appointment

so as some may know i recently got out of hospital i havent seen either my psychologist or psychiatrist since but i have appointments with both coming up the first one is my psychiatrist which i am very nervous about because he is not aware that i omitted many details while at the hospital. to be fair they didnt ask and i didnt tell and they were going to hurt me. anyway i am worried because the others in my head dont really want me to tell him anything because i guess a few things have changed well not the basic ideas but everything has gotten stronger like i am even more sure about the others and the demons and what i need to do. but i am scared if he finds out i will end up in the hospital again. i dont know what to do because i know he will ask and i dont know what to say i am scared the others well it is complicated but i have to do some stuff for them only ugh i dont know how to say it.
question 1: should i be scared of my psychiatrist

Question 2: if i tell my psychiatrist or psychologist the following do you think i could get sent back to hospital?

ok so um the others in my head arent just entities they are kind of angels only not angels like normal they are Satans angels and they are not exactly just in my head anymore i mean they are still there but they are also other places and the demons are still trying to hurt me but the demons are sent by God only cause he made this world when he wasnt meant to it has kind of messed with things and now things are a little reversed and it is causing problems in the original world because it took something from that world and that is why the others are here and in my head cause i am defective and that is how they got in and other people have others in their heads too only they dont know because their others are controlled by God and they have not been told or allowed to see. which is why it is hard because other people dont think they are going to hurt me when they are because they dont understand what is going on and they cant ever find out because the others in their heads wont let them know. but i still have to do what the others want and they do have magical powers because of Satan the same with how the demons can do stuff because of God. it is kind hard to explain. but do you think i would get sent back to hospital if they knew this?

thanks if you read all this sorry it is so long.

Here's what I think, Eden, and I ain't gonna sugar-coat it:

That stuff in your head all feels very real to you, but it isn't real at all. What you perceive to be angels / demons are no more than disordered thoughts that are running AND ruining your life.

Your life doesn't have to be this way. You need to see the psychiatrist, because he / she can help you. Even though your disordered thoughts are going to tell you that is worst thing you could possibly do, unfortunately it is the only thing that will help you get your life back.

Your life will likely stay the way it is now until you get yourself (or are forced to get) psychiatric help.

Go see the psychiatrist.
Tell him / her what's going on.
Get your life back.

Agree with Luce. I'm sorry that you don't always feel supported Eden , I think you have an enormous struggle going on within you with whatever you want to call things , demons or scary things. There has been a shift of Shamanism into psychotherapy , the Shamans would say the " demons " are our own and parts of ourselves or internalised abusers. And we have to walk through " hell " battle with them , and try to overcome them , to reach " heaven " . Then our demons become angels. I hope you will be honest with the people who are trying to help you.

If you don't want to tell him then dont

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Just have a question. Do you want life to get better or are you happy the way things are? If you not happy with fear and wanting to scream all the time and you want the others not to be so strong tell the docs....they are there to helpyou.

I think in a way you are happy with things as they are, you are scared you won't get attention if this stops. That's kind of how BPD works, it twists your thinking into thinking that change is a bad thing, too scary. You can get to a place where life is better, but it's you who needs to make the changes no body can read your mind and if you don't share what's going on things won't change. You need to take a leap and trust the process

First things first it isn't that freaking simple

This is super rude and does not deserve a reply you have no clue how I feel.

i do not freaking enjoy how things are but I don't believe the doctors will help either but they keep saying I need to see them again and if I don't then there are consequences which I don't have the energy to deal with and I am only still here because nothing I have tried seems to be working I seem to be a complete failure at everything and for some stupid reason I can't do one stupid simple task right although I must say certain laws in Australia seem to make it a lot harder and also please for the last freaking time stop assuming you know how I feel or that you know what is going on I asked a few questions if you aren't here to answer at least one of them then leave me the hell alone I don't have the energy for this and now I feel even worse I give up I can't take this crap anymore.

