My curiosity and urges are making me waste my time

Oops, I typed that in the wrong place and can't fix it on my phone. Sorry. You're absolutely correct!

Yes, it's probably about emptiness for me too. If she loved me she wouldn't shut me out! Or reject me, though my adult self knows she's not rejecting me. Thank you for your comments. "Eating candy when you want a full meal." I can really relate to that!

Then why was HE in the family movies and you werent?

(I know, because you werent born yet, but it may have felt at the time like you were left out cuz they liked him best. Also that was a line from the Smothers Brothers, one always said, mom liked you (or me) best!)

Rainbow, DO you realize some people are more private and don't like to trumpet their secrets for the world to hear? That there are things you don't even tell friends?

It's not about YOU, it's about how others share. Maybe your T values her relationshiop and does not want to "curse" it by sharing it with all her clients. SHe is not shutting you out... this is not about you knowing every teeniest detail of your T's life... she is there to help you live your own life. You already wasted year obsesing about this T and previous Ts and... to be honest by your posts it does not seem to be getting any better. Are you all of sudden going to solve your childhood needs... or maybe is it matter just to accept and move on and learn to enjoy your own life.... You don't want to regret all the things you didn't do, do you?

I always liked the Smothers Brothers and remember that line! You're right. Maybe I didn't understand about not being born if I was 4 or even 5. I never thought of it that way. And maybe I did think they cared more about him at the time!

I know it doesn't seem to you that anything got better, but it did. My T agrees. I am accepting my life and being as happy as I can, and growing as a person.

If obsessing about my Ts is still my problem, then something is wrong. I agree. I wish I had the answer. Life just keeps getting more and more difficult for me. Im alone. I have new medical challenges. My life doesn't revolve around my Ts like it used to. You can disagree. It's your right. Yes, I know my T doesn't have to tell me. She and I are curious about my strong reactions. At the same time, in the real world I have art, music, friends and family. Maybe antidepressants would have helped but I couldn't tolerate the side effects. Thanks for your reply.

Thats why i keep harping on it! Those things stick with us. I was watching the hockey game today, and i remembered how my brother once told me "theyre doing stg different tonight, theyre gonna have a plant in front of the net instead of a goalie." Well he was making a joke about goalie jacques plante. I remember arguing with him about it. Now, my brother does NOT like me reminding him about his little joke.

Im not sure what my story means, but i think its significant that you were upset that you were not in your home movies. If you were old enough to notice that you were missing, like older than 2 or 3, then you were probably old enough to understand you werent even a baby yet, no? Why did you feel so left out? Did they go on vacations and leave you with grandma a lot or stg?

Just some questions to explore. I find it interesting, because i also was excluded, but in a "yeah we forgot you until the last minute but shut up now and come" sort of way.

The answer is within yourself: re-read your initial post-the themes you brought here was that you were wasting your time and the urges were stupid and unproductive. And you are facing medical problems and lonliness. And you negate some of that in the same post by saying that you are accepting your life, being as happy as you can.

Your solution to the anxiety brought about by this conflict is this OCD cycle you get in:

Intense need to quell lonlieness > unproductive behavior (googling) > punishment

Which results in more anxiety.

Then that these urges are stupid and that the behaviors are 'bad' and 'crossing 'boundaries'. Then you admit that you know the thread will set you up for attacks. Sort of punishing yourself for the 'bad' behavior...keeping you in the OCD cycle and pattern.

Did you ever think of trying treatment for OCD? Your therapy might be worsening your problems.

Thanks, Skies. Is there specific therapy for OCD? The pdoc I saw just wanted to give me lots of Zoloft. I didn't want that. I think DBT addressed it some. I contradict myself because both are true. FWIW, I'm not looking up T's bf anymore. I've been too busy and I realize it's not good for me. The pain is about T not telling me. She's not angry so I can see I don't have to punish myself. So, I think I broke the cycle. T thinks mindfulness will help me, and doing meditation 20 minutes every day. I'm trying.

Rainbow, do you realize that ADs are just another thing from outside you have put your faith in? ADs will not make you realize it's okay to be private and it's nothing against you.

Maybe there is no magic childhood cause to be unconvered but rather some strange thinking pattern you create over your life (which was mostly adult life... wasn't it?). Maybe you could just work in challenging current patterns without digging pointlessly around as time passes and is wasted by more googling and obssesing?

