Finding that inner strength...

I have found that this depression has knocked me for a loop. Evenings are pretty good.. almost normal good even. The rest of the day sucks and I have problems being alone for a previously independent woman. Today I asked my pdoc over the phone for hope and strength...as this has been so long of a journey and it just is forever and endless. He said that he had to go. Basically I was whining...embarrassing but true and even have considered seeking more help via the hospital. Alas, I just keep working and want to conquer this hoooooha within me.

I feel so weak and now feel even more at odds with my pdoc but it must be for a reason. I know he knows the answers should be within me but they are not always there during the day.

How do YOU find your strength within? Hope? Peace? Faith that things WILL work out? Etc..

I swim generally 4-5 times a week or go to water aerobics and that does help but that is after work. What do you do or what do you tell yourself to keep yourself safe and moving forward?

Also, when depressed, how can I stop talking about it. I am so self involved but that is the depression. Meds take time and I have to have faith they will assist with all that I need to do.

Thanks for your input. Sadly it is time to take meds and go to bed so I can wake again... and around and around we go.

Keep it positive if possible but neutral is o.k.. I just can not take alot of flack right now. THanks.

My meds have helped me a lot. Before that, I went to bed when it got too tough. Writing also helped - if you can write it all out (hopefully without sending it to someone), that can diffuse it and take some of the power out. And I cry out in prayer a lot. Sadly more ardently when I'm in pain than when I'm not when it can help me in both situations. That can really settle me down and give me a break and let me sleep.

My T said something similar to me today about having to find what I need within myself instead of getting it from other people. I think patience and being still helps there a little bit.

It's also ok to regress a little or disassociate. My T says so. Sometimes you need the pain killer so to speak.

(((SecretGarden)))

((((Secret))))

It's so good to see a post from you!!!

When I feel in despair, as you sound like you do, I find there are no magic answers. I try reading first and foremost because if I can lost myself in a book, then sometimes by the time I get out of it, I feel a little better. Or, the book itself can help to shift the mood. I used to absolutely love Ann Tyler books. Have you ever read her? Pure fiction, beautiful writing and realistic characterizations. You would enjoy "Back When We Were Grownups."
And, if reading is too hard because I don't have the concentration, then books on tape are an option. I love them.

I also use my blessed relaxation tapes. they got me through the most difficult depression last winter when my son was sick. It's so good that you are swimming--the brain chemicals that are released during exercise really help fight depression.

I don't know how you can stop talking about your depression. I don't think you should stop. I think that we need to keep talking. So, it's a good thing you are back so you can talk talk talk to us to your heart's content!!

((((Secret)))))

Take gentle care and be good to yourself. I think you are very brave.

Books... If I'm feeling bad and I have the money for it I go to the bookstore and spend a lot of time there searching out something that I'd really like to read.

Aside from that... Taking it easy on myself. Being gentle with myself. Doing special little things for myself. Seeing a movie or taking a bubblebath or going for a walk somewhere nice.

Trying to be mindfully aware of something nice. To try and appreciate and take some joy from little things. The sound of a bird. The smell of coffee. The crunch of leaves. Water is pretty and soothing. Trying to focus on the small nice things and not focus so much on what is dark and depressing. But that being said sometimes having a bit of a cry can help too...

Yes, books help me too. Also, remembering that I've "out waited" bad times before. I still remember my T's "final" words/advice to me the last day I saw her, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other".

When I'm really confused and miserable, I do something like Alexandra's mindfulness, I "stop" and ask myself what I "want"; what little thing would make me feel a bit better. Once, alone at the zoo in an unfriendly downtown and very lonely and miserable I asked myself that and the answer was "an ice cream cone". There was none nearby so I ended up having to go to the grocery store and buy cones and ice cream, a scoop, etc. and creating my own. The whole experience, which took a goodly bit of time, ended up being very good because I had done something 100% just for me, just because it was what "I" wanted, etc. In addition, I had "distracted" myself from my misery for that bit of time so the self-esteem improvement and the distraction/interest in working on getting something I wanted/being in "flow" was very helpful and now I trot it out to "remember" whenever I'm low and that helps in the present/future circumstances.

Use your will and think of a "want" and follow it.

Thanks everyone. These are all good. I do appreciate it.

Any thoughts on being at a job that I really need but have lost enthusiasm for? Needing to just make it through the day and feel o.k. about being there. I feel like I am having a temper tantrum but now I can not do that. I just have to do the job. Waiting for the depression to lift. I know I need to do something to make it positive but that is not easy.

