The negative side to knowing a lot about a T's personal life

When they have to cancel due to a "family emergency" (per the receptionist), your mind goes to a more negative scenario than maybe one of his kids isn't feeling well and had to be picked up from school. Really, it goes to something much worse.

Not sure I would want to know that much. It does make me feel selfish it I think for me it is an important boundary to keep for many reasons.

Has there been any indication of something else going on? If not, I'd go with the somebody's sick issue or a death in the family, etc. Those things happen. Resist the urge to catastrophize.

I hate when I hear that my t has a life outside of therapy. It is hard but can you try not to think the worst or jump to conclusions without knowing all of the details.

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I know you have heard a little about a family member of his being ill. Try not to imagine the worst. It could be innocuous

I hope that your mind is settled soon. It cannot be easy at all.

But catastrophizing is my thing! (Thanks, generalized anxiety disorder! And OCD...) There is a reason I'm concerned*, but I don't know that this is related to that person. Basically, his wife has some type of illness/medical condition that requires someone to be there with her at the house at all times. In response to my question (see below), MC described it as something more chronic, that he'd rather be dealing with this than certain other conditions, and it's manageable. From a story he shared recently, I think she may be in a wheelchair. He's in his early 50s, and he said she's the same age.

*Background: After a few "family emergency" cancellations early last year (right around when I was about to share transference feelings), something my T said to help me realize the cancellations were for a good reason, something I overheard being said to the receptionist about why he was late (home health worker wasn't there yet), T confirming something that his kids were OK, then MC telling a story during our session about his wife waking up at night and needed him to help her to the bathroom, that made me start to connect the dots--and then when I told T what I was wondering, and her eyes started tearing up (they've worked together for years)...So then I ended up asking him about it and he shared a bit.. This was all over the course of like a year, and he was fine with me asking about it once I put things together.

Note: I had a thread a little while back on this, when I was considering asking about what I'd put together, and things got a little ugly, with some people saying rather harsh things to me about the fact that I was considering asking him. So I'm hoping that won't happen here. I'm not going to pry about this, except to say I hope everyone's OK. (Which, to me, isn't prying, but expressing care/concern.) I care deeply about him, he knows that, he's said repeatedly that he's fine with me asking things and sharing any thoughts/feelings I have regarding him or anything else. I wouldn't press him if he didn't answer something. Hope that explains things enough!

Thanks, Echos. Yeah, I knew you were aware of the story You're absolutely right--he may have just been feeling under the weather and told the receptionist to cancel his appts, and he (receptionist) just used "family emergency" as a catchall. Or his dog could have been sick. Or it could have been something with one of his siblings. Or anyone/thing really.

A big part of anxiety (in general) is the whole unknown...

Just butting in (sorry!) to say people have no right to be harsh with you even if you do/did decide to enquire.

This is your therapy. No one knows your relationship (you and T & you and MC etc) or what goes on in your therapy better than you. People can surely advise (hopefully politely) but at the end of the day, it is your decision Again, you are the one having a history with these guys!

Anyway, I hope he (and his wife) are okay. It’s nice of you to show you care but yep, reign the thoughts in so you are not overwhelmed and go straight to a dark place.

I don't think it matters really, for some, if they know about the personal life or not. There are a lot of posts (so it seems to me), where people know next to nothing about the therapist and yet go to the worst thing possible (whatever that is for someone) if the therapist cancels.

For me, while I don't particularly want anything tragic to befall the woman, I don't consider it any of my business. I don't see that as mean, just as how they set the game up. There would be no point in me becoming much concerned or worried about it - it simply has nothing to do with me and there would be nothing I could do about it. I say this in part because I have a very close, very sick person in my life and it can become burdensome if, for example, a student (sometimes they find out about it) becomes concerned for me. I wish I could explain this better than I am doing.

I think it's pretty clear.

It's natural to care about a therapist, especially if you have the transference you do, LT. If you want to text or whatever, and it's not unwelcome, go ahead.

I look at it as they are in charge of their lives and I am in charge of mine, and never the twain shall meet - I function better that way. But that's just me.

Certainly if OP wants to text or do whatever, then I hope it goes well. I was just sort of musing and thinking about it for me - like would it matter to me if I knew and why it would not.

I understand this, I think? Then you're having to deal with the student's feelings about it as well, even if their feelings are just "I'm sorry this happened." For some of us, dealing with feelings is stressful.

I would think a therapist would not have that sort of reaction to an expression of care or concern though.

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I don't know if a therapist would or not. I will start a poll.

LT, your mc has always been non-shaming and accepting of your interest in his life, and it also has seemed that he's very mindful that your worry about him does not interfere with your own well being. If he's got a serious family situation going on, he will need to take care of that, but it doesn't mean he won't also be there for you when he's able to. He seems to have always come through for you before. Is it possible to contact your therapist about your concerns?

Thanks, RuhRoh. I agree that he's seemed very accepting and non-shaming (good choice of words with that one). He often says how feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong, but they just are. So it's not like he'd say it's wrong for me to care about him and his wellbeing outside of our weekly sessions.