You don't understand. I have no faith in antidepressants but I think many people who post here take them and seem to need them. I keep trying to say I do not Google and obsess continuously as you seem to think. I got triggered recently by asking T if I could see a photo of her bf and her refusal. It was a spontaneous question. I started the thread because I was upset at that time. I thought it was wasting time, true. I've spent much more time reading and answering this thread than googling and obsessing. It's your opinion that "digging around in my past is pointless." That doesn't make it true. Have you ever been in therapy? I don't think I've ever seen you start a thread. Why do you read here? Just curious.

There's exposure therapy for OCD, but I'm not sure how it would work for these types of thoughts. One of my main OCD issues is fears of contamination, like germs, food being spoiled, etc. So my T was starting to work on exposure therapy with me, where the first part was writing a story about really gross food and germs, then reading it. I was supposed to record myself reading the story and then keep playing it back to myself, but something else major came up in my life, and we switched to focusing on that in therapy. There were then supposed to be other things that would expose me more, but we never got there. Might have to revisit it at some point.

Edited to add: OK, apparently it's officially called Exposure and Response Prevention therapy: https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/erp...-disorder-ocd/

there is a med for OCD called anafranil

I started threads here. I am not in therapy... partly because i dont have the funds and didnt find anybody whod click with me when i searched for a T.

I agree with what others said about you being passive.

Well you tried to explore your past for quite some time... and still seem to have the same problem... so maybe its not cause of issues of the past...

Thanks. My brother said our parents hardly ever left us with babysitters when we were little. Our grandmother, the only one alive at the time, lived with us but wasn't well enough to babysit. My first day of kindergarten was traumatic because I didn't want to leave my mother.

I have been the opposite of passive this year, in my opinion. Maybe it's not about the past, but most of our patterns do come from our past. But, that's why my T believes in mindfulness and focusing on the present. It's not black or white. If I feel triggered by something in the present, we will explore where it comes from and what I can tell myself when it happens again. So my therapy is about past and present. I'm changing and growing. Setbacks are to be expected for everyone. I'm sorry you can't find a T if you need one.

For most adults, exploring the past takes a very long time, because it's a very long history. This history can include many incidents, abuse, false beliefs, etc. There are therapies which focus more on the present or on future goals and don't deal with the past. I think all three points of reference are essential, but to each their own.

Personally I've been in individual and some group therapy for almost 7 years now and have also explored my past by myself and in my training, I am still young, and yet there is still quite a bit yet to be explored. It really depends on the depth of the exploration and each person's unique journey.

Anyway, in my experience "exploring the past" also allows for working with the present moment and future goals. I don't see these things as being either-or in a long-term psychotherapy.

Hi Rainbow. I struggle with the very same issue and like you, I don't really know from where it originates. It's a behavior/pattern of which I have memories as far back as the age of 5. In recent years, after finally admitting to myself that I engage in this "obsessive" behavior and that it affects my day to day functioning, I have often asked myself, why? What purpose does this serve, only to create more pain? Well, this is what I came up with and maybe it might help you too???

1. It's a habit. As I said, this is a behavior that goes back many years and is all too familiar. I wonder if I actually find comfort in the distress, self-torture and self-punishment that obsessive googling creates and that is actually one of the motivations that keeps me doing it, just because it feels familiar?

2. It's a distraction and an escape. I can unintentionally waste hours obsessing, googling, thinking, fantasizing. I think it turns my attention away from my own problems so to that end, it's a kind of escape.

3. It's a reaction. If something has triggered me to feel sad, alone, anxious, hopeless etc., sure enough my attention turns to obsessing. Perhaps again, this is an example of it being an escape or distraction but I think it also provides me with comfort and reassurance, not only as described in no. 1. but because it's a way of feeling closer to T (or whoever I'm obsessing about).

So actually there are more than 3 reasons there: It's about seeking comfort, reassurance, distractions and escape from unpleasant feelings while at the same time, creating another issue over which beat myself up.

On a deeper level though, as you've pointed out it is also about boundaries...argh there's too much to say on this...that will have to be my next installment on this thread when I have time to come back and write more.

I hope some of what I have said is helpful to you. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

((((((( hugs )))))))
I'm not seeing a therapist because of being burned by a **** of a t who used up nearly all my funds...consulted a couple of others, did not click..