1--No, i don't think you should be scared, but that doesn't mean you won't be. I think you should try to be as honest as possible with your psychiatrist. You can start off by telling him/her that it was an awful experience; you didn't feel safe, and that you are scared to tell him that you didn't tell the doctors at the hospital because you are afraid of going back and not getting the help you need. You can start off like that, then you don't have to say what you have omitted, but maybe can get reassurance that either he/she will try and listen to you, maybe provide some alternatives? I don't know. But, it is a risk that you may be hospitalized again, depending on the threat of you hurting yourself or others. But really, i know it seems impossible, but you sound exhausted, terrified, confused...and that is no way to live.

2--I guess I answered this in the the first question. Is there only one psychiatric hospital you can go to? I think it is hard for anyone to try and treat you Eden when you hold back so much. I understand that it feels impossible, because bad things will happen, though I wish you could elaborate on that.

I think all this poster was trying to do was let you know YOU have the control in this situation. You can either tell your doctors what is really going on, or you can't/won't...If it isn't that simple, please explain. No one is trying to make you feel worse.
I don't think this poster is telling you how you are feeling, but it seems clear from your posts that you aren't happy, and they are just trying to give you alternate ways of thinking about it. It is ok if you disagree, but from my point of view, I don't think they were trying to be rude. I could be wrong, of course.

You either want help or you don't. If you do, you need to tell them what is going on and let them help you with therapy, meds, whatever. If not, just keep suffering. I'm sorry, but those are your choices.

Thanks for letting us hear from you and know how you are.

Here’s what I think and I won’t sugar-coat it either. Question 1: I don’t think psychiatrists and therapists tend to understand this kind of stuff very well. That doesn’t mean you should be scared of your psychiatrist exactly, it sounds like he wants to try to help but he doesn’t know everything, and so . . .

Question 2: I have never been diagnosed as psychotic and don’t believe I ever have been. From my experience with my dissociative disorder, what you write here makes sense in a way. Not that that’s what things are like for me, but . . . I’m not going to doubt that’s the way things are to you and as long as you’ve been struggling with this it makes more sense to me just to accept that’s the way it is for you. I can explain some more about what things are like for me, if you like, but the focus here is on what to tell your psychiatrist.

First off, I’d suggest that you tell him only what you feel safe telling him. As scared as you are almost all the time, I think many forward-thinking mental health professionals these days might advise you to try to find ways and places to feel safe if you can. There was a current thread on here about that. I wrote about how I’ve never really felt safe in therapy – or, when I did, it was because I was too trusting. And yet I'm still going! . . .So . . .if you’re careful and try to find ways to feel safe, with both your psychiatrist and your internal world, maybe that will help. If not, I'm sorry and please feel free to accept or ignore what I have written here in whatever way feels best and safe to you.

Eden, what I have noticed about your posting is that you ask for help and support (nothing wrong with that - that is what this place is for and you genuinely need it) and people give it as best they can. Sometimes you seem to find that helpful (such as when people offer sympathy, hugs, empathy and the like) and sometimes you don't (such as when people urge you to be honest with your treatment providers).

We are all in a bit of a catch-22 here - however posters respond to you they come from a genuine place of caring and concern. Caring because what you are going through truly sounds awful and unbearable for any human being, and concern because there is valid real-life help and support for you out there but we are actually powerless to help you to get it.
And what I have noticed about your responses to is that when people urge you to talk honestly with treatment providers who can offer you real help and support you react very angrily to them.

So the catch-22 is this: if we simply show empathy and sympathy then we are actually enabling your current status-quo. It doesn't help you in any real way at all, even if it feels better for you in the moment. On the other hand, if we urge you to do the things that will truly help change your current situation you react with anger and dismissal. My guess is that strongly activates your fear.

You are a human being who is in genuine torment, and it is painful for others to watch you suffer through this (though I realise it is nowhere near as painful for you, who is living it moment by moment, every day). There are people who can help you get out of this torment. They are the psychiatrists and other treatment providers who - at the heart of it - are simply other human beings who help people.
They are there. They are more than willing to help you. See if you can let them.

So to answer your questions:
1. No, I don't think you need to be afraid of your psychiatrist, even though you probably will be, simply because what you are going through seems to be terrifying. But I do believe that the psychiatrist will be a safe person who will use all of his or her training and experience to offer you the best help and support possible to ease your suffering.