I use to take stuff from home to my job; a notebook from a hobby I work on or care for, a book I'm reading, sometimes I made a list of things to "explore" during my lunch period (where the nearest library is, for example) or I got a pedometer and used the hallways at work to try and get a bit of a "walk" in :-)

My job would get too repetitive for me and boring so I'd make charts and manuals and try to do "timed" trials, testing myself to do it better or faster or to reduce it into a "checklist" like a to-do list that I could check off and get the satisfaction of seeing what I'd done (even though it was the accounting department and the same invoices I'd done the previous month :-)

I'd think about the things I disliked most and see if I could do more of them, better (like filing, phone calls, putting up with my VP boss ;-)

Think of some individual thing that really bugs you, like when someone asks you a particular question over and over or bugs you too many times about the same thing, etc. and come up with a really pleasant, nice, polite, helpful reply that you'd never dream of saying and start saying it each time with a really nice smile/sincere voice and after the first or second time it will become silly/funny to/for you, kind of your own code/joke.

Take a particularly bad problem and "name" it. I named the office candy/snack machine "Huge Hugh" and started treating it like it was alive/a threat to me :-) I told a friend at work and we'd laugh together, especially when I'd describe "him". When I'd go into the office kitchen I'd "avoid" Hugh, like he was going to reach out and grab me, especially when my friend was around to see. It sometimes worked too, I didn't buy as much junk. Make friends with a water fountain or challenge a coworker to a smiling contest or something. I always found things easier if I involved someone else.

(((secret))) I have missed you!

Two possibilities as I see it:

(1) Is it possible that this p-doc has taken you as far as he can go?

You have not done anything wrong. I'm just thinking that he isn't taking you were you need to go. Maybe he can't. Try calling a new therapist and see what happens.

It's just one visit right?

(2) Now, if this is a meds issue, maybe they are not working for you. Or like in my case, my T only told me recently about my cyclothymia so adding lamictal has helped. I'm a little angry today but I know why that is.

As for how to stay motivated to work at a job you are not into? My only suggestion is to change jobs. I did this and it was the best thing I ever did.

Hi Secret. It's great to see your posts again.

Right now, I don't have too many suggestions on what to do during work... this is because I'm going through the same thing... so I can empathize with you. I don't have to deal with it at my internship because it's a fast paced environment in which I am putting other peoples' needs before my own... but at my regular job, it's horrible.

All I can tell you is that you should be proud of yourself for sticking with it and getting through the day. I don't normally define things into clear-cut steps, but I will tell you this and then explain what I mean-- even if you feel like crap, you are still doing step 2. You see, I have assigned 3 steps to life with depression/anxiety/etc. They are:

Step 1: Not doing it at all.
Step 2: Doing it, but hating it because it's agonizing.
Step 3: Doing it and enjoying it.

Presently when it comes to my job and most things in my life, I am a step 2 person. I think back to when I was a step 1 person, stuck at home everyday because my problems took over. Congratulations on doing it, but hating it. It's okay. It's a very important step.

I hope you keep posting.

Can one go from hating something with depression to being tolerable?

I just keep coming but it is not so fun. lol.

I would like to post more but some things trigger.

I miss being here as I was at first...so eager.

Thanks everyone! I want to be enthusiastic but this is no time to be changing jobs. Also, I think that after 16 or so years with this guy I am not sure it would be easy to leave him either. It would be quite an amputation.

Editing my steps.... at Secret's request because she's right.

Step 1: Not doing it at all.
Step 2: Doing it but hating it.
Step 3: Doing it and tolerating it.
Step 3: Doing it and enjoying it.

SecretGarden, it is so nice to see you posting. I have missed you. (((hugs)))

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SecretGarden said:
What do you do or what do you tell yourself to keep yourself safe and moving forward?

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At the height of depression, I turned a lot toward my kids and found meaning in devoting myself to filling their essential needs. I was so depressed I could do little, so I focused on doing only the essential and made my kids a priority.

I tried to clear non-essential stuff from my plate so I had less to deal with, since I had so few resources. For example, I stopped doing non-essential stuff related to work, such as outside of work hours events, bringing work home with me, answering work emails from home, etc. I just cut back to the minimum. I sometimes used my sick days at work or took extra vacation days to get more time for me.

I stopped going to social events as these depressed me further. It is one thing to be depressed on your own, but feeling down amidst a large group of people was far worse for me. Basically, I stopped doing things that made me feel more depressed or stressed out.

It's important to go to therapy at this time, even though you may feel so down it is hard to make yourself go. I remember forcing myself to go to therapy every week. I was going to see a CBT counselor at the time. Everything she suggested for my depression, I tried. I trusted her to know things that might help. Do not withdraw from your therapist/pdoc. Use him for support during this difficult time.

