Is there a general thread here for people who aren't currently in therapy and have mixed emotions about returning to therapy, if ever? I'd love to read and post dialogue on this issue, but I don't want to offend anyone. I'm not trying to persuade anyone, I just am disenchanted by therapy now and have been for awhile. Is there anyone else out there like me?

[A18793715]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Is there a general thread here for people who aren't currently in therapy and have mixed emotions about returning to therapy, if ever? I'd love to read and post dialogue on this issue, but I don't want to offend anyone. I'm not trying to persuade anyone, I just am disenchanted by therapy now and have been for awhile. Is there anyone else out there like me?

*raises hand* Many times.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am not currently in therapy and at this point don't predict I will return, but not because I am disenchanted with therapy. I just am finally through with it as far as I can tell. I might would return down the road if the need arose, but I suspect it would be short term.

[songofthesea]

Good call, after the weird thread where someone declared people not in therapy currently shouldn't be on the boards.

I'm taking a two week hiatus; I feel we've come to a standstill and we never had goals really. I've spent time disenchanted, and I've discussed that with him. Or rather made him complicit in my avoidance. The only reason I stayed for so long is that he seems cool - I wouldn't have bothered sticking around with any other therapist I tried because I previously did not believe in it and they confirmed this belief.

Why are you disenchanted and why do you have mixed emotions?

Thanks for your replies. I see and have experienced the value of therapy. I also have been damaged by an ill-trained but well-meaning therapist. I'm over that situation and even processed it with a subsequent therapist.

Having a great experience and then a pretty bad one with a T, mix in some ho-hum Ts...I am on the fence as to therapy for me now. I think it's mainly because I don't think I need therapy right now. I had a few years of great therapy. Unless a major life change occurred, I don't think I need a therapist right now.

My pdoc would prefer I have a therapist because he wants the best for me. I once told him I didn't need a therapist and he looked at me and sardonically asked did I not have any issues. lol

Sure, I have issues but I think the main one is whether therapy is a good idea. Maybe I'm afraid. I see so many people here get very close to their Ts and it can be painful. I feel for them.

I don't want that attachment. I don't want to be anticipating my next appt to see T. I don't want to care if T is on vacation, or seems off one day, etc. I don't want to pay my T money to process how attached I am to them. I don't want to know personal things about them. I don't want them to do anything to make me feel special, other than supported. They are a tool in a toolbox, to me.

I had none of those thoughts or concerns about my good T, but he had counter-transference and handled it very, very poorly. I was attached to him in a therapist-client bond only. But it hurt like hell. It came out of nowhere (to me) and our therapeutic bond was completely destroyed. We tried to repair it, but It was not the same for me, at all. It was like my therapist was gone and there was just some guy sitting there.

I graciously left after a few unsuccessful sessions. He thanked me for teaching him things....I don't want to be that person ever again. And he wasn't a bad guy....it was just bad, I guess. We never even did text, email, or phone calls. Only phone calls for scheduling where I always received a voice mail in an electronic voice. He said our therapy was sterile and it was like he wasn't even there. I just accepted him because I trusted him and he was helping me in therapy. He was huge on boundaries and that was fine with me. What a mess.

I'm not putting anyone down here, at all. I think it's great you can open up to your Ts like you do and get so much out of therapy.

I either don't need therapy or I do not want to risk getting hurt again in therapy. I think the system is highly skewed to protect the Ts, as well. I don't like the if it gets tough, ditch them with a referral sheet. That's a very weak ethical obligation- a client could be devastated by that and for the T, it's just next client in the appointment book.

That's where I'm at. Helped in therapy, hurt in the end by T but not on purpose. Never succeeded in finding a replacement T. Got over it, I'm not angry. At this point, I feel I'm doing ok non-T. If I had a major life issue arise, I can see getting a T for short-term support.

Anyone want to post about going non-T?

