Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I kept it casual in my reply to your text, but I'm so relieved we were able to reschedule. All that effort....erm, panicking...not gone to waste. See you next Thursday.

Hei T,

I spent my afternoon watching comedies and laying around in bed instead of doing stuff for university. I want to ruin my life and just stay in misery forever. Because obviously that's the only thing I really want to do (and know how to do).

That's who I am. A moody teenager who is always crying and complaining instead of taking responsibility for her own life.
I need to get a job, quit university and just life my own live (and get straight when to write "life" and when "live"). Quit with you, quit with breathing-woman-something and most important: Quit with pdoc.
It's called growing up

Dear MC,
Is this transference fitting more of a pattern than I realized before? Are you seeing me as the one causing the problems in my life/marriage because I'm the mentally ill one? And I'm the one who needs to adjust how I am? I guess the difference is that you're not (presumably) going to reject me for those MH issues, in the sense of termination/forbidding contact...But if that's still how you view me, is it really that much different?

Maybe the different ending isn't just you not abandoning me. Maybe it's me standing up for myself and being like, "Maybe I do have some MH issues and some fears of things like anger. But I can still have those and be a functioning human being. Maybe I don't have to be fixed by you after all. Maybe I need to realize that I don't need to be 'fixed' per se...maybe it isn't always me that's the problem. Maybe I don't need to adapt myself to how everyone else is."
I need to think on this some more...
Love,
LT

8 hours and counting. I kind of don't want to see you today because that will mean that it will be 5 days before I see you again and really 1 hour is not enough time.

Right now, I'm done trying to solve the problem of how I'm going to get through your vacation. The little boy is saying you're the mommy you solve it. Yeah, what ideas do you have or are you trying to get me to just accept that there will be nothing.

already feel gross and sick
but i have to push through it

dont freak out on me today, please?

You got this jDNA. You've been here before and you've gotten through to the other side. You know it sucks in the moment, cuz well it does suck, but it won't last. Keep it up.

Days like this when I don't have much to do are so painful because I think about you the whole time...And this two week break because of your vacation is not helping. I can't wait for Friday.

I'm debating whether to call in sick on Friday and then ask you if I can come in earlier. I need a day away from the office and I need to talk to you. Actually I just need to be in the same room with you, we don't even have to talk.

art T,

this sucks. I don't want to leave you. But there's no other option. So no point in dragging this out, right? And now you cancel our final session this week. Because you're ill. Bad timing or what?!

This is f****g painful. It hurts. Now I'll have to keep going like this for another week! Until today I had the vague hope that the worst might be over by the end of this week. That things might at least start to look slightly better. That maybe I'd have one or two referrals that I could set up appointments with. Check them out. Moving on and staying busy.

I know. You would probably say right now that is ok to feel sad. That I should allow myself to feel my sadness about all this. Stay true to my feelings and all the rest... Maybe you'd even admit that you feel sad about saying good-bye too... Well. Don't even think about going off this tangent. The little ones won't take it well. After all it is you who started all this mess. So you'd better not give me all this BS that this is difficult for you too...

You cancelling tomorrow's session has stirred up all those mixed feelings that I had put so nicely on hold. Don't know whether I'll manage to put them back on hold until next week. Which makes the little ones slightly difficult to manage. We might have an 'interesting' final session - just to give you some advance warning...

cr.

Yeah that stuff you said last week. I wish i could tell you what I'm thinking about it. You may not know me so well after all... I'm struggling again with the desire to wrap this up so i can just do the painful work of getting over you already. Goddess this attachment is gonna do me in i swear. I don't want it anymore.

Can't let 'Dear T' go without one last:
I love you, T.

T,

I have so many things that I want to tell you on Saturday. Things I have never told anyone. I'm so frightened. Please keep me safe.

Daisy

I had no idea you were so biased.

Dear M,

In the past two sessions (and never previously) you've stood up and tapped my shoulder right as I'm leaving. Not a pat or rub. A tap, with one fingertip. It's interrupting my routine of scuttling out all skulkily so that I don't have to make eye contact. I have thoughts about this:

1. You should ask before you touch me! I learned about all that asking stuff because YOU taught me! You ask every other time, why is the tappy thing exempt?
2. I would prefer it to be a hug. I really want a goodbye hug, we've hugged and used touch in other contexts but never in greeting/parting. The shoulder tap is startling to me. And it feels like a substitute hug. Let's just make it a hug, ok? Since it seems like we both want one? Deal?
3. I'm amused that you're as awkward about this as I am. Come on M!

Dear L,

Come to think of it, recently I've felt like our leavetaking is missing something too. I'm glad you don't tap. But you stare at me expectantly and I don't get it. Are you cool with touch? Can I ask you for a hug too? Is that why you are staring? Sheesh.

Dear T,

So you are pretty much amazing, just thought you should know..now how will I tell you what is needed?

Dear MC,
I know the adult part of me had some thoughts for you earlier. But the little kid part of me is wondering...do you still exist? Miss you.
Love,
LT

hiya t. today was one of those sessions that went by in a blink and i didn't want to leave i wanted to stay for another hour or two!! you were very you today (well the you that I know of course), like how you said I wasvery me today or whatever. thank you for that.

T-

I just want to sit in your office... maybe even cry a little. That's all.
I hope you have a cancellation tomorrow.

Healed

Dear Dr. S, I am, oh I don't know the word, I love you and I want to cuss you out. I want to thank you for being there today and tantrum that you are still taking a vacation and that there is nothing I can do about it. I want to tell you that you better not change your plans because of what I share and I want to beg you not to leave. It's not that I am waffling or that I am torn, I want to do all of these things. Oh what, I am I to do? And f_ck Monday is a long ways away. Sigh, we have 2 weeks not 1 week before your vacation. Why do you have to be human in this way?

Thank you for doing that thing that left me feeling that it was ok to seek support and a hug from, well you know what from. I wish you could give me the hug, I know you can't. It felt like you were trying to though, trying to do the most you could do. One of these days, one of these days, there better be a hug.

Thank you for the message in the AVS. I want to email you an I love you. You already know. Be safe, be well, me.

Oh, and maybe I'll become the most poster on the Dr T thread... as I try to avoid emailing you over the next 5 days.

T, please email me back. I feel like I'm drowning. It hurts so much. I feel like I can't breathe.

oh and t. i'm thinking thinking thinking as is the norm after we talk, this evenings thoughts are about the time that we actually spend together sitting across from each other in your office.... and how i just want it to be longer... i want more of you... but that's not realistic of course so I talk to you in my head instead... a lot!! i so loved seeing you with the cow. yipee ki yi yo! and it's like that was a teeny bit of the 'more' of you that i want. you know? yeah, i know you know. we've talked about this before.... anyway have a safe trip next week and a very very happy birthday!!

i'll probably give you a run for the money haha - my t will be on vacation next week so i will be trying not to bother her....

LOL - I almost already caved. My adult self is too something to fight the little boy. The adult self is at f_ck it... go ahead, it's not going to kill you... or has C basketed the concept. The problem is that if I start today with it in the C basket, I might give LT a run for her money on the most emails sent to a T (MC) in a week.