I'm going to explore finding another therapist (one of those I didn't click with might have been ok if I had given it more time..we sort of clicked but I was wary..)

Sometimes I waste my time because of my curiosity though

(Btw my curiosity isn't linked to crossing any boundaries, I didn't cross boundaries with that sub optimal t either, he was simply a ****..)

I also realise that I didn't anything like explore my past (lack of trust, turned out I was right not to trust that individual) (irl)

I worry that if you push t's boundaries she may react by withdrawing etc...

Have you done much journaling?

(I'm sorry, I don't read much in this forum, but will do more as I'm unable to take meds and have nothing to add to posts about meds in other forums )

I wasn't good at saying no - not feeling loveable, exactly (my "therapy" seemed designed to bring that pain to the front (and make it worse, whether that was the intent I don't know..) . ) childhood rejections, yes

I appreciate your sharing how it is for you. It sounds similar for me except for an important aspect in my experience: if you cared or loved me, you would tell me. Hearing the "no" makes me angry and hurt. I talked about it for part of the session today. T said it doesn't mean she doesn't care about me. She said we can do EMDR about it which we were going to do this session but I talked about painting for too long.

I got into a mood before I left and asked " why can't you tell me? Then I'll be done with it. I can put it in writing that I won't go by his house. If he's on PsychologyToday, then he's one of them I saw. Etc. I said "why don't you ask him if he minds. T said something about what I was doing but I didn't hear her. She said why don't I just drop it. I think that's what she said. I don't remember the rest. I felt like I was begging her to tell me.

Earlier, I said I don't think anyone ever said no to me. She wanted to know how I feel towards that part who wants to know, and what does she want from me. I said she wants something from YOU. T wants me to give her what she wants. I don't know. I suppose love and attention.

So, I emailed T that for sure I want to do EMDR about my wanting to know, and being told NO next week. No talking about other stuff first unless something urgent comes up.

I have worked on obsessional tendencies extensively with my last T and this was also the area where I felt the therapy had been the most effective. There was one method especially that worked out great, something that was not meant to be a method in the beginning on his end but it evolved into it and we co-created it. I had a long-standing habit of obsessive online interactions with people one-on-one that I used as a distraction and escape from dealing with other things - much like an addiction. Same for information hunting and spending an insane amount of time on the internet looking up whatever, including people. I think I might have made a career as a detective with these inspirations and abilities, but unfortunately that's not what I do for living, and the obsessions affected pretty much every area of my life. One of the ways it manifested was excessive emails with select people, typically one at a time. Of course it also became part of my therapy experiences and I actually wanted it to be part and did not suppress it because I wanted to resolve the problem and have my Ts help me. My first T turned out totally incompetent with this and got entangled in many ways, also misinterpreted it grossly, not like I expected a T and much like other people earlier in my life.

Had much better luck with the second T and one key element to the success was that he engaged only sparingly and in a minimalistic, very professional way in the email interactions (while actually encouraging that I emailed). He refrained from getting affected and pulled into it, he did not gratify my wishes. Of course it was frustrating to me initially and for a good while - until I recognized a potential in it. So we developed a style where I emailed as much as I wanted and about whatever, but he would not engage and reinforce it. Gradually, over time, my desire to do all this lessened and eventually got pretty much lost because there was no one feeding it. It was such a great relief for me and liberated a lot of time and energy since I no longer have the desire to do it with others either - after so many years with the habit and pulling many people into it, causing a lot of turbulence in their lives as well as I really had little inhibition. Of course, as I said, often it was very uncomfortable that he would not provide what I wanted... but he provided just what I needed!

When I read these threads from you, rainbow, they often remind me of the above part of my own story. I think that your T is doing the best service to you with not revealing the bf's identity and encouraging you to drop it. Maybe try to play an imaginary tape forward and imagine what could be if she told you. Surely you would feel a moment of gratification, but more than likely, it would bring further curiosities, perhaps frustrations, jealousy, whatnot. And then you might want to know something else about her and do another cycle of the same thing.