One thing my counselor suggested was reaching out to others and trying to build up my support network as she told me she couldn't be my sole source of support. She told me it would help me to share with people that I was having a hard time right now. So I did try what she suggested, and reached out to a couple of family members and friends. This was very helpful, just like she said it would be.

Another thing that was really critical to me was my sleep. Not being able to sleep and being constantly exhausted were intertwined with my depression. So, at my counselor's suggestion, I focused a lot of effort on trying to get enough sleep each day. This meant often stealing naps during the middle of the day or in the early evening. Every minute of sleep I could grab for myself was precious. With a strong effort, I was gradually able to increase my sleep from 3 hrs per 24 hr period to 5-6 hours. This helped me tremendously.

I feel my depression bettered somewhat over the course of about a year. When I sought out a new therapist, I was not nearly as depressed, and was almost instantly cured by the new guy as he offered me hope and his confidence I could conquer my problems. And his unconditional regard and empathy. Somehow, his hope made me feel hopeful myself, and this in turn made me be feel less depressed. But it was no one thing that did the trick.

In the worst days, it helped me to listen to music I liked. I was too depressed to read much or journal. Later, when less depressed, I was able to journal and found it helpful.

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Waiting for the depression to lift.

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SG, I worry that you are waiting for a magical event that is not just going to happen one day. Do you have a pattern of being depressed and having it suddenly lift? I don't want you to be disappointed if the depression hangs in there, as it does for an extended period for many people. Keep attacking this problem every way you know how. (((hugs)))

As almedafan suggested, maybe it is time to have a therapist (in addition to your pdoc). Different therapists approach depression in different ways. A fresh look and fresh approach might not be a bad thing. You need someone who can give you a lot of support right now. Pdocs are notorious for being meds-focused, so I worry that since you are seeing a pdoc for your therapy, he won't be support-focused enough for your needs. You need a lot of support from a therapist right now!

Hang in there, SG, and please post whenever you are able. I worry about you.

Thank you. I think that part of my depression is that I have been thinking something magical would happen and it indeed has not.

And it has been 7-9 months.

Good ideas .... Thanks all. Sunny thanks for all that you gave me there. It was alot.

I used to have depressions that would last a day or two and lift and I think my pdoc thought that would happen but it has not. He and I are frustrated.

I know Secret, what am I even saying to you? I could never leave my T...scratch that one!

You thoughts and questions are valid almeda ..... the timing is just difficult.

SG, how about not leaving your pdoc, but just getting a therapist in addition to your pdoc? I've seen that many people here on PC have both a pdoc and a therapist. That way you could keep the longstanding relationship but maybe benefit from a new approach too. It sounds like you need something to give this stuck depression a boot and joggle it towards movement, and maybe a new T could do this.

I'm not sure where you are at with your meds (I think I remember you mentioning Lexapro before), but I wanted to share with you an interesting article I read this summer on a different meds approach to depression for people who had tried the standard ADs and not had luck with them. It involved using very low doses of narcotics, non-addicting ones. It is not widely used in the U.S. because of the phobia about naracotics here. But these drugs were able to cure some intractable cases of depression that other meds did not. If you are interested, please let me know, and I will look up the reference (it's in a popular magazine somewhere at home). It was very thought-provoking.

I asked a coworker about getting another therapist as an adjunct temp or permanent. I am so exhausted that I wish I had done this weeks ago.

I hate drugs but took my lexapro happily for years. Now I have doubled the lexapro and take seroquel nights and rispardal days and was taking klonopin for 4 days this weekend. I am sleeping .... but I do not see the depression lifting. (Small doses of the seroquel and rispardal but still sometimes I wonder if I am coming or going....)

I am afraid to look at that article.....but let me think about it.

When you were so depressed did you find that you were sometimes normal like at night? Tonight I am not even that so I hope tonight does me well.

You were able to think enough to do good work? I am looking for diversions as I seem to need to be around others...but also get nervous....oh ya...ativan too.

I tend to want to go to the hospital like it is a goal or something and I do not understand that as it is only temporary and would screw up my work life...at least I think.

I was this bad close to 20 years ago and survived but was hospitalized. This is not a realistic option. It is like I am damning myself.

Way back then I went to groups. I have no kids or hubby to attend to but the kitties are huggable.

I ramble on. Wishing for strength this evening ....but pdoc in the morn.

There is nothing they can do for me in the hospital...so why can I not give that idea up?

I will ask my pdoc about another therapist or some way to help...though he wants me to figure it all out myself. Not sure I have the strength for this right now.

I admire your journey and tenacity Sunny.

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SecretGarden said:
When you were so depressed did you find that you were sometimes normal like at night? Tonight I am not even that so I hope tonight does me well.

