[OliverB]

My pdoc, psychiatrist, is also my therapist. I am considered moderately to severely disable with a high IQ and I attend a day hospital, I cant work.

I am taking lamotrigine 75mg which is causing me severe agitation, restlessness, anxiety and desperation, so I went to an emergency appointment with my pdoc. Benzos don't work even a high doses

Told pdoc why gabapentin is an excelent idea, few side effects, anxiolitic effect, mood stabilizer, no adiction, no toleration, no dependance... I told him anxiety and agitation and restlessness is killing me to the point I cannot sleep, study, play or do anything and I am desperated.
He said he didn't have experience using it with lamotrigine so he won't give it to me. I friendly argue with him and told him I know people who takes both, I told him I have checked on the pharmacology book, I told him many things. Remember I am a pharmacy student.
He got angry, and said he would prescribe me 300mg once a day because I was being too stubborn and insistent -and I am because I am desperated-, but he would make me sign something that say he won't be responsible of any side effect it causes me because of being taken with lamotrigine, it was against his opinion.
I told him I didn't want to take something he didn't want me to take because it makes me feel bad to take something he doesn't agree with, then he said all of this 30minutes has been a waste of time and he has other many patients waiting -it was an emergency appointment.-. He also said he has been really open with my meds recomendation, more than normal -in the context that's why he gave me lamotrigine-.. He also said I was abusing benzos, while I am not, I am taking it for anxiety not becase I want to have fun.


I don't have the gabapentin. He said he would give it to me but he didn't want to and was very angry about it, so I told him I didn't want him to give me something he doesn't want to and makes him angry.
When he told me he won't give me two meds that he has never used together and if something happened to me he could be in troubles, I told him what if I get The Rash from lamotrigine? all side effects are not his responsability. He didn't say anything and just said again he wasn't comfortable and makes him angry to give me gabapentin.


He also said I was abusing benzos because I was taken too much, but I find it pretty normal to take a lot of benzo is anxiety is killing you at the point you are thinking about jumping through the window to avoid anxiety. and also said I was extorting him about not going to the next appoitment, which the real reason is I don't want him to make me feel like **** again.

I don't have any more, when he said I wsa abusing them I gavve them to him to show him I wasn't. So I don't have benzos. I don't know what to do.

I feel like ****. I won't see him on my appointment on Friday. I don't know when I will shedule another appointment. He also said he doesn't want to talk about meds but about emotions and my life, but sincerly, after all of this, being med something really 'apersonal, impersonal, non-private, non-sensitive' and ending up really bad, I don't know if it is a good idea to talk with him about sensitive stuff.

Thee day hospital is making me feel more hopelessly, lonely, sad, frustrated, ... activities are for people with low cognitive function, so I don't fit on any, I just sit on a chair and do some college homework. There is not any other day hospital in the area, and this is the only psychotherapist at the day hospital. On regual

What do I do?

[precaryous]

Omg, what a jerk!

There are so many issues I want to comment on but this one thing jumped out-
I don't know what dose of benzos you have been taking but *why* wouldn't he suggest you tapering off of them instead of letting you withdraw cold turkey? Withdrawing from benzos is no fun, and can be dangerous.
I guess you know that, though, since you are a pharmacy student.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Omg, what a jerk!

There are so many issues I want to comment on but this one thing jumped out-
I don't know what dose of benzos you have been taking but *why* wouldn't he suggest you tapering off of them instead of letting you withdraw cold turkey? Withdrawing from benzos is no fun, and can be dangerous.
I guess you know that, though, since you are a pharmacy student.

Yeah, I have been three weeks on a heavy benzo dosage. 6-12mg a day. Two months ago I took 1mg twice a week but I increased it as lamotrigine increased my anxiety. I wanted gabapentin to don't take that much clonazepam.

Not that much time... but alot of mg.....

I gave them to him because he said I was abusing them and I wanted to show him I wasn't. He didn't say anything about withdraw and I was so anxious and restlessness to realize about it by then. Now I have 0 benzo.

I don't mind at the cold turkey, maybe I die and everything gets better.

I just can't stop crying, the only people that I have are health care people and even those doesn't help me. I am a bastard. no family no friends.

That IS very heavy benzo use so I see why your pdoc was quite concerned, but he should have come up with a plan to reduce your usage. Cold turkey from that high a dose can be dangerous.

