[Longingforhome]

So I am really aware lately of this desire for comfort and feeling really disconnected from my body...actually, I feel driven out of it by just huge amounts of stress and busy-ness and drinking and lack of self-care.

I have been having these images in my head of 'comforting' things - mostly involving other actual human beings, which is unusual for me. I don't find people at all comforting, mostly they just scare me. Even my H and I don't have a physical relationship any more, at all.

Last session with T I found myself imagining myself crawling into the chair beside him and resting my head on his chest, rubbing my cheek against his shirt. Sort of like a kitten. Before that, I had this fantasy about my parents being really supportive and kind and encouraging (farthest thing from how they ever were in life).

So I am trying to see these as signals that I need some gentleness and care and kindness. I do get this from H, even if not in a physical sense, but he, too, is busy and stressed - and what I am craving seems quite infantile. Not really 'adult' needs.

I'm trying to work out what I can do for myself, to provide some soothing and calm and gentleness. Yesterday I was just absolutely exhausted after a quick fire series of flights etc to another city for a meeting, and juggling everything else that is going on.

So far I have

- got a massage to calm my nervous system down. It worked.
- taken today off work to just get a breather. I've been feeling less and less productive lately and I think I need to recharge (this one not like me at all)
- made a booking for a restorative yoga class tonight
- arranged to meet a friend, just to catch up
- committed to myself to go to the gym today and at least move a bit, followed by sitting in the spa/steam room

Apart from meeting the friend, who is not a close friend, so I can't really 'talk' to her, and I don't know what I'd even talk about...is there anything else I should have on my list? I do feel less exhausted today, but I still don't know how or where to find the feeling I got when I thought about putting my head on Ts chest, or that 'conversation' I had in my head with my parents.

Where do you find that for yourself?

[Yours_Truly]

Maybe eat some special comforting food. I hope you feel less stressed soon.

[growlycat]

I can completely relate. I often imagine being held by t or others past and present. I really want to talk about it with new t but it seems too soon. I really like your list. I should try some of those things. Maybe try talking to t about it?

[mostlylurking]

Do you think the daydreams might be healing in themselves? I'm wondering if you should just indulge in them for now. It sounds like positive imagery. And... this might sound silly, but have you ever read about how people get better at (say) basketball just from imagining playing the game? I'm wondering if you can take some psychological comfort just from imagining gentle / nurturing touch.

[Longingforhome]

Thanks, all...I'm trying to find an alternative to comfort in the bottom of a wine bottle. T says don't be too hasty, until we build up some things to replace it. I think he's worried that what I replace it with (or stopping without something in its place) be more destructive.

I always used to fantasize as a way to comfort myself, from childhood, way into adulthood, I guess as a way to have 'safe' nurturing. I quit cold turkey when my fantasies about ex T sort of came true. Not the physical aspects, but emotional...and how far she got involved in my life.

It was awful - not what I had intended at all.

It used to be the only way I could sleep. I would imagine somebody kind and gentle and in-agenda'd tucking me in and watching me sleep. Or me being hurt and being cared for.

I don't know whether I should let myself just fall into the fantasies: I get a bit obsessive and isolated and caught up more in my own head than reality, and that scares me a bit. I do find fantasy-people much safer and more tolerable than the way they are in real life.

I guess it's a form of control. It's weird it's showing up again now, after so long..

[runlola72]

Sometimes I walk my dog, just to get out and clear my head. Or I make tea or coffee. Sometimes I browse recipes or read a self-help book. If I'm already in bed and need comfort, I do a very primitive form of comfort....I cuddle a stuffed animal and interlock my big toes. I don't know why, but this brings me enormous comfort. I wonder if I did this as a baby.

[Argonautomobile]

I can relate. I was once upgraded to first class on an airplane, and suddenly found myself so unexpectedly comforted by my warm nuts and the gentle kindness of the flight attendant that I became overwhelmed and had to put the blanket over my head and weep silently for a few minutes.

The need for comfort, or emotional safety, or whatever you want to call it, is one of those things that just sneaks up on you and expresses itself in the weirdest ways.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I think your ideas for self-care are good ones.

[Waterbear]

After many years of feeling like this, finally I find this comfort from my T. I was going to write about it here but figure it may not help. If you want to hear it maybe you could PM me.

For your list, maybe a hot bubble bath followed by wrapping yourself entirely in a big fluffy blanket from head to toe. Cocooning yourself in really. I find it somewhat protective.