[Ididitmyway]

I have similar views on therapy, Rainy, and similar experiences - both helpful and harmful. I like dialogues aimed at understanding therapy process, as it stands, and its various dynamics in terms of their potential to both harm and help. I also like discussing solutions to the existing systemic problems of therapy. I am not interested at all in pointless and toxic debates where people try to "win" the argument, as opposed to find a mutual understanding and to learn from each other.

I am definitely a "no therapy" person at the moment and, I suspect, for the rest of my life. All the healing work I've done for the past 5 years was done with no therapy. I used a spiritual approach to life, a lot of self-care, self-education and, occasionally alternative healing methods. So, if by "no therapy thread" you meant discussing how to heal and grow with no therapy, then I am a good match for that type of discussion. I just prefer to talk about it outside of this forum though because I don't feel that this is a place where such discussions will be appreciated, certainly not from what I've seen here. So, if you are ok to do it in a PM format, feel free to PM me.

Thanks for your reply. I don't need to PM, but I appreciate the offer. I'm focusing on self-healing, too, along with brief psychotherapy sessions with my psychiatrist every month.

I didn't create this to get into a debate over whether therapy is a good or bad idea. I think that is an individual question. If pressed, I'd say it is a good thing. It helped me tons. I just had an odd experience and I don't think therapy is now wrong because I had an unusual experience.

I think therapy is COMPLEX, which is why I started this thread. Complex is good! There is no right or wrong answer, or a one-size-fits-all treatment for a patient/client. For me, that currently is no-T for me.

My interest was mainly in discussing why you decided not being in therapy was best for you and what other forms of healing/mental health management you use in lieu of a T. I'm open to broader discussion related to being non-T, too.

I didn't intend to make a thread that is a soapbox saying all therapists are evil and therapy is useless, etc. I figured we were well-mannered and respectful enough here to not go that route? I could be mistaken. I was thinking healthy, thought-provoking discussion including non-T alternatives.

Did I mess up by making this thread? I dont want to cause discord.

[Ididitmyway]

You didn't cause any discord at all. I know you didn't start the thread as a debate about whether therapy is good or bad. I wasn't referring to you at all when I said that I don't like toxic debates on the subject. What I meant was that there are too many of toxic debates on this forum and, therefore, the subject you are offering for discussion may not be appreciated by many people here who are interested in "winning" the argument, not in understanding the complexity of therapy.

You want to start an interesting and deep conversation, but there is a good chance that it will turn into something else on this forum, something you didn't intend to do at all. That's all I was saying.

Thanks, I appreciate your reply very much.

[here today]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

. . .
I think therapy is COMPLEX, which is why I started this thread. Complex is good! There is no right or wrong answer, or a one-size-fits-all treatment for a patient/client. For me, that currently is no-T for me.

My interest was mainly in discussing why you decided not being in therapy was best for you and what other forms of healing/mental health management you use in lieu of a T. I'm open to broader discussion related to being non-T, too.

. . . I dont want to cause discord.

Thanks very much for starting this thread. And it occurred to me, too late, that some people don't like to have only incomplete parts of their posts quote, so I'm sorry if my doing that concerns you.

Yes, I agree, therapy is complex. I'm in the process, I think, of going no-T, against my T's current preferences, I think, but it seems to me like I may finally have the self-confidence (and "better" sense of self) to be able to do that. Which may then mean, in my case, no more need for T? We'll see.

I've also been helped a lot by discissions here online and some in-person peer support which is fortunately available at no cost where I live.

Spirituality seems also important but I haven't yet found a place to "land" so to speak -- the religion I grew up in doesn't quite fit and though I find value in several others I don't yet feel comfortable in any one community. But maybe that's something I long for that is not required. I long for belonging just generally, as part of the issues that I had.

I like this thread. I think it is important to discuss what we do to care for ourselves without therapy -- whether therapy ended well for us or whether we simply find it isn't working well for us and we need to find something else that will help us instead. Therapy isn't for everyone all of the time, or even at all.