To me, if he wants me to stop asking or stop bothering him, then it's up to him to say something. I've apologized before for calling or texting him about my own stuff (not his personal life), and when I did that recently*, he said he wasn't going to accept my apology because I had nothing to apologize for. I've expressed concern before that he would get angry at me or terminate if I contacted him too much (like, OK, a text or two is fine, but what if I was texting every hour?), but he says he wouldn't do that, that we'd talk about it. So I imagine it would be the same if I was asking too much about his personal life.

I did e-mail my T (late) last night about some stuff, including that I'm concerned about MC. Unfortunately, I don't see her till tomorrow, and she only sometimes responds to e-mails. But if H or I don't hear back from him today about rescheduling (receptionist said he'd call last night or today), I might send T a text just to see if she knows if MC is OK (she'd at least know if he was in the office today). She knows how much I care about him, so I know she'd get why I'd be concerned. (I wouldn't bother him again unless, I knew he was back at work or if it had been, like, a week.)

*I e-mailed him something rather intense thoughts/feelings, didn't hear back for a day or two, and texted him about the e-mail, which led him to immediately reply to my e-mail. (Then that reply upset me, and he ended up calling and talking to me for a bit the next day, which made me feel better.)

It helps to be able to write about it on here, too. It could be something really minor, and he may have just not had a chance to get back to us about scheduling, so I'm worrying for no reason. But as someone with generalized anxiety, "worry" is unfortunately kind of my default setting...(though therapy is helping me with that--I mean, I'm trying to do something about the worry instead of just letting it fester, for example...)

Oh, doing something about the worry, that sounds like it could be a good idea. By that do you mean you contacted him rather than worried about it? Maybe I could use more of this in my life as I am prone to festering, a lot.

i can relate to this. i know my T has a mental illness. 2 yrs ago his wife told my friend he was "going through something". my friend told me. of course i freaked out wondering if he was OK. i texted him a long text explaining my fears and asking him if he is all right. he sent me back a text that said yes he is ok and that he isn't going to abandon me. i wasn't sure what that meant, the abandon part. about a month later we were talking on the phone and he told me he was resigning from the program i met him in. he then told me he was going to still see me in a private practice he was planning to open up. so the abandon thing made sense to me at that moment. i felt so relieved.

i can totally understand the concerns you have especially when it's coupled with parental transference for the therapist. hopefully your MC understands this as well (which i think he does, from what i've read about him). i hope he responds to you soon

I have a great T and we often talk about personal things. I often ask him "personal" questions, but always start with "I have a question for you, but if it's too personal or makes you uncomfortable answering, that's fine..."

He has yet to not answer one of my questions, but he is given a simple out if needed. Let's face it, even though you are in "professional" relationship with your T, it's also one of the most "Emotionally Intimate" relationships you'll ever have... It would only be natural for you to care about them, especially if you've been in long term therapy.

I would just take a deep breath and next time you see him, tell him that you missed seeing last time and hope everything is ok now...this gives him an opening to share with you (since you already know a little) or to pass it off (just don't take offense if he doesn't share, he's human too and it might be something too pain for him to talk about at this time)

I appreciate everyone's comments! Just as an update, he was back in the office yesterday, and we talked on the phone briefly to reschedule for Tuesday. He apologized for having to cancel, I said I understood, but didn't press for any more information. It was good to just hear his voice.

I felt like my t was reluctant to be specific about his holiday weekend plans. Then I mentioned that I wished I was seeing him tomorrow and not my brother. So I think he was just giving me space to have my own feelings about my own life, uncomplicated by any transference. Cuz later when I got home, I was definitely wanting to call him and tell him to not go away, to just spend the weekend with me I'm having a hard time getting in the groove here.

A less positive update...MC called a couple hours ago to cancel for tomorrow And he said he'd have to be out Wed., too. Hope he's OK... He wanted to confirm our usual time next Monday, but I asked if he possibly had anything earlier than that--been having a really rough week with H (plus I miss him, but didn't want to say that). So he's fitting us in on Saturday. I worry he'll end up having to cancel that, too...

I'm sorry Lonesome. That sounds really tough. I know the not knowing can be really hard especially when you care like you do for MC. Also I know from your other posts you've been having a really hard time, so it's horrible timing. Can you contact your T? I'm wondering if she might have any ideas for coping if you are struggling with H, or I wonder if H would be up for sitting down and discussing things as though you were having an MC session? I don't know if that would relieve the tension, I'm just throwing ideas around.

Thanks, Echos. I did end up texting my T last night because of some stuff I was stressed about (she wrote back), then after MC canceled today, I texted her and asked her to let me know if she had any cancellations tomorrow. She wrote back a little bit ago, saying she'd been sick and hadn't been sure about coming in tomorrow, but thinks she will. And that she'd let me know about any cancellations. So that helps (though obviously it's out of my control whether any cancellations happen).

I think I'm a little nervous about talking to H about stuff because of how Saturday night went with the fighting in the restaurant--he brought something up, and it seemed to escalate quickly from there. But in the past, we've had conversations about issues between us, sometimes the night before an MC session, and they've gone well--and then we've just been able to discuss them more in session. Think I might wait until after I see T, when I can unload some of the other stuff in my head, then try talking to H... He's been pretty supportive today, at least! (He's off work and D is off school because it's Memorial Day here.)