T says I can change my pattern but I don't know how

T said today that it happens over and over with me and her in therapy. I feel really good about our relationship or about the session but then something happens and my mood changes. She usually doesn't mention my diagnosis but she said it's a borderline issue. If her email or words aren't exactly what I want to hear I get upset. I lose the good feelings. She says it's never enough for me. That's true.

She wants me to tell myself that it's okay, that I'm okay, and that nothing has changed. She says I can put more of myself in there to comfort me. She says she thinks I do this with others too.

So I said I don't know if I believe that you love me. She said she does but then went on to say it's different from the love for her children or her partner. I got triggered by her saying " love for my partner" because now I know she's still with him. I didn't say anything. I know I have to work out my jealousy by myself. I don't know if I will ever find another partner to love and that is making me cry right now while writing this.

I mentioned about the flashcards and she thought that was a good idea. I have a session on my birthday and she said we could do it then.

So I need to tell myself that T will always love me in a special way no matter what she says or writes in an email. I have to remember that. I have to learn how not to spoil it for myself. My mood changes in an instant, though. Last session I felt wonderful. I wish I still did.

Sounds like the message isnt getting thru to your subconscious. Ive been feeling, for myself, even before hurting my back and crushing on my cute little chiropractor (honest!), that i needed to start being more adult with my t. Like ive satisfied my childish needs, lets move on. Hes probably thinking, omg about effing time. So if you really want to do stg special for your birthday, what would an ideal time with your t look like? Not pretending to be friends or artists together, but just being who you both really are together?

You wrote about romantic partner but how is your life in terms of friends, rainbow? Do you have some close, rewarding friendships? If not, would it help to actively look for some, so perhaps the relationship with T would not carry all the weight of your needs?

una, your reply makes sense but it stings! I don't think my childish needs will ever get satisfied, unfortunately. T says we've been working on my building up my Self for a long time. I know I shouldn't pretend to be artists or friends with T. What I really want right now is a mother because I don't feel well physically but I don't know what's wrong. Except for the heel spur, and terrible allergies, and pain in my arm. T thinks a lot of my pain is psychosomatic. I disagree. I hate not feeling well!

Hope this isn't too off topic but I developed a heel spur in my mid twenties. I had a cortisone shot nearing my thirties and it never bothered me again. I'll be 45 this year. Highly reccomended!

I have some very close friends so T does NOT carry all the weight of my needs. It's different with my T because of the attachment issues and still wanting unconditional love and whatever I missed as an infant and child. My friends are wonderful and I can exchange I love yous with them, but I still have that yearning for T or for my mother or whomever T represents. I just have to accept reality I guess.

Thanks, growly. I've had heel spurs years ago too, and had cortisone shots twice! About 4 years ago had another shot, and got orthotics, ordered by my podiatrist. The orthotics worked all this time! I just got a night splint today, refused the cortisone shot. I did too much walking over the weekend so I'll see what happens.

I have had this dynamic with certain people in my life and you know what is frustrating? I ask myself what is it that I actually WANT them to feel for me - and I seriously can't answer the question. I kept thinking I want them to care about me / love me / have regard for me. But I can't quite grasp EXACTLY what this means, or exactly what it would feel like (in their minds) for them to have that attitude towards me. There is something that seems so ungraspable, and murky but so overwhelmingly significant about it :/

Anyway, can't offer much advice but certainly sympathize!

Hi Rainbow. Maybe it's been said already in past threads, but do you think that maybe some of the issue is that you seek or need emotional intensity, whether it's positive or negative--that without the intensity, a feeling doesn't seem real or genuine? Because that would explain some of why the good feelings are not sustainable--they are too high in intensity. The real, everyday kind of good feelings about people might feel bland to you or not even register, but they are the enduring kinds of feelings (at least, that's how I've found it). So that calm middle ground actually makes you feel anxious for something intense until you can get the next intense feeling?

Just a thought.

I can relate to not being able to grasp what it is I want them to feel. They tell me they care, love, are amazed, ... whatever and most the time I believe them..that it is what they feel; however, I don't feel loved or cared for... so what is it that I am not getting or what is it that I need to get to feel them. Most the time I feel worthy of those things, so I don't think that is my issue. Don't know. I'm right there with you.

Thanks, snowqueen. I'm sorry you feel the same way. I told T today that I want unconditional love. I want to know she's always going to be there for me. So I really I want to be a baby and have T be my mother. Early in therapy I used to say I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and live in her pouch. I thought I got over that! It could be because I'm having all these physical problems and realizing I miss my husband. And getting older. My H and I were supposed to grow old together. I'm going to be the age my Mom and my husband died. That too.

Oops, I hit reply before I answered the other posts. Sorry. I'm so mixed up lately.

Sorry sorry sorry! I just want you to feel how wonderful it is to finally take off that little girl coat and talk to t like a fellow adult, and SEE the look on their face! But hey you cant rush it, i know that. It happens when it happens. But you CAN give your mind a hint, i think

I think you're on to something here, ruh roh! I have always liked the intensity of therapy. I miss the "in love" feelings I had for my T. I like sessions with intensity, though I'd rather have positive than negative. When T's email was ordinary, it shot down my mood. Her signing "love" used to be intense; now it's ordinary. When I said " I love you" to her, it was intense for me last week, but today in a slightly different context they already didn't mean much.

Thanks, Elio. Maybe my T is right. We have to work on US feeling the love and caring from others. I feel it from a few close friends but I crave it from T. I told her it's not real because I'm a client, so that's when she said it's different from how she loves others, but it's still love. She's right. It doesn't seem enough. I think because I didn't feel loved as a baby though my parents loved me.

Rainbow, just another little tip on the heel spur, sometimes a sturdy new pair of walking shoes helps as well - I once had a flare up that was caused by my shoes breaking down too much. Stretching exercises help as well, but I'm sure you do that already! I am sorry you are not feeling well - do you think a visit to the doctor for a blood workup might help, if you haven't tried that already?

Hi Rainbow, I'm not sure if she's doing you a favor with the frequent reassurance. How can your sense of self change when the therapist is always reacting to your needs as they come up?

I think it's good at the 'infant' stages of therapy, and maybe that can take long, but eventually, it's healthy to go through the individuation separation stage. It can be freeing, too.

Just my take on it.