Some thoughts I had on the background to all this that you shared in these threads, that you have these curiosities and urges because historically people did not give you information that you desired. But maybe think about what you desire? The example of wanting to know who T's bf is may be a good example. It is without doubt her private life and personal info and while it is indeed good therapeutic material, the fact is that you are pushing her to talk about something that in inappropriate in the context of therapy. Other people might feel similarly (intruded upon) when pushed for private information like that... even friends and family members, and probably rightly so. I mean, love life of adults is indeed private matter. Maybe some people in your history were overly and excessively secretive but I personally would have hard time imagining how this could be compensated for in the present with getting this information from your T? Perhaps learning to be satisfied in a relationship with reasonable boundaries that are appropriate to the actual relationship is a more constructive process? It's been for me at least but I did not know it until I was at a point when I accepted it and felt the liberation from dropping the desire.

I hope you don't take this post as criticism, I mostly just wanted to share my experience and thoughts, may or may not be relevant.

Objectclient: Have you asked your T any of the questions you want to find out by googling? In the past, T has answered most of my questions, but not about her ex-husband or about current partner. That makes me want to find out. She's always said "you can ask me".

I agree the researching and obsessing is my way of wanting to be close to T, and trying to be in her life. I just tried to "have a conversation with that part" like T says to do. She said she wants to be part of T's life, but needs a face for T's partner. Or else, she wants T for herself. I told her, that child part, that she can't be part of T's life, that T doesn't want her to be. She cried when she heard that. I told her that she can be part of MY life, and she has to accept that T loves her, but she can only be in her life during the session. After that, she has me. Then I hugged her, or tried to visualize my hugging her. She just held onto me and cried.

So, it comes down to attachment again. Maybe that incubator. Not getting what I needed from my Mom. Idk. Awfully strong feelings in reaction to T saying "no". I really want to do the EMDR. In the meantime, I have to radically accept that T can't or won't give me everything I want. In DBT, we learned about "turning our mind." Over and over. Accepting reality. Over and over....

I wrote the above mostly for me but maybe it will help others. Comments welcome of course.

I very much appreciate your post! I didn't see it when I posted again earlier. I don't have time to reply now, but wanted to thank you and tell you I'll reply later.

Wow. Very powerful visual.

No, I never felt comfortable asking as I don't think T would have welcomed it, or that I could have survived the rejection. Although T did self-disclose when it was relevant to my therapy, she made sure to censor what she said so that I didn't get to find out anymore than I absolutely needed to.

I do agree that this googling and obsessing, needing to know about T and wanting to be in T's life is also about boundaries. I interpreted my T's boundaries as her being emotionally unavailable to me. I felt angry at this because from my perspective, T was the one person who could provide everything I felt I needed/had ever needed emotionally, yet she chose not to. It was like punishment or torture to me, yet I had done nothing to deserve it.

In your case, Rainbow; I can understand why you suppose being a premature baby could explain your feelings towards your T now. In fact, it makes perfect sense. How are you with boundaries in relationships outside of therapy?

There are some great posts on this subject in this thread. Thank you all for sharing.

I too have obsessive tendencies. I can spend way too much time 'ruminating' on therapy and my therapist. Some of this is productive in that I'm processing my own stuff but some of it feels like escapism and that's a pattern for me too. I ruminate about my therapist and I ruminate about my Ex.

I have mentioned this before but I'll bring it up again here. The connection I've made for myself and my own childhood is that my Family DIDN'T communicate about anything too emotional, hard, or personal and no they didn't ask me or help me with anything I was going through. I never had those mom/daughter chats about anything personal. My mother was depressed and anxious, my father was not there, and my Grandmother was over-protective and critical.

There was a lot of unspoken shame - that no one in that family really deserved, let alone me. I heard/read something somewhere that when a child is not given an explanation for trauma in the family, they fill in the gaps with their mind and will place themselves at the center of it as a way of feeling some form of control. I have come to learn how I internalized all of that as a kid and the silence - that lack of explanation or communication about any of it led me to fill in the holes with my own feeling of culpability.

I also kept to myself, tried to avoid doing anything 'wrong' or upsetting, avoided having my own emotions about things and let my own daydreams make up the void. I still do to this day. Basically, I was filling a hole in my life with my own thoughts and I think that's an instinct that carries on today in my obsessive rumination about any close relationship.

The long and short of it is this: I'm still filling in those childhood holes. Information feels like protection. Information feels like control. Occasionally it even feels like love.