[OliverB]

So I abuse benzo because I take as much as I need for anxiety and not more while I ask for another med because I realize it's too much -sarcasm-
So benzo withdraw
So no gabapentin for anxiety
So no lamotrigine for depression
So I am stubborn
So I am insistant
So I am exorting
So talking with me it's a waste of time

But he doesn't want to talk about meds but emotions, Does it makes sense?

[precaryous]

No, no, I wasn't meaning to criticize you. You are not a waste of time.
Your pdoc could have controlled your usage better if he wanted to. He could have stipulated on your script "take no more than 3 times a day" etc. Your pdoc is to blame because he *knows* sudden withdrawal from bentos can feel horrible and dangerous!
No wonder you feel so bad. Safe hugs (((Nocter)))

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Your pdoc is to blame because he *knows* sudden withdrawal from bentos can feel horrible and dangerous!

Maybe it's some kind of punishment.

Thank you all for make me company.

[OliverB]

I can't get another psychiatrist-psychoteraphys.

I am going to left a letter to the nurse explaining what I wanted and what he made me feel and why I won't go on Friday and I why I wasn't exorting or abusing meds, also I will add others things I had wrttien down to talk about during the next two session because I don't plan to return in some months or almost ever. The nurse will give them to the psychiatrist.

But after this I don't know what to do with the benzo stuff, depression and anxiety.... and appointments, and if I should continue going to the day hospital which is getting scaring after this last session.

I have nobody, I live alone, no family, no friend. I could die right now and nobody would care.

[OliverB]

But I don't know if it is OK to tell him what he made me feel because he might think I am trying to manipulate him to make him feel bad.

[precaryous]

Do you think the day Hospital would be helpful if all it does is give you a bit of structure and a connection to the outside world? Maybe the day Hospital could help with a referral?

Can you get your medication through your general practitioner?

Would you want to hold off on writing the letter until you are feeling less angry? If I write something out of anger (justified or not) I almost always end up regretting it. I do better when I can write more logically and express myself point by point. Perhaps write a rough draft or two before you send anything in writing.

Also, you probably realize anything you write and send may possibly end up in your medical records...which could be read by your present and future health care providers..if that matters to you.

Anger is energizing, though.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Do you think the day Hospital would be helpful if all it does is give you a bit of structure and a connection to the outside world? Maybe the day Hospital could help with a referral?

Can you get your medication through your general practitioner?

Would you want to hold off on writing the letter until you are feeling less angry? If I write something out of anger (justified or not) I almost always end up regretting it. I do better when I can write more logically and express myself point by point. Perhaps write a rough draft or two before you send anything in writing.

Also, you probably realize anything you write and send may possibly end up in your medical records...which could be read by your present and future health care providers..if that matters to you.

Anger is energizing, though.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am not angry at all, I am sad and tired. The letter is kinda rational and cold since that's how my personality is, I don't mind at anyone reading it.

I can't get a referral because there is not any other place to go, only outpatient clinic that psychiatrists see you once each 2-4 months. To keep my disability I need to stay in the day hospital.

In the day hospital I just sit down and get bored. They are not activities for me, there is not structure. Then I go to college 3h. My general doctor won't give me medications since I am in psychiatrict treatment and it should be a psychiatrist who gives them, thats the law here.

I am almost death, I don't know what can I do, I am cornered, there is no help for me.

Moreover, the day hospital makes me feel lonely and isolated since I can't participate in the activities because they are made for people with mild cognitive impariment and I don't fit or benefict from them. I am an alien.

[kecanoe]

If seeing this psychiatrist is your only option, then perhaps waiting to send your letter is a good idea. I would not want to go off meds suddenly. Especially lamotrigine and benzos. But if you are a pharmacy student you already know that.

It sounds like none of your options are great ones. Can you ponder which is the least bad? Like is it worse to go to day hospital or to lose disability?

[Wonderfalls]

Don't mean to go backwards in this discussion, but could you ask him to drop the lamotrigine and then add the gabapentin? At only 75mg it's not likely to be doing you much good and it does seem to be causing horrible side effects. Then he couldn't complain about mixing the two drugs. Or whoever is going to be prescribing drugs for you if you don't go back.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

If seeing this psychiatrist is your only option, then perhaps waiting to send your letter is a good idea. I would not want to go off meds suddenly. Especially lamotrigine and benzos. But if you are a pharmacy student you already know that.

It sounds like none of your options are great ones. Can you ponder which is the least bad? Like is it worse to go to day hospital or to lose disability?

I can't lose my disability because it's my main income.
He will read the letter on Friday... if he wants to. He is not in the day hospital until then, so I am off meds anyway.