It feels good to be in a place where I no longer rely on that other person to get through. While therapy did me great good, I always felt somewhat broken in that I needed that other person to help me navigate through my life (and I truly did need that other person - I was in pretty bad shape). But I longed to be truly healthily independent in my ability to manage life.

Fortunately for me, I had a therapist and a pdoc who both had the philosophy that the goal was for me NOT to need them and they always kept me moving in that direction. It was my therapist who got me back to the place where I could rejoin life and that was the real transition into my independence from therapy I guess.

You mentioned spirituality, and for me, that was something I really needed to get back in touch with. I realize it isn't for everyone, but my church and my faith had always been a deeply defining part of who I was and I had isolated myself from it for quite a few years. My T and I talked about that and the reasons I had isolated myself from my spirituality, and eventually I got to a place where I chose to step back into my church. Getting back to that place, those people, that support system, has been refreshing and nurturing for me.

I've found my supports outside of therapy through reinvolving myself in activities that feed my soul and that I'm passionate about. I had lost my passion. I hadn't engaged in my music in quite a few years when I was depressed - it was part of my isolation. But once I stepped back into my church and the church choir, that spark for music seems to be relit. And I very uncharacteristically took a huge musical risk to get highly involved in a musical activity that involved meeting new people, highly scheduled and structured rehearsal time, performance . . . and did I mention meeting and working with completely new people? Total strangers! That was major for me. I am NOT a social animal. But I did it, and I discovered I enjoyed it, and I've grown very fond of those like-minded passionate music people which has really changed my life. I've gain confidence in myself again - or maybe truly for the first time in my life if I am to be honest with myself.

Belonging. You mentioned that need, and I agree that is very important and perhaps part of what my therapist did for me for many years. I was isolated from most other relationships, so having that other person to engage with regularly was at least some sense of belonging. But it wasn't real -- not in the sense that it involved real-world interaction and relationships outside those four walls. But therapy bridged a gap for me while I got myself to a place where I finally could re-engage in relationships and passions on my own -- and that is an important role of therapy for many people I think and shouldn't be discounted.

Originally Posted by songofthesea

Good call, after the weird thread where someone declared people not in therapy currently shouldn't be on the boards.

Yes, those comments on that thread were disheartening, but I don't think they are the general opinion, just the louder opinion.

Personally, I think part of the psychotherapy experience/process is discussing life after therapy, life without therapy. How to transition, how to manage, how to deal with the change and, for many, the real loss.

That aspect doesn't get discussed here much in a a very proactive way. (And it seems to not come up much within therapy either for many people which is a shortcoming really). It only tends to come up when suddenly someone has found themselves in the position of having to be without therapy. Hopefully this thread can be a start of having a reasonable, helpful discussion about life after therapy -- for whatever the reason one is without.

[Yours_Truly]

I wish I had right now the kind of therapy experience lolagrace had. Maybe if I'd had it all these past years I'd be in a better place today. But I've taken what they offer, a revolving door of short term therapists usually just starting out until the next one comes along. That's all I can afford.
Idk, maybe it is my fault. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
I envy the place you all are at.

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

I wish I had right now the kind of therapy experience lolagrace had. Maybe if I'd had it all these past years I'd be in a better place today. But I've taken what they offer, a revolving door of short term therapists usually just starting out until the next one comes along. That's all I can afford.
Idk, maybe it is my fault. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
I envy the place you all are at.

That's one of the real problems with mental health service availability I think. So many people are very restricted in what services are available and affordable, and they get short-changed so much of the time. Know it isn't a failure on your part at all; that is a failure in our system that's cause gets tangled up in policy and politics and is a whole other subject.

But to tie you post to this thread, what can you do or what information/ideas could others who have been without therapy/after therapy offer that might be supportive to you when you are at those times on your own and without a therapist?