2. There is a possibility that hospital treatment might be required, BUT if you are willing to try whatever treatment is suggested to you it likely will not be necessary at all. The trick is in being open and willing to give the treatment a go. And at this point you don't have anything to lose. You say yourself nothing else has worked, and if the treatment offered has worked for other people in the same situation as you then it seems at least to be worth a go. You would still have the power and control to stop it at any time if you didn't like it.

I don't think it is wrong to give someone the type of support they ask for rather than insisting upon doing that which they have repeatedly said they do not want. It seems disrespectful to me to ignore someones express request and instead continue doing that which has been asked to cease.

And in my jurisdiction - your second statement is simply not true across the board. I don't know the laws of Eden's jurisdiction as it is a whole other country from mine - but where I practice, what you said is not the case.

I don't think it is necessarily wrong to give people the support they ask for either, stopdog, but neither is it necessarily right to continue to give something that potentially harms more than it helps.

Fair comment. Each country will have its own procedures around that.

If someone repeatedly asks people not to do something and people keep doing it - I consider that disrespectful. I am not able to know what is or is not helpful for another and I don't really believe anyone else is either.

In the US - it varies from state to state.

To answer the OPs questions
1. I don't know about your specific mds and whether they are useful or trustworthy or not. In my professional experience some are okay and some are not - I don't have dealings with them on a personal basis so I don't know from that angle. I would think one could consider going with one's general experience of them.
2. In my jurisdiction they could and often will involuntarily hospitalize you on the basis of such info. I don't know about where you live.

IN the State where I live we have an antiquated Mental health act I don't know what state you are in but your treatment providers must give you a copy of the act or handbook explaining the Act if you ask for it and your rights (in my State, not many) under it.

No sugar coating here Eden.

I'll answer your two questions after I acknowledge the elephant in one of your past post that follows you now, and will continue to follow you until it is addressed by you and people are reassured the elephant has been corralled, taken care of, and snuffed out. The issue is your deities not only want to hurt you, but also want to hurt and destroy other people; innocent people. So, unless you can give assurance, and reassurance to most every reader here that you will not ever bring harm to anyone besides yourself, then you will continue to get many posters that ignore your need or want to get support in the fashion you desire. This is my observation from looking at patterns of different post.

BUT, I get pretty upset, mother bearish, and indignant when one talks about hurting another. No one has a right to take the life of another. (Please don't say what about war?) You are having those thoughts eden, so of course many here want you to down that pill, inject that drug, spill your guts to psychiatrist, psychologist, and the CIA, if it will get you off the streets, locked up and drugged up till that ONE symptom to hurt others goes away.

I believe you post, because you want a way to stay alive, so I respond, and encourage you to hang in, because I know it ain't easy. Especially, as easy as your responders postulate it to be. If it was, our own dramas would have been attended to long ago, and we would be leading the pain free lives, the relief, that so many of them are promising you.

Now to answer your questions:

1. I don't know if you should be scared of your psychiatrist. If it were me in your shoes at this moment, I would because I have no better alternatives. If I had to put my trust in the demons or the psychiatrist, I'm going for the lesser of the two evils: the psychiatrist. The demons have had you in a lot worse shape than any psychiatrist has put you from all you've shared.
2. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but usually it's about money. They won't keep you anywhere longer than they need. From what you share here, as to what you tell them, they don't have much to go on, and they have to guess, and pull teeth. So, they make decisions without input from you. What do you think is the worse that would happen if you came clean with them? Has anything the demons commanded of you given you any relief from your woes that are worth talking about? From my own experience and from what I read here from others the thoughts in our imaginations are far mor painful than what happens in real life.

My hope is that will hang in eden1515. I sense a fighting spirit in you, and my hope is that you are willing to hang on long enough till you trust somebody to help you in your search for relief... Sometimes honesty hurts.

ETA: My humblest opinions only

Best wishes,
wtr

Eden,
Is there anyway to get a psychiatrist that you trust? I'm feeling this psychiatrist is not right for you. I really think you need to keep a journal of all the nasty thinks the demons say to you and give it to someone you trust. The demons are scared to go away. Hopefully the psychiatrist can help. Are you on meds? I'd tell the psychiatrist that if you tell him what's going on he'll hospitalize you before even talking about it. Just so he knows you want to do everything in your power to stay out of the hospital. If you're okay with it even an anti psycotic shot.