Sincerly, I don't care at getting cold tukey and die or suffer more, what can get worse?

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

Don't mean to go backwards in this discussion, but could you ask him to drop the lamotrigine and then add the gabapentin? At only 75mg it's not likely to be doing you much good and it does seem to be causing horrible side effects. Then he couldn't complain about mixing the two drugs. Or whoever is going to be prescribing drugs for you if you don't go back.

Lamotrigine is helping me a lot with mood. I think once I hit the target dosage anxiety will go away, titrating up lamictal can cause you to get anxious and agitated in the middle of the process, and benzos don't help me for this, normally people use benzos for this. Gabapentin alone is not agood mood stabilizer.

[OliverB]

I left the letter to the main nurse so she will give it to psychiatrist on friday, and gave a plant-gift to the nurse it's leaving in two weeks because I like her.

[OliverB]

Now I have been thinking to see him again in the future because I have to if I want to keep my disability money, and it's scaring me out. I am scared of him, and the worst, I cannot change pdoc. He is the only one at the day hospital and if you arre in regular outpatient clinic you get less desability and therfore no money.

[OliverB]

I have thought on buying a scalpel, disinfect the area, cut to the bone where there are no arteries... so they may understand the emotional pain is so high this phyisical pain is nothing. But probably they would say I am borderline even if it won't be impulsive and because of abandonmnent, but organized and planned with total serenity.

[kecanoe]

From what I have read on this forum, self injury doesn't seem to "say" what we want it to say. It often freaks providers out, but it doesn't seem to increase the feeling of being cared for.

If I understand you correctly, staying with the day hospital is essential for your financial stability. And if you stay with the day hospital, you have to stay with the pdoc. If that is the case, I would keep the appointment on Friday and try to figure out a way to survive the relationship with the pdoc. I would be strategizing how to do that.

You said that you don't want the gabapentin if the pdoc doesn't think it is a good idea. Do you have any thoughts about what you might want to ask for? Anxiety can be so crippling. I hate it

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

You said that you don't want the gabapentin if the pdoc doesn't think it is a good idea. Do you have any thoughts about what you might want to ask for? Anxiety can be so crippling. I hate it

I can't see him on Friday, I am scared of him, he was creepy and really angry.

I didn't want it because he was mad at giving it to me, but I think gabapentin is a good idea, I just don't want to take something that will make him angry, I don't want him to be mad at me because I am taking something he doesn't want me to take. This is why I said no.

I asked him for something that doesn't make him angry to give it to me but he didn't say anything.

[OliverB]

I am trying to survivie after all. I am getting a bunny tomorrow. The pet store doesn't want it because it's old, and the guinea pigs con saturday.

I still don't know what to do about the pdoc tomorrow. He will be given the letter by the nurse.
I don't know when to ask for an appointment, or if I should talk with the nurse first and tell her why I don't feel comfortable with my pdoc and then decide what to do. I can ask for an appointment with the nurse, tell her pdoc get angry-frustrated-irritated which scares me and makes it more difficult to me to explain myself which seems to angry-frustrated-irritated him more... like a cycle. I am actually really scared of him since last appointment.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Nocter

I am trying to survivie after all. I am getting a bunny tomorrow. The pet store doesn't want it because it's old, and the guinea pigs con saturday.

I still don't know what to do about the pdoc tomorrow. He will be given the letter by the nurse.
I don't know when to ask for an appointment, or if I should talk with the nurse first and tell her why I don't feel comfortable with my pdoc and then decide what to do. I can ask for an appointment with the nurse, tell her pdoc get angry-frustrated-irritated which scares me and makes it more difficult to me to explain myself which seems to angry-frustrated-irritated him more... like a cycle. I am actually really scared of him since last appointment.

Glad you're trying to make it through. Bunnies (and guinea pigs) are great!

[OliverB]

I talked with the nurse and left the letter.

I am seeing the pdoc at the end of the day.

I hope it goes well. You deserve care, support and help even though you're not receiving it

[OliverB]

He apologized from everything, gave me 300mg of gabapentin and told me he will try to don't be so aggressive when he talks.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Nocter

So I abuse benzo because I take as much as I need for anxiety and not more while I ask for another med because I realize it's too much -sarcasm-
So benzo withdraw
So no gabapentin for anxiety
So no lamotrigine for depression
So I am stubborn
So I am insistant
So I am exorting
So talking with me it's a waste of time

But he doesn't want to talk about meds but emotions, Does it makes sense?

When you say you take what you need do you take it as prescribedor what you need? ?