Couch 127: The Wayward Couch

I also prefer to address things quickly instead of letting them wait. So maybe you should go to appointment to discuss it? (Not that a week from now is especially quickly, but better than waiting a month.)

I was thinking the same thing about the "we're not equals." Are you sure she wasn't talking about the therapeutic relationship compared to a friendship or other relationships? Both my T and marriage counselor have said that the therapeutic relationship is unique because it's (mostly) one-sided. Where in a friendship, you have to deal with the other person's feelings and problems and worry about asking too much of them. And your T knows much more about you than you do about her, so it's unbalanced in that way, too. She's heard your deepest thoughts and darkest secrets, and you (presumably) haven't heard hers.

So maybe that's what she meant? I have trouble believing, from how you've described your T, that she meant she was superior to you because of her job compared to yours. I think she's talking about the therapeutic relationship. And I think it would be good to clarify that with her.

I don't think a therapist should ever say "we are not equals." That's just a bid for control to me. They can believe it as much as they like, but be quiet about it.

Art - correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like every time you announce an intention to take a break, your therapist finds some way to stymie it. Possibly I'm seeing a pattern that isn't there, but whether or not it is there I agree with your husband - don't go. Fulfill your word to yourself before any obligation to her. And show her who's the boss. You might also find that you don't need her as much as you think - and she may be scared of you realizing that.

Art, I'm of two minds about your situation.

On the one hand, I know for myself that when I feel extraordinarily emotional, I've been triggered. That does not mean that the person who did the triggering was right--in this case, I think your therapist was really insensitive, considering the context of the discussion--but it might mean that you feel the same way, or fear there is truth in it, a kind of rejection of you and your worth. And that last part is worth looking at, because that's what follows you wherever you go. Again, it doesn't mean you don't have a right to be angry with your therapist, just that it could also be pointing to something deeper.

The other thing is that there is a bigger context here, which is that you went in wanting to discuss your relationship and wanting to matter to her beyond being a client (sorry if I got that wrong), and her comments were clobbering during a time you made yourself vulnerable. She messed up.

Bottom line: You don't owe her anything. Not a session on the 7th or anytime she suggests. This is your path and part of it is finding your own way, and that could mean some coming and going and breaks to sort things out.

I wish you the best in this. I hope you can see all the good that's coming out of defining yourself and your value.

Thanks so, so much you guys. I'm reading on my phone so will reply more later when i get back home. Lots of good food for thought. I feel so very supported!

MKAC - I hope your eye feels better.

I don't see where I am not the equal of a therapist. Certainly they are not better, higher, smarter, more evolved, better educated, etc than I am.
In terms of dealing with them - I don't see it as unequal. I see it as a difference of currency - I hand them money for them to sit there. The money is my part - the sitting there is theirs. I do not consider their sitting there to make them better than my money part.

Here's to the New Year!!

It's still Nee Years Eve here, but I'm looking forward to a fresh start!!

I hope you all are looking forward for better things!!

I like that quote a LOT! Thanks Trail! I am feeling a newness in me - feeling my worth and rallying against thoughts that I'm somehow less-than anyone else, t included. I am starting to feel a strength inside of me that wasn't there before.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Don't know where to put this out there... sending it into the ether of cyberspace...

Ok, emailed t. I hope it wasn't a mistake, I hope I get what I am looking for in response, I hope I can stop being so critical of t - she is human, and she is not making mistakes; even though, things are not feeling good.

I cannot even imagine trying to maintain any time of relationship with a person who did not consider me or treat me as an equal -- business or otherwise. I would not see a real doctor who did not think I am an equal, let along someone who just has a Phd.

MKAC I hope your eye gets better soon. I've totally done that same thing but busted my lip instead. It's not fun!

I had this debate with someone on my course. The only thing he really came up with is that the T chooses where we each sit. I think that's quite trivial. I don't feel any power differential with my T at all. If anything, I set the agenda so I have the power.

Thank you. This is how I feel. And she's not even a Phd, she does have her Master's though. I just have a BS. But still. I have never, ever in 5+ years felt this from her until now. I have always felt like she considered me an equal. It's why I made so much progress with her I think. Until now. Well, I have time to decide if I will cancel next Saturday or not, part of me wants to, to honor my own stated wish to take a break for the month, but the other part of me, this newer and stronger-in-myself feeling part, wants to go in there and tell her how I have been feeling. Ask her (tell her?) not to speak until I am done, and say my peace.

Chillin' watching Lawrence of Arabia. I'm also going through my hutch, entertainment center and things. Every time I get up I put a few things in either the keep, throw away or donate pile.

How did we ever accumulate so many candles, and what not? Did your mom ever keep extra buttons in a decorative tin? I'll never need to buy buttons, thread, needles, patches or safety pins.

I spent all yesterday thinking it was New Year's Eve. Only discovered that there is, indeed, a December 31st this year (and every year) about an hour ago.

This is why if given the opportunity I sit where I am clearly not supposed to sit (usually a chair instead of the couch). Or I move around.

Unfortunately these are not options with DBC's office.

I love Lawrence of Arabia. Though it's long.

ETA: if I've learned anything in life it's that degrees have nothing to do with intelligence or skill. They just have to do with status. Think of all the college dropouts that have seriously influenced the world - Jobs, Gates, and so on. And so if someone insists their degree gives them more importance - I would be very wary.

I sit on the floor and often move the furniture around to suit me

I have a desire to bring my own chair next time. Like her furniture isn't good enough for my butt. Ha.

(Welcome to Snarky Artie)

(That sounds kinda like a kid's book title, doesn't it?)

I have taken in my own chair before. The woman only has a really awful couch for clients - I despise it so I took in my own chair.

For me, I would take in my own stuff and use it -but I would never rearrange her stuff. I do not even touch the pillows on the awful couch nor do I ever touch anything on her table that is between her chair and said awful couch.

I'm about to have my appointment with Kashi. The parents have been left to thier own devices at the hotel for a little bit. What to do. Stepdad and I had breakfast while mom slept. We argued quietly about how bad moms situation is. He says she's always like this. Ugh. Not healthy. Not normal he does not see it

(((growly)))

My dad did

Loooooove Lawrence of Arabia. Adoooooore Peter o'toole.

My two cents is, its like she's playing the t card. She can see things i cant. Thats what we want them to do, etc.

OTOH, and this is where i ended up with my t, is - do i go to t because he says so? I.e., do i go for him, or do i go for me? Because at first i went because i was helpless, almost as if i had no choice. But now i am developing agency. So when we disagree, its the rapprochement problem all over again - if i stand up to him, do i lose him, like i lost my parents?

That's true of course.

Stupid thing for a T to say.