My curiosity and urges are making me waste my time

One of the main issues I've worked on with my last therapist (very successfully) are obsessional tendencies. I also experienced addiction problems (food, substance) that are a bit different but psychologically definitely related to my obsessions and why I get into them. I never had similar internal conflicts or disagreements with my T regarding obtaining information on them - I simply never asked them these kinds of personal questions. But I used the totally legally and publicly available info on the internet to search about them all kinds of things. Never even occurred to me before reading these kinds of posts on PC that this is a potential problem or something maybe wrong? I mean, in this era everyone researches stuff on the web, people, places, things... whatever. I know as fact that my coworkers, job candidates and friends search me all the time and I am sure there are also people I don't even know of. What's wrong with that, really? My responsiility, and boundary, is what I put out there and how.

I personally think the T's boundary here is also that she won't reveal the bf's identity more than she already has in an interpersonal way. But public info on the web has nothing to do with her boundary, IMO... well it has, as far as deciding what to share with the world.

Maybe I process these things differently from others but I just can't see significant difference between searching professional info on a therapist about their practice and whatever else they care to put out there for anyone to explore. It's not the T's business what I read in my private time. It is their business to decide what to discuss with clients and how and to discuss with me what causes issues and roadblocks in my life.

I definitely have experienced a lot of uneasiness and also practical problems due to spending too much time researching "useless" information on the internet, also tend to use this activity to avoid dealing with many pressing problems if I don't control it consciously. Same for online interactions. For me this has been an escape and avoidance mechanism, seeking what I imagine will be instant gratification...not moral conflicts. This is what I spent a lot of time discussing with my T, why I tend to do this and how I could change the behavior. With time, we co-created a pretty effective system to help me reduce this behavior and actually lose my interest in it, using our between sessions email communication... but that's a different topic so I'll stop here.

Rainbow, you seem to have (at least partially) different conflicts about all this. I suggested that you try the search you so much desire simply in order to learn about your motives on your own and also to see whether it provides you with anything rewarding or beneficial. For me, the obsessions and compulsions typically never lead to true satisfaction, mostly new obsessions and distractions.

I have been reading the responses to this thread with various levels of agreement and pondering. I think there are good points all the way around.

Rainbow, what did you end up doing? Did it satisfy your needs, make things worse, how did it change you? Did you learn anything about yourself in the process? How do you feel about yourself now? If you didn't get the outcome you had hoped for, any thing come up that might help you realize that this is an exercise in futility. If you did get the outcome you had hoped for (ie find out/learning about the bf) are you satisfied and what was enough?

I actually think all the angst over internet searching therapists/people connected to them is a bit over the top. Just do it and go on with your life if one is that curious about those people. It is not hurting the therapist any.
I find the more curious part to me to be the urge to confess (which is what is seems like people are doing when they tell the therapist) to the therapist - why bother with that part?
I find that to be more pathological than the original searching.

This is a really good question and I think it shows that the issue isn't just curiosity or wanting the information. It's about the relationship with the therapist, so the therapist has to know about the searching and stuff and react to it, otherwise it's not satisfying. At least that's my impression.

I'm not sure anyone, including a therapist, has the right to set a boundary when they're only indirectly affected.

I mean, if you were staking out her house trying to catch a glimpse of him, that would be different (to me anyway). But she can't control whether or not you search the internet in private, on your own time, to find out what he looks like.

This is making me think of something else my MC said about the googling. I clearly felt guilty about it and worried that MC/T would be mad, reject me, etc. (yet I somehow couldn't *not* tell them). I told MC I did it in part to feel closer to him, because I'd been feeling disconnected that night and didn't want to bother him with a text/e-mail. So he asked if it did make me feel more connected, and I said not really. He asked if, in the past, I'd done something to feel more connected to someone, then ended up feeling bad about myself and/or less connected. And of course the answer was yes (he knows me entirely too well...). So it made me think about more constructive ways to connect to people, whether him, T, H. friends, etc. Like, say, just contacting them.