[88Butterfly88]

I go to therapy but feel like it's coming to a stand still with no progress. My insurance is finally paying for it 100% so I like that but not sure if it's helping and if I should quit or not.

[BayBrony]

I feel like sometimes its just not the right " time" for therapy. I was in therapy during vet school, then did not return for nearly 15 years. Reason being my real life, building my career and marriage, etc etc required ALL NY focus. I was a newly practicing veterinarian , then by the time I had enough years experience to feel comfortable I decided to start my own practice. So then I was a new business owner starting a business.
I didn't have the spare emotional energy or focus for therapy during that time.
I decided my problems, while big, were manageable enough , or more manageable than another major commitment would be.
When my practice was established, I was ready to devote energy to therapy.
To do that I had to put some other big projects on hold. My hope eventually is that as I get my trauma worked through therapy will take less and less of my emotional energy.
Then I'd have spare energy to return to my big project ( 2nd draft of my novel)
So, we go through different stages of life and some stages therapy just does not seem possible.

As I posted earlier, I'm on a break from therapy, between therapists and thinking over whether therapy will benefit me in the future.

I haven't arrived at that answer but I like the fact that re-entering therapy is always an option for me. It is simply one I don't need to rush back into at this time. Therapy helped me a lot and it's comforting to know it's an option, although I feel good where I'm at for now. I'm enjoying my independence.

[Coconutzo]

I definitely wonder if I should still be going. Sometimes I think I rely on it too much. Other times I feel like I spend too much money on it. Sometimes I think it causes me to worry too much about "illness". Sometimes it's salvation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

I definitely wonder if I should still be going. Sometimes I think I rely on it too much. Other times I feel like I spend too much money on it. Sometimes I think it causes me to worry too much about "illness". Sometimes it's salvation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have resembled all of those remarks at one time or another.

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I feel like sometimes its just not the right " time" for therapy. I was in therapy during vet school, then did not return for nearly 15 years. Reason being my real life, building my career and marriage, etc etc required ALL NY focus. I was a newly practicing veterinarian , then by the time I had enough years experience to feel comfortable I decided to start my own practice. So then I was a new business owner starting a business.
I didn't have the spare emotional energy or focus for therapy during that time.
I decided my problems, while big, were manageable enough , or more manageable than another major commitment would be.
When my practice was established, I was ready to devote energy to therapy.
To do that I had to put some other big projects on hold. My hope eventually is that as I get my trauma worked through therapy will take less and less of my emotional energy.
Then I'd have spare energy to return to my big project ( 2nd draft of my novel)
So, we go through different stages of life and some stages therapy just does not seem possible.

I put therapy on the back burner in the early years of having my kids. I was so distracted and busy that I don't think I would have had the emotional energy for therapy like you said. I found when I went back this last time, when my kids were older and more independent, that I definitely had more focus and a better idea of what I needed from therapy.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think anyone should blame themselves for finding support in whatever form they can.

I feel more or less like Lolagrace in that my therapy was long-term, very needed at the time, successful, and well-past. It allowed me to grow into the potential that had been perverted and distorted in childhood. The structure of sessions ended @ 18 years ago, but the process of self-reflection continues. My T didn't teach me "skills" for coping with life, but rather established through interaction a process of perception that changed how I related to myself and others. The more I learn about various psychological theories, the more enhanced my reflection has become. It's not that life stops throwing curve balls; it's just that I'm no longer burdened by the consequences of past pain and have gained a different way of thinking. So for me, continued engagement with psychology enhances the reflection that keeps me centered and whole in myself. That in turn allows me to engage more fully and widely within my life. The unburdening freed up energy to put into action in my life so that I wasn't isolated anymore and could have a web of social ties that, when life difficulties happen, can be a source of support. As Lolagrace said, at the time, the support of a T was needed and appropriate; now, it isn't. Support comes in many forms once you are able to participate in it.