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It is very typical of my depression to be worse in the morning, lift a bit during the day, but then come back late at night once my husband goes to bed. These are the mild to moderate depressions. When I get into a severe depressive episode, there is not a minute of the day in which I feel better. The depth of the depression is consistent throughout the day.

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able to think enough to do good work?

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In a mild to moderate depression, yes. With a very big push, I can still work. And it helps. In a severe depression, I have closed the door to my office, put my head down, cried, and accomplished next to zero. At my internship, this is rare. There has only been one time in which I felt as though I was thinking of myself before the patients and that my own issues were jeopardizing the quality of the therapy that I was giving.

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I tend to want to go to the hospital like it is a goal or something and I do not understand that as it is only temporary and would screw up my work life...at least I think.

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I have thought about this as well. Quite recently. In fact T had mentioned the hospital and I was horrified and relieved at the same time. I do not understand either, why I would want to go to the hospital. I mean, that would screw up school/work/internship. Aside from that, I was hospitalized once, 8 years ago, and it was a very traumatic experience. Well, maybe I do understand why... I think the hospital serves as a "break." Not the type of break that is relaxing because being a patient is highly stressful. But to go to the hospital is to finally let yourself go and to say, "%#@&#! it. I can't handle anything anymore so I am going to take the most extreme measure of treatment possible and just screw everything for awhile." Sometimes it seems as though the hospital is the only thing that can really address the seriousness of the situation.

SG, I am thinking of you. PM me if you need anything. I am so glad that you are coming back on here and I hope that if anything, you can at least read our stories and relate a little bit. We are all here for you.

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SecretGarden said:
When you were so depressed did you find that you were sometimes normal like at night?

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No, I was pretty much depressed all the time. Nights were really hard for me because of my inability to sleep. To avoid that whole awful scene, I would not go to bed until about 3 am or later.

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You were able to think enough to do good work?

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Not me. I cried a dozen times a day at work, my memory was shot, I was often a couple of hours late in the morning, I took last minute sick days, and withdrew from some of my responsibilities. I'm amazed I didn't get fired. I would have fired me. I am still not 100%.

It sounds like going to a hospital may be a way for you to escape from reality, and I can see that would be appealing. I hope you will not have to go in, but please do if you get desperate or feel unsafe.

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I will ask my pdoc about another therapist or some way to help...though he wants me to figure it all out myself.

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That statement bewilders and troubles me. Why wouldn't he want to suggest ways to help your depression? If he wants you to figure it out on your own, maybe you should just find a therapist, start going, and then report back to him on how it's going after a few months--if you want to. You certainly don't need his permission to see a therapist, and it sounds like he wants you to make decisions on your own. So, if you want to see a therapist, go for it. I would be skeptical about referrals from your pdoc (he doesn't sound trustworthy or supportive to me, from what you've written here--sorry).

Hang in there, SG. It is very good to see you here again.

((Secret Garden)) Hope your ok!

Nice to see you Mouse. :-)

Having a few panic or anxiety concerns now but hanging in. Gee nights are better for me now though not grand. I am holding on for better times like it once was and will now try to go to places to curtail the anxiety. It is not all bad. Swimming has been good for me and I look forward to that tomorrow.

I moved at work about a month ago and will be moving again in a couple weeks. Nothing like a bit o stress. I have difficulty with change. Just holding on to the seat of my pants and hoping that nothing goes wrong.

I have been struggling to spend time with myself which used to be one of my favorite hobbies or at least on the internet. I have given up some internet connections and that has left a hole and the depression kind of magnifies that I suppose.

Anyhow...bed time again.. Sigh* I am worried about moving and trying to stifle my desire to tell my new roomies that I am struggling and depressed. It just is not a good thing though it is like difficult when I am low. Poo. Night.

Hi SecretGarden,

From your post on page 1:
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Can one go from hating something with depression to being tolerable?

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When I'm at my worst I struggle to motivate myself to to do any work and everything I accomplish is painful and tedious. The depression doesn't have to lift entirely for things to get better, it's the motivation/energy aspect which makes a difference. Once I can get myself going and be involved in what I'm doing it becomes interesting.

You say you're exhausted. I was on seroquel (plus other meds) and really struggled to get up every day. I thought it was the depression, but I've changed meds and now I don't have to struggle with tiredness so much. Just a thought. I know seroquel is fantastic for getting to sleep but there may be other options. Ritalin (as a stimulant) gave me back the motivation/energy. It's not an anti-depressant but I feel somewhat better being able to function at work.

((Secret))

Secret, look in to this workbook I am using. My T mentioned it last session. At first, I was hesitant because I tend to discount things before I try them.

If you like it, try it slowly and not all at once. I tend to do that too and get burned out, missing the whole point.

Mind Over Mood, you can view it on Amazon.