Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Based on the crowd you hang out with, I feel sorry for you.

Have you any idea how much sleep, how much of my life, I have lost because of your need to glorify yourself?

Please ask me questions also about the negative emotional stuff I've been sharing with you, not just concrete stuff like what I did last week. I know this is your style but I am not happy with it.

And I HATE that I can't email you. After I leave from there, all these thougts come that I feel a strong urge to share with you because I feel they are important. I feel that I can finally tap into the issues we were just tossing around superficially. But I can't email you and if I do even when I am a mess/ in crisis, you hate it. At least this is what I think.

I had a dream about you last night...it was weird but also awesome at the same time. I asked you why you chose to be a T and although the answer you gave doesn't make sense now that I'm awake, in my dream I thought it was the perfect answer. Another thing that happened was that I saw your computer and you this forum pulled up...I got so scared thinking that you've been reading everything on here.

Thankfully, it was all just a dream. But overall, it was a good dream. I don't feel like I miss you as much right now. Maybe the dream will hold me over for the week so I feel more connected.

Anyway, I'll probably send you an email about the stuff we ended our last session with or I'll be thinking about it every day this week.

Hi R,

Why the hell do I always feel guilty after emailing you? I know I wrote the email at midnight, but it's not like I sent it then. Sleep deprived emailing is no good, and I know that. Please acknowledge that you've received it, even if it's just a 'Let's talk about this on Thursday'. As I said, there's method in the way I've done this, because I am aware of my tendency to run away from things I don't want to talk about.

Keep me focused, don't let me run away. I need to bring this up and out in order to heal.

Hi M. I wish we had our session today but you are thirteen timezones away. I am not doing so well right now. Are things any better half a day in the future? By the way, my favorite snack from the place where you are is called Shiroi Koibito, I'm almost out of the ones my student brought me as a gift and um, just saying, I guess.

I think some part of me hoped/feared that when I saw 'real-life' you it would be a disappointment, you wouldn't live up to my fantasy of you.

But that didn't happen. You're more beautiful than I could ever possibly imagine and the realisation of that has broken my heart.

Dear T. Things are crazy right now at work and today I feel like my head is going to explode. This afternoon I freaked and asked you for an earlier session. So instead of Wednesday I'm already seeing you tomorrow. Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly and making time for me! It's been tough only seeing you every other week and I'm glad we can now get back to our regular schedule now.

Oddly enough I already feel a bit better just knowing that I get to see you in 24hrs instead of 48hrs. Not sure what that is about? Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm weird for asking to see you a day earlier.

Dear T,
I am still angry at you for it all. You have no clue what this is like. I don't know how to trust you anymore...

I wish I could come see you today. I feel so alone.

You.........

Dear Dr. S, I love you. I think it is getting easier to accept that you are going on vacation. I still want to grab you by the pant leg and beg for you not to go. Sigh, you are going. And you are right that you never promised me no vacations. You never promised me no time off/breaks for any reason. Thank you for that and thank you for saying it. - me

Dear T,

I wonder if part of the problem is that my voice just doesn't get exercised. I know it isn't always the case, or the problem, but because we meet so early in the morning, often not a word has actually exited my mouth for many hours before, sometimes it will be as much as 24 hours or longer. Maybe then that, added to the stress and worry of the topic content, is too much to break that silence barrier. Maybe if I read you a story first, it would at least exercise my vocal chords in a non stressful.manner.

When I have writing prepared and I read it, it seems easier to get into talking.

PS. I do appreciate your patience, but sometimes I do think you could do more to help. Just sitting there with me in that silence is good, and it is new and it is non invasive, but sometimes I need your help. Asking me smaller questions, helping me break it down etc. I needed that last session but you didn't seem to see that.

T,

I don't matter enough for you to fix the longstanding scheduling issues that's been going on for ten months or more.

What I want to talk about, and tried so hard to message you between sessions...it didn't matter. You still wanted us to talk about what you wanted me to talk about. I was so calm and so adult, and you didn't even notice me blink back tears. You say you want to see the real me and not the good me...but you insisted I be good by ending "therapy obstacles" like me reading up therapeutic methods, exercises and techniques.

I matter so, so, little to you. The patient before me gets to see you in three weeks. I overheard them and the counter staff. Clearly, not EVERY patient sees you once a month, unlike what you said.

Daddy, people think i'm an adult, they make me work and do other adult stuff.
Save me from them, take me to school please?
I love you...

T,
I miss you so much. I was counting down the days till Wednesday only to realize that I have 3 more weeks to go till I see you But I get to email you tonight and will get a response tomorrow. I hope you'll be proud of me. I went the whole week without emailing. And I've been trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying T. I really am. It's really hard.

Hi T,
I know that stuff was supposed to make me feel better, but I think it put me into a deep dissociative state... Glad I have nothing too important to do today. I couldn't remember the words for ordering coffee 2 hour ago. I'm a bit better now, but my head feels like mush

You were thoughtless and unkind today, and I'm not sure I will want to come back.

Can you please respond to my email? Just let me know that you read it. It's only been 24 hours but it feels like much, much longer...

Hi there

I keep thinking about your tattoo.

Dear MC,
I feel like I should tell you something, but am not sure what. I don't really know what I'm feeling right now.

Well, OK, I'd like you to get back to us about whether you'll be in Monday and can see us the usual time, so I can mentally prepare myself either way (seeing you then or waiting 2 weeks).

But regarding yesterday's session...I don't know. And that's odd for me. It's not even like there's stuff I want to say but I'm afraid to. I mean, maybe I want to explain a little more because I probably seem to give you mixed messages at times. But you seemed to understand. Maybe something will come to me after I see T tomorrow...
Love,
LT

Well, CW, that was just an awesome session. Top-notch. Pro tip: when you say you don't want a client to leave crying and upset because you have forgotten a key factor of their life that upsets them enormously...then don't let them leave crying and upset. Sheesh.

Dear MC,
Thanks for the quick response. Maybe you just missed the group text yesterday from H? Glad we're seeing you Monday--hopefully I'll figure out how I feel by then! If not, at least maybe you can advise us on D, who's currently destroying her room in anger...
Love,
LT