So the challenge becomes finding what feeds your sense of agency in the world? It's going to be different for everyone. But how I distinguish whether I could benefit from therapeutic help or rely on social support is by assessing the degree to which I feel that I am shaping my life, vs feeling shaped by life. It's not about distraction from issues, nor just keeping them in check--that would be an indication for me that I needed more therapy. It's about being freed from that struggle.

So what will enhance your being who and how you want to be in your life? Therapy? Spirituality? Adoption of a goal? A passion? I'm not sure the exact form makes much difference as long as it is genuine to your self and positive. Be "for" something rather than "against" something. Being "for" I think inspires an expanding of self, while being "against" encourages a shrinking of self.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by here today

Spirituality seems also important but I haven't yet found a place to "land" so to speak -- the religion I grew up in doesn't quite fit and though I find value in several others I don't yet feel comfortable in any one community. But maybe that's something I long for that is not required. I long for belonging just generally, as part of the issues that I had.

I just wanted to clarify my point on spirituality. My approach to spirituality has nothing to do with any religion. I was raised an atheist, never belonged to any religious community. In the country where I came from people don't think of spirituality as something religious. But, here, in the US, people seem to use those terms interchangeably, don't know why.

My spirituality is simply my personal set of beliefs I have developed over the course of my life time that include understanding of the forces that work behind the scenes, some of which are explained by quantum physics and quantum mechanics.

One of the spiritual beliefs I hold that has helped me tremendously and, in fact, has become the main factor in my trauma recovery, is the belief that everything has a meaning and a purpose and that the most traumatic experiences can serve as opportunities for our personal growth and expansion/liberation.

I've never had the need to belong to any spiritual community though I would like to have connections with like-minded people for sure.

All in all, I most certainly didn't speak of a religion when I spoke of spirituality. Those are not the same to me.

[Lola5]

This is a great post. I am still struggling with going back to therapy after several very bad experiences and some unremarkable ones. It's interesting for me to hear what others have to say.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I just wanted to clarify my point on spirituality. My approach to spirituality has nothing to do with any religion. I was raised an atheist, never belonged to any religious community. In the country where I came from people don't think of spirituality as something religious. But, here, in the US, people seem to use those terms interchangeably, don't know why.

My spirituality is simply my personal set of beliefs I have developed over the course of my life time that include understanding of the forces that work behind the scenes, some of which are explained by quantum physics and quantum mechanics.

One of the spiritual beliefs I hold that has helped me tremendously and, in fact, has become the main factor in my trauma recovery, is the belief that everything has a meaning and a purpose and that the most traumatic experiences can serve as opportunities for our personal growth and expansion/liberation.

I've never had the need to belong to any spiritual community though I would like to have connections with like-minded people for sure.

All in all, I most certainly didn't speak of a religion when I spoke of spirituality. Those are not the same to me.

Very nicely stated. Interestingly enough, even though my spirituality is tied to my religion (and very much my family culture and history), I would say pretty much exactly the same things you have said here. I really like the part I bolded. I don't think I believed that or understood that though except in retrospect. It's hard to see or believe that in the midst of the pain and difficulty of working through traumatic experience.

[Skeezyks]

The Skeezyks has seen a few therapists for brief periods, over the years. They ranged from mediocre to dreadful! I no longer see one & have no intention of ever seeing one again. I do still have a pdoc. However I'm no longer on med's & have no intention of going back on them. The last time I was in to see my pdoc, I told him I'd just come in once a year in order to keep my file open... just in case. So far at least, that's still my plan...

The thing is... I'm an older person. There has been SO much water that has flowed under the bridge, as the saying goes. I don't really believe therapy can be of much help anymore. What's done is done. Plus there has been so much I simply could never talk about. The humiliation factor would be off the charts! There's no changing any of it. And, at least in my case, there's no feeling better about it either. It simply is what it is. So I strive to accept who I am with what lovingkindness & compassion I can muster while I wait for the end to arrive. It can't come too soon...