than one issue to work on with T. T knows this. T won't leave because you came to him for help, which is what he does.

Crisis situations are number one priority, on the phone especially. Telephone calls from T in a crisis are not for therapy work. Therapy work is done in session, not on the telephone (unless it's a planned phone session.) This is standard and good therapist's actions.

T understands the process of therapy and all that it elucidates from a patient. Don't fear but follow the T, sharing what you can about what you think and how you feel when things get out of control and you feel overwhelmed like you do today.

If you read about the 10 Cognitive Distortions that are most common, you might find how you have a few of them, and what to do to begin countering them, so you can assist in your therapy even more.

You're ok right now. You're reading and thinking and spending time with us here at PC (((hugs)))

i can't think straight.. i am beyond upset now. It's like a plane taking off and once it's in the air it flies until it crashes..no safe landing. i have called him twice already but today is the day he;s at the pain management clinic so i was lucky he called me at all this morning. The second call was more seaparate and i said i had cork-screwed myself into the ground based on things he had said....and what i said... and what he didn't say and what i thought... and so on.

i have been crying all day.. off and on..left work earlier b/c of it.

he doesn't make after hours calls so it will be in the morning. i am just going to drug myself into sleep. Another 4mg clonazepam. I am tolerant to the drug.

i wish i could take tomorrow off and just coccoon myself in here. i need that. instead i'll be smiling and saying thank you while wishing people would catch on fire and die.

thank you for responding. a cry for help doesn't understand foreign holidays, or domestic ones for that matter.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T shared that he was thinking along a different line than anger. You're upset that T didn't know you're angry? But are you also upset that you are angry?
You're concerned that because you found another therapy issue that you will work on, T will quit you?

You think that your crisis was nothing but facade?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

no..that isn't right at all. i am not angry, but he thinks i am. He seemed to say i was telling him we have been on the wrong track all this time, and that was ironic as he thought we were on the right track. He is only changing rtacks because of what i said and how i said it...i was very insistent. And no, i think he will term because i am volatile and so all over the place i am beyond his training...he all but said that before.

the crisis, and that should be plural because i have a lot of them due to extreme life circumstances beyond my control, are not a fascade. The fascades have been my appearing well put together and emotionally capable of doing practical work to address the crisis.

and no, the therapy work is not done on the phone... i call him in crisis and THEN in therapy we look at it.

i am very upset and forgive mw if i am reading you wrong or being short with you. i am completely emotionally overloaded and social filtering is not high on the urgent list. Infact, as i said above i am going to go to bed with a few more clonazepams. They don't care what i've done or said.

again.. thanks, even if i never do say the right things

edited because even on my second attempt i couldn't figure out the right word. Stupid word recall side effect

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i had told him the letter might sound angry

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Ok, why did you sense that the letter might sound angry? Perhaps anger is too strong a word? Aren't you frustrated though?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
the therapy work is not done on the phone... i call him in crisis and THEN in therapy we look at it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This is good! When I read your one post it sounded like you expected some answers in the crisis intervention.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i am going to go to bed with a few more clonazepams

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Is this what the doctor suggests when you are feeling this way?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
even if i never do say the right things

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Of course you must say the right things plenty of times.

I didn't read your "facades" incorrectly, btw, from what you are experiencing. It is also quite common when we are so "all over the place" as you say. Society demands that we put ourselves together to fit in, when inside we may be falling apart. Actually, it's a good thing and not really a facade. I suggest you think of yourself as put together being the real you, and the crumbling self as the temporary facade of how you currently feel. (((hugs)))

Have you had a chance to read the 10 common cognitive distortions posted at the top of the Psychotherapy Forum? It really does help to catch ourselves in our thinking errors.

Have a good night, and a better tomorrow. TC

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
gerber said:
But in the end the thing i wanted most was to have my feelings HEARD, or to KNOW that they have been heard. And now i think maybe he was giving me more of that that i acknowledged...or could acknowledge.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Okay! Good thing to know, that can be corrected! The only way you can get out of the middle of the messy feelings is to slough your way through them toward something that looks like dry land! He can/will still give you that! He is merely addressing what he sees, not "judging" you on it. If it looks/sounds angry then it looks and sounds angry, that's all -- it's not a crisis, that is just being acknowledged! You want to be heard and you are getting heard but it's not going to be an easy process, got to get all that muck off first :-) I think you're doing fine, Gerber.

he called me this morning and even though i carried that phone everywhere he somehow managed to call during a moment when i didn't hear it. DAMMIT. i barely slpet waiting for that call. He said i hadn't "screwed it up." The message had some helpful things in it, but it didn't help my feelings at all. He said he had 9 appts today and so he didn't know if he could reconnect with me or not. i called and told him via voicemail that i did still want to try. i am home now, carrying the phone everywhere.

My inkling that te letter was angry was AFTER the session and upon re-reading it once i got home. I didn't mean for it to be angry... but it was intense.

no, my doc does not recommend i dope myself out of consciousness when i am upset... of course not. And that matters why? i do what i feel will get me through.

HE CALLED!!!!! It was just what i needed. He said that yes the letter did souund agrier than session and he was more bland b/c he didn't feel it said anything different than in session... while i has waited all weekend for a response. He reassured me several times that we are fine, more than fine. He thought last session was the most productive we've had. He said that until i learn better skills that calling for reassurance was a goog thing to do. He said he felt we needed to balance the two approaches. i told him i trust him more with that now.

this will be ok now. i can rest easy until monday.... poor guy stayed late to call me.

((( gerber )))

I'm so glad you and he connected and talked about it and you feel relieved and reassured!!