Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

t,

i miss you. a lot. seriously.

me

I really,really miss you.

JD! (((JD)))

Stay safe, JD (((JD)))

Love you, T, because you're you
Love you here to Timbuktu
Love you like a soaring rocket
Love you like you're in my pocket
Love you near and love you far
Love you when I'm in a car
Love you like a freight train steaming
Love you California dreaming
Love you more than I could borrow
And I'll be seeing you tomorrow

Dear T.

I genuinely don't think that you would intentionally hurt me. Like I said a few weeks ago, I truly think that you are one of life's good guys, but none of that matters if we can't get on the same page. I have had these thoughts from the beginning, and I gave it a chance. I had them after a few months, and I gave it more time. I had them a few months ago and I gave it the benefit of the doubt. How many chances do I give it? Note I say 'it', and not 'you'. This isn't about you, it is about your ability to understand. Not your want, your ability.

Why do I keep giving it a chance? Because I trust you. Because I like you. Because I can see that you care and that you are trying, and that you are patient with me, and those right there are the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

But is that enough?

I've got such a lot of crap going on in my head at the moment, I don't know where to start... and I'm not sure you really want to hear any of it. But you are always polite and kind and try to make me feel like I'm not the biggest waste of time ever (even though I don't really believe that).
I wasn't going to see you this week, but I've got a **** appointment coming up which I'm dreading and I've got a horrible feeling it's going to leave me in a not very good place, so I've booked a session with you afterwards just in case.
Why I am going to appointments that leave me worse when I come out than before I went in, I don't know.... except everyone keeps telling me to give it a try, let them help me.... So I am persevering, because I don't want to be seen as a quitter.... even though that's what I feel like most of the time.

I hope your T can help!

I hope you are better and safe JD!

hi t, last night as i was getting ready for bed i was thinking that i needed to take some time and do an Active Imagination and talk to carlos from that dream. well that thought was all the invitation he needed because he started talking to me in my head and i grabbed my dream journal and wrote down everything. the last thing he said was so perfect and summed up all of it he said "Choose to listen to your own voice. Therein lies your passion." I wonder why all this wisdom is so locked away in my head? Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Then after that I really must stop the weekly stuff. I heart you.

Dear T,
I need your help to keep my sanity or the shreds I have left of it. I’m trying my new AP tomorrow. I’m scared I’ll get worse before I get better. My husband leaves in about a week and I’m worried I’ll have a psychotic break in front of my son. I need coping skills, like a ton. I’ve never been scared of losing reality but now I am. Help me with these new feelings.

Dear MC,
I feel like I should e-mail again and just be like, "Never mind, I know it's normal to miss people and stuff and I'll get over it. I was trying to find some deeper meaning behind it like going back to preverbal stuff from childhood. But maybe I just miss you because you make me feel understood? Because I like talking to you? Isn't that like a normal thing? Though I guess it's not like this is a normal relationship, so I guess not. Not counting in session, I suspect I think of you 1,000,000 times for every time you think of me... Miss you."
Love,
LT

THAT will be the first mass email we send to our t's!!

Omg yes.

I think I already sent that one.

While youve been watching me struggle to get to appointments that dont work with my job demands, then suddenly were uncharacteristically, overly nice, you seemed like my brother being nice to me to lure me in his room to torture me. And like my father, being nice to trick me before he did sadistic things to me. You have been watching me struggle week aftet week and just let it happen and like an amused and unempathetic voyeur to my distress, like you enjoy it

art T,

so tomorrow we will have this final session. Saying good-bye.
While I don't want to say good-bye, I know by now that this is the right decision. This group was too much to handle for me.

There's so much I would want to tell you. I'm still angry about this whole group thing. And yet: It was such an important experience that you let this anger just be, even validated it. That I could express this anger and nothing really bad happened because of it...
This whole group roller-coaster. I hope that we will be able to reflect on it together. At least a little bit. I'm not sure though whether I'll be up for it though.

I'm sad, because I won't be seeing you any longer. I'll miss you. I miss you already. I'm thankful for the time we had, and what I learned and found out about myself in all those sessions with you. Thanks for providing a space where I always had the feeling I can just be. And it'll be ok. And
Thanks for helping me holding those ambivalent feelings in the grey zone....

In fact, this is where I am right now - in the grey zone... Not my favourite place really...

And please, will you give me a hug?
cr

You were in my dream today. You were older than you are, and we were sitting too close.
Then you gave me a book and left me, and i was reading this book through the end of the session.

I love you. See you tomorrow. I hope you sleep well. Good night.

I had quite a disturbing dream about you last night. I'm glad I'm seeing you today. I wonder how youll feel about this dream.

art T,
so you cancelled tomorrow bc you're ill.
Why now? You're never ill, I can't remember a single session in 2 years that got cancelled because you're ill. I just want to get this over with....
cr

T,
Thank you for calling me today! You said it was like a reset for me, and it was. I really really needed it. I was having a complete breakdown Monday night, and now I'm much more calm. I feel safe and secure again. I'm still struggling, but I'm coping.

I told you I need you!

R,

I really hope you didn't just try to call me. I don't answer phone calls from numbers I don't know, but then, I don't remember giving you my home phone number...so it couldn't have been you, could it? Please let me know that we're OK cancelling tomorrow. Given what we were going to do, I feel like a coward, but...it can't be helped. The run up has been damaging...I tried to write a poem last night, twice...and I can't find the words for this.

I really hope to see you next Thursday.

You're a billion times better in person.