Rainbow, do you think any of this could be connected to your trying to not e-mail your T that much? Like maybe you're using this to try to feel more of a connection?

I agree. Today in my session we talked about this. She asked what am I telling myself when she doesn't answer my questions. I said, "If I were more "something", maybe popular, or in your inner circle, you would tell me." So we're getting somewhere.

This is huge.

I hate that trump stole my expression!

I agree with this. There is no excuse to stalk your T or cross their boundaries.

However, I don't think googling your T is invading a T's life. Like my fiance always tells me: information on the internet is public knowledge.

On the other hand, searching your T's family and friends, and stalking behavior ARE invading your T's life.

I've googled my T, ex-T, Pdoc, Primary, etc. When I initially did it, I wanted to learn more about them. Not EVERYTHING; just wanted to see a glimpse of who they were in real life. Now that my relationships with them are stable, I don't research them anymore. I do, however, still look at their fb profile pictures. I can't picture people's faces in my mind, so I have to look at pictures to remember and connect while outside of session.

I admitted to my T that I researched her. She was surprised, but not shocked. She said she's had other clients do it too. I told her about not remembering people's faces, and she understood. I admitted to looking at her picture more often when my attachment gets intense, or my fears. We made a deal that come termination, she would give me a letter and a transitional object if I promised not to look her up anymore after termination. She told me to save a few pictures of her (without her family or friends in them), and look at those when I need to.

OP: I don't understand why you obsess so much over your T. Are you addressing this in therapy? I know we don't share everything about our therapy here, but it also struck me that when your husband was dying/died, you were more focused on your T. Have you started to grieved yet? Or could you be avoiding grieving by focusing on your T? It's just the level of obsession is unhealthy. And like others pointed out, you seem to not even care about T's feelings. How can you say you care about someone and yet break their boundaries on purpose? To satify your own wants and desires? It's mean!

This is a really good question and I think it shows that the issue isn't just curiosity or wanting the information. It's about the relationship with the therapist, so the therapist has to know about the searching and stuff and react to it, otherwise it's not satisfying. At least that's my impression.

The reason I felt I needed to tell my T when I ended up sat outside her house one night was because I felt that for me, I had gone a step further than I had wanted to. I had told myself that I would do my best not to do this with this person. I had told my T that I would do my best. I did do my best but I still ended up there and I wanted to tell her because it didn't feel right to keep this information to myself. That and the fact that by telling her she could more easily see how bad things were for me that night.

The googling though, I have not divulged and at present I have no plans to.

You have to do what feels right for you.

For me, it's wanting someone to know I've done something potentially bad, but accepting me anyway. My parents were hard on me when I made mistakes, so I saw them as this thing that forever changed who I was, that tarnished my image forever in that person's eyes. So I think with this, I do something like the Googling, and then I need to know if I still accepted and forgiven. And to feel that it won't change how I'm viewed. MC has said in the past that it's "testing," which kids/teens do to their parents. Like for a toddler, "Will you still love me if I throw my food across the room?" For a teen, it's more like, "If I tell you I hate you, will you still accept and love me?" Hope that makes sense.

As someone who just finished grad school to be a therapist, I can say this is a much debated topic amongst therapists themselves. In my experience the majority of potential Ts agree with stopdog: internet searching is a fact of modern life and does not constitute any kind of boundary violation (a therapist snooping on a client, however, may be). The internet is public and the info found for free online should be treated as such. The only problem here is the need to tell your T as other posters have already said. I get it, I've been there before and agonized over telling them before finally deciding not to. I wanted to tell because I felt guilty and was afraid he knew and was upset with me. He did know and wasn't upset but that was all that came of my knowing. Nothing was said beyond don't worry about it since he's not allowed to discuss her personal life - that would have been the boundary violation. Try to remember that and maybe the issue will be deflated a bit. You don't need to be so hard on yourself since it's human nature to be curious about people. Especially when you know the information is so easily available with the click of a mouse.