I want to think about this some more and maybe post something about "aggressive impulses" in another thread, but I just want to point out that what you are posting about is your own mother-bearish response. Which is another kind of elephant in the room, it seems to me, willing to throw Eden under the bus for the "greater good". People have aggressive impulses. They are there for a reason. I had mine dissociated for many years and never felt a wish to harm anybody else. But the impulses were still in me and there is a difference between having an impulse and doing something. It's a difficult topic and I don't have the words right now. Anybody who does and wants to start another thread before I can get to it, please do.

I am Not throwing eden1515 under the bus. If you go back and look at her previous threads, post, and thank you's, where what eden1515 wanted from people, got to be you need drugs, drugs and more drugs, and hospitalization and drugs, and fewer people were willing to give her what she said she wanted and needed, was when she mentioned harming others. I don't believe and never have believed that she is a danger to herself, only because she is reaching out for help. I only use myself as an example as mother bearish, etc as a collective we. If I separate myself on this forum it is just more fodder for the cannon. But, also I don't want to see anyone hurt, including eden1515, so all my posts have always been about hanging in, etc because she has always wanted support, and not unsolicited advice. If she has asked , then I have responded. If she has said its not helpful, and only wants continued moral support, then I try to give it. If you go back and read her threads, unsolicited advice giving is what they have become. The one exception is when she was in the hospital, there seem to be a collective sigh of relief, because she would finally be forced to take the drugs so many here on this forum felt she needed. That's when I clearly saw a pattern. And, I can be wrong about that.

But none of what I believe changes the fact, that on most her recent threads, she continues to get the message: "sh** or get off the pot." That attitude is not expressed as far as I can see to any other posters that are experiencing suicidal ideation.

ETA: In answer to her questions 1&2 on this thread), I don't feel I can explain myself any more clearly.

I want to reiterate to you, and anyone else, but especially to eden1515, that I believe that, thoughts, no matter how prevalent they are, will be acted on. I do think, many people here think that, and the only way to solve it, is hospitalization and drugs. I have never believed that and doubt I ever will.

How can giving someone something, i.e. support, that eden request harm her, because they believe she need something else as some suggest?

I've bolded the parts of your post that read to me like you are willing to throw Eden under the bus:

In my experience it has only been since I could accept the feeling that I wanted to hurt someone that I became less afraid of my own aggressive impulses and, therefore, the aggressive impulses of others.

Quitely plainly said, if you aren't prepared to hear a negative reply then why ask the question? You have received some excellent responses here - ones that have been neither mean spirited nor hurtful.

Frankly, the people here are concerned. I will come right out and tell you that you are experiencing all out psychosis - and you need to do something about it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. There are those out there that can help you - the hospital just may be the most appropriate place.

Respond to here today:

I'm not sure how what you said works, I'm not understanding how they go together. I will continue to try or seek help to understand this. Whenever suicide comes up in any thread I have always felt that it is a fair, and equal alternative in response to living with emotional pain as oppose to therapy, hospitalization, drugs... Very few on these forums feel that way, they stress the importance of riding out that pain, drugs, therapy, hospitalization... I don't. I believe just as equally in the right to kill oneself, for what ever reason they choose should be left up to them. I have never waivered from that view point. And, this thread is the first time I have tried to voice what I think I am reading in the responses to eden@"'s threads. Do no harm to others. And, I do agree with that. We know no one else's pain and their abilities to cope, so we can only give them what they are seeking,and eden has made it loud and clear what she wants, but few are willing to heed that call, and even more so after she voiced harming others, and giving dead lines. We will have to agree to disagree. And, it is really up to eden to decide what is useful to her. I'm on the sign-
off list so I won't be able to throw people under the bus as you put it. I hope you, sd, and a few the others will continue to give her what she ask for in terms of support. She like all other posters on here deserves that respect.

Yes, thanks, agree to disagree on some things. Including I don't think we "have to", because lots of time people don't, but I take you up on your kind offer!!