For me I found it inside of me. By discovering -through Therapy - who I am & what I like. That's when I feel a sense of wholeness. It's within that feeling that comfort exists.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I find little bits of comfort from different sources: my fiance, my dogs, hot shower/bath, scents, candles, blankets, morning air, certain foods/drinks, etc. But still I crave to be held by a woman (in a non-sexual way). I also sometimes fantasize about cuddling next to my T. But it will never happen, so I do my best to get the comfort elsewhere.

[coolibrarian]

Perhaps you could try a worry stone. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry_stone

Rubbing a piece of something soft, in my pocket, works for me.

[Longingforhome]

Thanks, all, those are great ideas. I just can't seem to 'feel' the comfort from the things that should work. It all just feels like going through the motions...

Also, here's something I realised as I was reading through your suggestions. 6)36;3 all things that I have to do for/to myself. What I really, really want (and I know how infantile and unrealistic this sounds) is to have somebody do those things for me. I know I am an adult, and it's my job to take care of myself, but honestly? I just want somebody to take me in their arms and hold me and care for me.

I did talk to T yesterday and finally told him that the only comfort I could think of was to be held by him. Actually, I said I wanted to hug him. But I meant, be held by him.

I told him I don't want to actually do that, just the idea of it felt comforting. And scary all at the same time. I am so conflicted about this - I was so exploited by a past T who made my 'wishes' come true, used me for her own ends, and utterly turned my dependency into something that fed HER needs.

This is scary territory...

[mostlylurking]

It sounds like some unmet needs from way, way back are surfacing... which may be why they don't feel adult to you but (as you put it) infantile. You've responded by doing a lot of adult self-care, but I'm guessing it's not the adult part of you that's feeling needy, it's a child part. Which is why that self-care isn't working, I'd imagine.

What did your T say when you told him about wanting to be hugged, if you feel comfortable sharing that? I was just curious. Wondering what T's do about needs for physical touch if they don't do physical touch with clients...?

[Longingforhome]

It was a really hard, intense thing to do because of what happened the last time I voiced needs to a T...she basically took them literally and it was very destructive (for both of us).

Bringing it up with him felt incredibly risky. It took me a about 15 minutes form the time I told him I had something I needed to talk about, and I did a lot of crying first.

I told him I was afraid to say what it was, and I would feel safer if some one else was in the room. I just had it in my head that nobody was watching, and he could do anything to me and nobody would know. He must have wondered what the heck I was going to say...but he was very calm and understanding and didnt push me at all.

In the end I just took a deep breath and told him first off, that I really didn't want this to happen in reality and I needed him to be very clear about that. But that I had this urge to hug him. That I was trying all these other ways to get comfort, but that was all I wanted (in my head - I couldn't haven been more clear about that.)

And that I was looking for ways to find that feeling somewhere more appropriate, but nothing was working. And how gutted I was to be having this urge about him, because I never feel like that about 'safe' people, so me feeling that way meant he must be unsafe after all.

Poor him! But I did it. He was very calm and very accepting. He really didn't offer me any solutions. Just said he understood and it was OK. I told him not to bother with the whole 'I would never do that to you' or 'I know myself well enough to know I would
never...' because I had heard it all before and I wouldn't believe it. He did said he was very clear that 'that wouldn't happen in this space' and I made him add that it wouldn't happen in this space or anywhere.

I don't know if or how he can help me, but he's my best shot for now. I do feel so desperate about all this. These feelings are so old, as you said, mostlylurking, and unable to be safely fulfilled at this point in my life.

[mostlylurking]

Wow, good work longingforhome. I could see where talking about touch could be tough for anyone but then to add on the ex-T trauma, that's a lot you had to fight your way through.

Maybe just talking about these feelings will help some. I know some T's (psychodynamic?) love to talk about what a client's daydreams / fantasies are... partly, I assume, because they're often rich material for looking at what was missing in early years.

I don't think your having this urge means he is unsafe, although if your parents / caretakers were in some ways unsafe I could see how that would get associated with caretaking behaviors. I think probably it's just that he's a caretaking figure, so of course a very young part of you would want comfort from him.

This could be just a limited, specific kind of transference... hopefully as a T he will have some idea how to proceed.

[Longingforhome]

Thanks, mostly lurking. I honestly don't know what he can possible do to make this ok or better. I do know that I feel less depleted, calmer, more grounded today. Maybe a combo of telling him and the time-out stuff.