I've found that my internet searching is fueled by boredom and the accessibility of looking up an endless array of topics online, people included. It's a new pastime and a huge time killer. It's also very common. When I am too busy to engage in internet searching I honestly feel a lot better emotionally and otherwise. Maybe your T can help you find ways to control your impulses so you can direct your energy toward something that causes less distress. That's the only reason to stop though- you are not hurting you T. Therapists who demand clients not google them or other people baffle me since it is a ridiculous request. It should be assumed that people google each other and professionals should take appropriate measures to maintain privacy. If you can find a lot of info about your Ts private life on social media then that is on the T to control, not the client. What is in your control is how you use any information you find and what you focus on in session.

I see a lot of good and reasonable discussion here, and I can understand why it's a topic for discussion even among therapists.

I do think though that it is wise to keep this in context: ie, that you've (rainbow) worked a lot on attachment issues with your therapist and specifically she refused to give the requested information about her boyfriend, setting a boundary, and sort of shut you down from talking fully about what impact that had on you. And now you are dealing with a compulsion or obsession surrounding finding information about him. It was not just an idle curiosity that this particular wanting to research therapist's boyfriend but was in direct relation to what went on in those sessions and after the therapist declined to provide the information. This sounds like a lot of "old stuff" getting dragged up just imho. Do you struggle with feeling shut out of your family, or something similar?

I hope that you're able to find what it is you're really looking for, because something tells me it's not just a picture of her boyfriend.

Re-explaining. The boundary is for the therapist to not share details of her personal life with Rainbow in their sessions. The effect on Rainbow is the content of the therapy, her heartache, feeling excluded, rejected, etc. How is Rainbow not respecting the boundary by going along with the therapeutic action, working on the issue with her therapist (and here)?

Which rainbows brother had none of, and STILL mom liked him best! Wth!

But the googling of her husband isn't the boundary here. The boundary was in session sharing of her therapist's personal life, not Rainbow's googling. I am only guessing this is for therapeutic reasons not fears of having her space invaded.

I give up

Rainbow introduced this as a boundary issue, and people went along with it. People may want to slap me for this, but I think it's related to the intellectualizing OC thing I have written about before. We are helping to keep Rainbow in this pattern by responding as if it is a boundary issue, when that is not the case.

It isn't about shaming. It is about Rainbow finding the personal power to choose the direction of her behaviors. Often, Rainbow, you say things like I just can't help myself, or things of the like, but one of the most empowering things a person can learn is that we do have the power to make choices and just need to stop and listen to ourselves. I think DBT may refer to that as the wise mind vs. the emotional mind. Which mind is running the show here? And do you have the power to choose which one to act on?

I think it's partially a boundary issue because I don't like boundaries. What do you mean by "intellectualizing OC thing"

Pretty she she means you rationalizing your behavior and making up excuses for why it's alright to continue bad behavior. You are not helpless to your curiosity.

Which part do you want to win?
There are many ways of asking the same question.
Which part do you want to allow to win?
Which part do you want to lose?
Which part makes the ultimate decision?
Not all questions will generate the same answer, I am guessing.

rainbow, early on in my therapy, I had the compulsion to find the information, to know stuff. What got me to stop was realizing what I was risking and that risk was significantly greater than what I was getting by my searches. I put a sign on my monitor to remind me risk >>> reward. Every time I thought about doing the act, I would look at the sign. Over time I started to trust t more and the compulsion lessoned. It did not go completely away, I took it moment by moment, day by day - just like an addict. (and yes, I did something worse than googling t or t's husband).

What are your risks here - not just with your t, but with yourself? Are they worth losing? Do you see her "go ahead" as some type of challenge? You know, she might have given you false info (not knowing everything you know about him).

Compulsions are hard to deal with and I'm never certain if denying them is the better way to deal with them or giving into them and then trying to figure out why they happened once they are not clawing at your back.