The hard thing is that as much as I don't want to collapse into dependency/being care taken, I do. But it is so bad and destructive for my life. It's like a form of s**de without actually ending my physical life. Just the life I am living, where I am so responsible for so many people and so many things and nobody takes care of me. And even if they could/would, I don't let them. Man, there's a whole lot going on right in that last paragraph!!!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't mean to pry, but can you maybe try to work on your marriage so you can have that physical connection again with another person?

[Longingforhome]

Thanks, Scarlet- I have thought about this a lot, but what I am
longing for is, I think, more infantile than adult..and I don't want to be a burden to him with all my issues. Plus, honestly, I just don't find physical contact with him, or anyone, comforting. It just makes me MORE uncomfortable. Unless it's only in my head, that is

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand. But there's almost no way to get that sort of comfort as an adult. If you got that comfort from your T, you'd be crossing boundaries in probably more than one way (your T's, your own, ethical). So you have to do your best to get it elsewhere. And if you want comfort from another person, your spouse would be the next best thing.

It's okay to get some of your needs met by your spouse. I cuddle with my fiance every night to get my touch needs met. He doesn't mind because he knows how much it helps me.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Sometimes I walk my dog, just to get out and clear my head. Or I make tea or coffee. Sometimes I browse recipes or read a self-help book. If I'm already in bed and need comfort, I do a very primitive form of comfort....I cuddle a stuffed animal and interlock my big toes. I don't know why, but this brings me enormous comfort. I wonder if I did this as a baby.

I also have a stuffed animal that I cuddle sometimes (it just happens to be named after my marriage counselor...) Snuggling under a (faux) sherpa blanket is soothing to me, too. I think I just find soft things to be comforting.

I also find great comfort in animals, though unfortunately I don't have a pet right now. Do you have any pets? If not, is that an option? Even something smaller like a guinea pig (they can be pretty affectionate) if you couldn't get a dog or cat. Animals can give you affection that might feel more safe than from a person.

[kecanoe]

I often imagine sitting on the floor by t1 and leaning against his leg. It comforts me to think about it. I do not do that IRL. Only touch is a handshake at the beginning and end of each session. He does that with all of his clients.

[stopdog]

I walk my dogs.
I don't find the therapist or thoughts of the woman comforting at all.

[rainbow8]

I can understand and relate to your need to be held and comforted very much. I used to always fantasize about running around the T's office crying, and then being held. I've never cried in therapy, but my current T allows touch. Six years ago she offered to hold the child part's hand. I never have that fantasy anymore, and I hardly ever ask to hold her hand now. Doing it seemed to fulfill that need.We also hug after each session. I know you don't want your T to touch you, but if done right, with an ethical T, it can help.

What about massage? Or cuddling a baby or small child? You didn't mention having kids. Do have relatives with small children, or friends? Or volunteer where you can hold babies. Just some ideas for getting touched. My T also said to hug myself! Sometimes it works!

[Longingforhome]

Thank you, all, it's really nice not to feel alone with this. I am starting to wonder if it's more of a hurt than a need that can be fulfilled. A bit like...I fell a few years ago and did some
damage to a couple of fingers that are now permanently a bit bent and hurt in cold weather. There no fix, the time has passed for that. And nothing really makes them feel better. Somehow i have to just find space for the hurt and be gentle with it and respect it..because it can't be reached or calmed or fixed.

All the grown up ways of soothing or the idea of physical trust just get subverted into something else in my head or become a distraction or are just immensely dissatisfying. I am not sure that the 'fix' for this exists in the real world, or whether it is so long gone, any attempts to get to it just leave me frustrated and longing for something that just doesn't exist any longer. It's also something that is so at odds with my actual life today. Part of me wants to abdicate everything and just be taken care of. But there's a huge price to pay for that. Maybe there's something in the middle?

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by Longingforhome

Thank you, all, it's really nice not to feel alone with this. I am starting to wonder if it's more of a hurt than a need that can be fulfilled. A bit like...I fell a few years ago and did some
damage to a couple of fingers that are now permanently a bit bent and hurt in cold weather. There no fix, the time has passed for that. And nothing really makes them feel better. Somehow i have to just find space for the hurt and be gentle with it and respect it..because it can't be reached or calmed or fixed.

All the grown up ways of soothing or the idea of physical trust just get subverted into something else in my head or become a distraction or are just immensely dissatisfying. I am not sure that the 'fix' for this exists in the real world, or whether it is so long gone, any attempts to get to it just leave me frustrated and longing for something that just doesn't exist any longer. It's also something that is so at odds with my actual life today. Part of me wants to abdicate everything and just be taken care of. But there's a huge price to pay for that. Maybe there's something in the middle?

Really thought provoking stuff there, thank you.